Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

Another break away from tradition .. im well aware that there are women who watch porn & like it, as well as men. But there are a number of people above who have also said that the vast majority of porn is aimed at men.

Back in the day, women were led to believe that sex was for re-production purposes, or something they were supposed to do to fulfil their husbands marital rights. Women these days are becoming more sexually liberated, it is accepted these days that women have sex for pleasure aswell. Another cliched divide among the sexes is that if a man sleeps around, he's considered 'a legend' by his friends, but if a woman does it, they are labelled a 'slag'... And before i get slated for that, it is not a view i agree with, but a view that is widely accepted by people with closed minds.

I agree that men are moulded into 'visual creatures' by society, being brought up around images of scantly clad women all over the place... And yes, i am aware that there is an increasing number of sexual images of men which are aimed at women... But still, the majority of it is aimed at men.... But society doesnt state that men should watch porn & enjoy it. They do this because they like it... That being said, not all men watch porn, and those who dont should not be labelled as a 'weirdo' or 'liar'.

People like what they like, for whatever reason.. just because a man has been raised in a society that exploits images of women, doesnt mean they have to like it. They are more visual, but theres a difference between ogling glamour models and watching/looking at porn. If they didnt like doing it, they wouldnt.

I am neither pro porn or anti porn.
I wouldnt be thrilled if i discovered my partner was viewing porn, but i wouldnt be devestated by it to the point where i would consider ending my relationship, and i wouldnt feel insecure about my relationship, or worry that he would cheat.

But thats how i feel personally. The op obviously feels differently, and that isnt wrong. How we feel about it, and our level of tolerence regarding porn varies depending on our own personal limits.

I know couples who use porn together as part of foreplay. I know other people who are highly offended by the idea of their other halves using porn. Nobodys view is right, and nobodys is wrong. They differ from person to person.

We still dont know if the ops husband actively lied about using porn, or wether he just failed to mention it to her. If he did lie, then they need to look into why. If i was in the ops situation, that would be my main concern.

No woman has a right to dictate what her husband is allowed to do, and vice versa. There are obvious boundries, such as staying faithful, and what is deemed 'cheating' again varies from person to person. But if the ops husbands behaviour upsets her that much, he needs to decide which he values more.. his porn or his wife.

Women these days are becoming more sexually liberated

Really? Is that what you call it? You only have to see this thread, to see that's not so.

If you aren't pro porn, or are confused, or upset. As the op was. You are frigid, prude, insecure, freaky, strange, boring. In need of an education, to snap out of it, wind your neck in, grow the fuck up. All from fellow women.....

There is no tolerance nowadays. Men are expected to watch porn. Women are expected to be the cool wife. Who shags along to porn, goes to lap dancing clubs. That's why there is an increased market. It's not cool to not like porn anymore. Like its not cool to have pubic hair. It's all subliminal messages.

I wouldn't say we've been liberated, at all.

Again you are talking as though i am including every woman on the planet. Im not. There are always exceptions.

But i do believe that we have become more liberated sexually, in the sense that we now have the freedom to talk about sex, have sex for fun or pleasure, have sex before marriage etc without it being frowned upon.

Dont get me wrong, there are some old fashioned types who will still frown upon it and deem it 'un-ladylike' behaviour. But its alot more widely accepted than it used to be.

You make no sense and have missed the point. I'm finding your posts contradictory.

You said. Women these days are becoming more sexually liberated

This thread is a PRIME example of it having gone the opposite way.

I'm not talking about the op. I'm talking about everyone else. We are actually being repressed by other women. You are abused nowadays for not being in the majority of a porn user, or being cool with it.

You've also highlighted how repressed we still are, by highlighting women are still seen as "slags" if they sleep around. I agree with that. Not so liberated are we?

Well i disagree.
Yes there are women on here who are slating the op for the way she feels. But there are also some who sympathise and agree with her. Which goes to show that not all women are conforming to the view that we should just accept a mans behaviour. Yourself included.

Me? As i said, im neither pro or anti porn.
I am open minded enough to accept that different people have different views & opinions on things, which is their right.

bangs head

Have you read the thread? I've been saying what you have in the last paragraph all thread. I never come out as pro or anti porn on purpose.

I will however defend ops rights to be upset without facing a load of abuse from "liberated" women. Trying to invalidate her feelings.

Yes, i know you have. I havent called you pro or anti porn. And i myself have also said that the op should not be ridiculed for feeling the way she does. There are many women who would feel the same, and also many who would wonder why it upset her so much. They all have a right to express their own opinions, as that is what the op has asked for.

Yes they do have that right. Without making her feel so shit. It's no wonder she never came back really is it? :(

Yeah i do agree that some of these comments are a bit harsh... Wouldnt surprise me if some of them were written by people who have never even been in the situation themselves... I wonder if some of these people did find themselves in this situation, whether they're opinions would change?

The trouble is, we live in a world where unfortunately, so many people are all too quick to judge.

At AnyFucker - surely doing something together rather than apart brings you closer together. Not surreptiously!

