Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

However, i often fantasise about women ... so don't see why my DP can't fantasise about men etc

I'm glad you mentioned that, Spuddy. I enjoy female fantasies too and was curious as to why it was said above that a man watching gay porn wouldn't bode well for the marriage? Why not?

Everyone on this thread advocating porn needs to do their research. It's a fucking disgusting industry.

What could come next? Little bit of dirty chat, webcams, meeting a stranger, prostitutes... It does happen, in real life. Fact. Not all the time, but it DOES. The op is right to react, to question, to make her DH think about how his actions affect HER. This is NEW to HER and her reaction is valid FOR HER.

But, think about it? Using a stranger off the internet to get a cheap thrill and have a wank??? EWWW!!!!!!!!!

OH my!

This is in my opinion a huge over reaction.

Your poor DH being made to feel so guilty for something that almost all men and a lot of women do.

Men are very visually stimulated and they are bought up into a culture where porn mags, dvd's, internet etc is the norm.

I do not care one bit if my DH looks at porn - I don't even mind watching it together. I also don't mind if he checks out other women or goes to lap dancing clubs - which he doesn't before you all tell me he's a pig.

When it was his stag do I got told by the best man where they were taking him (famous lap dancing / strip club) - I gave them £50 and told them to treat him to some dances.

I don't care. I'm not insecure, my husband loves me, I love him. I wouldn't expect him to be pissed off that I went to see the dream boys on a hen do!

You need to ask why are you so hurt by all this? I understand the secrecy thing but is that just a cover up for you being upset he's looking at porn?

Does it REALLY matter?

Oh crikey. Wanking over the sight of a stranger is not inherently EWWW. Lovey dovey partnered sexuality is not the only valid kind. The porn industry can be horrendous, but IF you can find some ethically produced porn, there is nothing dreadful about getting off on it. I know what my husband jerks off to and am happy with it. He doesn't know what I jerk off to because it's extremely personal and I don't feel comfortable sharing it. I have no problem keeping it secret from him because everyone deserves a little privacy.

Not every porn user is addicted. Not every porn user will end up seeing prostitutes. Not everything is a gateway into doom, abuse, relationship breakdown and STDs. Yes, it happens. People get addicted to alcohol, too, but in the absence of any reason to fear he's got an alcohol problem, I don't require my husband to tell me every time he has a beer.

I don't understand why so many posters are telling the op she is wrong because she has a different opinion to them. Porn watching is a personal decision. Some will love it, some will hate it and some will be indifferent.

But the op has already said how she feels. Why try to change her feelings, when they are natural to her?

Just because you are ok with your dh watching porn, doesn't mean that everyone is, and vice versa.

OP did ask, what's normal, what's acceptable and I think the only answer to that is that it depends on each individual's personal boundaries.

Alice I suggest you have a good think about what exactly it is that you think upsets you and talk to your dh about it as much as you feel you need to. Also, listen to his opnions and see where you can both agree to take it from there.

It might also help to do a little research into the porn industry and share what you find him. He might completely change his mind if he knew how many vulnerable women are exploited.

I would be less able to 'deal with it' if my dh was watching much of what is deemed 'mainstream' porn, with its mass abuse of (primarily) women, than I would to find out he was having a physical affair. I hate hate hate the portrayal of women in mainstream porn, the casual portrayal of violent and degrading acts.

I know disliking porn marks one out as a dangerous radical, but there you go, that's me.

Looking at porn is very common among men.. they're different to us women. They are more visually turned on where as for us, its more mental.
It doesnt mean he loves u any less, maybe he's just curious after 21 years of marriage.
Men look at porn, and most of the female population have read fifty shades lol, not much difference really, we all have fantasies... Its better that he's looking at it than going out and actually doing it isnt it?
Maybe he kept it a secret coz he was worried about how you would react.. why dont u look at some together? U might surprise urself and enjoy it, watching porn together boosts alot of sex lifes that have gone stale.
As long as it isnt an addiction, and he isnt choosing to watch porn over making love to u, i dont think u have anything to worry about

I think it shows you have empathy littleblue

and most of the female population have read fifty shades lol

Shit wasn't it? That's not a thing to shout about you know. That so many women are finding such an unerotic read about a dysfunctional relationship. Sexually exciting or a good read.

OP how are things now, are you ok ? Have you talked with your husband ?

I would like to say though, I haven't and will never, read 50 Shades, just for the record

HouseOfPain
There are lots of women that didnt like fifty shades, but probably twice as many who did. It didnt become such a massive seller for nothing.
Many women idolise the fictional character christian grey, we all have fantasies and we live them out through books, movies, porn etc... It doesnt neccesarily mean its something we would enjoy in reality though.

I read it. I wish I hadn't. I threw it in the bin afterwards.

I read them.

I enjoyed some of the sex parts that was written but the rest was not well written, i found the female character annoying and although Christian did sound unrealistically hot that is not a man that i would fantasise over or in real life go any where near!

Not necessarily bcoz of the kiny fuckery (although to hard core for me) but because off the over the top, controlling craziness.

With all due respect. If could pick out the people who liked them.

By their postings.

Grown women are littering their posts with Americanisms such as oh my and txt spk.

The women who liked FSOG are often to be found making FB status updates about how they are "going off to bed with Mr Gray"

Spare us, please.

It is also a myth that the women who object to porn, LDC's and strip joints are "insecure"

Quite the opposite, IME

I read all 3 of the fifty shades books out of curiosity, i wanted to see if they lived up to the hype.
For me personally, they didnt. But ALOT of women must have this s&m/bondage/submissive fantasy, otherwise the book wouldnt be selling at the rate it is, and the hype surrounding it would be non existent

It is also true that there are a lot of copies of FSOG going for 50p in charity shops

That book isn't accurate to those fetishes at ALL. It is dangerous actually to suggest it is.

Regardless of what its going for, its still a massive seller. Millions of women have read it & loved it. But that doesnt mean its something they would partcipate in themselves. Reading books, watching porn etc.. its a safe way to live out fantasies.
As long as it isnt child porn or beastiality, rape etc... I dont see any harm in it.
Its a case of each to their own.

If SGB says the book is shit, unrealistic and actually nothing to do with the true S+M experience then I am going along with her. She knows about these things !

OP if you are there, give us a shout, love. The conversation is moving on as often happens when the OP does a disappearing act.

"Mummy don't torture me any more" (with myriad variations on a theme) and other such MiseryLit are also best sellers

'nuff said

Yes. But people dont read those kind of books to live out a sexual fantasy. And if they do, they clearly have issues.

Joona, and you are 100% certain are you that the porn you and your partner enjoy doesn't use underage workers and no-one is coerced in any way at all ?

You said that fsog was top of the best seller list as if that implied something good. I disagree and have illustrated why. I would also add that the so-called autobiographies of people like Kerry Katona/Katie Price top bestseller lists too. Which further strengthens my point.

Hijacking this thread to say hi to AnyFucker !! Hiiiiiii hun.. :D How the devil are ya!

And OP.. the worst thing about IPorn is the crap it dumps on your computer. Ban him from using it especially if its a family one and get him to buy dvd's or mags .. if it upsets you greatly then he best learn how to keep them in his own little place .. sorry that its upset you so much, i'm one of the 'if its 'normal' as in age of participants ect, i don't mind and will actually watch it myself too, anything else i won't allow, and yes i know my 15 year old DS has been subjected to it and while i didn't fly off the handle i did say not on the family pc.