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Original poster

Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

349 replies

Alicetravellingviawonderland · 03/09/2012 16:59

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

OP posts:
joona · 05/09/2012 17:27

AnyFucker
If u read my previous posts, you will notice that i mentioned child porn.. this includes anyone under the age of consent.
I agree that there is some porn out there which is extremely disturbing, and anyone who watches that kind of stuff is not worthy of being called a human being.
But its not all like that, if its just normal, main stream porn i dont see a problem with it.

TwentyOneAlways · 05/09/2012 17:28

It's porn ..... Not an affair Wink
He doesn't sound addicted and I think you need to educate yourself in why he watches it. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, my fella watches it too and our sex life is fab!

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 17:35

But how do you know it's "normal" joona ?

How do you know that housewife with her legs spread wasn't uploaded to YouPorn by an abusive partner ? How do you know whether she has properly consented ? How do you know that girl sucking a dozen cocks one after the another isn't doing it for her next fix ?

How do you know that those "18yo nymphos" (a popular search on "normal, mainstream" porn available at the click of one button) are not really 15yo ?

The answer ? You don't. But if your orgasm trumps any little quibbles about what might be actually behind that "normal, mainstream" porn, then I guess one wouldn't like to think too deeply about that.

joona · 05/09/2012 17:37

And AnyFucker
I did say FSOG is a best seller, but not because im trying to portray it as a good thing... Simply as an example that women have fantasies too. Having read that book through sheer curiosity i can safley say it is not to my taste, but thousands of other women will disagree...

I know its only fiction, but the first book in that series is extremely degrading to women.. yet so many still love it.
Probably the same women who are unhappy about their partners watching porn because thats degrading..
And as i said, some of it is, but not all of it.

joona · 05/09/2012 17:42

I could return your question AnyFucker, and ask why you are under the impression that anyone who stars in a porn movie is being forced into it for one reason or another?

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 17:45

Your turn around question doesn't work, joona

Because, for me, just one person who had been coerced for my viewing pleasure would be one person too many.

So unless I could be sure that no people, not one, not ever had been abused on camera to enhance my orgasm, then I will condemn it and judge people who blithely use pornography without actually thinking about what they are doing

There are lots of ways to get sexual pleasure without taking the risk, IMO

joona · 05/09/2012 17:53

What about the kind where the actresses choose to go to castings/auditions, and get paid £300 for an hours work?

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 18:01

What about it ?

How do you know which of those women are truly making a choice for themselves and not one for an abusive partner ? What about men who "star" in porn ? A dream job ? I don't think so.

The fact remains, you cannot know by just looking at what is on the screen. You take the risk someone is being abused for you to wank over when you use porn.

Some porn may be less "risky" in that respect, but supporting the sex industry supports all of it, IMO. And that includes the lowest common denominator. Because for every "£300 an hour choicey porn starlet" there are countless others getting damaged physically, mentally and emotionally in an industry that objectifies women and reams up more and more ways to hurt and humiliate them with every year that passes.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 18:01

dreams

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 18:15

Men look at porn, and most of the female population have read fifty shades lol, not much difference really, we all have fantasies... Its better that he's looking at it than going out and actually doing it isnt it?

That's was you wasn't it? Joona?

CakeMeIAmYours · 05/09/2012 18:15

Like it or not, Humans are multi-faceted creatures: there will always be a darker, unpalatable side to our natures. This includes our sexuality.

Personally, porn leaves me cold (mainly for the reasons AF states) but it is a part of a lot of people's lives. What can you do? Single-handedly change the nature of the human psyche? Even if you could, I'm not convinced that there would be a net gain to the world.

joona · 05/09/2012 18:39

This whole thread has been taken out of context. Ops initial worry was wether the fact her husband has been watching porn means he has been decieiving her.. can she trust him, does it mean he is bored of their sex life, will he be tempted to cheat etc...
I used fifty shades as an example to show that lots of women also use this as a type of porn... It is porn with no pictures but the mental aspect of it is the same.. living out a fantasy u wouldnt neccesarily indulge in.
The fact her husband watches porn doesnt mean it will obviously lead to him cheating.. many happy couples with healthy sex lives use porn as part of foreplay. If a man is going to cheat, they dont need porn to make them do it.
If a woman reads fifty shades & enjoys it, does that automatically mean she will go out and find someone to dominate her? No.

DrHolmes · 05/09/2012 18:43

Complete over reaction. No wonder he didn't tell you! Stop making an issue out of it. WHy don't you watch some too? Or even with him? It's not like guys come out and say "i watched porn today" it's just expected! Get over it.

