over reacting?

[dancingwiththedevilonmyback]

so for the last few months my rather antisocial hubby has started going out with a group of mates, im really happy about this as i think friendships outside the marraige are really important and healthy.
his best mate is a girl who is into the stuff he likes, wrestling, computer games ect. he goes out to watch films with her a lot and they socialise with others regualy, i have no issue with this, my best mate is a bloke (although he is gay) she has even kipped on our sofa when they went out so she didnt have to drive home. i have had no suspicions that anything other than friendship has occurred.
she is in a bad relationship, talks about it to him all the time, and seems to say lots of leading things like "my bf doesnt like my breasts, what do you think?" and that suggests to me she may be having thoughts towards him in a romantic way... i have told him that platonic friendships are great but its important not to give the wrong idea...
he assured me she didnt have thoughts like that.
i have become aware that his workmates have been gossiping about them, and that makes me uncomfortable, he assuered me it was one comment from someone really stupid and to take no notice.
well today he left his facebook open and thier messages were there, hundreds of messages, really really flirty.
he calls her sugar tits, says he needs to clear his mind of dirty thoughts of her, many messages of sexual teasing, nothing hardcore, all wink winky, things like, i'll let you dominate me, i'll lie there and take it, he replies i am dripping with antisipation (this is in reference to being beaten in the computer game, but its suggestive and sexual.)
he says, if we carry on going to see films together, people will be even more suspicious, more than normal" which means lots of people at thier work are already suss...
i text him and said, u left your fb open, and i read your msgs, sorry for invading your privacy but i am glad i did,
the level of flirting is unacceptable, and really dismissive of your wife. i feel humiliated after all the bending over backwards i did to accommadate your new mates.
i want this flirting to stop, i am not asking you to end your friendship, or cancel saturday (she is kipping on the sofa again) or to cancel the wrestling (they are going with 2 others to wales to watch the wrestling, him and her are sharing a twin room) i just want you to know the boundries and not overstep them.

he phoned and said nothing was going on, i said it doesnt matter if his penis stayed in his pants, the fact he has been texting her this means he has at least had an emotional or sextual affair. he said nothing had happened, and he was sorry for upsetting me, (sounding irritated now) i said i didnt need him to be sorry for upsetting me, that meant nothing to me, he needs to be sorry for doing it. he doesnt talk to me like that, so he needs to talk like that to someone else.
i said, if you want out of our marraige, tell me, i want to know, dont string me along, and drag it out, if you want out, just go. i wont stop you.
he said he loved being married to me and he loves our children, i said well that wouldnt change would it?
then i said i had to go and get kids ready for bed, and hung up.
was i overreacting?

If this is him making an effort, what would it be like if he wasn't?!
You have a husband and you might not be in the market for a different one right now but please don't think that all men are the same and behave like this.
Take SugarTits out of the equation and he is still disrespectful and childish.

I am so sad that you and Things have been treated like this by people purporting to love you and how cynical it will make you.

I have read the whole thread and the post saying you are trying to work it out.

He is not understanding why you are upset and why he cant be friends.

He is not communicating with you to get thru this.

He has not learned what he did wrong and therefore might do it again

the brass of SFT to be in your house Saturday night its truly shocking to me. How old is she? What are your thoughts about showing the messages to her partner? What has your dh said about it? Would he be ok with you sharing a room with him on your own or a male friend?

I understand the need to make a marrage work but where do you draw the line. I think he is contrabuting to your poor mh :(

What would make you happy and feel better and how can you make it happen?

The other poster are trying to get you to be rational about his behavour. They are just banging there head on a brick wall because you are not ready to give up on him or your marrage and that is comedable but it will only work if both of you work at it and are on the same page.

Is it possable he sees you as his mum and not his lover? Maybe its time to remind him of that! You are not there just to feed him and wash his clothes. What about your feelings and needs?

Did he go see the film Sunday night with SFT?

My bet is he did :(

I personally think he is already sleeping with ST and now he will be more careful contacting her, sending messages etc. He is actually putting ST before you and the children, he knows you're hurt, he knows that you want him away from her and he is pissed off about it and hoping you change your mind ( or he will grind you down or you'll back down with fear of losing him ). He isn't trying to make things right, he is acting like a selfish bastard that's putting his 'friend' before his wife and children.

