27, Male and no sex drive. Help?

[RTW1985]

Ok. Prepare for a long, rambling post.

I'll come out and say it: I'm a 27 year old bloke and I have completely lost my sex-drive.

I've been with my partner (the same age as me) for 7 years. We've lived together 5. We're not married and we don't have children (nor do we intend to).

I've never had a high sex drive. I had a couple of sexual partners before my current partner and being quite young, we'd often have sex every time we met up. When I met my current partner, we lived in different cities and would usually meet up once or twice a week, stay together for two nights and have sex several times in the week.

When we moved in together, things became slower (this also coincided with both of us finishing University and also starting full-time work and evening study), but we'd have sex at least once a week.

In the last couple of years, our sex life has slowed right down insofar as it is almost non-existent. We average sex about once every three months although do other sexual things occasionally. It can often go a month or six weeks without any sexual contact.

I've never really considered it a big deal; it's something we openly talk about and she claims to have a low sex drive too. Although it isn't a big deal at all, it has almost become one (for me, at least) as I've realised it is probably quite abnormal and to me it's become somewhat an elephant in the room.

I've read a few posts, looked at a few websites and talked to a few friends. Most of my (coupled) friends have reported a slowdown in their late 20s, especially after being with the same partner for a few years. However, none of them have slowed down to our extent - most still have sex one a week or so!

I should say I have never cheated on my partner and nor would I ever do so. I'm 99% sure she has not cheated on me.

Neither of us is unduly stressed. We both have good jobs and earn excellent money which, when combined with no kids means a huge disposable income - more than we know what to do with. Every month plenty gets chucked into savings and we've built quite a nest egg - no money worries at all. We enjoy a good life, we go out, socialise, have plenty of friends each, and enjoy exotic holidays.

There is plenty of love. We cuddle, we kiss, bath togehter by candlelight, we tell each other every day that we love each other. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend and I truly love her.

In fact, apart from the no sex thing, we're a perfectly normal couple!

So, what is causing my (or our?) lack of sex drive? I've read several advice websites, and my causes seem to be:

1. I work 55-60 hour weeks, over 6 days. I'm young, I can take it. I don't feel particularly tired although I often do lack energy in the evenings and weekends.

1. Because of the above, I'm out of the house by 7.30am and don't return until 7.30pm; she is out from 6.30am to 7pm. By the time we're back home, we're ravenously hungry (for food, sadly!) so by the time we've cooked and eaten it's always nearly 9pm. By that point I'm either too tired to even contemplate sex (the thought just tires me out!).

She has to be up very early, so no morning sex!

However, even on holiday, or if we manage to have a day or week off together, we rarely have sex.

1. I do watch some porn. Not as much as I used to (I don't have time!), but I still have the usual male urges and a quick one off the wrist before work is a lot quicker and easier than a sex session. She knows I masturbate, I know she does... it's not a problem and we're completely honest with each other!

1. I still find my girlfriend pretty, but I won't deny that I am sexually attracted to other girls and often meet other girls that I find (physically) more attractive. I'd never, ever, do anything about it, but I without being too blunt from a purely sexual point of view I know sexier, slimmer girls. If I'm out with friends I'm often approached by 'sexier' girls and if I were single I'd have no hesitation about sleeping with them. That urge is still there, then!

So, what can be done to reignite it? I'm looking for some frank advice. As we don't have kids, we don't need to 'get away', as we've tried that and the above applies even if we're on holiday.

Apart from the sex, we have a great and very close, loving relationship. I don't want to throw it all away as the no sex has not really been a big deal until very recently, when I've realised it is probably something that needs addressing in some way.

Appreciate any advice :)

Is it a big deal? It sounds like you're both quite content and it's only by comparing yourself to other people that you've decided there's something 'wrong'.

Lacking energy in the evenings is being tired, it's probably the definition.

Having a wank before work may be easier than having sex, but makes you less likely to bother initiating sex as you've already scratched that itch. You've got to stop being so lazy about it if you want to have a better sex life.

You don't have a low sex drive if you recognise the 'urge' when you're with others and regard masturbation as quick and easy. What's missing is that you don't get aroused by your partner and, from what you describe, she doesn't get all that aroused by you. I think the fact that you're bothered enough about it to write it down here means it's a problem for you at least. Have you considered that best friends may be all you really are to each other and that the passion has simply fizzled out?

dequoisagitil - You're right, we are very content and the only reason I write this (and perhaps consider it an issue) is that I feel everyone else my age is having lots of regular sex! It is almost because it doesn't feel a big issue that I'm starting to wonder if it really is.. if that makes sense.

CogitoErgo - You're probably right with regard to the sex drive, it is just that I think we've become so content with each other sex just isn't that exciting any more. When we do have sex it is great, but there is nothing new. The thought of sex (with her) isn?t a massive turn on like it used to be. The thought of sex with others is a lot more exciting, only because it would be a new experience - but I'm sure I'd become the same with someone else after the honeymoon period.

We are best friends, but definitely more than that. There is a great deal of love and intimacy, just not a lot of passion and sex.