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 18:52

Fifty shades isn't about domination. He's not a dom. He's abusive. Just wanted to clarify. If that's porn. Then I must be pure filth as its not in the slightest sexually stimulating.

See grouping genders together with far reaching comments, like most do this x, most do that x. It's not that simple. A lot of people I know who read fsog. Are sheeple. Who admit to having a bit of a dud sex life. Or aren't with the greatest partners. So think the lead is great. Not to mention those who just don't want to go against the grain. With the press another women saying. Everyone is reading it and it's amazing.

It's also amazing that you'd suggest it's better for a man to do something you aren't happy with, or risk him cheating.

Ops uncomfortable. That is allowed she is allowed to prrocess her feelings. You can't just tell someone to suck up behaviour they find unacceptable to stop their dhs from cheating. Where would you draw the line?

joona · 05/09/2012 18:58

Im not trying to tell her she should suck up his behaviour. Nor am i saying she is wrong for feeling uncomfortable about it. Different people have different limits, she knows what hers are.
She asked for opinions, which is what i have given. Nobody says she has to agree.

CakeMeIAmYours · 05/09/2012 19:01

You can't just tell someone to suck up behaviour they find unacceptable

Hmm, to a certain extent, but neither should you try to change another adult's behaviour just because you find it unacceptable.

There does come a point at which you do have to either suck it up or get your coat.

Too much misery is caused (on both sides) by attempts to change behaviours in others.

joona · 05/09/2012 19:03

Re he's not a dom. He's abusive
Whatever he is, millions of women get off on reading this book (although im not one of them) .. but does that mean that they want to be abused as u put it?
If a man watches porn, does that mean he's bored with his sex life and wants to sleep with somebody else?
The answer to both of these questions is no.

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 19:06

Well exactly. You have an adult discussion. Find out where your boundaries are. If they aren't compatible. Then that's it really isn't it?

But if op feels the way she does, then that's her feelings. It's her reaction. Is valid to her. Yelling at her to snap out of it, get over it, educate herself, move on. Isn't any good for her. She needs to process why she feels the way she does first.

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 19:10

You were singing the praises of fsog earlier joona Hmm.

You are getting yourself into waters here, I don't think you understand. There is a huge difference between a fictional book and porn with real people.

Now then. I think you've fallen prey to a common misconception. That those who have an issue with porn. Are some how insecure, worried about their dps fantasising. In which case. I see your comparision. I've never said anything about my views on it fwiw. I deliberately stay neutral.

However the people you are talking to aren't nay saying about porn in that context. It's in a political context. So your point is meaningless.

joona · 05/09/2012 19:13

I agree with your last comment entirely.
Each to their own as i said earlier.
I personally dont mind if my fella looks at porn.. as long as it isnt anything illegal, and it doesnt replace his sex life with me..

But If op finds her husbands behaviour unacceptable to the point she is considering throwing away her marriage, he has to decide what he values more.. his porn or his wife.
If porn is the answer, then clearly she is right to have been worried, as his interest is unhealthy if it takes priority over his marriage.

Fairenuff · 05/09/2012 19:15

if its just normal, main stream porn i dont see a problem with it

Next time you watch normal mainstream porn see if you can tell whether the women in it have been trafficked. Or whether they are handing the money over to their pimps. Or whether their abusive husband is 'minding' the children until she finishes work and brings home the pay.

Look really carefully and see if you can spot which women are those and which are not.

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 19:16

Bingo.

She can't force him to not watch porn. He's a human with choices. However now he knows it upsets her so much. They need to look at why and where each side is coming from.

joona · 05/09/2012 19:43

I wasnt singing the praises of fsog.. iv read it, it isnt to my taste.. i merely said thousands of women DO like it which is why so much hype surrounds the book. Some women love it to the point they become obsessed, and some of these women think thats ok for them to do, yet complain about their husbands watching porn... In which case, shouldnt the husbands also have a problem with them fantasisng over this book?
I agree that some porn is disturbing, and you are right, you cant tell which ones are being forced to do it.. but if the majority of these women are being abused, shouldnt all porn be made illegal??

joona · 05/09/2012 19:47

I think the saying "men are from mars, women are from venus" is spot on.
Some men are very insensitive to the feelings of their partner, and in many cases cant understand why actions such as watching porn would upset their partners.. at the same time, many women cant see why their partner would see it as harmless.

Fairenuff · 05/09/2012 19:54

if the majority of these women are being abused, shouldnt all porn be made illegal??

And if it's just a minority of women being abused, what then?

If it's only, say 10% (which would still be hundreds of women), we can all enjoy viewing porn with a clear conscience? I don't think I could.

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