Are you worried about digging deeper/snopping because you're frightened of what you might find? If so, that's very understandable. I really hope things work out for you.

Take care of yourself, love

Us banging on now isn't going to change your mind and just make you feel worse

You know where we are if you need us again x

I would tell ST's boyfriend tbh, she's quite happy being on the scene making you upset with no consequences to her. I'd forward on all the sexting that went on between them to him. Let them deal with the fucking fallout. She needs to suffer.

And fgs whatever you do, don't allow that bitch in your home again. Summon your inner Peggy Mitchell and roar "Get out of my pub house!" possibly accompanied by a resounding slap.

I'd take great pleasure in taking a hammer to every last one of his games consoles. No reason for her to come round for games night if there are no games to play.

I'd take great pleasure in taking a hammer to every last one of his games consoles. No reason for her to come round for games night if there are no games to play.

I would tell ST's boyfriend tbh, she's quite happy being on the scene making you upset with no consequences to her. I'd forward on all the sexting that went on between them to him. Let them deal with the fucking fallout. She needs to suffer.

Very eloquently put lol

I outed OW to all her friends

And i told the other OW's DP

And fat sofa woman, well, i told her ExH.. DP now can't go to a certain quite large area for fear of having his legs broken

OP if you ever want to inbox anyone AF is always fab to talk to, and around a lot, we are all here for you, you know where we are if you need support xx

Dancing, I understand why you want to try to make this work -and no matter how much we say that both of you need to be trying , you have to take the path that's right for you.

But please consider having a backup plan so that you are not utterly beholden to him. The staring at you with hate in his eyes that you mentioned- that's really troubling because it suggests that he won't have any compassion for the needs of you and the children if things don't work out. Keep evidence, have some "emergency money" in your name put away if you can, think about talking to a couple of solicitors so that you know what position you are in .

Good luck.

Dancing, how are you doing? Hope you're keeping your chin up x

hey everyone, thought id pop back with an update.
well a lot has happened since then,
his "not seeing her outside work" lasted a week, he asked me if he could play online games with her on the ps3, he does this a lot with others, its just playing against them, i thought, whats the harm? so i said yes.
then last monday i heard him come in from work at 11, he began talking on the phone, i went to sleep as i was already in bed.
was woken up at 1.40am by talking in the kitchen, i opened the door he quickly said "gotta go, bye" i called down, "who the hell are you speaking to?!" silence "erm, sugartits"
yes he had had a cosy two hour fortyfive min convo in the dead of night with her over the headset of his ps3.
something he has never done before...
you see it coming i know it...
it was all MY FAULT for misunderstanding what he meant by is it ok to play online with her, i should have totally realised that in HER case it would mean legnthy private chats over headset, even though that isnt what it means when he plays with anyone eles. i mean... doh.
he didnt try to mislead me, and he wouldnt have done it unless i had said yes, and i said yes so... all my fault... also is it ok if he does it again tonight.
no. no its not.
ok, i'll let you think about it, let me know when im at work...
he phones and asks if i have thought about it?
"yes, the answer is no, you are to have no contact with her. none. at all.
he gets in a huff and hangs up.
i laugh.
he calls back all sweetness and light "of course i am sorry i didnt mean to hang up, and react that way, its all up to you, even though you said it was ok, i wont do it again. "no, i said no, you are right, you wont, and thats ok, i understand why you are acting like a child thats had its fave toy taken away. but its not my problem"
so that was that.
we move along again trying to yet again move on from the endless groundhog day, till sunday. when i discovered he had been downloading porn images onto our family pc which our young kids use and could easily find.
i was livid, called him digusting and vile and i would never be able to look at him with anything other than dissapointment.
i said, look at porn! thats fine its readily available! and you have a android phone ffs, but doing what you did shows again the lack of respect you have for your family...
wait for it...
it was all MY FAULT because i wasnt giving him sex, and he is getting angry because i never ever listen to his explainations and cant forgive and forget, i cant listen to his explainations because they are shit!!!!
we rowed. and i said i had had enough, i wasnt going to be treated like this anymore, he asked treated like what? doing the usual feigning ignorance making me have to start telling him for the 30000th time how he has hurt me, when i realised it doesnt matter how i explain it. he wont hear it.

