Dh will not accept that I want to split up

[Pinkjenny]

i have tried to link to my previous thread but I can't seem to do it on this iPad. I told dh 3 weeks ago that I want to split up. I have told him over and over again. Basically he is following me around the house, sobbing about his kids and what he is going to lose etc etc, telling me i am destroying everyone's lives and threatening to kill himself. He keeps waking me to talk at 3am, waking me with wracking sobs etc. I have never seen this side of him before, I know it is a horrible situation and I honestly am not a bad person, but things have been terrible for so long and I just want to be happy.

Now he is saying that it is up to me to convince him why I don't love him, and explain what I want in a partner, and once he is sure he can't do that or be that, he will accept it.

I am emotionally drained and I can't go on like this. My solicitor has advised me not to leave the house, or that is what I would do.

I am bright and breezy today. Things are very cordial and I am getting on with some housework. I'm not bringing it up unless he asks me anything.

Weekend going well so far. Both kids and me crying. Him saying to dd, 'Does Mummy love Daddy?'

He is still saying he doesn't understand why I want to destroy everything and everything he wants is here. If he made me happy before why won't I give him the opportunity to do it again.

And more 'Do something if it's what you want.'

At one point he said he was going to tell my Mum and Dad!

If you haven't told them then do, telling your side of the family ahould come from you.
I would make it plain that him emotionally manipulating the children doesn't make you love him more.
Just keep telling him you no longer love him as a wife should love her husband and think you would be happier living without him, and a marriage can't work when just 1 person wants to be married so the fact that he is happy being married doesn't alter your choice.
I would get angry re the being woken up stuff, that is sleep deprivation. You could get him thrown out of the house for repeatedly waking you up, I would tell him that.

Watching XH's emotional manipulation of the DCs was the thing that brought it home to me that I was definitely doing the right thing. A supposedly loving parent who can use their children's feelings to beat their mother with is not someone who deserves consideration.

Have mistakenly engaged. Tried to explain myself again. Stupid. He just doesn't understand why if I loved him once I can't love him again.

Brick fucking wall.

Him saying to dd, 'Does Mummy love Daddy?'

Wow. That is spectacularly shitty.

Pinkjenny, it's not that he can't understand it, he just doesn't want to.
Using the DC as pawns in his games just underlines how right you are to walk away from this marriage - and you should tell him so. Because, if nothing else, it might stop him from continuing to do so (doubt it but it's worth a try).

Agree that you should tell other people yourself - get it out in the open, what's stopping you?

And more 'Do something if it's what you want.'

He has a point there. If you really want to split up you must start it off. Don't wait for him.
Find a solicitor or mediator and get things going.
Or get the paperwork for a quick divorce.

At one point he said he was going to tell my Mum and Dad!

You should tell all people you are separated, just living under the same roof until one moves out or you sell the house (if that's the case).

Were you his first girlfriend? If not use his previous girlfriends to explain how people can change and grow apart. Also make it clear that loving a husband is about wanting him to be your lover and you don't any more.
That sounds brutal and was one of the things I could never say to my ex although it was the main reason I left him. If you have seperate bedrooms and haven't had sex for ages he must know you no longer fancy him though or want him to be your lover.
It's not clear why he wants the relationship to continue.

He's just stormed out. The latest text::

I feel totally used - it feels like u ve had what u wanted at the very times u wanted it - so all on ur terms at every step of the way and I have agreed to all of it. Now u decide u want something diff (but its what I wanted throughout) and ur tossing me to the ground and literally walking all over me and complain when I don't agree. U mentioned ur sense of entitlement - and that is coming through now more than ever. Could I say u ve secured children and the house u wanted therefore I am now surplus to ur requirements? I feel disrespected personally as well as our relationship and u are choosing to focus only on the bad - all the good- of which there is much is insignificant to you and u choose to ignore. U even chose to see that my reaction to this somehow puts you at risk for the fear of me doing something to me and my children (cos u ve read about what other men have done!) ... I am not another man.

