Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

What are your views on prostitution?

Ohhhhh I see where this is going. happy hooker myths.

You are confusing political arguments with insecurities again joona.

houseofplain ... Im not confusing political arguments with insecurites. I did agree with u earlier that nobody could tell op she is wrong for feeling the way she does, as different people have their own limits.
Other people have turned this thread into a political argument, by going into depth about the dark side of the porn industry.. when ops initial question had nothing to do with any of that.. she wanted advice on wether she could trust her husband, as she feared the fact he has been watching porn means he thinks there is something missing from their marriage.....

joona, it is clear you were waaaaay out of your depth as soon as you said your "men are from mars..." comments

statements like that have been excusing male shitty behaviour for generations and in this day and age it really shouldn't be in anybody's vocabulary

however, I do think you were trying to help the OP feel better about her husband's deceit around his porn use

it's just that it won't actually make her feel better if she has political and sociological objections to the porn industry, and isn't simply jealous of the slim and big-titted ladies who get paid to get spunked on by yukky men on camera (which is kinda what you are saying she, or anyone who doesn't like porn, is feeling)

I am completely secure in my body and my relationship. I have no fear he will find a willing RL hole to fuck if he doesn't scratch his itch with porn (because he is a man, and he has neeeeeds ...)

"At least it's only porn, he isn't doing it in real life"...that's what you said, joona. It isn't either/or...or at least I hope it isn't for you.

I really wish we could have an 'anti-porn' and a 'pro-porn' section on Relationships. Then we wouldn't have to go through the same old thing every single time.

The political side does have a relevance to how you feel about your husband and whether you can trust him, though. If I thought my DH had that kind of disdain for women that he might enjoy looking at girls who may be being abused in some way, then I would not be able to trust him the same. If he did not view women as equals then I would not trust him to treat me like an equal.

it is clear you were waaaaay out of your depth as soon as you said your "men are from mars..." comments

This.

anyfucker
If u read ops question, she herself states that she is worried its something she's done/not done: "is there something missing from my marriage or is it really common practice amongst men?"
"Am i married to a cheat & a deceiver?"

So in no way have i implied that i think its anything to do with jelousy or insecurity.. i have merely read exactly what she wrote.

Op hasnt asked "is my husband a sadist who gets turned on at the thought of abusing women".. she asked if it ment he is likely to decieve her, & whether its considered normal for a man to look at porn...
And in answer to ops question.. yes, veiwing porn IS common practice amongst men, regardless of whether w agree with it on a moral groud or not.. lots of them do it, thats a fact... and no, it doesnt mean he is not happy with your sex life... Unless of course, he is choosing to view porn rather than have sex with u.

joona, in case you didn't notice, the OP has not been back on her thread and hasn't been for some time

the thread has moved on (as they always do when the OP disappears) and people have taken the opportunity to counter your "men will be men...." excuses and rationalisations

I hope OP is still reading, because if she comes back we can get back on track and she can tell us what kind of support she needs

and joona, your kind of support may well be what she wants, and that is fair enough (but don't expect everyone to agree with you)

I am aware that the thread has moved on. My comment was in response to a previous comment posted by you, which said that i imply that anyone who is against their partner watching porn is jelous or insecure.
Nowhere throughout this thread have i said that.
The op herself has led me to believe thats how she feels, due to the wording of her question. Thats not to say that everyone who is against porn feels the same.

joona I understand what you are on about fwiw. You reply directly to the OP's emotions and HER ideas on it, don't know why people are so agressive. I'm against porn, but joona is not pro-it either, not is she happy that 'men will be men' - there is a logic in her method, and i can see that.

there has been no aggression on this thread

I work in a very male environment. I know that many of the guys watch porn, I hear them chatting and joking about it. Most of them do it when their partners are out of the house. Many of their partners are not aware as far as they know.

Why? Why don't they want their partners to know if it's a natural thing to do, or considered 'normal'?

I think getting over their DPs watching porn is something virtually all women have to do.

Yes, let's all just lie back and think of England If you don't like something your partner is doing then you discuss it. You don't have to accept it or 'get over' it.

I think after working in an all male environment myself you are absolutely right orange.. They are different at work from when you see them out with their partners .. it used to make me chuckle ..

Saw a lot of dvd's and mags changing hands and even got to reading the daily titty paper myself but only for the problem page y'understand

I think if you can possibly understand that its not a threat to you, or a signal of some underlying fuckwittery he's getting up to, if the porn is vanilla porn (1 on 1 normal adults ect) resist making any remarks as to why, if he watches that amount of porn he hasn't put any of the moves into practise .. maybe even try to accept it or sit down at some point, choose a normal one and have a look to see what it is thats so interesting, because imo from watching a fair bit myself all i got to see was close up bottom shots of bumgrapes totally offputting! .. maybe it won't be so frightening concerning whatever delete as appropriate.

