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Original poster

New twist on cheating twunt

102 replies

entertumbleweed · 06/09/2012 08:01

I posted last night but it was a bit garbled so hopefully I can do better today. I just want to know if anyone else here has found out their partner or husband is into and meeting up with men.

I feel really screwed up today. Two weeks ago he left his facebook logged in and there were a couple of things I felt a bit weird about so I put a keylogger on (have never done anything like this). Turns out he has been meeting men for sex on gaydar and squirt.

Thankfully we dont live together but we have been together for 2 and a half years and I am now 39 so feel like he was my last chance at a family.

We had a good sex life. Or so I thought. I am so repulsed. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay but it repulses me he was doing that and sleeping with me.

I know I need an STD check asap. Its just so awful. 39 and another failed messed up relationship. Also so humiliating to tell anyone....

Two hours sleep and I feel a wreck. Guess I just want to know what to do to process this and to find out if anyone else has been through this and how they dealt with it.

Have been a very long term lurker and just dont know what to do.... Could use a friend

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/09/2012 10:13

"He has a particular interest in boys who haven't yet had a homosexual relationship."
Really ib? That is quite creepy

Bluemary3000 · 07/09/2012 10:14

I think the point is that she wasn't aware he was bi and that resulting in the shock of her discovering this combined with the cheating is whats causing the pain. It shows deceit on his part, whether he meant to or not is another question. he may well be embarrassed by it. He shouldn't be, but still in this day and age, not everyone is accepting.
i am straight, married to a straight man and not homophobic in anyway, but yet still if I found him with another man, it wouldn't be acceptable. With another woman not acceptable but easier to deal with as its the sexual pre-preference I have always known him to have. I dont see that in anyway make me homophobic in the slightest. Human yes!!
Does that mean that a gay man in a gay relationship would find it easier if his partner suddenly went off with a woman! No, probably not! Its was we are used to in our relationships and what are understanding of our partners are. Not what they are hiding from us!

StealthPolarBear · 07/09/2012 10:17

Sorry should just clarify my quote on my previous post was off on a tangeant and does not refer to the op's partner!

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:22

With my last ex we had a really difficult time for a number of reasons and so the fact he ended up close to someone who he could talk to made sense.

For me this is very like a man seeing a prostitute. You pay to join this site and go meet up for 20 mins or so without knowing names etc, and do what is agreed. I would feel the same with a man visiting a prostitute.

It's the circumstances with ex one that make it different though not the sex of the person he cheated with.

I apologise for my thread title etc - when a person is very upset they say things and explain things in a way that isnt always exactly perfect. I am an articulate person but I realise that I have come across poorly.

Being cheated on with namesless people - men or woman sucks

It hurts that it is a man because I would be prepared to work through it but it has left me wondering is he gay and really prefers men but finds it hard to do due to cultural reasons or shame etc (that he feels not that I think he should have). It's not knowing whether there is any hope and if its experimental, somethign he might do sometimes that I can deal with or that he is actually not attracted to women at all in which case there is no point in us trying.

Thats what is hard - he says it made him feel terrible and he is straight but I don't know if this is likely or possible. I don't think he knows. I would support him if he is gay but obviously it would be no longer appropriate to be in a relationship with him. If he's bisexual and wants contact with men as well as being with me thats tough.

I have asked for this to be deleted and am horrified at how poorly I have explained myself.

Apologies offred - your point is made though and its really hard to read critism just now so maybe we can agree to leave it...

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2012 10:25

My point is it is homophobic to be put off someone you live because they are bisexual. It is also homophobic to assume that everyone is straight. I don't see how it is deceitful at all to be bisexual. If you are bothered about something like that why would you just assume someone was straight and then think they had lied about it when you find out they are not? If you asked about it and they lied because they knew you'd be mad that would be deceitful. It just isn't really relevant if it has never come up and you have never asked. Think back to the "how many men/women have you slept with?" thread and how many women had had sexual partners of both sexes, it isn't unusual or abnormal.

Offred · 07/09/2012 10:25

*love

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:29

The comment that I should be angry at myself for wasting my time not him really helped

And I don't see where I tried to say it was his fault I have tried to be understanding I am just upset

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/09/2012 10:29

Just re read the ops post. I don't see homophobia. She said she couldn't be with a practising bi-sexual. But honestly, neither could I.

She also doesn't want to bring children in to this situation. Which I read as, one where the father hooks up with people he just met an hour ago.

I can understand that people use it as an excuse which doesn't help people's prejudices.

But I think in this case, you have someone's whose life has turned upside down. And maybe she is not as clear in her writing as she would otherwise be.

Very sorry you are hurting op.

Offred · 07/09/2012 10:32

Ah ok x-post.

I am glad you can see what I'm saying and I shall be off now.

Offred · 07/09/2012 10:34

I said that you wasted your time with previous cheater ex by taking him back and flogging a dead horse. It isn't current guy's fault you did that with the ex and it is one of the things you are feeling hurt over.

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:34

Thanks Aussie I am really not homophobia and it was someone who was practising (bad choice of words but mean sleeping with other people) that is the problem.

