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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh will not accept that I want to split up

352 replies

Pinkjenny · 06/09/2012 07:55

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

OP posts:
JamInMyWellies · 09/09/2012 10:42

Sweetie go to your mums.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/09/2012 11:06

If I leave I am just going to make things worse. I never felt like he was going to be physical or I would have left. I don't want to start being all dramatic.

OP posts:
TwinkleReturns · 09/09/2012 11:31

"Being all dramatic"

He is being all dramatic - sobbing fits, asking DC "does mummy love Daddy anymore", storming into your room shouting in the middle of the night.

You couldn't be under-reacting to this more if you tried.

You are minimising and normalising this. I did that. You are being manipulated into thinking that if you left you would be being dramatic - that its an overreaction.
This makes it clear that you are not in control of this situation but that he has conditioned you to accept this abuse to the extent that you think this isnt that bad and that protecting your child from shouting and agression is "being dramatic"

Op what would you do if a stranger started yelling at you infront of your child? Would you protect them? Would your DD be scared and worried? Would she need reassurance that you wouldnt let anyone hurt her, that everything was going to be ok?

How much scarier do you think it is for her own father to be the shouting man?

leaving is not "being dramatic" its protecting your child. Dont wait until shes watched him get right up in your face, or watched him hit you or grab you round the wrist. Dont wait until she is petrified of him and has nightmares about him "hurting mummy again".

I saw some awful things in Refuge. Things which we as adults can move on from but which scar children. I know Im being harsh but I know that you need to stop convincing yourself that this man wont cross that line. Ive been there OP, just a few months ago. I stayed and my DD was in danger. Dont make the mistakes I did, please.

ZiaMaria · 09/09/2012 11:34

Been lurking.

Your husband appears to be losing it and is likely to escalate from here. If you don't want to leave, please at least notify the police that he is behaving aggressively so that they know to respond quickly in the event that you do have to call for help.

MadBusLady · 09/09/2012 11:42

Pinkjenny So far I've been very much of the "watch and wait" persuasion. I've been mindful that you're stressed and it's all a very different world now, and it could just be jangled nerves. And on that basis I've thought it was ok for you to stay in the house as long as you remained watchful and didn't hesitate to act if you needed to.

I still don't think anyone can absolutely predict that he will turn violent. But with the latest update he has crossed another boundary, there's no getting away from it. There's nothing dramatic about it, it's just a fact.

I think there is now sufficiently clear evidence of escalation that I personally wouldn't want to take the risk of further boundaries being crossed, either for me or on behalf of any DCs.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/09/2012 11:55

I'm still not sure. He's being fine today.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 09/09/2012 11:58

Can you sort out a bolt for DD's door? Or failing that, heavy piece of furniture so you have some warning if he tries to get in again?

TwinkleReturns · 09/09/2012 12:05

yes he would be - its the classic abuser script. If he was awful all the time you'd be able to easily see that you need to leave. This "being fine" is designed to keep you in this false sense of security. You are playing into his script by not acting and relying on the behaviour he is chosing to show. It is a show though, his previous outbursts prove that underneath he isnt "fine" about you wanting to end things. You need to stop viewing this man as the same man you fell in love with - he is now as unpredictable as a crocodile stalking around your home. He seems fine, just lounging about by the river. But we all know that a crocodile is always ready to turn. He is that crocodile - any moment he could have another outburst and every time that you dont capitualte and agree to making things work you are one step closer to him losing it with you completely.

What you should be doing is using this time when he "seems fine" to quietly pack a bag and get DD and you out the house. I can promise you that when you are free from this situation you will scare yourself with the fact that you waited this long because the longer you are away from his control the clearer you will see what we are all seeing. The way you are feeling, the not wanting to leave etc, the doubt - that is what he has conditioned you to feel and what he wants you to feel. Once that control is removed I GUARANTEE that you will feel your own natural feelings again and know that you've done the right thing.

Speaking v much from experience here.

LurkingAndLearningLovesOrange · 09/09/2012 12:37

PinkJenny this is all I'm going to say, but I seriously hope you heed my word even though I am very young and have never been married.

My mother once tried to leave my father, and his reaction was so similar to what you're going through I'm getting chills and feeling a bit ill reading this.

The Man Who Would Never Be Physical?

When he finally realised mum meant it when she said get out?

Resulted in my conception. :( She stayed until I was 3.

Blatherskite · 09/09/2012 12:46

Pinkjenny is definitely a long standing poster. We were on the same antenatal threads for our youngest who are a few months off turning 3!

It sounds so scary PJ, I agree with others that it sounds like he's getting more and more aggressive as his tactics fail to gain him back the control he thinks he should have. You need to get out of there with the DC

ZiaMaria · 09/09/2012 12:50

I will also point out that I have seen someone who 'would never be violent' hold a knife to someone's throat. Seriously - do not let it get that far.

NotDavidTennant · 09/09/2012 13:23

PJ, it is going to get worse whether you leave or not. You may feel like you still have some control here, but look at how quickly he has turned it around in his head that he has been the victim in your entire relationship. Where is that line thining going to lead to next?

My sincere advice is that you should stop thinking about damage limitation now, and focus your decision making solely on what you need to do to keep yourself and DD safe.

Flisspaps · 09/09/2012 14:45

How is leaving going to make things worse?

bringbacksideburns · 09/09/2012 16:14

PinkJenny - how could it be any worse? Seriously? He's screaming at you in the middle of the night calling you a cunt. How old are your kids? Do they need to hear this?

You need to get a plan together ASAP - Solicitor on Monday and get out as he won't. Go to family.

bringbacksideburns · 09/09/2012 16:15

I think maybe he has bullied you for so long you think this is the norm Sad

It will not get any better.

bringbacksideburns · 09/09/2012 16:17

Sorry- read back. He shouted you were treating him like a cunt. Still horrendous and worrying.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/09/2012 18:26

We seem to have called a bit of a truce today. Have let him know that any more of his shenanigans and I will be walking out the door. This might be a stupid thing to do. But I have just been to dinner with my family and not one of them even mentioned it to me. I have never felt so alone.

OP posts:
UnnamedFemaleProtagonist · 09/09/2012 18:49

.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 09/09/2012 19:31

'shenanigans'

MadBusLady · 09/09/2012 19:33

Have you told your family now then? Sorry they're not supporting you. Sad

2rebecca · 09/09/2012 20:07

It may take your family a while. My sibs were supportive but surprised as I hadn't mentioned being unhappy to them. My parents didn't understand it and felt sorry for my ex for a while, until he started bad mouthing me to them and then they started supporting me.

cestlavielife · 09/09/2012 20:24

But you have to mean it pj.
So if he comes into your room and shouts tonite you will pick up dd there and then and leave? If so then good.

But if you won't follow thru then like with a toddler he will just think you don't mean it.

Your family probably don't really realise what is going on ..but if you turn up with suitcase and dd they might realise . If not then a friend?

cestlavielife · 09/09/2012 20:26

And yes put a bolt on the door tonight or heavy furniture so he can't come in.

Or has he promised not to wake you up in the night?

Thing is someone who is not sleeping but staying awake presumably thinking about it all and wanting to scream at you at one a m really isn't rational.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 09/09/2012 20:36

I think my Mum just worries about the dc and wants to pretend it isn't happening. He has come in and is being fine, so we will see. Thanks for all the amazing support, am Conscious you probably all want to shake me.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 09/09/2012 20:44

Just be careful, don't let your guard down completely. He cannot be trusted not to switch again...