Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

To people who wondered what I meant in my post; thought it was very clear tbh, gay porn, I'd assume he is gay and the marriage a sham, child porn, a filthy pervert. Shouldn't have put them in the same sentence. Think it was obvious in my comment exactly what it meant but if you're looking to project offense in everything....

Dear God, some of these posts about men being 'visual creatures' are just so....brainless and idiotic.

There are abosultely no 'facts' to support the myth that men-as-a-group are biologically programmed to respond more to visual stimulation, any more than there are 'facts' that women-as-a-group are born responding to written words and stories.

The porn industry, as well as being hugely exploitative of the individuals engaged in it, is also massively exploitative of people's stupidity and erroneous beliefs that men like sex more than women and cannot therefore be expected to control their urges to watch real people having sex.

There's a reason that more men watch porn than women and that most porn is produced for the male consumer, but it's got nothing at all to do with biology and everything to do with patriarchical attitudes to sex and especially female sexuality. Boys and men are raised to believe that sex is more important to them than it is to women and girls and women are raised to accept that and not question it. This is why there is also an expectation that most boys and men will use porn and that the women in their lives will indulge it, even if it offends their political beliefs, is damaging their sex lives or involves secretive behaviour as in the OP's case.

Anyone with half a brain can work out that this is just societal conditioning and that the myths that surround these 'differences' between male and female sexuality have no basis in fact. These myths though are extremely insulting to intelligent, imaginative men who politically object to porn and furthermore, have developed senses beyond their ability to see and hear and whose sexual repertoire and eroticism is more finely honed than the average porn hound.

I'm not in the least surprised the OP has retreated. I think she was entitled to expect some intelligent, thoughtful responses and not a braying crowd who've been brainwashed into thinking that anyone who objects to porn is sexually repressed or a victorian prude. I hope she's still lurking though and realises that not everyone has sleep-walked into believing the myths that have populated this thread - and has worked out why several posters felt the need to belittle her feelings and mock them.

That would be fear.

Great post Charbon

Anyone with half a brain can work out that this is just societal conditioning

Totally agree

So what you're saying is that most of the men who use porn, only use it because they've been raised to believe that sex is more important to them than it is to women, so they are doing what is expected of them???

..... Not because they want to get themselves off while looking at naked women in action then??

Well it's both really isn't it. They are considered more 'visual' because they have been surrounded by visual stimuli therefore when there sexuality develops the visual aspect is so easily accessible therefore becomes intertwined into their make up. Therefore they do genuinely become more visually stimulated (they aren't pretending!) but it has been created and encouraged rather than naturally more prevalent in their original psyche than in women.

Look, it's the same as the socialisation that women are subjected to about housework, home-making and child-rearing. None of us were born with an innate ability to clean ovens, wash and iron clothes and look after young children. Just as boys and men are not born with an innate ability to fix cars and mow lawns. But if society expects you to do these things and to be good at them just because you're a man or a woman, you either live up to that expectation or you question it and find out what actually interests you in life, developing your skills accordingly.

It's actually a very repressive society for men and women who confound sexual stereotypes. A terrible pressure for young boys to watch porn and learn about sex from those grossly distorted and frequently abusive images - and ridiculous peer pressure if they say 'no' to it. Just as there is pressure on young girls and women to 'join with the programme' and disassociate themselves from the real women who are often getting injured by the porn they and their male partners profess to enjoy.

This is why the 'insecurity' myth is so pernicious. It actually takes a very secure and strong character to call bullshit on all this and question the way that society has been shaped.

I agree with that spuddybean. Maybe men ARE more responsive to visual stimuli because they've been brought up around it ... But regardless of the reasons surrounding it, they ARE more drawn to visual images than we are in the majority.

Hear hear Charbon. It's very useful too, for the stereotypical roles to be so clearly defined and roundly accepted and adhered to. Useful to those people/organisations/political parties/belief systems etc etc, who want to prop up the system as it is and don't want it challenged. Woe betide that teenage boy or girl who doesn't conform to the usual shite shovelled at them continuously, they are in for a rough ride

And charbon , while i agree with some of the points you make, i dont agree with them all.

For one, i have not stated that i think men are "biologically programmed" to be more responsive to visual stimuli.. i said it is a widely believed fact that they ARE more visually stimulated than we are. I made no mention of them being bioloically programmed to be that way. All you did was give reason for it, which i agree with 100% .. i DO think they are more visually responsive because they are brought up in a society that surrounds them with this expectation.

However, i dont agree that they watch porn simply because society expects them to... As you said, there is probably a tremendous amount of peer pressure as a teenager to be 'one of the lads' and give it a go, i do agree with that point. But in adulthood, i dont think a man watches porn because of peer pressure, or because he is expected to... I think that if they continue to watch it, on a regular basis, alone & in the comfort of their own homes, its because they like it, and they want to... Because the visuals turn them on.

You said that women are raised with the expectation to cook and clean, which is also true. But more and more women are going against that expectation and going out, having successful careers while the other half takes on the 'womans role'.
However, there are some that do enjoy being domestic, and quite happily do so.

The point im making is that people in this day and age dont do things simply because society expects them to. They do it because they want to. Because they enjoy it, for whatever reason.. or because they need to.

Maybe i need to word things a bit better to get my point across correctly.

In future though i would appreciate if you would kindly refrain from labelling my opinions (and the opinions of some others) as "brainless & idiotic" simply because they may differ from your own.

