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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't get over mother suggesting her rapist's name for my unborn child

121 replies

bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 18:45

It was a family member, most of the time her family plays happy families but this family member raped a few of the women in the family repeatedly when they were children
I just can't believe she would suggest it, I can't get over it I feel like I've been punched in the stomach! She listed off all variations of the name when suggesting names for my unborn DC! not just one, all variations and NNs he went by!
when I said "you cannot be serious!" she just moved on to the rest of her list

I can't let it go, I feel like she's cursed my unborn child or something

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:17

"Then again I ifind it strange that your mother writes lists of names for your child"

she asked me a few times if I wanted to hear her list for this one, each time I said no, this time she did anyway. She's done it previously and been quite persistant with them, they are very STRONG suggestions and not part of a two way name conversation IYWKIM

OP posts:
Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:19

Gosh, sounds a sad state of affairs. If I understand he raped them as children but nothing was ever said or done and your mother kept up a friendship with him even though he didn't have any interest in her, and she dragged you along too? Keeping up a pretence of normality.

If this is so she may be seriously affected by guilt over it all and by pretending that it was nothing eg suggesting you name your DS after him she is in some sort of denial of what happened.

Armchair psychology here.

Not sure who you could speak to OP as the culprit was breaking the law but perhaps discuss with your health visitor or someone for some support. Not a nice situation for you at what should be a happy time.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:21

"But agree with previous poster, that maybe she was listing every single name she herself associates with her rapist, to make sure you won't use one."

maybe, although this isn't the first boy I've carried and she didn't include any taboo names in the list she had for him, but that doesn't mean you aren't right she could be just playing devils advocate with the name to make sure I say "that's not it!"

and telling her our name is not a good idea from experience, it'll be "hmm"ed, "but don't you prefer _ " so that's not the way to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:23

there are no longer any CP issues he is dead so my DC won't be invited to any family do's with him there.

there were CP issues when his children and nieces and nephews were young but nothing was done to protect any young memebers of the family by those in the know, but its not a current issue! He died before the next generation started being born so none of his grandchildren or great nieces/nephews are at risk

OP posts:
Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:24

Mind you I didn't discuss names with my DM it was just me and DP (and that was bad enough)

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:25

I don't discuss names with her either, its a one way thing

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:25

we don't with anyone really we always decide at the 20wk scan then keep it to ourselves

OP posts:
Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:27

I do give her lots of Nannie things to talk about though - which cot/prams we're thinking of, what little outfits we've bought, take her baby shopping, I do include her just not with names

OP posts:
lljkk · 14/09/2012 20:27

Something to understand about many abuse victims.
The abusers are still beloved family members. They aren't all one thing (all bad abuser) or another (loving dad/brother/relative). Victims are conflicted, they also knew a loving relative who wasn't always abusive, that person is still someone they instinctively love. It's easy for you to see that abuser in black & white, but it's unlikely that simple for your mum.

It's not the same as denial, it's recognising a dual reality that she had to somehow reconcile at the time.

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:31

So maybe you could speak to health visitor, will you have clinic visits? It would be nice to speak to someone about it not connected with your family where you can speak your true feelings.

Hopefully your DM has got the message and won't go on at you again.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:34

on the one hand I respect the victims choice to keep it private, I have supported a friend though an abuse case in court and it was almost worse for her than the abuse itself

however once there were a new generation of children (particularly his!) I think there are more people to consider and I'm afraid I stop seeing it as their porogative at that point!

OP posts:
Mayisout · 14/09/2012 20:36

Yes, you are right there.

2rebecca · 14/09/2012 20:45

I would have just said "mum how can you suggest those names when you were raped by a guy called those names? I will always think of him and your suffering when I hear those names".
I agree that you seem to be turning her rape around to be all about you and your outrage.
I never discussed names with my family just my husband. Tell her you don't want to discuss names with her if she starts again, tell her you and your husband will discuss it between you and other people's suggestions don't help.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 20:52

this thread IS about my outrage, I'm not going around being outraged in real life!.

It is not new news to me that this happened in my family I've known for years so its not really about my response to that either.

Believe me I've respected her choices to deal with it her way a lot and said nothing and been polite to him for her sake! it is not easy to be hugged and kissed on the cheek by someone like that!, but this time its more than I can suck up!

OP posts:
caramelsmadfuzzytail · 14/09/2012 21:06

Could you possibly say you're not interested and walk away or show her the door if she starts again?

I know this probably won't be an acceptable response for most people, but if you feel that strongly and stating clearly that you aren't interested, isn't working, then that is POSSIBLY your only choice.

Original poster
bitshakennamechange · 14/09/2012 21:09

sigh! yes! it probably is my only choice she doesn't let her name suggestions go even when asked to or when it is explained why we wouldn't (like best friend just named her child that or similar)

I am okay with hearing his name, hearing her talk about him etc, but not in relation to my bump!

OP posts:
FanjoPingpong · 14/09/2012 21:23

lljkk - I just wanted to say thank you, because you put into words something I'd been feeling about my ex-fiance/rapist for some time. Duality.

bitshaken - I feel for you, that's a really shitty association to be brought up with your child. I'm not surprised you feel upset and uncomfortable. I hope you manage to resolve the issue with your mother.

DistanceCall · 14/09/2012 21:57

Can you sit not down with your mother and very calmly tell her "Mum, X is your rapist's name. I'm not calling my son by a rapist's name. And this is final. Please don't ever bring up this again"?

DistanceCall · 14/09/2012 21:59

Bring this up, even.

olgaga · 14/09/2012 22:18

Oh come on - you don't really believe she has "cursed" your unborn child! If you do that's a problem for you really. Don't believe in nonsense like that and there won't be an issue. Why would your mum want to "curse" your unborn child? Perhaps she wants to reclaim the name?

The name isn't the man, he doesn't own it. Maybe it's a family name?

If you don't like the name just say so, and tell your mum you don't want to talk about names until after the baby is born.

Either way, I think you have to stop and think, give your mum a bit of leeway. I can't imagine she was trying to hurt or upset you.

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 23:32

I can't imagine she was trying to hurt or upset you -well it was a very strange thing to do if she wasn't.

Have you read the previous posts?

DunderMifflin · 14/09/2012 23:49

I don't really know why the OP is getting such a hard time.

I realise that her mum was the rape victim however it is bound to have an affect on many members of the family, especially if it's not been dealt with.

As for the names, the rapist's name is going to have massively negative connotations within the family and in that way would be like someone suggesting calling your unborn child a name associated with evil - eg Hitler.

Empusa · 15/09/2012 00:41

"its not my first child, so I know that her name lists for my unborn DSs are very strong suggestions that she wont take a hint about"

Oh god, in that case you have my full sympathy! That's would be really annoying even without the name associations!

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 15/09/2012 01:08

mothers are very weird when a child is due in the family, i have found. what your mum did was absolutely 100% weird, no doubt about it. whatever her motives for suggesting it (i have some sympathy with the 'clean slate' line but i'd be thinking 'not with my fucking baby you don't') you have to be very clear that you do not wish to hear that person's name again.

HardlyEverHoovers · 15/09/2012 06:34

I can see why this is upsetting, but think you need to handle it gently, it is probably as others have said, some repressed issues coming up in a weird way. I wouldn't make her feel guilty for having said it, but if she suggests it again maybe say gently that you wouldn't feel comfortable using that/those names.

It's weird how stuff comes out sometimes.