My ex said something similar.

I was only with him to have children.

After waiting 4 years to start TTC, then 2 of TTC, and 5 of putting up with his mental issues and not working, while being a twat.

Oh yeah, and the slight issue of him assaulting me twice.

Ignore.

And do tell everyone

Ive been lurking and now feel compelled to post.

I am really concerned at what I can see as him escalating. In his mind its all to play for and nothing to lose atm. he is currently using a whole arsenal of emotional abuse to grind you down but as soon as this Worm realises thats not working I am pretty sure he will get physical. You need to get out of this situation.

I was with a sexually and emotionally abusive arse for 4 years. Ive spent the past 18mo attempting to get free of him. Ive finally got there but I made it harder for myself by staying in the property with him because he wouldnt leave and I thought I knew his limits and could cope. I had to grab bags and run out the door with DD twice in those 18mo because he suddenly crossed a line and did something I never thought he would. I was very stupid and could easily have ended up watching my daughter fighting for her life in hospital. He had NEVER laid a finger on her, it had all been about me but he got desperate and realised that hurting DD would get to me and he waved a samuria sword about when DD (7mo) was playing on the floor. He looked at me and I knew he'd lost it - gone past what he or I thought him capable of. There was no emotion in his eyes, no symathy. He was unhinged, desperate to regain control and very dangerous. If I had been 3 seconds slower someone would have been hurt, I can guarantee that.

Never think that its worth the risk. Better safe than sorry. Get out now while he's still on the EA. yes you might lose the house but its a house. yes you might lose some of your things - they're just things. In that moment when you realise that they may be about to hurt your DCs you dont give a flying fuck about the house or the things. I left with a bag and the pushchair. I had no money, few clothes, few toys. It didnt matter. I went to refuge, they arranged police to chuck him out of the home and helped me pack more of my stuff into bags. they took my statement. Refuge gave me toys and food and a safe place. They arranged a solicitor who specialised in DV and they rushed through my benefits.

Im not telling you to do what I did or that you "have" to do anything. Im telling you that reading your posts fills me with the same dread I felt when I was still with worm and that dread and fear was well founded. Please dont be catious, please dont minimise it in your head. If the gloves are off as far as he's concerned then now is the time for you to fight for your and your DCs safety. Completely disengage. Imagine putting all your emotions into the heart of a fire. Its consuming those emotions and leaving you calm. everytime he starts up envisage that fire, focus on it, let it fill your mind and block him out. the SECOND he gets physical grab DCs and RUN out the front door dialling 999. the next time he says to DCs "does mummy love Daddy" damn well show them that you WILL protect them from this utter shit - grab them (pick them up and drag them if you have to) and take them into a dif room and shut door or better still go out. I know how hard it is but you have to protect them and you if you stay there. if he comes in to engage, walk away. if he follows you, shut the door. If he gets agressive call the police. Its that simple.

Sending you strength to get through this. You can do it, believe in yourself and the belief your DCs have in you that you can and will protect them from this, at whatever cost.

Are you going for legal advice re the house this week? And could you go and stay with family for a week or something to get away from him?

He's using the kids now as emotional blackmail. You are not happy, you don't love him and you don't have to explain yourself anymore.

Yes. Am speaking with my solicitor on Tuesday. Tonight he is being very bitter. Muttering things about being screwed by bitches and that kind of thing. In some respects I prefer this to the crying and intend to stay out of his way.

PinkJenny: Please be very careful and keep your phone handy. He is switching from pity-party to aggression and might escalate quickly.
if you have to grab the children and run into the street this doesn't mean you will lose the house and even if it did, better that than him physically harming the kids. Please don't minimize any threats from him; if he starts saying that he's 'got nothing left' or even hinting that it would be better if you had 'all' died then call the police, tell them your partner is making threats to kill and you are afraid for your children's safety. They will remove him at least for the night.