I had a similar experience this last week.. I am trying to understand the differences with men and women.. I think and feel and see, very differently then most men I have known . My imagination is far superior to those men in the past.. They then are limited to having to be spoon fed pictures . Now I totally get how this is a trust issue but only cos you don't understand and how do you trust something you don't understand.. As I said ..I speak from experience ... I think if you work through this you will find that unless your husband is treating you like an object and perving on all and sundry, rather than just the exceptional beautiful specimen of the female form.. then I think you 'll find it's your issue.. Men watch porn .. how much porn is the issue.. I don't want my man to watch porn but he does.. and he will lie about it if I corner him on it... I researched this exact issue cos I believe in EFFORT within a marriage.. I found out that it's a bit like females and shopping... you can look and look all day , but come home empty handed and not feel anything like sad or resentful or unfulfilled , we are happy with what we have but we still like to look !!!
I think if my husband told me I would still corner him . He just wants to do it fast without you.... not to offend you but to relieve stress ? boredom? anxiety? Or He may even be thinking about you ? but without the imagination he needs help to do what he needs to do, No guilt, no judgement,
Think about if you were "told" you can't go shop again!
I want to understand , I hope you do? Condemnation will serve to leave wrinkles and we don't need those !!
Maybe pictures of you with some sexy knickers? pop them on the computer?
I have always told my daughter ...effort ... Life is "not a happy ever after".... It's effort. Understanding takes loads and loads of that!
ps.. I hope I don't offend...I know I am A BIG MOUTH.

effort... understanding takes loads and loads of that

Yes it does. But if she DOES end up 'understanding', does that mean she will feel any better about her husband doing it?

There is a difference in making an effort and feeling like you should accept something out of duty.

Whether the op understands her husbands habit or not, if it is something that upsets her a great deal, then isnt her husband obliged to make the effort to stop? Or is she just expected to make the effort to accept it, even though she finds it upsetting? Marriage is supposed to be equal, therefore effort should be made on both sides. And no woman should ever be made to feel like they should accept something they are unhappy with.

without the imagination he needs help to do what he needs to do

This isn't true.

If it were true that would mean that, until moving pictures were invented men would have been unable to masturbate.

Romans, Greeks, Tudors, etc. Thousands and thousands of men throughout history, unable to masturbate unless there was an image of naked female genitals in front of them.

Even, today there are people living in remote areas all over world without access to TV or internet. I'm sure they are doing it too. Just by using their imagination.

Also, if he 'needs' to do it, as you put it, then he's ready and doesn't need porn to help him get there. I don't think you can classify porn as a 'need' unless perhaps he is addicted and then it wiould definately have a negative impact on his rl relationships.

I think and feel and see, very differently then most men I have known

This is a typical example of the conditioning that we were talking about upthread and you have passed this on to your daughter. You would not be happy, I am sure, if she worked in porn and men your husband's age were masturbating over her (literally as well as figuratively). But you do think it's ok for your dh to do that to other people's daughters. You have been conditioned to believe that male sexuality is somehow more important than the safety and wellbeing of women.

I am surprised some people on this thread think:

Wanking and watching porn are interchangeable terms. They are not.

That reading erotic fiction is the same as watching porn. It is not.

That all men watch porn. They don't.

Alice - I'm with you. It's insulting and a horrible, sly thing to do. I would also feel betrayed. (sorry I haven't read the whole thread just the first page, and I'm shocked by some women's easy acceptance of porn. Vile.)

Honey it is normal for men all ages and stages in there life to look at porn, try to clam down and think, he did not have an affair , has he not been a good and loyal husband to you , did you not say your sex life was good?, really all he was doing was looking it is allowed and to have fantasies , and it may just have helped him to keep faithful to you have you ever thought about it like that?. I feel sorry for you both but talk to him and talk again communication is everything.

I am going to encourage my husband to use porn, it will help him to stay faithful to me

Absolutely AnyFucker. Can't imagine how my DH has stayed faithful all these years without it. Almost like he's capable of rational thought, morals and impulse control! Thank goodness we have posts like the one above yours to educate us, don't you agree?

If a man doesn't watch a man come over a woman's face at least once a week he will spontaneously combust; fact.

As fairenuff said, we should feel sorry for all men in the past who could not access porn. They really did lead terrible deprived lives.

I think the web has normalised porn. When I was growing up I thought men who bought porn mags were part of the dirty mac brigade, sad, to be avoided at all costs, pitied even.

Now apparently it is 'normal' for men to view porn on a regular basis, but only since about 1996 IMO. Lads mags have a lot to answer for too.

It's a fact dontcha know.

That our life expectancy has increased with time. Due to the invention of the wank mag, porn channels and now the net.

Back in the day. Men really did die young all because of no adequate supply of porn.

Advances in medical technology, the discovery of antibiotics. Oh no it's because men are visual and now they've got endless porn innit.

Unfortunately I grew up with Internet and lads mag porn culture being "normal" and it very badly affected my views on what constituted a normal relationship. I learned men are all cheaters, to keep one you must not refuse any kind of sexual degradation required and without a man you are worthless, also "nice" men are "boring".

that is very sad, offred

you can reject those views though, we all can

they are not the sum of our parts

there is such a thing as free will and respect for yourself

if I had internalised all the messages I got from my upbringing, I would be one sad and sorry individual right now

when you demand respect from yourself, you command respect from others

innit