Even when you're content with someone, sex shouldn't be so dull that you don't bother, even on holiday. Are you 100% sure she's not saying 'I'm fine with it' just to keep you happy? And I'm sorry but, if you've only been with one person since age 20 and if the thought of sex with someone else is more exciting, there will probably come a day when your curiosity gets the better of you.

You are falling out of love, you are stopping beung a "couple" to be just "best friends". The terms are not mutually exclusive but I would say that the fact you are starting to feel attracted to other people, have so little sex, and that you are writing about this in here, makes me think that it won't be long before your relationship passes from a pleasant lovely one to one full of frustrations.

Once the spark dies, it's almost impossible to reignite it, so don't wait until you cannot even feel comfortable with kissing each other, by ghen is too late, act now. Relate?

Because remember, the only difference between being good, wonderful best friends even and being a couple is the sexual attraction that binds you together.

There are a zillion things you can do with someone to spice up your sex life, it simply requires imagination and putting the effort in.

But if you just want to fuck someone else, then you either need to open up the relationship (by mutual agreement) or leave the relationship.

Cogito - Sorry, I probably haven't explained it well. The sex, when it comes, is certainly not dull. In fact, it is great! There is always the realisation when we do it "hey this is great, why don't we do it more often". Unfortunately we then get back into the usual cycle until the next time!

I would never have an affair with someone else. I have (and had) plenty of opportunity to do so but I simply couldn't do this. At the very start of our relationship my girlfriend thought I was having an affair with a good female friend of mine. She was so devastated by the thought that I could never cause her that level of pain and upset to her, ever.

I've come on here, anonymously, and been completely honest as I'd like to try and resolve the lack of sex, be it a problem or not for my girlfriend's sake if not my own. I don't really need to be second guessed on what I write!

I'm in total agreement with cogito. For example, I'm 29 (so not much older than you, OP) and we've been together since I was 17. I still fancy the pants off him; we have 2 children together (3.6yo and 4mo) and although tiredness/family situations sometimes get the better of us, sex isnt something that has fallen by the wayside. He is my best friend and I'm still utterly in love with and sexually attracted to him. There is familiarity, but sex is the opposite of boring. Frequency hasn't diminished - however I'll admit that it has ebbed and flowed in the 12 years we've been together. That's natural in a LTR, I think. To be bored or unexcited by your partner isnt. It's why I agree with cogito that it sounds like the 'spark' in your relationship has sadly fizzled out.

You're not with your GF because of your joint income, are you?

""hey this is great, why don't we do it more often".

So do it more often, make more time and put in some effort. But, if 'the thought of sex (with her) isn't a massive turn-on' that is pretty fundamental. As said up-thread, the only thing that distinguishes a couple from platonic friends is that there is a sexual spark. Use it or lose it.

Also, you said something about 'slimmer, sexier girls': this suggests that her physicality has changed. Has it?

Who usually initiates sex? Have you tried to initiate it lately?

Another thought: as you've got a few bob spare, why don't you nip along to Ann Summers or somewhere and buy your GF a few sexy surprises? Underwear? Perfume? Stockings? Some novelty bits and pieces e.g various lubes, etc?

Go to Paris; Amsterdam; Rome!

Watch porn together!

Masturbate together!

Talk to eachother!

My first thought is Stop watching porn/masturbating on your own. I don't think there's anything wrong with it generally (I know opinions vary massively on that topic but I don't think this is the thread for it) especially if it's not that often, but if you then don't want sex with the woman you love, then... well, it is a problem, isn't it?

60hrs a week doesn't sound healthy long term TBH but that is just my opinion. Eating so late is also not that great, it can leave you feeling more sluggish - could you perhaps cook in bulk on the weekends or get easier stuff to eat? Maybe if you could eat as soon as you got in you would then have more of an evening (whether you used it for sex or not!)

Do you go out much with other people, either together or separately? Do you have other hobbies, go to the gym? It sounds like maybe you're in a rut... you work long hours all week, then come home, eat dinner and go to bed. I think you need to shake up the routine a bit. Spend a bit more time apart so you can miss each other (or not, and then you know there's more of an issue).

As someone else suggested, plan some weekends away. See other friends. You have become too comfortable with each other, which is not exciting. It sounds like you really love each other and want to stay in this relationship, but you've reached a point where you need to put some work in. Change your perspective on each other by changing your routine.

Hi,

Go and get your testosterone levels checked.

When you watch porn do you wank to completion, and how many times a week/month.

That you respond better to strangers more in RL and porn could mean it is emotional and you might not be comfortable with intimacy/true closeness.

Is your gf happy with the situation? Really? Check with her what her ideal would be. Is she also sure she does't want children?

Basically this takes communication. If she is happy with the boat, don't rock it is what I would say.

"If she's happy with the boat, don't rock it."

It sounds like this relationship is in need of a good shake to me. It's a matter of time before one of the partners resents the other/leaves/has an affair.

If she's happy but he's not, it's not a recipe for the kind of life I'd want to live.

Rock the boat and talk to her. You might be surprised by what she says.

