happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

I understand you didn't set out to pull yours into this one love, it just happens sometimes.

This one right ?

Thank you, im glad someone can :)
Yep, that's the one.

Im finding it absolutely hilarious that i seem to be getting ripped into for pointing out what i see as unfair, biased judgements (my some, not all) than the OP is for being unfaithful to someone she made vows to!

What a world we live in, lol!!

More than what the OP is that should say. Oopps.

Suocera Your post at 18.22 was absolutely spot on, not to mention eye wateringly funny

OP- FWIW Bloody well done on coming this far. We're all human, we all make mistakes. I have no advice, just that everyone needs support.

I hope OP will come back and that the insanely obsessive, repetitive hijacking posts will stop.

I've told you... When you stop having bitchy digs at me, i will stop answering you. Until then.....

Yes agreed.

Well, it's quite simple to me- if my husband had a two day mid-life crisis fling, or a 5 year love affair, which do you think would rock my marriage the most?

There's simply no point in debating two dissimilar situations. I don't agree vows are vows, I would also rather not know about a two day fling, whereas I would feel completely betrayed and leave immediately if he had a five year affair and was in love with someone else.

It's not the same, it's just not, and so I'd rather focus on the problem of this thread, which is that the OP is sensibly pulling back from her folly.

scorpiomyrtlock

How are you doing this morning ?

I was agreeing with Proudnscary post.

I hope your doing ok OP

joona, what?

Scorpion has been absolutely flamed six ways from last Sunday. She has been roundly Mumsnettily told off. I seem to remember the words 'selfish' coming up a lot. A LOT.

If you read carefully, the gentleness and the new tone of support came in after Scorpion started owning her stuff, stopping blaming her H and really looking at this.

So I don't get your indignation.

As for your friend? Are you really swallowing his self-serving BS?

Read what you wrote:

Because he struggles to choose between his own happiness, or sacrifice it and stay in an unhappy relationship in order to avoid hurting innocent people that dont deserve it.

IN ORDER TO AVOID... how could you even start to believe that self-serving BS.

He is being utterly selfish and avoidant. He is seriously HURTING, Joona, you have no idea how much he is hurting, 3 other people so he can get all HIS needs met. Ergo, he's a cunt. And deserves every bit of disgust and scorn his selfishness gets here. I hope his partner gets over him very very soon.

Well said abitwobbly, well said

And I'm beginning to wonder who this friend is to Joona, so invested is she in his situation on at least three different threads

I remember when a friend of mine cheated on her partner (now dh). It was like I had to literally pull the heroin needle out of her arm, so drugged up/madly in lust was she with OM. I had to talk to her like she was a small child who has trouble even concentrating on your words let alone understand them - and spell out again and again what she was doing and what she had to lose in the strongest, most doomladen way. That's what we've tried to do for OP.

Abitwobblynow Oh FFS, are we STILL on about this?!

I have not said that OP hasnt been flamed! I dont think anyone in the right mind would give her a pat on the back for what she has done. I just said that it seemed her responses were less harsh than i predict they would be if the sexes were reversed, and there are a few who agreed with me on that, so im not the only one.
That is not to say that i dont think she deserves the support/compassion/advice she is getting. She was couragous enough to ask for help, so she is worthy of receiving it. I just think that everyone is entitled to the same level of help.. apart from in extreme cases like child porn, rape etc..

I expressed that opinion on here, and since then i've been constantly bitched at & made to feel like public enemy no.1 because people cant accept that my opinion differs slightly from theirs. I only used my own thread as an example, not to hijack this one to discuss it. I agree that my friends problem should be discussed on my own thread, not here.

I stopped commenting until proudn(notso)scary made another bitchy remark aimed at me. I responded to that, and that was it. But now YOU have brought my name up also.
I have said what i wanted to say, but while people such as yourself continue to write posts about me, i will continue to reply to each & every one.

Since you HAVE brought up the subject of my friend, i will also defend myself over that. I have repeated over & over that i am in no way trying to defend his actions. Infact i am disgusted by them. I agree his behaviour has been extremely selfish.

But he has realised he cant go on doing this & has finaly asked for help, better late than never. I am NOT "swallowing his bullshit" ... But i am open minded enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Although all of his reasons/excuses/rationalisations seem unrealistic to those on the outside looking in, including myself... i am trying to listen, understand & be open to the idea that he might genuinely believe that the things we see as selfish acts, are actualy good intentions on his part... Who are we to say what goes on in someone elses mind?

If he didnt genuinely need help & guidence, why did he confess to me off his own back, and ask for advice?

It certainly wasnt to seek approval, he knew he would get the exact oppisite from me, as he knows that i have been the victim of an unfaithful partner myself. He knows how strong my views on the matter are.