Does he know you're seeing the solicitor on Tuesday, Pinkjenny? I really hope not, for your sake.

Other posters here are right - he's escalating - he's reaching the point of realising that you're going to do this, and he's nothing to fight for because he's not going to change your mind, so his next step will be to stop you achieving what you want by whatever means.
This is potentially a very dangerous time indeed for all of you. I'd be tempted to at least get the children away, stay at friends' houses or something, so that it's only you that needs to get out quickly if necessary.

In your shoes pinkjenny I'd be packing a bag at the first safe opportunity, even if that meant getting friends or family in to help/keep me safe and then leave with the kids.

They're going to be unsettled whatever you do, best they and you are safe and unsettled than at risk at home.

My mum left the marital home and took us (and that was a non abusive relationship) yet didn't lose the house, we returned when Dad left - in fact, she's still living in it now, 25 years later!

You need to be out of his way in another location with the kids.
He is volatile and unstable.

And please don't try and explain anything, it isn't worth engaging In any dialogue .

And yes the tone and tenet of what he says is eerily familiar.

I agree with posters saying be very careful.

He burst into the bedroom last night at 1am and turned the light on and started shouting at me about whether I had only had sex with him to conceive the dc and how I was treatin him like a c*nt. it was a bit scary but I didn't feel like he was going to actually be physical, so I just ignored him until he left the room.

This morning he is being perfectly nice. I am just not getting into it again.

Fecking hell, pink!

Ok, I think I'd now be packing a bag and making a discreet exit. Tuesday you can tell the solicitor that events moved on. Sorry you and the DCs are going through this rubbish. I think you might be swinging between slight paranoia and slight normalising because you're so knackered with it IYSWIM. He's clearly escalating.

Honestly, this is very very worrying. He is revving himself up for a physical attack and it will come, so you really need to get out of there or have him removed.
If you feel you can't leave until you have seen the solicitor, do you have any large or at least psychologically tough friends or relatives who you could invite to stay for a couple of nights? Having someone else in the house might make this arsehole pretend he's a civilised human being while you make preparations to get rid of him. Or, worst case scenario, if he does flip out then there is one other person there to grab the kids/call the police/fend off the arsehole.

there are now quite a few people saying that this is likely to turn violent, PJ, and you were scared by him last night. we're all very sympathetic, obviously, but i just would like you to think hard about where this behaviour is leading... do you honestly think that battering you is a rubicon that he will just not cross?

Could you at least sort out a bolt on dd's door?

I agree with others that he sounds unstable and that his behaviour is escalating. would going to your dms a be n option you could consider for your dcs safety?

Oh love this is exactly what I was worried would happen. He's developed from sobbing and begging, to asking DC disturbing questions and now to full on agression. You are normalising this because you have a plan that you're following and you feel partially in control as long as you follow that plan. I think its time to accept that the plan you had about staying in the house with this man is now redundant as the variables have changed. He is now an unknown quantity - you no longer know what limits he has if any.

You DC are not safe if he's bursting into your room shouting - DD will have heard that. She is going to be feeling scared. Doesnt matter if you normalise it, a child can't normalise because she knows that loud shouting is scary. You need to get her out of this situation. It is not safe.

I know Im being more blunt than other posters but I think its time that you need to be blunt with yourself. I think at a time when your world is changing you are putting out roots to the house and not wanting to leave because of the house. It cannot be a priority when you are in danger. You have to protect yourself and actually no solicitor thats any good would tell you to remain in a house where a violent and controlling man is coming in angry and agressive in the middle of the night. This is DV and they have to advise you to protect DC and yourself.

Pack a bag and go to your mums lovely. Just think how relieved you'd feel to be out of that house with him being so unpredictable. You must be so tense and so must DD. You could go and have a lovely Sunday dinner with DM. Just think about whats REALLY important in this situation. We're not scaremongering, we're all speaking from experience here and are worried for you and DD.

take care of yourself.