New twist on cheating twunt

[entertumbleweed]

I posted last night but it was a bit garbled so hopefully I can do better today. I just want to know if anyone else here has found out their partner or husband is into and meeting up with men.

I feel really screwed up today. Two weeks ago he left his facebook logged in and there were a couple of things I felt a bit weird about so I put a keylogger on (have never done anything like this). Turns out he has been meeting men for sex on gaydar and squirt.

Thankfully we dont live together but we have been together for 2 and a half years and I am now 39 so feel like he was my last chance at a family.

We had a good sex life. Or so I thought. I am so repulsed. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay but it repulses me he was doing that and sleeping with me.

I know I need an STD check asap. Its just so awful. 39 and another failed messed up relationship. Also so humiliating to tell anyone....

Two hours sleep and I feel a wreck. Guess I just want to know what to do to process this and to find out if anyone else has been through this and how they dealt with it.

Have been a very long term lurker and just dont know what to do.... Could use a friend

No experience but [hug]

thanks :-)

Have you spoken to him yet? Does he know you know?
Be prepared that he may deny deny deny, or turn it around into "how dare you invade my privacy" and avoid the conversation.

Perhaps counselling might be an idea, just for you, as that is a pretty devastating twist on the standard cheating partner, and with the added complication of you seeing as your last chance at having kids it is even more upsetting.

I know what you mean, I have no problem with being gay and if any of my kids end up being gay its a non-issue, but the thought of my husband having sex with me and then going and sticking his dick up another guys arse is just ewwww, and I would be VERY worried about STI and HIV, and I would also be FURIOUS if he has been having unsafe sex and taking risks with my life like that!

Perhaps a visit to your GP and a chat, referral to a counsellor and testing for STDs would be a good start.
Have you got anyone at all in RL that you could chat to and that could give you a great big hug?
Oh and btw, 2 of my paternal aunties all had kids in their late 30's and into their mid 40's, and they had 4 and 5 kids each. So dont give up totally on being too old to have kids.
Take care.

How do you go about putting a keylogger on???
I've no experience of what you're going through. But I hope you get some helpful posts. Sounds awful :(

you can buy them online for about 50 dollars so not cheap but in this case worth it!

He has admitted it and there is no way back obviously. My mum is coming over later and having a duvet day.

Thanks for your kind words. Just all a bit much we'd been thinking of kids and moving in. Probably good we didnt eh.

And i am so angry, no problem with peoples sexual choices but reading online reviews of your partners dick - that will take a long time to leave me.

A bit hysterical just trying to get through the next couple of hours....

How could he do that, people are so fucked up....

entertumble (((hugs))), I'm so sorry :(

Stop being so reasonable about people's sexual choices (or urges as I'm not sure they are necessarily within a person's control). Yes, there is nothing wrong with being gay, or bi, or asexual, or any other flavour. What is wrong is to have a relationship with you, and not being completely honest & transparent. He lied to you, your relationship wasn't honest, nor did he have respect for you.

I am so sorry. Get angry, enjoy duvet day, eat chocolate (or ice cream), and watch a good movie xx

it feels really cruel knowing i want a family and spending late thirties in a lie. Last relationship ended and he had cheated with a woman but that i could get. our relationship had problems we werent attracted to each other etc. This is just a different level, I mean reading reviews of his cock???!!! Boak

I thought I had it cracked with this one. Three years nearly, I will have a hard time trusting anyone again

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Like you say, a horrible twist on the usual cheating partner.

Go and see your doctor and get referred for whatever tests you need. See the doctor that you are most comfortable with. and also ask to be referred for counselling. There can be a huge waiting list in some areas and even if you dont think you need it now, you will be in the system and ready for it by the time you get an appointment.

((hugs))

I just cant get the images out my head. It's not even like he was drunk _ these were arranged meets via hook up sites in hotels during the day where he did anal and oral
Why would someone live a life like that - wreck my chances of motherhood and humiliate me.... And I thought it was the best relationship I had.