Now i do not wish to discuss this matter any further on this thread. But if people keep insisting on bringing it up, i will not shy away.
Just dont then have the cheek to slate ME for the continued mis-direction of this thread.

proudnscary

Before you continue to imply that there is more to my relationship with my friend, i will tell you exactly who he is to me.

He is someone who supported me & helped me through the hardest time of my life... When my youngest son was fighting for life at 5wks old due to a brain hemorrige which it was later discovered, was caused by my childs father.
My son was left with severe brain damage, he has cerebral palsy, will never walk, talk or even sit. He is epileptic, registered blind, and has to be fed via a tube through his stomach. I was told by so called medical experts that he would not live as far as his first birthday. Thankfuly he has inherited my fighting spirit and will be 6yrs old next month :)

Im not looking for sympathy here, just trying to make it a little more clear why i feel the need to help my friend through a tough time in his own life. Without his support, im not sure i would have coped.

Is that enough explaination for you?!

joona, to you and your son. And have some

Thank you amillionyears :)

I know i have gone completely off topic now, but while people continue to have digs at me for wanting to support a friend who admittedly has acted appaulingly, i guess i now feel that i should justify why, and hope that it stops the petty sarcastic comments thrown in my direction, as they are now taking over this thread!

Any update, OP?

I'm so sorry for what you went through with your son, Joona, and am delighted to hear he is now thriving. It must have been terrifying for you and I am glad you had such great support from this friend.

I thought you might actually be this friend. Or be his wife or OW.

Because it just makes no sense to me.

The amount you have talked about him and without any reason or grounds since his situation is so entirely different to OP's is infuriating.

It has made me furious to see you hijacking the thread again and again, throwing out false accusations (the crap about posters saying 'it's ok dear' and supporting and condoning - totally untrue).

The two situations are nothing alike. He had a five year affair, she's had a two shag fling - and for the final time, yes that is awful. She has cheated on her husband which is dreadful - and she will be very very lucky to get away with it with her family intact. I hope she does because her children don't deserve the fall out.

Joona, I think the main difference between your thread, and this thread, is that the OP herself posted her problem, whereas you posted about a third partys problem, and this third party was not here to read the thread and be upset and offended. This is why, people were a more "civilized" in their flaming.

proudnscary Yes i realised that you may have been suspecting me as one of the parties involved, because i have been so intent on wanting to help him, but i didnt know how & needed advice myself on how to do this.

I think some of the things i have said have come across in a way i didnt mean them to, and for that i apologise. Its just that on my own thread, when i asked for advice alot of people were telling me i shouldnt bother to try & help him, he's a waste of space etc..

Then i came on here & saw people trying to help a stranger, when i was made to feel wrong for wanting to help a very dear friend. I know his actions are bang out of order, but after what he's done for me i felt it was only right that i was there for him in return. I am disgusted with him, but it doesnt change the fact that he is a very good friend who has done alot for me.

I didnt want to go into my reasons because that is a very personal matter. But when i felt i was being attacked from all angles for wanting to help this 'monster' of a man, i felt i needed to justify it. I hope i have done that now.

I have since had some advice posted by others on my own thread who are trying to help me on how to guide him. I do apologise for 'hijacking' this thread, but i hope you understand that it wasnt my intention and that i did not set out to do so.

I think lots of people gave OP a verbal slap. I did. I'm happy to give her credit for coming round to seeing that perhaps this infatuation isn't such a great idea. People make mistakes, it's whether they learn from them that matters.

I'm glad you are getting more helpful advice on your other thread, where it's appropriate to discuss your friend's situation .

Let's leave it on here now.

hello everyone, thanks for the enquiries as to how I am, it has been a busy weekend with lots of family things going on and no chance to get on here. I haven't really had time to read all the posts since I was last on here, and also the debate seems to have become about someone else's problems/thread....:)

Anyway, I am doing OK......thanks, I have been CONSTANTLY thinking about sensible Suocera's mental vaccination remedy for my wayward, straying, and wrong thoughts. It is something I am going to have to keep going back to I know. I suppose that what I am experiencing, as someone else very accurately said upthread is what anyone who was not attached and had a romantic experience with a man and then got dumped/rejected is going through. (I mean from the emotional point of view) Put that way it seems easier to deal with because you know it is going to get easier. All I have to do is take one hour and day at a time and keep going. So honestly I don't want to dwell on that because it is basically self indulgent. I am not the first woman in the world to be used and then dumped!!!!!

I have got lots and lots on at work and am starting some new projects this week. I know that once I get back to work I will have something to focus on and won't be obsessing about the OM (as much). I suppose my most fervent hope is that he won't actually call me again. (little voice in head saying completely the opposite) It would be so much easier NOT to deal with him calling. Now, I just have to learn to tell that little voice to shut up.

I won't have time at work to check back in but I have a free night tomorrow so am looking forward to reading everyone's posts in detail and soak up the wisdom dispensed there. Have a nice week - whatever you are doing, a big grateful hug from me...