New twist on cheating twunt

[entertumbleweed]

I posted last night but it was a bit garbled so hopefully I can do better today. I just want to know if anyone else here has found out their partner or husband is into and meeting up with men.

I feel really screwed up today. Two weeks ago he left his facebook logged in and there were a couple of things I felt a bit weird about so I put a keylogger on (have never done anything like this). Turns out he has been meeting men for sex on gaydar and squirt.

Thankfully we dont live together but we have been together for 2 and a half years and I am now 39 so feel like he was my last chance at a family.

We had a good sex life. Or so I thought. I am so repulsed. I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay but it repulses me he was doing that and sleeping with me.

I know I need an STD check asap. Its just so awful. 39 and another failed messed up relationship. Also so humiliating to tell anyone....

Two hours sleep and I feel a wreck. Guess I just want to know what to do to process this and to find out if anyone else has been through this and how they dealt with it.

Have been a very long term lurker and just dont know what to do.... Could use a friend

I dont see the homophobia. Nor do I see the OP saying is was 'OK' for her previous partner to cheat. In fact she said there were issues within THAT relationship, such that she understood WHY her partner cheated...

She thought this man was the love of her life, They had talked about marriage, Its not 'homophobic' to be pissed offf that he has a) cheated ar b) kept a huge part of his personal life secret from her.

Nowhere does she suggest that a bi or homosexual partner is a risk to children - don't be ridiculous. She is saying she would not chose to have a child with a partner who CHEATS. And that as a woman in her late 30's, she feels her child bearing years are dwindling..

FFS stop seeing homophobia where is does not exist.

OP, please dont delete. I really feel for you and Im sure there will be a lot of support for you

OK, I take it back :)

It's all becoming very helpful. i agree with Offred's last post. He's treating you despicably. The most important thing is that he's been lying and cheating on you, your sexuality could never be an excuse for being a so unkind to your partner.

(Second thread I've been on this morning that could have been a bunfight that's ended up very helpful. A refreshing change!)

His secret life is the most hurtful thing that he could ever do to you but don't let him make you think his sexuality is an excuse or reason for it, especially don't convince yourself of it and please get more angry with him! His actions tell you he is not only a cheating twunt but a cold and calculating manipulator who is willing to actively put you and his potential child at risk from STIs in order to protect and maintain his entirely unimportant and selfish sexual choices.

I.e. to have numerous sexual experiences as well as a nicey nicey homelife with you and possibly to not use condoms during them. Entirely unimportant, entirely unnecessary and entirely selfish.

I think this is what I need to hear as I am feeling like maybe he is just confused and I can help him. I know its not possible but my brain trying to make sense of things...

A cheater is a cheater - just makes a lie of it all and I really don't trust my judgement. He was about to move in start a life together. I really thought I had it made and it was the easiest relationship I had. I guess with other ex we could see why it happened and there were things we could both work on. This seems like either I accept his lifestyle or walk away as its not fair to ask or expect anything else.

Its hard to hate him we have only spoken on phone but he is totally in bits. However, floods of revulsion do come over me that he had sex with others and pretended I was the love of his life....

Have work appointments, can't eat and only just holding it together...

"I am feeling like maybe he is just confused and I can help him"

You need to be aware that this is very potentially dangerous to you.

You are a nice, genuine, loving person. Which is great, but if your instinct is to be understanding (as mine is) then you are potentially vulnerable to people twisting situations so that you feel you need to help them, and end up putting their needs before yours. I have fallen into this trap too many times

You deserve to be treated well. Your partner may well have been conflicted and confused, but that doesn't excuse him from acting with decency towards you.

I'm not saying don't try to help him if you want to, nor that he will try to manipulate you necessarily. But just to be careful you're not putting his feelings above yours, nor excusing his behaviour, just because you're a decent human being.

The person who needs your kindness and help most at the moment is you.

