happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Exactly my point maryz
What's good enough for a man is good enough for a woman.

I wonder if those of you showing support would be quite as supportive to your husbands if they did this to you?

Its ok dear, i understand that things have gone stale & you had an itch to scratch.

I very much doubt it. I rest my case.

My flatmate from university went through this about 5 years ago and I felt teh same about his situation.

Umm Mary you are not exactly the the first one on this thread to say that! Have you actually read it?

Joona - I ask again SO WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US ALL TO DO?

noddyholder
It wasnt a one of crisis though was it. It happened twice, and a third meeting is being considered.

Showing such a lack of respect for her husband, for a man that means nothing to her is completely unacceptable and deserves no sympathy what so ever.

Oh for fuck's sake Joona that NO-ONE has said on here. Not anyone. That is utter fabrication.

You are either incapable of reading or hearing other people's posts or you are stirring trouble

No-one has supported what OP has done.

No-one has said 'it's ok dear we understand' - NOW who's being sexist by fabricating posts in the manner of stereotyped women?

proudnscary
You are free to express any views you wish, as am i.
And mine is that those of you who show sympathy for OP, but would not express the same view when the sexes are reversed are hypocrites.

There is a difference in supporting WHAT she has done and in supporting her IN what she has done which is what MN always was about. Life is not always a straight line it throws a curve in at times and we have to get through it

Nobody has said that in those exact words i agree.. but they may aswell have.
OP has been portrayed as a woman in crisis. She made the choice to do what she did. More than once. While saying she is happily married.

My friend is infact in an unhappy relationship which he tolerates for the sake of his child. He wants to leave, but doesnt want to hurt his partner or his child by doing so.
But at the same time, he needs to take his own happiness into account.
Should he 'do the right' thing and stay in an unhappy relationship for his child and partner?
Or should he leave and be with the woman that makes him happy even though it means hurting those he loves?

There was no such support or advice for him. Just insults stating what a selfish, decietful prick he is.

What Noddy said

it is not sympathy, it is compassion. And actually for me it's about trying to save her children from a disasterous outcome - not so much about her.

...and for the final time (as you haven't answered) WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING WE DO?

Berate her - call her a selfish bitch?

Ignore her question entirely?

Where does someone who has made a grave, selfish mistake go if they are given zero advice, support or compassion?

How do they even attempt to right a wrong or find a way back?

The irony is on a thread where a man says he's been unfaithful he is given forthright advice along the lines of 'you twat - make it right NOW'. His thread is not hijacked by people bleating on about what they would or wouldn't say if he was a different sex.

And what we have all said is 'what you have done is wrong, unforgivable in your dh's eyes no doubt, this scenario is what you will do to your family if you continue like this - now stop it the fuck now woman'

Isn't that the same??

joona, you're going beyond 'expressing views' as to completely misreading/misunderstanding what has been written here. It makes your points moot.

Nobody is patting the OP on the back. She's done something she knows isn't right - she was considering a repeat and has come around to the view that she shouldn't. None of the berating posts achieved that any better than the ones that were supportive of the OP's anguish, irrespective of the ongoing message that this is the wrong thing to do.

I'd support a man here going through the same thing. I would because I know what it is like to be in this position. I'm not proud of it and wouldn't have needed advice here to know what to do, but if somebody does and they are willing to put themselves and their circumstances here for comment, I will try to understand and come up with the best advice that I can for them.

Some posters, I think, would prefer to go back to the 'stock and rotten tomatoes' days... their rants achieve nothing more than to make themselves feel 'worthy' of something, I expect.

lyingwitch i have not said that anyone is "patting OP on the back" and i am aware that everybody disapproves of
what she has done.

What i dont understand however, is the amount of support being shown.
'You're very brave for sharing your story' and the like.

I totaly agree that if someone comes on here with a dilema they need help with, people should advise & support as they feel is right. And that should happen be it a woman OR a man.

I like the fact you have stated that your views would remain the same if the sexes were reversed, i respect you for that.
But there are some people posting on here, who have totaly different views when its the man doing the deceiving. Nothing but insults.. They offer no support, accept no excuses as valid, no understanding... But they have managed to do so on here.

That is what i find extremely unfair.
Like i said, it's all good and well to offer advice, support, understanding to someone who needs it, whether you agree with what they have done or not.

But should'nt that go for everyone that needs it? Why is OP more deserving of 'compassion' than a man who deceives his partner?

Joona - didn't see your thread, didn't post on it.
I personally would have given the same advice to a man posting in this OP's position. Including "don't tell your DW unless this goes to a full-blown affair"

I do not believe that it is necessarily a good plan to offload your guilt onto the innocent partner and put the onus onto them to forgive (or not), especially when children are involved.

By the sound of it, from what you've posted here, your own e.g. is vastly different from this OP so you can't really compare the two.

And no, I do not condone cheating at all - I think it's vile.

You are taking a small number of posts on here that haven't totally condemned the OP's actions and creating a mountain out of a molehill - nearly every poster on this thread has condemned what she did and done their best to stop her repeating her stupidity. You are beating your own drum and detracting from the advice the OP has received. How do you think that is helpful?

