can't get over mother suggesting her rapist's name for my unborn child

[bitshakennamechange]

It was a family member, most of the time her family plays happy families but this family member raped a few of the women in the family repeatedly when they were children
I just can't believe she would suggest it, I can't get over it I feel like I've been punched in the stomach! She listed off all variations of the name when suggesting names for my unborn DC! not just one, all variations and NNs he went by!
when I said "you cannot be serious!" she just moved on to the rest of her list

I can't let it go, I feel like she's cursed my unborn child or something

I am confused, what allowances would she expect?
Maybe your horror wasn't obvious to her or maybe when she realised, she panicked and her mouth kept running.
Just tell her it upset you and you would appreciate it if she didn't mention it again.

Why are you so intent on holding this against you mum? Who is the victim here? It makes no sense. You can't let it go....you are talking as if he raped you.

Please don't have a go at your mum. as others have said, she is the victim here.

victims of childhood abuse can have very confused and ambivalent feelings about family and boundaries etc. She's not trying to stir things, she made a mistake in underestimating the meaning of those family names to you.

Please be kind to her.

Strawberry she didn't stop even when the list was obviously horrific to me and continued on with more variations he used!

"I am confused, what allowances would she expect" to carry on suggesting all variations of his name to me for my DC

how I felt about the suggestions was obvious from when she said the first variation

Op you obviously feel you are correct.
If I were you I would be worried about your mum.

So tell her you don't want her to suggest it again and move on.

Is she attention seeking?

I wouldn't think badly of her if she was tbh as maybe she needs some help.

Lyias what are you suggesting I do?
I don't want her to refer to my unborn DC with Xs name, would it be healthy for anyone to continue to let her as if everything is rosey?

I am suggesting YOU TELL HER YOU WOULD APPRECIATE HER NOT SUGGESTING IT AGAIN AND THAT IT UPSET YOU. THEN LET IT GO.
She is a rape victim. Cut her some slack.

Just tell her kindly. The name is out of the question. It's too upsetting. If possible without hysteria and drama. Your poor mum was a victim. It could be denial, it could be positive connotations, or boundary issues.

It's not her fault.

It may be that she is trying to make a negative a positive, it's not rational.

Why is everyone being nasty to the OP?

it was very very obviously his name... not just a name that happened to be his. I really cant say more than that but while the individual names and NNs are common the combination of them isn't obvious, it's not like it was just something like Edward, Eddie, Ted IYKWIM

It was more like
Edward
Eddie
Jack
Bill
Teddy

But she's not insisting you use those names, is she?
Let it go, have a bit of compassion for someone you love who suffered childhood abuse, and try to remember the path to healing for someone in that situation often has a few illogical twists and qirks.
I doubt your mum is a bitch out to upset you
.tbh this is not about you or your child (congrats btw) in this instance

Lydias, I was clearly unhappy with the suggestions when they started.. and she ignored me and continued, so obviously my only options are a MUCH more direct approach like do NOT associate that name with my child again, the other option is to act like its fine, but its not, and I have never thought it was healthy to go along with the happy family thing TBH

I doubt she is going to start pointing at your stomach and referring to it as X. I am sure she has now got the message but if you can't let it go, maybe sit down with her and talk to her about her feelings about the names. You can make it clear (politely) that you will not consider them and why but try a bit of calm empathy. If she doesn't want to talk, it's her right not to, leave it.

I am not being nasty. I am being honest. The OPs mums is a victim. The OP is over reacting. I think the OP is being mean to her mum.

If she got the message (which was crystal clear) she wouldn't have continued suggesting the rest of the names he used?

I don't go about correcting her when she talks about him like he was a normal member of the family, but I don't join in/enable it! But this time it is just a bit more than I can stomach!

Lydias what have I done that's mean?

How do you think not reacting how I did is in any way healthy or helpful?

Op, in the nicest possible way, are you reading the responses?
I have not suggested you let it go. I suggested to speak to your mum about it and why you are unhappy about it.
She isn't calling the baby that name, she suggested it. Its upset you. Tell her and, together, move on. Don't let this bastard cause anymore issues.

I am reading the messages, are you reading mine? I told her and she kept doing it!

you say I am being mean, then you suggest I do exactly what I did!.. and it didn't work!

Because you feel your own mother cursed your child by making a suggestion. Imo, that's pretty mean. Especially when you throw in all the damage being raped would have done to your mum.

I understand that you despise the names so much because they are the names of a man that caused unspeakable damage to you mother, it is normal to feel that. But can you not see, this is not about you or you baby, it is about her, just give her a break, you made your point to her, it's done.

I said that's how I feel! how is it mean to feel awful about your unborn child being associated with something horrible! it is not "mean" to feel how you feel!

I didn't say that to her, I said I was shocked at the suggestion, and then she suggested some more of the names he went by anyway.. and she will keep doing it

Clearly this isn't going well OP. I will hide the thread. I have suggested you sit down an speak you her again.
You don't understand the damage something like this causes. People don't act rationally, alot of the time. Behaviour that is bizarre to you, may not seem it to her. That's why I would speak to her in a calm way about it and see what comes of it.