Men are visual creatures, where we rely on feelings and emotions, they go by what they see a lot of the time. Who knows, it may open up a new chapter in your love life. As for him being ashamed and embarrassed, ashamed of keeping it secret maybe he should be, because IMO someone who can keep a secret from their partner is capable of lying or keeping other secrets and maybe this is what worries you.. he may feel 'dirty' or something along those lines for watching it or even uncomfortable about sex other than normal stuff, and therefore porn satisfies that curiosity though why on earth most people choose to hide it is beyond me, apart from the above reason. So is he a bit of a prude on his 'outside front' ?

'Men are visual creatures - we really on feelings and emotions'
Another myth.... My bingo card is full.

All those visually impaired men out there must have shit sex lives then.

Who decides what is visually stimulating?

Men ARE more visually stimulated than we are... They get more turned on by the sight of a naked woman than we do by the sight of a naked man, for us it takes a bit more than that, we need the mental stimulation too.
Of course that doesnt ring true for ALL men, but the majority.
Porn aside... Why do you think the majority of men like to watch films that involve car chases, explosions etc...
Where as women prefer drama or something with a good story behind it.

Wow. Talk about generalisations.

I did say that it doesnt apply to all men, there are exceptions, probably thousands of them. And i wouldnt say its a generalisation really, i bet if you were to conduct a poll the results would mirror what i said. Ask a man what his fave movie is, and more often than not, it will be an action film of some sort.

Poor simple men, eh? Slaves to their gender, every one.

Happily, the men I know don't conform to stereotypes like the ones above. They're individuals - as are the women I know.

Honestly, you'd think it was 1950 in here sometimes, with all the little women smiling indulgently at their men, while the men in question give way to their uncontrollable urges.

Anon It is a generally accepted truth though that women tend to be more turned on by thoughts and words, hence why so many women read 50SOG/erotic fiction and men just dont get it. Whereas the majority of "traditional" porn users are men.

There arent many women who would get all turned on by the sight of a naked penis, but there are a hell of alot of men who would get a stiffy from a womans naked genitals. Its just the way it is! I dont see why conceding the differences is a generalisation or offensive. One isnt better than the other, just different.

Just off on a tangent about whether men are more visually stimulated than women: Is it a natural difference or a difference cultivated from birth? Has society created a self fulfilling prophecy?

If girls were brought up with everything visual aimed at them (advertising etc) and boys were told they were more cerebral would it be different. Do women actually prefer literature or is that the only option open to them.

When I was studying the fetishisation of the image these were questions which arose. My opinion after research was that it really was nurture dictating this (and wholeheartedly encouraged by society) rather than nature.

Personally (and yes this is just anecdote) i DO get aroused by a naked penis, my DP does NOT get turned on by a naked fanjo. DP prefers textures etc and i am pure visual. However, i struggle with the ethics of pornography and i do not see my orgasm as trumping everything else. We get round it by taking our own pics etc.

I can't believe that someone suggested that because OP's DH has a secret he's bound to be able to deceive and cheat.... Unbelievable!
This must be Victorian times after all.
Having a secret garden is an entitlement every adult should be allowed to have. It is not because you are married that you are suddenly not allowed to have a secret garden or privacy, however you want to put it. If OP's DH is a good husband, which she implies, then let the poor buggar live a little. Political opinions on pornography or what stimulates men and women is deviating from the fact that a lot of women on this thread think it is absolutely acceptable to dictate to your husband what he is allowed to do (or not).
That is femisnism pushed along the wrong side of the fence. if we (women) do not want to be dictated what we do and how we live what right do we have to do it to the male gender?
This is not what my mother fought for 50 years ago!

babyboomersrock In no way have i said that i am defending men & their actions. I am merely pointing out a fact. I have not said that being male justifies or can be used as an excuse for behaviour that may upset their partner, nor that the partner should like it or lump it.

I have said however, that the reason more men are drawn to porn than women, is because they are more visualy stimulated than we are in the majority.

Why do you think magazines like 'FHM', 'NUTS' etc sell so well? They're full to the brim with scantily clad women. We cant even open a newspaper these days without a pair of naked breasts staring back at us.

And have you ever noticed that there is alot more female nudity in films than male? If it was for a reason, fair enough, but even 90% of the comedys make sure they find a way to throw in a boob shot or 2 .... Because for men, sex sells.

It might not be right on a moral ground, but wether we approve, accept or not...
Thats the way it is.

But is it Joona? Really. Or is it because the men are conditioned by visual stimulus from birth and women are conditioned not to? The reason all of the things are there as you say are because they can be. They are sanctioned by a male dominated media, directed at men, because traditionally men are the ones who have more money can dictate these things. It is more about power than visual/sexual stimuli.

I do not agree it is a fact. It may BECOME fact but i do not believe it is the natural order of things. Obviously just an opinion tho and there is plenty of evidence to support both sides.

Not explaining myself well - sorry - been up all night and my brain is blancmange.