New twist on cheating twunt

[entertumbleweed]

I posted last night but it was a bit garbled so hopefully I can do better today. I just want to know if anyone else here has found out their partner or husband is into and meeting up with men.

I feel really screwed up today. Two weeks ago he left his facebook logged in and there were a couple of things I felt a bit weird about so I put a keylogger on (have never done anything like this). Turns out he has been meeting men for sex on gaydar and squirt.

Thankfully we dont live together but we have been together for 2 and a half years and I am now 39 so feel like he was my last chance at a family.

We had a good sex life. Or so I thought. I am so repulsed. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay but it repulses me he was doing that and sleeping with me.

I know I need an STD check asap. Its just so awful. 39 and another failed messed up relationship. Also so humiliating to tell anyone....

Two hours sleep and I feel a wreck. Guess I just want to know what to do to process this and to find out if anyone else has been through this and how they dealt with it.

Have been a very long term lurker and just dont know what to do.... Could use a friend

I am living on a trust and a prayer at the moment and probably trying to put it out my head as much as possible.
I dont know how long it will take to stop checking on him, but I love him too much and geniunely believe he made a mistake ( he told me, otherwise I would have never have known)
It may or may not wreck my marriage only time will tell and today its a good day.
If it does all goes tits up and I throw him out, I'll make damn sure he never ever sees that woman again. I'll have it written into the divorce papers!! - not sure if thats possible, but I'll give it a good.
And remember my mum and stepdad were together for plus 25yrs and bar once, he never cheated and after that time he never did it again. I asked him after he came out after my mum had died and he said it would never have hurt her again the way and he did and bless, he never did!
Sometime there is no why, sometimes there just is. life is shit, you fall in love, you make mistakes, you take stock, you get on with it or make the decision to change. He seems to care and want to stay, you just need to make sure its what you want.
Maybe he just wanted to make sure once and for all.
We love our partners and sometimes quite frankly they are just dicks!!

I guess I wouldnt want someone not to do it because it might hurt me. I'd want them to be with me because they wanted to. I can't imagine a long marriage and then after I am gone a husband outs himself.

Do you think your mum was really happy with it or is it what they did then?

I don't think its something I can deal with at this point in my life. Do you have children?

Yeah my mum was happy, she had many issues about her, but they were brought into the marriage from my father and my gran, both who crapped on mym mum from a massive height.
My mum always knew about my stepdad and that he was gay/bi/confused even before they married and I think probably assumed that he would out himself again at some point in his life if she went first. Looking at, I'm not sure whether its any worse then finding another partner of the opposite sex and at the end of the day she was dead. My Stepdad was with mum as it was him that proposed to her and he has never seems like the type of person to do something because it was the right thing. He was more worried about tellling me about being gay than anyone else. Me I was relieved he could finally open up!
I have a DD just starting school and a DS about to turn 3. This has probably swayed my decision to work through this, although I wouldn't stay for the sake of the kids. I dont think thats fair. I watch my father and step mother hate each other even whilst they got married and saw my dad have affair after affair. I dont want that for my kids. But our marriage is good, we are good together, we are best friends who have a laugh together and that is what it comes down to for me. I am willing to forgive my best friend for his mistake, How long it takes to forget is different (in between writing my last post, I have checked I track just to make sure he is still at work as he is late. Its not uncommon but now makes me think a bit more!) Time will tell.

so confused yours is an interesting story. I forgave an ex cheating before and did get past it but his drinking and smoking dope became intolerable.

Your story seems to almost suggest that the sex of the person they cheat with doesnt matter so much.

My point was just to let you know that if you choose to stay and work it through then like my mum and stepdad, it worked out. They never had any children together but my mum was scared he would leave her as my dad did if they had kids. Its a shame as he always wanted kids so much. Whether I could have been as forgiving as my mum is another question.

I dont think it should make the difference as to what sex your partner cheats with, but in reality it probably does.

I think you need to look at whether you can get passed the cheating, but from what you have said about your prev relationship then you probably could. But its whether you can get passed your partner cheating with a man!

Honestly my whole life is made up of interesting stories as my parents tried their hardest to make it that way! I think thats why I am the way I am and made of stern stuff with a heart of steal, an ability to box things away emotionally without ever dealing with them (i'm working on that one!) and not being able to trust many people with my true thoughts and feelings (again working on that one too!).

This 'fault' business is a lot of nonsense.

It is not his 'fault' at all that he experiences feelings for men, or that he chooses to act on them.

It is not his 'fault' that his family would disapprove.

I feel sorry for him there.

However, it is entirely his responsibility how he treats others.

He has led you on OP, and lied to you and cheated on you. He has made promises he cant keep, or promises he certainly would struggle to keep. He probably has not truly confronted his feelings, and now he has been caught he is still in some denial about it. Also, he messaged women, too, so he has an issue with instant sex for some reason in any case.