OK you have still not answered what you think posters should do or say - I've asked you three or four times now.

So I'll take it you think she should have pages of 'you are a selfish bitch' rather than saying 'you've done something terribly wrong and selfish...but you might be able to salvage this for the sake of your children and husband'.

You obviously have an axe to grind.

Grind away ad nauseum.

There's no point listening to what anyone's actually saying or trying to achieve on here is there?

Joona... I completely agree with you on the unfairness and the volte face of some posters, depending on the gender of the OP. They will always do that. The only thing to do is shrug it off and just disregard them.

I'm absolutely resolute about fairness; yes, there are some things that are skewed because of gender, but not that many and it is fairly easy to do a gender switch to see if you're keeping your advice compass set to 'fair' or not. Some people don't want to. Agendas and all that.

I do feel sorry for OP because I've been there, years ago, and what the most frightening thing for me was slip-sliding into it, not wanting to - REALLY not wanting to - but not resisting equallly as hard. Like watching a car crash in slow motion. I've often wondered, if I could turn time back, at what point would I have 're-set' to? I think it would have been the point at which I'd never met him, called in 'sick' that day. That's how little control I gave myself to avoid it. Crazy. OP knows this... she'd probably recognise herself somewhere in that description.

I wish affairs were not such a taboo subject here because there is some really great advice in amongst the 'stone the bitch' nonsense.

He kept getting out of bed to disappear into the bathroom (doing what????)

Encouraging his erection.

Applying special creams, wanking, fantasising about a twink, wondering if you'd freak if he slipped a cock ring on/asked you to let him pee on you...that sort of thing.

Were there a next time I'd risk a pretty hefty bet that he'd try to introduce some fundamental kink into the union in order to get what he needed to reach a full erection and orgasm.

And the fucker had the cheek to call me repressed!

I think my vagina lost her nerve for at least six months after that.

Poor little thing, hiding up inside herself, all big scared eyes .....even in the face of the most vanilla willy in the world dangled temptingly bait style in front of her.

... sorry, Suocera...

Either that Suicera, or to shovel copious amounts of drugs up his nose. Or both

Neither a good look though.

OP I am not going to lecture you on the morals of cheating. I stand with most people in thinking it is usually a deal breaker.
debating the interests of moving forward, I really think you just needed to 'talk about him' out loud (as it were) so you could get kill the mystery that feeds the excitement and get some perspective.

He is a fucking loser who will most certainly not be posting anywhere for advice. Almost certainly a serial adulterer - a Cuckoo Cock if you will.

So many iFails it's making my eyes water. Sorry

Suocera - Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh. I hope you (and your vagina) have recovered from such a horrible experience!

OP, think about your husband reading your post above. He would be absolutely devastated to see that you have thrown away your whole history with him, his love and trust and faith in you, your children's security, for such a horrible, sordid experience.

Imagine your life without your husband in it, because that is the very real risk here. Every time you are tempted, you should think about the reality of your encounter and balance it against what you stand to lose.

I am one of the people who advised you not to tell your dh - I would say the same to a man in your position too. While I think that he has a right to know, I also think that no good will come of it. It isn't right to dump all this on him. You did it, now live with the guilt.

You can still come back from this, so long as you never do this again.

proudnscary

I have answered your question. I said you should express your views and opinions as you wish.

I do infact agree that people who come here asking for advice and support or compassion should get it. Which is exactly the reason i started a thread myself, asking for views on what people think i should advise my friend, as i am disgusted by his behaviour but want to help him as best i can. I wanted un-biased opinions.

What i disagree with is that a woman in this position gets exactly what she has come here for... To be told it is wrong, and that it needs to stop, but along with it she gets the advice, understanding and compassion she needs to help her make her choice.

Yet when the sexes were reversed on my own thread, some of the same people who are showing that compassion here, and giving advice in a firm but fair manner, could not manage to do so for him.

I do not think this thread should be full of harsh comments such as "selfish bitch" etc... The same way that i dont think my own thread should have been full of "selfish prick". But it was. It had no compassion or understanding atall, and that is what im finding unfair.

Thumbwitch none of my comments (or rants if you will) are directed at those of you who judge fairly. You have said that you would treat a man in this position in the same way as you have reacted to OP, and i respect that. Because then, your views whatever they may be are consistent. My comments are aimed at those who can show compassion and understanding for a woman in this position, which is fair enough... But cant show the same for a man when the sexes are reversed.

On my own thread, alot of people also ripped into me personaly for wanting to help someone who could stoop so low as to deceive his partner. "He's scum, its his problem, let him deal with it himself, selfish twat" etc is the reaction i got.

I do not atall approve of what he has done, but he is a good friend since childhood, i wanted to help him and needed advice on how to do so.

I was made to feel like i was in the wrong for wanting to help a friend... By some of the people who are infact trying to help a complete stranger on this thread.

And that's fair is it? Seem's like a massive case of double standards to me.

joona you are taking this too personally. Its not about your thread