so i ended our marriage.

i got home from work the next day having arranged to carry on living together, him staying on sofa, trying to be friendly for sake of kids. and he was pale with rage, snarling and spitting before going out. he later apologised and asked for councelling which i had earlier suggested and he was dead against. i said yeah maybe that would be good, but we are still seperated right now.
today has been better, we have been civil and friendly. who knows what tomorrow brings...
in other news we have a meeting with someone from the council on thurs to do final checks before we get offered the house! so wish me luck!!!

very sorry it has panned out this way. Actually cannot believe him! what the hell does he think he is doing?!

god knows, it is like he is two people in one.
on one side he is saying all the right things and on the other doing the worst things.

feel earthshatteringly sad, and regretful, but i cant see what else i could have done, i mean how long do i allow this to continue, and how many ways can i try to get him to understand? nothing was working so i had to end it.

i cant believe its come to this. i am still in shock. real shock.

Yes so sorry but he needs to be off that sofa & out the door. You aren't going to let him move to the house with you are you?

he has no where to go, and more so, i dont want to unsettle the children, they adore him and vice versa, and obviously i still have feelings for him too.

Gosh it doesn't sound like he is saying anything or doing anything right. He isn't saying or behaving as though he understands or feels sorry. He is placating and dismissing you with words and disrespecting you with actions. it isn't your problem he has nowhere to go, I think it is more accurate that you are worried if you insist he goes he will go to SFT.

no honestly, i am not worried about that at all.
if he wants to leave and go be with her, then i want him to do it. at least that would mean he had somewhere to go.
all i am bothered about is not unsettling the kids, keeping their lives as stable as possible. the fact that he has no where to go bothers me, he is the father of my children and i wish him no suffering, i have removed myself from that. i am a bigger person than that, and you cant turn feelings off over night. but i also feel relieved its over, the last few weeks have been so hard and its a relief its over.

Ok good but what is definitely not good is confusion. Stable does not mean no change in this situation it means decisiveness, emotional support and clarity IMHO. Many people try to keep things the same but ultimately you can't because they have actually changed and the process of trying to hold back the tide just erodes the stability and trust.

He will find somewhere to go. Don't worry about that, he has made his bed and now he has to lie in it! If you and the kids stay in the house, he sees them regularly, and you are honest with them about what's happening, that is stability enough.

(hug)

Is it that you aren't really sure you want to separate? If that's the case I can understand the sofa thing. You need to be sure what is going on but I think you need to make a choice soon. You can't live together but be separated it'll tear you apart!

Also his behaviour is going to become worse & worse. If he's pale with rage & spitting words at you now what will he be like in a few days after he realises you mean it?

You ended the marriage and arranged to carry on living together (hmm).
How is that ending things?
How is that not confusing for your DC's?
If you really stand by what you say and the marriage is over then presumably after months or years, your DH will move off the sofa and out of the house at some point - meanwhile giving your DC's a strange example of what family life should be. You have not yet let go, you need to do this. The marriage does not end at saying the words. Without action it's just stamping your foot at his behaviour.

It's your DC's l feel sorry for now.
How confusing it must be for them to be living under these circumstances. he will be up all night talking to sugertits and won't be able to sleep on sofa when you and DC's are up and about.
This is madness. You have to show him you ARE separated. It's really not your concern where he goes, not your problem. It is all his and his doing. Let him go to her.
Do not move to new house with him whatever you do

Please get rid of him.

This situation will just confuse your children, they aren't silly.... You will end up hurting them more by letting him stay than if you kick his arse out.
If you kick him out then its up to him to prove himself as a good dad to his kids and its not your problem where he moves out too......

I dont understand how you can think this is best for the children - it is the worst thing and for you too. Find some self respect, stop making excuses and kick the fucker OUT.