He certainly could have chosen to:

• not progress the relationship as he has

-finish the long term relationship in favour of short ones with lots of people -conduct himself openly and offer you the choice work through his issues about his sexuality and own those issues

......to name a few.

He didnt.

A judge might say that is his 'fault'. A better way of putting it is that it is most certainly his responsibility, and he has selfishly not taken it on.

He cheated on you. End of.

Me and DH are bi. Doesn't mean anything in this context.

I see it as... I mostly like men with dark hair, but have had some very good boyfriends/encounters with light haired men. Women are like light haired men for me. Dh has dark hair, bt that doesn't mean I can cheat on him hen I feel like a bit of light haired action.

Does that make any sense?

Yes, some people have open relationships, I have in the past, but that isn't part of being bi.

I don't think the sex of the Other Person is so much of an issue unless the cheating partner is not at all interested in your gender, and is just trying to stick it out with you for the sake of social acceptability. That doesn't honestly sound like the case here. Bisexuality is a real thing! Being with people of the same gender doesn't mean all opposite-gender relationships were somehow a lie. For a lot of people, sexuality really isn't about one or the other.

BUT, what he's done is cheating, and meeting strangers for casual sex is cheating in a very high-risk way in terms of STDs. If you're TTC and obviously not using condoms then that is a huge, huge betrayal of trust. Shagging men behind your back isn't being a practising bisexual, it's being a cheating arse. I'm bi and I look at women as much as I ever did, but I don't fool around with them because I haven't agreed with my husband that that's OK. End of story.

You could always consider donor sperm, that kind of thing?

You've been very unlucky. I think you'd do better on your own than to think about keeping up this relationship, as I very much doubt he'd be able to give up his extras. You might think you could handle this but long-term it may not be something you want to keep coping with.

Thanks for everyones comments they are really helpful. I think it is unlikley that whatever he sas now he can committ to giving it up and I don't think it is something I personally can cope with or would want to bring a child into.

Lots of people are saying its not his fault that he does it and acts on it. And I can get that but when you are trying to figure out someones true intentions it is hard as they obviously make a whole set of promises that they probably cant actuall keep.

I fear I am grasping at straws.

It is so hard to imagine the man I thought I knew really well and loved hooking up with this guy (who also put a review of my partners dick on the site 'nice cock and knows how to use it, would meet again') I pray for the day that stops being in my head....

Got some sleep thanks to a whisky and sleeping tablet on a totally empty stomach, not a long term solution I know but feels better to at least have a few hours rest. And today I have to face work.

I think honestly you have quite an offensive homophobic attitude and some strange boundary issues too. I don't get why you are angry at this guy for wasting your time but not angry at yourself/the other guy for also wasting your time?

People are not telling you on here that it isn't his fault he does it and acts on it. They are saying being bisexual is irrelevant to your hurt. It isn't about needing to sleep with a lot of people of both sexes anymore than being a gay man or a straight man would be about having to cheat on a partner. There is crap around about men generally "needing" to "sow their wild oats". It is all irrelevant. He was committed to you, or so you thought, he has been a serial cheat you now discover. Some of your posts imply if he had been cruising for straight sex that'd be fine and that being gay or being bisexual is, to you, a child protection issue.

The issue here is these losers who cheat on you that you seem to have form with. Why do you value yourself so little that you would put up with this shit? If it is your bio clock then it hasnt worked out so well - you need your partner to be super dependable and you have to be totally sure of him to have a baby fairly quickly together. I don't believe you were sure of him because you snooped.

I think you need to sort out how you pick your men and also your expectations about having a baby, they are separate things. Also please do consider how hurtful and wrong some of your views about gay and bisexual people are.

I don't the she s being offensive actually. There ARE some different things o get your head around in this situation - whether. Is down to your gender, whether he never fancied you and it was all a cover, etc.

He is still in the wrong for cheating, but let the woman access support fgs.

And women post on here loads blaming the other woman. I actually think the op has it right. It was him who cheated. It is his fault.

Offred, I'm sorry, but I don't see the homophobia. Some of the OP's language is angry, but she's just found that her partner has been using a hook up site and having sex with strangers, and as a result has read reviews of his cock online. I'd be saying pretty horrible things about everyone concerned if that was me, be they gay or straight.

And as for not bringing a child into a situation where this as happening, well, again, I don't read that as the OP not wanting gay people around children, but more that she doesn't want to raise a family with someone who uses hook up sites to have sex with strangers.

I do agree with what you're saying about the OP needing to look at her tolerances/expectations in a relationship. I was in a similar situation to you, OP, but at 41, when I was left by a man who'd been promising for years that we would start a family. I have to accept that that relationship pretty much cost me my chance of motherhood.