Here is the thing for me; ok, so say he was conflicted and confused about himself and who he was and how he felt. Shagging about is not normally the answer anyway but say he thought it was, why was he doing it so coldly and so routinely? People who are confused about their feelings behave emotionally not routinely don't they normally? He says he felt like that and you felt it was the best and easiest relationship you'd been in. Why are those two things so disconnected with each other and what who is the common denominator? I don't believe you are an egocentric person so rationally speaking why would you have felt so differently to how he is saying he felt? The only reasonable explanation is that he deliberately and calculatingly went out of his way to conceal what he was doing and, if you believe it (I dont you may have guessed) how he was feeling from you. This shows that he values himself above you, that he does not intend to have the kind of relationship you want (a sharing one) with you and that he is exceptionally good at lying and concealing himself, also at manipulating you for his benefit.

I AM saying dont try to help him. What you want out of your own life is not compatible with sticking around to try and turn a nasty twunt into a nice bloke for someone else to benefit. His drama is his own. He needs to grow up, if he hasn't already then he may never.

I think you are right it is just so hard to accept and I want to believe it was a mistake but I am also trying to stand back and see what I would advise a friend.

It's just like the person I loved never existed, he keeps texting saying he only wants me but that's not true is it.

I suppose I want to know if it is possible he could stay faithful but it is very unlikely.

My heart just cannot catch up with my head at all - its really fresh and raw.

I appreciate your comments and I know the way forward so please don't think I am not listening or that I am seriously considering going back, my head is just so erratic and I guess in some ways the brain tries to make sense of it all....

Don't start thinking this in anyway reflects badly on you either. You are not a mug or a doormat. You are someone who opened their heart and their life to someone who took that and screwed it up, it only reflects badly on him. Only him.

It is perfectly possible he may never cheat again, it is also perfectly possible he would go back to the secret life as soon as he was able and you would never know or if you found out would be less able to extricate yourself having gone back to him. "you knew what I was like, why did you take me back." would be the logical argument from him next time. I find it hard to see how you could enjoy him if he was faithful either, in fact that would almost be worse because you would be hyper vigilant and always waiting for the axe to fall. It is no small thing that. He has managed to so completely conceal his feelings/behaviour from you.

And if you want a laugh have a look at my own patheticness in my marriage in contrast to my ball-breaky advice about your relationship. Aware it is very hard to do and easy to say!

It isn't untrue to say he only wants you, he did only want to actually have a relationship with you. Trouble is he wanted you to provide the benefits of a relationship for him whilst he got off on numerous faceless sexual encounters with other people that ok, maybe he can honestly say he didn't want them. So ok, he only wants you, but that isn't a nice thing because what he wants you for and why he wants you are not nice things. It is also horrible that he could use other people like that, even if they wanted/chose it because it doesn't say things about him that I think you would feel happy or comfortable about.

Where is your thread? I will have a read....
It's never as black and white when it's your own life. Perhaps we can just make decisions for each other?

Was reflecting on something you said earlier and I think I did have a prejudice that a bi sexual man would always need to be with men as well as woman to be satisfied so it is interesting what has been said - I never really realised that was my perception was probably a presumption against monogamy. So I have learned something about myself.

I just don't know, it's so sad when a relationship ends like this and it's not what you want that you always try to think of ways to make it work. I think I need to have a long think about my priorities and set about acheiving them.

I do generally think I am quite self aware and well adjusted but its enough to keep myself ok in life and I don't think I can take on anyone else as a project.

He is clearly more conflicted than me to have behaved the way he has. I really did have a great time with him though - so much in common, such fun, such similair humour, great and varied sex life (or so I thought).

It would be the same if it was a woman having those images of someone cheating in my head but I know it will fade with time. It's getting from here to there that is difficult for me...

here ha! I could cringe reading the title back now!

Yes, it is really horrible. I suppose you will be able to look back on the good times with happiness one day but it is an infuriating discovery. I think you need to feel very justifiably angry with him. Don't be too understanding pot kettle because actually I think he is taking advantage. He might not be a horrible person although I think he may be but he has treated you horribly!

