over reacting?

[dancingwiththedevilonmyback]

so for the last few months my rather antisocial hubby has started going out with a group of mates, im really happy about this as i think friendships outside the marraige are really important and healthy.
his best mate is a girl who is into the stuff he likes, wrestling, computer games ect. he goes out to watch films with her a lot and they socialise with others regualy, i have no issue with this, my best mate is a bloke (although he is gay) she has even kipped on our sofa when they went out so she didnt have to drive home. i have had no suspicions that anything other than friendship has occurred.
she is in a bad relationship, talks about it to him all the time, and seems to say lots of leading things like "my bf doesnt like my breasts, what do you think?" and that suggests to me she may be having thoughts towards him in a romantic way... i have told him that platonic friendships are great but its important not to give the wrong idea...
he assured me she didnt have thoughts like that.
i have become aware that his workmates have been gossiping about them, and that makes me uncomfortable, he assuered me it was one comment from someone really stupid and to take no notice.
well today he left his facebook open and thier messages were there, hundreds of messages, really really flirty.
he calls her sugar tits, says he needs to clear his mind of dirty thoughts of her, many messages of sexual teasing, nothing hardcore, all wink winky, things like, i'll let you dominate me, i'll lie there and take it, he replies i am dripping with antisipation (this is in reference to being beaten in the computer game, but its suggestive and sexual.)
he says, if we carry on going to see films together, people will be even more suspicious, more than normal" which means lots of people at thier work are already suss...
i text him and said, u left your fb open, and i read your msgs, sorry for invading your privacy but i am glad i did,
the level of flirting is unacceptable, and really dismissive of your wife. i feel humiliated after all the bending over backwards i did to accommadate your new mates.
i want this flirting to stop, i am not asking you to end your friendship, or cancel saturday (she is kipping on the sofa again) or to cancel the wrestling (they are going with 2 others to wales to watch the wrestling, him and her are sharing a twin room) i just want you to know the boundries and not overstep them.

he phoned and said nothing was going on, i said it doesnt matter if his penis stayed in his pants, the fact he has been texting her this means he has at least had an emotional or sextual affair. he said nothing had happened, and he was sorry for upsetting me, (sounding irritated now) i said i didnt need him to be sorry for upsetting me, that meant nothing to me, he needs to be sorry for doing it. he doesnt talk to me like that, so he needs to talk like that to someone else.
i said, if you want out of our marraige, tell me, i want to know, dont string me along, and drag it out, if you want out, just go. i wont stop you.
he said he loved being married to me and he loves our children, i said well that wouldnt change would it?
then i said i had to go and get kids ready for bed, and hung up.
was i overreacting?

Oh op - people here are not attacking you they are just trying to make you see that what he is doing is totally out of order - he has been unfaithful with these messages to this woman. If he had any respect for you he would stop this friendship immediately and not see her again. He should also see how bad what he has done is - he has been totally and utterly out of order ro you and if he doesn't see that ans stop seeing her I don't see how you can stay with him - you deserve better.

No, no, no, no, no.
And again, no.

This is Not. On. He has already crossed your boundaries (not to mention those of everyone reading this thread) and therefore he needs to stop right now, or take the consequences.

" i am not asking you to end your friendship, or cancel saturday (she is kipping on the sofa again) or to cancel the wrestling (they are going with 2 others to wales to watch the wrestling, him and her are sharing a twin room)"

Erm, that's EXACTLY what you should be asking him to do. And if he won't, then I guess you have your answer.

Dancing, you may indeed trust your Dh and not want to be that wife who demands he end this friendship, but she isn't playing by the same rules, she already made the tits comment in front of you, she was testing the waters, see what you catch onto and what she can get away with, he may even think he's going to just share a room with a friend but she may well have other plans for that night and she has him all alone, probably filled with beer and all night to persuade him to be with her.
She is the one you need to cut off, get rid of and refuse to have around YOUR HUSBAND. If you love him and want the marriage to work you can't sit back and watch her take him away, make you feelings heard and tell him to stop seeing her at all. It really is way overboard on his and her side, not on yours you are not really reacting and need to light a fire under your own butt to resolve this.
Fight for your marriage if you want it to survive.

How did your talk go last night Dancing?

Hope your ok

Dancing, I feel really sorry reading this. You've come on here for some support and the first few replies you get are really shitty. I too would have felt like I was being kicked when I was down.

