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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't get over mother suggesting her rapist's name for my unborn child

121 replies

bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 18:45

It was a family member, most of the time her family plays happy families but this family member raped a few of the women in the family repeatedly when they were children
I just can't believe she would suggest it, I can't get over it I feel like I've been punched in the stomach! She listed off all variations of the name when suggesting names for my unborn DC! not just one, all variations and NNs he went by!
when I said "you cannot be serious!" she just moved on to the rest of her list

I can't let it go, I feel like she's cursed my unborn child or something

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:52

"you made your point to her, it's done"

it is not done, I made my point and she kept doing it and she will continue to do it

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 14/09/2012 19:53

You didn't speak to her though did you? You were clearly unhappy....how do you know? If you didn't communicate clearly.

Yes you do need to be direct, you weren't. You've said that. People are agreeing. You don't need to be so hysterical. He didn't rape you did he?

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:55

"just give her a break" what break should I give her? sit and listen to this another 20 times before the child is born?, then once I name it (something else) she'll keep going on about how she liked X,Y&Z?

Would that really be helpful to anyone?

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 14/09/2012 19:56

Apologies if you feel like you are not being heard. I got the impression you flew off the handle at her, and I completely understand your horror but not so much your anger.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:57

no he didn't rape me houseofplain, but he had oportunities to due to the happy family facade, luckily he never took advantage of that with me but he was treated like a normal trusted family member around me and other members of my generation! I don't know if he raped any of my cousins or not, I only know that he raped older members of the family when they were children and he was older and bigger than them

OP posts:
Empusa · 14/09/2012 19:58

""just give her a break" what break should I give her? sit and listen to this another 20 times before the child is born?, then once I name it (something else) she'll keep going on about how she liked X,Y&Z?"

Is there more to this then?

In your OP you say she went through this list once. How do you know she'll go through it again?

Houseofplain · 14/09/2012 19:59

You sound like a total drama queen op. Like its all about you. You aren't the victim. Your mum is.

If her issues and her problems from what happened to her, bother you so much and give you a victim complex. Disown her or destroy her by being a bitch to her.

Problem solved, right?

fuzzywuzzy · 14/09/2012 19:59

If anyone suggested a name of their rapist to me I would be equally as horrified as you OP.
On the other hand this sounds like such a strange thing to do. Has she ever seen a counsellor for what happened?

If your mother attempts to suggest those names again just stop her and tell her calmly why you will not have it or her continuing to suggest those names.

Don't be angry with her she may not know what she's doing either, if the family are sweeping it under the carpet she must have a lot of unresolved trauma buried inside.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 19:59

"In your OP you say she went through this list once. How do you know she'll go through it again?"

its not my first child, so I know that her name lists for my unborn DSs are very strong suggestions that she wont take a hint about

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:01

houseofplain am I really being a bitch to her by not wanting to hear these names strongly suggested for the rest of my pregnancy? really? that's bitchy?

fuzzy yes she's had lots of councelling

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 14/09/2012 20:01

I thought it was just one conversation that went too far, I am not sure why it will have to be repeated endlessly, that is not what was suggested in you OP. I'm not sure what you hoped people would say but I don't think I can offer anything more to the conversation. Genuinely, I wish you lots of luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

biddyofsuburbia · 14/09/2012 20:02

What is your relationship with her like other than talking about baby names? Does she confide in you about her childhood? Does she dislike the 'happy families' thing as much as you? Did she tell you about the rapist?

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:02

she is still saying how much she would have wanted her girls name choices for my eldest despite me pointing out that it's dodgy with our surname and, well, the fact that eldest DS IS NOT CALLED THAT!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:04

she is the main happy family person TBH, some other relatives distanced themselves and their DC a bit more, and actually he wasn't even that pro-active about contact with her and me but she always arranged visits

OP posts:
Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:04

Phoenixrose said Your mother is clearly trying to repress what happened and paint over it - maybe she sees your baby as a way to start afresh, a whole new start. She may not be thinking clearly, victims of that kind of abuse rarely have a "realistic" view of what happened to them

I think Phoenix has a point here - it was a weird thing for your DM to do, is she trying to pretend that it never happened and playing 'happy families' again?

V sad that she has done this but you might need a psychiatrist to explain it.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:05

so if she hated playing happy families with him then all she had to do was stop because it wasn't really led by anyone else.

OP posts:
24Hours · 14/09/2012 20:06

OP, this will sound rude but I will day it. You sound s bit self absorbed. You don't approve of her/ the family's response to this man's crimes and the trauma it left, but you must see its not for you to judge. The victims have to find their own way through. I understand your anger, but IMOyiu are drama llamaing about this. You or your baby are not at the centre of this.
I would suggest in future if thisconvo is replicated is to say Him no way - don't even suggest it. And walk away if you have to.
your disapproval, your anger your bewilderment are in second place to her feelings in these circumstances.
I don't mean to be harsh!

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:07

she will sometimes talk about it, not often, the rest of the time she would make arrangements where everyone would be expected to sit in a room together acting like nobody knew even though everyone knew that everyone else knew IYKWIM

OP posts:
Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:08

Was rapist prosecuted so that it is all out in the open now or is it still a family secret?

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:08

but she wasn't forced into those 'do's because she would arrange them

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:09

family secret thats not so secret, everyone including ILs know but don't mention it usually

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 14/09/2012 20:09

Stockholm syndrome. Google it op.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:10

the only ones that might not know are his children, I don't know if they know

OP posts:
hhhhhhh · 14/09/2012 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biddyofsuburbia · 14/09/2012 20:17

Gawd, this is a bit fucked up OP. it needs years of therapy to untangle by the sounds of things and I'm certainly no expert so can't advise you. All I can say is that I know you are being accused of being a selfish drama queen but I don't think you sound like that really I think you sound pregnant, hormonal, a bit tired and like you have been dealing with your mums issues one way or another for years and like you just don't need this right now! It may seem very selfish to some, especially those who especially empathise with your mother's trauma but I think you just need to vent. And if you can't do it here - where can you Smile

In fact I would just have one last go at telling her that you are willing to help her with her problems and that you are truly sorry for the awful things in her past, but that you can't tolerate this name thing anymore as you are finding it too upsetting, as has been suggested many times upthread. Really, what else can you do?