Children thing is its not really ideal if a relationship is in an uncertain state and id prefer to be with someone if i have kids with them!

OP posts:
fiventhree · 07/09/2012 10:35

I once worked with a woman who had 4 children and whose h went off with another man.

She was devastated about the cheating and being left.

She was also devastated that she had never known this aspect of him. I remember her also saying that she felt that she could never win him back or fight for him, because she wasnt the right sex- she felt somehow cheated. Even though she probably worked through those feelings, they are understandable.

Also, she was a very slim and straight up and down body shape and small breasted, and I think that for a while she felt very personally challenged about herself, and whether she had been attractive to him for her boyish rather than female shape. Of course, that wasnt anything to do with his 'fault', even if it were true, but it was quite understandable that she felt like that.

I think there is a more general problem on a lot of threads, too. Sometimes posters who want to be helpful raise issues which whilst they are right in themselves, dont help the OP right now.

That is the difference between mn and counselling. A counsellor might see that the gender issue was not the issue, but might not start there. The place to start is the shock and the hurt, and the sense of betrayal. People in the OP's situation dont need lectures, and dont need to hear about whether or not monogamy is right for everyone, etc etc. It self evidently isnt right for everyone, but that doesnt make it a helpful subject for someone who was offered it when it never was on the table.

aufaniae · 07/09/2012 10:38

entertumbleweed I think you are dealing with this very well. it must be a terrible shock.

I would be absolutely livid at someone stealing several of my fertile years, that's how I'd see it anyway. As a guy he has the luxury of several years to piss about working out whether he wants to be a dad or not. We don't have that.

If motherhood is important to you, is it something you'd consider doing on your own?

Offred · 07/09/2012 10:39

A "practising bisexual" is the part aussiebean. A "practising bisexual" doesn't exist. Someone is bisexual, they don't practice it anymore than people practice heterosexuality. Sleeping with loads of people of both sexes is not "practising" bisexuality any more than hetero cheating men are "practising" masculinity.

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:41

it wasnt a dead horse, there was a lot of love there and we had many good times after the affair. we are actually really close friends no so not a waste!!

Previously, asking to get things deleted was silly. No sleep and food is probably making me really oversensitive!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:44

agree practising was a bad choice of words - i meant someone who did not practice monogamy - please dont take what I am saying too literally but if you pick me up on bad choices of words I will try to take it on board.

it was my decisions to be with him and I do take responsbility that if having a family was so important I should probably have dealt with it by now. It's an emotional reaction not a logical or sensible one!!

OP posts:
Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:45

damn i said practice monogamy - you get what I mean i hope

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/09/2012 10:46

Oh sorry offered. I didn't think of it that way. I thought that meant, someone who made a committment to someone, and still slept with people of the other sex to their partner.

Now you have explained it, it can see how some would read it that way.

fiventhree · 07/09/2012 10:46

Oh poor you tumbleweed.

Its always going to be there between you isnt it? Not just whether he can commit after infidelity, but whether you can ever be what really excites him?

From what you siad earlier, I think he is still in a bit of denial about the whole thing. If I were you, I would tell him that i didnt want to continue with the relationship or make a decision about the future until he has had some counselling to explore and decide what he really wants in life.

aufaniae · 07/09/2012 10:51

Offred, please leave the OP alone. That's enough now.

You are trampling over the feelings of someone in a horrible situation.

Offred · 07/09/2012 10:51

Ok, I can see that but I hope think you can also see how the words are important and how they can be hurtful to other people too.

also you don't need a monogamous relationship with the most wonderful man in the world to have a baby

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:52

thanks yes that's it, and I don't know if he knows or accepts it. he needs to be honest to himself about what he wants.

i love him an awful lot and want him to be happy, it was a really great relationship otherwise. no problems at all so at least i have something to aim for eh.

the images in my head are not nice - I guess anyone who has been cheated on gets pictures of what happened.

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2012 10:57

If he was cheating in the same way with both sexes as you say in your posts I don't think you have to worry about your gender not being what he wants too much. I think you have to worry more about how easily he can compartmentalise himself and how comfortable he is with how completely disrespectful he has been being. How good the relationship was before was a pretty lie that he deliberately constructed. I would never trust him again or even contemplate taking him back if I were you. If he has issues, or says he does I think you should not get involved with them, they are his and his alone.

Original poster
entertumbleweed · 07/09/2012 10:59

I know you are right it is just hard to hear and accept that it was all based on shaky foundations.

Boo!

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2012 11:05

It is so vital to get it into your brain. He will, more than likely try the "I love you but I needed to do this, waaaah, take me back" thing. He didn't need to do this, he wanted to, he doesn't have respect for you or he wouldn't have lied to you and hidden that he didn't want monogamy and actually I think he is probably a total scumbag of the "wanting to have cake and eat it" kind. I suspect he may have deliberately made the relationship wonderful so that it hid his extra sexual relationships better. He wants the benefits of monogamy without the commitment and if he tries to come back with the wailing about being confused you need to be strong and remember that it is the lying and the secrecy that was the problem and that sleeping with other people is not the answer to confusion (and actually only makes you more confused anyway I think).