I agree with the majority, if this friendship was purely platonic there would be none of this sexy facebooking. I would not stand for that at all, by my standards it would probably be over as I don't think I could shake that one off.

He has a hell of a lot of making up to do. You deserve love and happiness not this crap.

OP, sorry you have had such a rough time. Please know that NONE of this is your fault. You haven't pushed him in to acting this way, he chose to.

Did you get a chance to talk to him last night?

I have to admit I flirt with some of my male friends, but we've been friends since we were teenagers and that's how it's always been. Also, it's very gentle compared to your DH, and if any one of them ever called me Sugar Tits, that would be the last they heard from me. No need for my DH to tell me to drop them!

As everyone has said, this behaviour is completely inappropriate. He really needs to not see her again. Even if he is just going along with it for an ego boost, she clearly has other ideas. If he suggests you don't trust him, point out the flirty messages on Facebook. This is HIS wrong, not yours. If lack of intimacy is frustrating him, he should be helping you to address this together, not looking elsewhere.

I've read this whole thread. I hope your talk with DH went ok last night. Their FB messages are absolutely NOT acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. It's foreplay! I'm so sorry they are behaving thus way but you're right - their relationship has to end right now or he loses his family. I get the feeling she is one of those women who pretends to be "one of the lads" to get into his pants. Conniving bitch! But - he's the married one not her - this is his responsibility!

Hi Dancing how did the talk go? I hope you are ok this morning (hugs)

Oh OP. I'm heartened to read that you confronted him but his behaviour is far, far worse than you imagine. Disrespecful, dismissive, and downright cruel. I too have a close friendship with a married man, In the beginning I was constantly asking if his wife was ok with it. He would never call me "sugar tits" and our talk never, ever turns sexual. I love him to bits but friendship must never intrude on a marriage. Your "D"P knows exactly what he is doing, and it's not ok, any of it. The same thing happened to me btw, my ex went on and on about this woman (but it was ok because she was gay ) and next thing I know he is with her. You don't see it coming when you trust someone, but he is not worth your trust or your love or even your time.

"he calls her sugar tits, says he needs to clear his mind of dirty thoughts of her, many messages of sexual teasing, nothing hardcore, all wink winky, things like, i'll let you dominate me, i'll lie there and take it, he replies i am dripping with antisipation"

Apologies if you thought I was being harsh but you asked if you were over-reacting. I still don't know how you could have read/written lines as flagrantly inappropriate as the above and then either a) trust him, b) trust her or c) think you are over-reacting. I did not suggest you 'leave the bastard' either.... just cancel his room-sharing jolly to Wales.

BTW. You have confidence. Someone with no confidence would not have stood their corner against myself and other equally blunt posters. Be more like that with him, perhaps? Get angry.

Cog, your post at 18.36 was mean, considering its to someone who is upset and rightly so. There's ways of saying things and I don't blame her for reacting badly to this kind of post.

The advice you are giving IMO is good, it just could have been done without the crude descriptions and personal name calling.

Hope you ok this morning OP.

Cog's earlier post was harsh, but I see where she is coming from. Having been in OP's shoes, sometimes you need a kick up the arse. It's impossible to tell what can get through, esp when the realisation has been a recent one, and when you're on the other side, when you've been through it, it's frustrating when the OP doesn't "get" it.

However, we all have to come to these things in our own time. No-one can make us "see" before we are ready to, and any I can see how attempts to do so can look aggressive and/or cruel.

I think it was well-meant though. IMHO.

Op, if you haven't done so already please email yourself a copy of his Facebook messages, as he will probably change his password and then start telling you you don't remember correctly, it wasn't as bad as you thought and with no way of checking, you will start doubting yourself. You need to keep this material for yourself.