It is a common misunderstanding of bisexuality btw. To me it means the potential to be attracted to someone irrespective of their gender but there's a common understanding of it perpetuated by cheating twunts like your lates ex as promiscuity similar to how being a gay man was thought of in the 80s.

I have come on here after ages, but had to reply to this post. Don't blame yourself OP. I knew him for 9 years before I found out and we were married by the time I found out. He was loyal to this one boyfriend of his :( - suddenly it all made sense, he had wanted this partner of his to be the best man at our wedding.

When we got married his partner, stayed on in our room and then came back later - as if he did not want to leave us alone. (I had saved myself for marriage...what a waste!)

Imagine what it did to my trust and we have children in the picture :(. Its been almost a decade since I first suspected this, he will never admit it to date and although we are divorced now, I wish he would just accept it for once to me.

Just get yourself tested for STDs and try EFT (google it) to help with the emotional issues. You will have another chance if you let yourself - this lying piece of sh** does not deserve to take that away from you.

Being cheated on with a man, is an all new ball game and one doesn't even know how to feel about it. You'll learn in the coming days that some people will think its in your head... Just do what's right for you and erase him out of your life forever.

Thanks for your reply it is really helpful to hear from someone who has come out the other end of it.

I want to believe he was just experimenting and we can sort it out. It is so hard not to know if he is gay in which case obviously there is no future for the relationship as it is or if he actually ever liked woman at all.

I don't like to be judgemental and I am probably realising some of my own prejuedices through this but its just so hard to think some faceless person messages you and you go have sex then pretend all is amazing. I know lots of people do this and enjoy it (in fact i know a couple of guys who use grindr etc so I know how it goes) its just not what i ever wanted

He should have given me a choice whether to go ahead with it or not in the beginning.

Did you have a lot of unwelcome images in your head? Looking back did you think you should have known?

I am glad that we didnt have children - and I think he'd be an incredible dad - i never even wanted a child till i met him and saw him with neices and nephews. Because then you have to keep seeing them though I guess in time it lessons.

It so helpful to hear of someone else that went through it.

Ive been through quite a few difficult things in my life and these last four or five years I worked so hard on myself, workin through issues and I thought it had all helped. I really had attracted a better relationship through it.

I'm having feelings I didnt think I'd have again about myself....

I just wish people could weigh up the thrill of a fuck with the hurt it causes and be honeset so other people could decide whether it was for them before it went any further.

Wow long....

Typing while crying does some horrific things to spelling, grammar and syntax!

Oh BLEURGH! He's a stupid fucker!

It doesn't matter if he was or says he was "experimenting" really does it? He's not been faithful like you thought he was. The fact he is wailing about being sad now means there was no confusion in the relationship about your expectations of monogamy and the nice pretend monogamous relationship he had with you suited him for some reason.

If you were to stay together I think you would really need to get to the bottom of this. Just why did he make the choices he did? What did he get out of it?

It was definitely not experimentation I can tell you because the amount of time and effort he put into his arrangement was huge really wasn't it? Huge.

Come on, MN will have a pity party with you and we'll cut his stupid cock off and send it to the stupid fucker who reviewed it...

If you get a chance go on my thread and read ladywordy's post about counselling.

Ahem... Metaphorically speaking of course... Ahem...

ha ha thanks, that review will stick with me forever but I wouldn't recognise the fecker than posted it unless I saw his rashy bum (the profile picture in two different lighting sessions). Profile name williinbottom (will I get in trouble posting that??)

I am off for a pint with a friend who has had a bit of a harsh separation from his wife recently and is mid custody battle so we can put the world to rights.

One thing I am very lucky to have is a lot of great friends who will come over or phone when I need them. So in that way I am blessed.

More later

you couldnt make it up eh

Ha! Have been through very similar although was when I was 16. Boyfriend getting a blowjob while I waited for him in another room, trailing round gay bars etc... Tis a load of crap!! A load of crappity crap!!