I dont think anyone ever knows anyone.

I'm scared of how I feel....

mum on her way...feel like such a disappointment to them as well one failed relationship after another and no grandkids....

He's a bastard. Not because he's gay. He can't help that. But he cheated on you. Repeatedly. It doesn't matter what the gender is. He betrayed you.

He has also been talking about starting a family with you? I presume he knows you'd been thinking of him as a "last chance" in terms of having children? (You've mentioned your age so it's probably been discussed?) That makes him a bigger bastard. He made promises he had no intention of keeping and he knew he'd be leaving you feeling like it would be too late for you to ever have children? Nasty, nasty man.

FWIW it is NOT too late! You could meet the perfect partner for you a week from now. :) Please don't let this pathetic creature ruin your future happiness. Not all men are as spineless as him.

In fact, he's done you a favour! Imagine being tied to him by your child? Boak!

Be good to yourself. x

I don't see how you can say you had a "failed and messed up relationship". You started getting close to a guy and then discovered what he does in his spare time, which is unacceptable to you. Fair enough, surely?

The only way to avoid the danger of relationships not working out is not to have any relationships, and what a boring world it would be if everyone did that. (Not to mention that the human race would die out rather quickly.)

Oh my goodness! You poor woman! What a horrible shock :(

Does he know you know?

Yeah, luckily we didnt live together yet though were planning moving in before Christmas. He knows I know is distraught and very tearful, hates himself says it was disgusting but he did it over and over.

Annie I take your point but we were together 2 and half years, spent most nights together, stayed with each others families, he made many promises about what he could give me and how he loved me. We werent just starting to get to know each other we had discussed marriage and making a lifetime comittment.

just gutted at having to start over and I know im not being rational. I honestly have no issue with anyone being bi or gay but something about the clinicalness of hotel room with a random stranger sucking him off and having your dick up his ass then leavning showering and meeting me. Dunno last ex fell for someone else and I understood that. Funnily enough we are friends now...

Really appreciated all your advice. What do you think I should do? Anyone else heard of this happening?

Just such a shock we had a very active sex life, no trouble with erections etc.

help!

The only thing I can say is that on the whole, the gay community practise safe sex in a way straights don't even think about. I seriously doubt he did 'tops' in an unsafe way.

Just let him know that like all cheating, it is the deceit and double life that is devastating. There are plenty of women out there who are fine with bi and would really accept that part of him, he didn't have to waste your life....

It's horrible for you but it's not entirely his fault. To behave like this, he must have grown up surrounded by homophobes and his relationship with you would have been a desperate attempt to prove himself 'normal'. But it was wrong of him to lie to you about this and to pretend that he was going to marry you and have children with you.

Wishing you strength; you will get over this and move on but right now, be kind to yourself.

Oh, I have to take issue with this, Abitwobblynow. "The gay community practise safe sex in a way straights don't even think about."

I work with someone who tells me all sorts of things about gay life. Just to give you an example: a friend of his has found out he's HIV+. He guessed he was as the men he's been having sex are rumoured to be. He has three children and an ex wife, though he's not divorced yet. He has a particular interest in boys who haven't yet had a homosexual relationship. He doesn't believe in using condoms. There are tons and tons of examples here. His own (now ex) boyfriend used to like going on Squirt etc and arranging to meet people within minutes of saying hello online. Although my colleague insisted they used condoms then, whenever my colleague worked abroad, his boyfriend would give him an STD when he got back. He'd clearly carried on the same practice and foregone the condoms. He knows a hell of a lot of men with HIV but a hell of a lot more who think they probably have it but don't get checked.

Of course there are some very responsible gay men but just as there are a lot of irresponsible straight men, there are a lot of irresponsible gay men.