sigh. right oh.
so we talked last night. he said he felt awful, he was sorry, she was sorry, and devestated to have caused problems between us.
he promised that nothing was going on, it was a joke, banter that went too far, just mates.
he cried. bawled actually. i didnt. i was calm and controlled, he doesnt listen when i am angry so i spoke in slow small words which he could grasp.
i told him he had betrayed me, even if he hadnt embarked on an affair, this wasnt a platonic friendship and never was. he butted in and said it was totally platonic so i asked him how many other of his mates he called sugar tits? [vomit] he remained silent. he asked me (asked me ffs) if she could still stay on saturday because she was asking.... i just laughed and said oh whatever.
i told him that if he wanted to get out of the relationship he could, i would never stand in his way, and he could see the kids and have them as often as he wanted. he said he didnt want this. he loves me.
it was just a joke i was never meant to be hurt. he was sobbing, i was in shock, i said, ok, lets leave it here, i have work tomorrow, i need to think and we can talk tomorrow. i want you to sleep on the sofa.
he did, this morning i got up and was doing my make up, he came up and laid on the bed, taking my hand in his, he said, i am sorry about all this.... but its her birthday in october, could she stay here the night?!
the first thing he said to me this morning was this! really!!!?
kids were in the bed by this point and i didnt want them being involved in anyway so i just said uh huh, and went to work. he was happy as larry.
got to work and confided in my friend, who just echoed what you lot have said, it all got a bit much, after not much sleep and no appetite i was struggling. spoke to manager who was so shocked and offered compassionate leave so i came home.
he was leaving for work as i got in, "oh! alright!" he said chirpily, so i said i have been given compassionate leave. "why?" he asked incredulously, so i said because i am finding it hard to get over last night.
he followed me in, ran his hand through his hair and went oh fine, ok. all huffy. and i finally snapped, shouting how fucking dare you come upstairs after everything i discovered yesterday and the first fucking thing you say is if poor little bitch can stay on oou sofa on her birthday... are you bloody stupid? what is wrong with you?! did you think i had just rolled over and forgiven and forgotten? how could you humiliate me like you have, all your workmates talking about "your poor wife!" the revolting things you have said to her, i have been so good to you and you have treated me like im nothing.
i do not believe there was nothing in it, thats its purely platonic, because you wouldnt call someone u didnt fancy sugar fucking tits. you disgusting moron. even if you havent slept with her, after reading what i read you have had an affair, an emotional affair, a smutting text affair, but an affair.
you can deny that all you want, but thats what it is, and i do not and will not believe any thing else. i will never trust you with her, or her with you, if you go to wales i will assume you are fucking. i just will, because your word means nothing.

she is not sleeping here. i dont give a shit if its her birthday, let her book a hotel, i am NOT responsible for her and she is not setting foot in my house.

he was shell shocked. he thought i had let him talk his way out of it.
he started to cry, i have been so stupid, i have ruined everything for nothing, im an idiot, i love you, i am just an insensitive cunt who got carried away and didnt think before speaking... do you want me to come home tonight? i said and where are you going to go? "i dont know" he said. no, you can stay here, but i honestly dont know if i can get past this, i really dont, i have put up with so much shit from you and i dont know if i will get past it. i need space and time, you are sleeping on the sofa, and you need to let me deal with this in my own time.
then he said sorry again, ok, he will do what i asked, he has cancelled tomorrow night. and he has gone to work.

mizza, the first thing he did was delete the messages...

but yes, i have them.

So the first thing he did after your call yesterday was get on the phone/email with her and talk to her about what was happening to get their stories straight so he could tell you she was sorry too

The second thing he did was I am sorry but can she still stay here! WTF!!!

The man either thinks you were a complete idiot or doesn't give a shit.

IMO it doesn't sound as if he wants to end his 'friendship' with this woman. Sorry you are having a rough time.

i think, he honestly thought i would just roll over and let him get away with it. so yeah, im thinking option a.

although if option b wasnt true, he wouldnt have done it...

You've been really strong dancing. Well done. What a baby he is with all the crying and then planning to continue in exactly the same way. Stay strong.

As I was reading your post about your discussion, my heart was sinking. But then I read the stuff that happened after you came home from work and I was relieved - thank God you said what really needed to be said. How could he not get this. He cancelled the evening. That's a start. He's got a long way to go. He deleted the messages, either he wants to rewrite history or he's ashamed of them, I hope it's the latter. Take your time with this. He really needs to understand how far he stepped over the line with this. His relationship with her needs to end. No ifs or buts. That's the price he has to pay for getting this so very wrong. Keep a watchful eye out. If he prioritises her over you by secretly getting in touch with her for whatever reason, that will tell you all you need to know...Good luck...

no he doesnt. he doesnt want to end the friendship. he wants ME to end it, so he can play the poor hard done by husband.

he knew i would feel awful about demanding he ends a friendship when he has allowed mine, because generally i am weak, and will do anything to avoid rows and upsetting people. i am a people pleaser, i worry about not making people happy (mother issues 101) i worry about what people think of me. he knew i would never have given him an ultimatum because i would be the bad guy.

this is why he is so bloody shell shocked.

We done love you really let him have it with both barrels! Stick to your word & don't give an inch, he's already taken a mile!!