If you will start discussing FSOG and spouting nonsense. Such as women are from Venus, men are from mars.

Whilst talking in txt speak. It does look like you are missing the point somewhat.

houseofplain with all due respect, this thread enables us to share our opinions and use comparisons and examples. Which is what i have done. If you disagree with the things i have said, thats fine. Nobody says you have to agree. These are MY opinions, and you have yours. Neither are right or wrong. Just different.

And as for my 'men are from mars' comment earlier.. i feel that has been backed up by others who say men have been raised in a society which expects them to see sex differently to us.

However, In no part of this thread have a suggested that that i think it is an acceptable excuse to use in order to justify behaviour that upsets a partner.

i said it is a widely believed fact that they ARE more visually stimulated than we are.

It's not a 'fact' though. There is no evidence to support it, therefore it is not a 'fact'. Myths on the other hand are widely believed, especially if it suits the group in power for people to believe them. It's especially helpful if those with less power believe it too, because that serves to maintain the status quo and the power balance.

Hence you get women turning a blind eye to the abuse of other women in the porn industry and mocking other women whose relationships and sense of wellbeing are being damaged by its existence. These are women who prop up the most common myths about porn; that men are 'visual creatures' (as opposed to being fully sentient human beings and possessed of an imagination) and are therefore utterly incapable of masturbating without it, that any woman who objects to it is sexually repressed and any man who similarly objects is either a weirdo or a liar.

Bearing in mind that the people making the most money from porn are the men who produce it, who benefits most from these myths do you think? Men-as-a-group or women-as-a-group?

The point im making is that people in this day and age dont do things simply because society expects them to. They do it because they want to. Because they enjoy it, for whatever reason.. or because they need to.

I'm sorry but no. You only have to look at statistics of housework sharing to find that in households where there are children and the parents work equal hours the bulk of domestic work is done by the women.

Is it because they chose to work full time and get home from work and do nice relaxing domestic chores while their husband settles down with TV and a beer?
It is because when children are born a lot of couple revert to traditional gender roles as seen through their parents/grandparents.
Read 'Wifework'- it's rather enlightening.

Read through dozens of posts on this site and you will find many instances of women complaining that their husband doesn't help around the house or doesn't do nappies, or doesn't do food etc. Funnily enough it doesn't seem to happy the other way round.

As for women not being visual. Mm. Why do you think there are so many shirtless men on Merlin?

I understand that you are hurt by his secret keeping but i think you need to look at the bigger picture - this is not a devastating change your life thing here. I really expected you to say a huge 8 year secret was a love child or affair etc. I think you need to stop focussing on the looking at porn aspect and concentrate more on the trust and why he felt this was such a shameful thing he couldn't tell you, when in the grand scheme of things - looking at 'normal' porn on occasion is not anything to be ashamed of?
What are your personal views on porn? Why would he be afraid he does something most men do?

The problem is. If you start coming out with myths. If you start lumping a whole group of people together. If you start comparing fictional porn to real life porn.

You will get people questioning you. Especially when you are so keen on using the word fact.

Political opinions on pornography or what stimulates men and women is deviating from the fact that a lot of women on this thread think it is absolutely acceptable to dictate to your husband what he is allowed to do (or not)

I think you may have missed the point here. I know that my dh feels the same way I do about porn. We have discussed it. I would not want to be with a man who thought watching women being abused was 'entertainment'. He knows this and we are on the same page regarding porn and LDCs etc.

Therefore, if I discovered that he had, in fact, been secretly watching porn I would question his honesty. I would not for one moment expect him to just do what I want. I would not dictate to him what he is allowed to do. But I would not want to be with a man who lied about his ethics and, in fact, supported the porn industry.

So, for some people, it would mean a big change in their relationship and possibly a deal breaker.

The point im making is that people in this day and age dont do things simply because society expects them to

On the contrary, people absolutely do behave as society expects them to. It's the 'nuture' part of the nature-versus-nurture debate. All of our behaviours and beliefs are shaped and influenced by our experiences and expectations of society.

Yes anonacfr i do agree with that. The majority of the traditional female roles are still carried out by the female. But there are exceptions.

The point i was trying to get across, was that i dont think men watch porn simply because society pressures them to do so.

That may be why they first dabble with it as a teenager, then again it could just be out of curiosity. Everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do, and these reasons are not always considered acceptable by others.

But do you really think a grown man with his own mind, responsible for his own actions, would settle down with a porn dvd while his partner was out of the way if he didnt like watching it?

So one minute you're saying in this day and age people (regardless of gender) do things because they want to but there are still traditional roles and they are still fulfilled by the appropriate gender?

In some cases yes, but not all. As i said, there are exceptions. This is not the 1800's. These days you do get a percentage of stay at home dad's, house husbands ... The man is not ALWAYS the bread winner within the family unit. There is still the 'traditional' male/female cliche on most roles, but although most people probably do adhere to tradition, not everyone does.

And just because its considered 'normal behaviour' for a man to watch porn, i dont believe that is why they do it.. i believe it is an excuse they use to deem it acceptable.
I believe they watch it because they want to watch it.

How do you explain the fact that there is a booming porn market aimed at women by the way?

You say you have a good sex life, so why don't you drink some wine, watch some porn together and see if you like it. Occasionally...

I'm saying it in a nice way. Don't let it ruin you, let it bring you closer. Maybe he feels he couldn't be open with you, so show him you are open to trying new things. Just a thought.

porn to bring couples closer

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