I am sorry you are feeling so hurt at the moment, but I would just like to say that when my mum met my step dad they had a wonderful relationship. several yrs into it, my step dad was caught with a man in a public toilet. My step dad explained at that time to my mum that he had always thought himself gay until meeting her and that curiosity that time had gotten the better of him. They stayed together and he was faithful to her for nearly 25yrs until she passed away. This they had always kept from me, but small town etc, I had found out. 2 yrs after my mum passed, he finally came 'out'! He is now living happily as a fully gay man having had a wonderful marriage to my mum. Just because he is with a man does not make him gay, to me he appears more bi and perhaps because you are taking it to the next step by moving in, that he wants to make sure he is doing the right thing.

I am not saying in the slightest that he was right - I would be heart broken but some relationships do get through it. Clear lines of open communication are the key and if its meant to be, it will be be.

He swears it only happened twice a year apart and he used a condom both times supplied by the other guy and it was the site mentioned and they did meet within an hour. Says he felt hollow and hated it but that doesnt explain why go back. Said he was watching the masturbation videos and getting off on chatting - i can see tons of porn in his inbox from similar but straight sites where he'd messaged woman. I think he must be bi or a very good actor. He seems devastated.

I can kind of agree with SGB that its obviously not his fault and his parents would disown him. I have friends in open relationships etc. I could be ok with a bit of gay porn or if he'd experimented when younger but what he says does not add up to his actions.

I just don't imagine having come this far its something you dont do again. And also I don't want to be with someone and force them to be a certain way. If that makes sense.

I'm clear about what I want and its all pretty straightforward but I know not everyone is as sure. I just think knowing where I was at and what I wanted he should have been honest.

Its the deceipt and cheating partly but also the fact that a relationship with a practising bi man isnt for me. does anyone think its possible he is straight and just curious or am i delusional to try and feel a wee bit better

So very sad though.....

Thanks Bluemary

I flipped out and told a couple of people though....

I just think that maybe I'd always be doubtful and checking up and is that worth it??

Poor you

entertumbleweed, my DH has had a certain indisgression in the last few weeks and yes I am doubtful and yes I am checking up on him, but I see that is my marriage and it is worth working through. Strangely its not the act itself that hurt the most, its the way it made me feel and the fact that when ever he is out of the house, I am paranoid of where is or whether I will see her when Im out! I have however been open with him about this and started tracking his phone. I can now see where he is and vice versa, he knows where I am. Its a start and it stops the anxiety coming back.

He has also been to the local GUM clinic and awaiting tests, if he has never had them before I am sure its a way of putting him off ever again. My DH has been in peices awaiting the results of his HIV and Herpes tests. I try to be sympathetic, but well quite frankly Im not. He got himself into the mess and he has to deal with it. Depending on the outcome, it will finally decide the outcome of our marriage. I can live with a man that has made a mistake, but a man with STD's is another thing. Regardless of how you feel about this, I would still insists he goes.
Only you can decide whether you want him in your life and whether he is telling you the truth as to how many times and whether he will do it again.
Its certainly a hard one.

I have only told 1 person about this, oh and mumsnet but I am quite private about things normally. Hopefully if you do reconcile your differences, those who you have told wont judge for too long.

thanks its so confusing. I think that he means what he says totally and believes it wont happen again but I keep wondering if that is something he can even promise or that is in his control.

I had no suspcicions till two weeks ago and it was something random about a girl that got me thinking. Had never checked anything before. I used one of those webwatcher tools and got his passwords.

Was he with a guy or a woman? Don't you worry you will always be checking up on him?

My last ex (lived together for years) had a EA and probably sex with someone else - in the end I left him and they resumed and dated for a while though it didnt work out. Thing is I understood why - our relationship was volitile, we rarely had sex and no longer fancied one another and he was dependant on alcohol and cannabis. We had problems, I got why he did it, I'd been tempted and we worked through it though ultimately parted and some years on are friends.

This one I just see no reason for in our relationship and thats whats so hard. There wasnt much to work on. Even he admits he felt it was perfect and I am the love of his life. So if he does this when we are great together what hope have we got??

Im tryin to be rational but we'd been even starting ttc. Rug just ripped from under me and I am just so scared of another new start....