Yes, I was very angry at my ex for doing that to me, but ultimately, I chose someone who could do that. Now, looking back, the warning signs were there (apart from the baby issue, he's very manipulative and abusive) so I have to take responsibility for my bad choices as well. I've since done a lot of work on myself, and hopefully won't end up in a relationship like that again.

If you read both threads she is saying some things I find offensive. Basically about her ex cheating with a woman and it being fine but how she wouldn't be with a bisexual man.

it was that i understsood it this i dont.

i apologise for offending you but i am just gutted and needed some help - will delete it all sorry

have asked for both to be deleted - just thought better not bring a child into a currently unstable relationship. And quite honestly cheating is so prevelant its no surprise it would happen twice.

I love this site and have read lots of good advice but too fragile to read critisisms like gays and child protection.

It is really sore just now and i am in a lot of emotional pain.

I am sure I will reflect on your views when i am a bit better

tumbleweed, please ignore people who are calling you homophobic. I would like to see them remaining politically correct in your situation, and it doesnt make you homophobic.

I absolutely dont believe in violence, and never have, but when I discovered my h was milking 18 year old girls on the net for information about their sex lives (when he is 50 and we have 16 and 25 year old daughters), I actually hit him.

Yes it wasnt helpful, but sometimes we dont manage very well our shock, our sense of betrayal and our astonishment at the person we thought we knew. Because we are all human.

nd you have been very badly betrayed. His need or desire to do what he did doesnt excuse the shit he has put you through.

Basically this man has issues around monogamy. Bisexuals are perfectly capable of having monogamous relationships, just the same as heterosexuals are, or are not, monogamous at some times in their lives: monogamy doesn't suit everyone but it's pushed at us so hard as the 'only' way to have a relationship that this sort of unhappiness is very common.

I dont think homophobia was mentioned in even indicated at all in this thread, I would find it very hard to discover that my husband had cheated on me with a man - full stop. This is not because I dont like 'gays' but because the whole idea of my knowing of him and his sexual preferences would have changed so i would then have to deal with both a cheating spouse and potential bi or gay spouse. Basically that it is head fuck and a half.
I have gay friends, I have a gay dad and that bears to no relevance to what me and my husband/partner get up to in our personal lives.
Tumbleweed, do what you feel is right for you and your future life together or not, whatever you decide.
Ignore what can sometimes come accross have very high and mighty comments on this forum!

Fiventhree - yes assuming I haven't been in her position it isnt "being politically correct" not to want people to perpetuate a myth that being bisexual is greediness and promiscuity, liars, cheats and sexual abusers all. Being bisexual doesn't have anything to do with cheating and I think it is fundamentally quite homophobic to assume everyone is straight and see someone's bisexuality as a deal breaker when you have been previously planning marriage and children. Cheaters tell lies, bisexual cheaters often say they couldn't help it they needed to explore their sexuality, that is the same excuse as "you were pregnant and I have needs" or "men aren't meant to be monogamous". It is just an excuse.

And I don't think it is just me that feels like this tbh, there's been low traffic on this thread. Cheating twunt threads normally attract lots of traffic. So ok, you are feeling very sensitive but it isn't a reason to let homophobia go unchallenged on a thread not for me anyway.

White people sometimes get offended if their dps cheat with black people, if they are racist, other people don't sympathise with the op for feeling gutted about their dps "secret sexual preferences".

Offers you have made your point.

Do you think going on about it it helping or hurting a person who has asked for help and in a lot of pain?

Have a heart FFS

I didn't read homophobia either. When the op said she didn't understand it I thought she meant she didn't understand him hooking up random men he just met. Something straight men can do as well with women.

Then I read it that she understood her ex going off because he was unhappy in the relationship, but couldn't get why this man, who said he was happy and wanted marriage would do that.

That's is how I read it.

Yes, except that I clearly hadn't made my point because people were still telling me there was no homophobia and I shouldn't have been offended. I appreciate the op is fragile and upset but it really shouldn't give a license to hurt other people. Nor should this kind of thing be unexpected or unusual on MN as a reaction. I don't see why it is important to let the homophobia slide, the homophobia is likely to be one reason she's so upset anyway. Fix that, fix one of the things she's feeling so bad about, it just isn't reasonable to pass that part of the hurt onto him as his responsibility. He can't help that he's bisexual, he can help that he is a cheat and a liar and if the op is genuinely more concerned about bisexuality than cheating or lying then that's a real problem in itself. You don't have to be monogamous, some people are much happier to not be but it is unhealthy to end up in relationships where monogamy is stated as important but then one cheats and lies and the other although hurt tolerates it (provided it is a woman).

Has everyone not read the title of the thread then? "new twist"?