happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

scorpiomyrtlock

I am just about to charge out the door..so this is just a quick one.

Really glad you have been and will be busy, busy is good.

You sound so different from when you first posted. In so many ways. Good ways. That's all down to you. Yes lots and lots of people posted and gave advice, ideas, insight, but the only person who could take anything that resonated and run with it was you And you have.

Onwards and upwards.

Change your number. Just do it, it'll make this problem go away.

Still that little get-out clause in there...

Well done OP. you're crawling out of this by your fingernails. Well done for posting, taking the flak, and applying yourself to something so difficult. You done good, girl

Keep your eye on the ball, don't slack, keep on top of this. False sense of security and all that - you're not out of the woods yet, not quite. changing your number is a good idea. inconvenient but there's a lot at stake here. Maybe it's time for a new phone with bells on.

well done for getting this far. keep going.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU JUST BLOCKED HIS NUMBER??

good question, Joe

OP is leaving herself a little chink of elbow room, so that she can say she "couldn't help herself" when he makes contact again

I still can't see the pull myself, long finger nails? Urgh. Crap at sex, small Willy, rude, ignorant, strange... Yummy

it's not the pull of the sex, it's the impulse to destroy oneself

because that is the inevitable outcome of this, were she to respond when he makes contact again

and the door has been very firmly left open for that to happen, IMO

OP - at the risk of being really unpleasant to you - what the ACTUAL fuck are you on about?? Why in hell would you still be hoping that this incompetent, actually quite revolting man makes contact with you again? Your description of your seriously tawdry fumblings, wherein he wasn't even that good beggar belief, that you would even consider going there again!

FFS, woman, get a serious grip on yourself! Your self esteem can NOT be so low that this level of sexual encounter is in any way enticing?! There is no thrill, there is no flattery - he couldn't even get it up properly, FFS!!

I've been far more reasonable on this thread than this so far but that has really got my blood up - you actually are still hoping that this dirty fecker calls you again. Oh my God.

Well I really hope that you come to your senses before he does. And if you don't, then fuckit, tell your DH that he can't make you feel the way this oik does. I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know that you've binned 20y of marriage for a semi-erect penis and dirty long fingernails.

I may have to hide this thread now, I'm so angry. Which is ridiculous.

thumb, thank goodness you have finally said it how it should be said

I was beginning to think you had undergone a lobotomy whilst I wasn't watching

- no, prob pg hormones keeping everything under wraps - they're a bit raging today though and that last post of Scorpio's got right under my skin!

let them hormones fly !...

It's not as simple as that though. (imo). OP has been hooked in somehow and that is powerful, as she can attest. It's finding out what hooked her in and shoring up her defences is the next step. It's like a kind of addiction and saying 'what, are you insane??' to smokers, drinkers, drug-takers, self-harmers, women addicted to abusive me etc doesn't cut it. They know it's not a good idea but there's something else going on.

I tried that earlier, Springy. In my "lobotomised" state. Although it may have had some impact, it wasn't much or anything like enough, obviously. Same with everyone else trying to get the OP to find her "hook".

though when you say the sex 'wasn't that good', you're not exaggerating there are you? It's sounds awful, serious ewww. don't get into self-abasement though, finding all that tawdriness somehow alluring. It was just tawdry (electronic music? frequently nipping off to the loo to wank ?) and don't pretend otherwise. If he was emotionally alluring/addictive then address that but please don't put yourself up for any more skanky 'sex'

Hear, hear to all the petrifying harridans wise Mumsnetters above.

OP - you really need to keep listening to everyone on here, keep rereading your frankly nauseating account of your night of 'passion'.

You can do this.

And you can help yourself by deleting and blocking him on text, email, facebook and anywhere else you pretend to yourself you didn't know he could contact you on...

to continue on the alluring theme: people who start eg smoking think it will make them look cool and, possibly, for a while it does. But the bottom line is that it was a con because all they got was chained to a vile, stinky habit that significantly undemines their physical health. No different here. You may be tempted to go in to confirm the fantasy (to right the awful sex?) but it's a con.

I've done it OP and I can't tell you how ashamed I am of it years later. I could kick myself for being hooked in by such an old cliche. The sex never righted itself, either.

I also thought 'fuck it, I'm going to do something for myself for a change' but it didn't help, it made everything worse. To use another cliche, I bitterly regret it. That quote about giving up so much for so little could not be more fitting. Nobody found out but I know.

Scorpio, it seems that you'd be better off playing with your OH that fantasy of meeting a "stranger" in a hotel bar, pretending to be someone else, chatting each other up, then going to a room and have one night stand sex.

You might even enjoy the sex more. :o

keep rereading your frankly nauseating account of your night of passion

I've been on OU study weeks away - where apparently everyone throws caution to the wind but didn t happen to me but after reading Scorpio's down to earth account I'm glad I missed out

I have no idea how your story ended but I have read almost everything posted. I always believed people can only give examples from their own lives other than telling what to do to other people! So, I will tell you some of my story..
I am having a long distance relationship with a married coworker who has 2 kids. And I got divorced recently. It is very complicated. I am not really sure if I can call what we have a relationship either. We have seen each other in 3 different cities in the world in 6 months and I still have no idea what to do about him. I was married when I first slept with him. This made me realize that I have issues In my relationship. I felt like I was not cherished enough and also realized we did not have a good sex life. (I understand it is not your case) but during divorce I have never told my ex that there is someone else. I told him how he makes me feel. I was not feeling loved, he was not f**ing me enough... And so on. Truth would hurt him more!
On the other side I know there will be no future with my coworker. He is married, he has kids (still to young). And I am over 5000 miles away from him all alone! I have no idea when I will see him next. We Skype, email and talk but it is never enough! Still have no idea what I am going to do with him! If he asks I know I will be waiting for him until his kids get older, but deep inside I know this will never happen!
Long story short, it is your life and your happiness. But when you want to be happy, don't hurt anyone else's feelings. It's sometimes better not to tell, then telling. You only need to be honest with yourself in this life. I believe it is your obligation number one in this life! And sometimes after so many years we need to deep inside to find out what we exactly want! I got divorced after 13 years of relationship. And yes I want the other man. He is fun, good partner, makes me feel like a woman again. And I know I will never have him. But there is always hope!! Maybe 10 years from now but there is always hope for everything in this life!!
Hope you never stop hoping to be happy! This is the key: do whatever makes you happy!!!

Oh dear

Well I sure hope neither of you "ladies" has been shagging my DP on the trip he has just returned from....with a supply of condoms in his washbag....

You've made me laugh there cali.

I see its been a year since you posted this. If you are still having the affair and you're still married then my opinion is dont tell your husband unless you're sure he'll forgive you and that you're willing to end the affair. If you're not certain that you wont cheat on him again then consider speaking to him about an open relationship. I know several men who allow there wives to sleep with other men and I know a few woman who have their husband's consent to have lovers. I have been seeing a married woman for 6 years. I was at her wedding and her husband knows about our relationship. He even allows her to spend the odd weekend with me. This situation doesn't work for everyone but it certainly works for some.