Guys (or gals!) thank you for the responses.

To answer some questions:

To be brutal, I don't find 'larger' women attractive - just my own tastes. She was size 10 when I met her and she is now a size 12. I'm mainly attracted to 'cute/pretty' size 6-10s and in recent months she's a bit over the size I tend to find attractive. I still find her very pretty though, and physical features are only part of it - we still connect mentally and emotionally. I've not really broached the subject of this as it would be a bit of a minefield, but she has recently put a lot of effort into losing some weight and I'm trying to be encouraging without making it obvious I'd prefer her to lose weight! :)

Don't get me wrong, I'm no oil painting myself - I used to go to the gym a lot and had a very athletic build, but with working so much in recent years I've gone from athletic to just slim/skinny... I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't find my physique a huge turn on either.

I am definitely not with her for joint income. We both earn well, but I earn considerably more than her - plenty enough for living alone.

We have an active social life but we don't do a great deal together socially. Her friends are my friends wives/girlfriends but the girls tend to go out separately to the boys. There is a little bit of a rut in that we've fallen into a routine. Up early, breakfast, work til late, get home, have a talk, eat food, bath/shower together, go to bed, sleep... rinse and repeat.

Sex is rarely initiated - when it is, it happens. Probably 50:50. We don't rebuff each other, we simply rarely initiate!

One thing I forgot to mention is that our work lives often mean we don't have a great deal of time together. She effectively works shift pattern - 2 days off in the week - often one at the weekend and one in the week. I work Mon-Sat late, so if her day off doesn't coincide with my only day off, we will go two weeks without a day off together - this leaves only the evenings from 7.30 or 8pm onwards.

Lastly, we're very honest and open with each other. She knows most of the above and we talk about this, it's not something that is bottled away and unspoken. We've had a few proper heart to hearts about it. We are close and intimate, just without the sex. It is hard to describe as I can understand most people may think we're living a loveless relationship but that is far from the truth, I AM still physically attracted to her and (she says) she is to me. However, we are so familiar with each other that the thought of sex isn't as exciting as it once was, or as I would imagine it to be with a new lover. That doesn't mean I don't want to have sex with her, neither does it mean I am not attracted to her... it's just not as exciting as exploratory honeymoon sex with a new girl. That is what I meant, not that I actually want to find a new partner!

So there's no problem. Bit of a pointless thread then?

"larger" as over a size 10. For most normal women a healthy body is a size 10-14. You are sexually attracted to underweight women and feel urges to wank over porn but are not fussed about sex with your partner? Are the two connected I wonder? Has porn readjusted your expectations of sex?

Only the very very shortest of women could possibly be actually healthy as a size 6.

Then you clearly don't have a problem, do you?

One thing I will say is that I find your attitude to your GFs body size pretty shocking. A size 10 is very slim; a size 12 is still slim. There's no way she could naturally be a size 6 or 8 unless she's around the lower end of 5 feet tall. Whatever, to be a size 6/8/10 you have to watch like a hawk what you eat, to varying degrees.

I starved myself for years to be a size 6 (I'm 5'8"). Nothing to do with my DH; I had an eating disorder. Anyway, I'm naturally 9 stones 7 pounds and a size 10-12. I eat normally now and I know my DH prefers my body with breasts and hips.

I'm digressing: if you like 'em small and skinny, that's up to you. She might be feeling a bit shit though, being naked with you knowing she's bigger than what you like.

A size 12 a 'larger' woman

Cogito - If you feel it is pointless, please refrain from posting. No harm done.

I've been completely transparent and honest and there are some useful replies that have made me think. I realise that this is a mostly female forum and that is why I chose to post here to get some sensible advice suggestions.

I've looked through some other threads and realise your posting style is a little, shall we say... blunt.. and fair enough, but there isn't a requirement for you to post in every thread and if you have a problem with the content, please move along to the next thread and let others continue to offer some sound advice without posting silly and sarcastic comments.

Thanks.

It is extremely immature to compare the frequency of sex in your relationship with other peoples btw. There's something irritating about your manner. Either there is a problem or there isn't, either what your/her expectations/behaviours are are reasonable or they aren't but so far you seem to be sticking to the middle of the road answers and not actually saying what you mean.

I think it would be reasonable to examine why exactly you are attracted to such thin women.

Molatov - I can't help what I find attractive! Some girls like muscles, some like tall guys, short guys, bald guys, blonde guys or dark haired guys.

Us blokes are no different, some like girls slim, some prefer curvy, some like brunettes, some like red heads!

I could sugar coat it all, but in there is no point if I'm not being honest.

I'm truly sorry you were offended.

BTW.. she's just over 5ft...

There's being thin and then there is stipulating a dress size range though! 6-10 and over that being "larger" is an extremely damaging thinking pattern, I believe it may have come from having expectations adjusted from porn tbh. I don't think it is all that natural to only be attracted to such dangerously thin women.

Offred - Thanks for your thoughts. I've always been attracted to slim women - no different to most of my friends - not something I've ever considered abnormal! Do you think it is abnormal for a guy to find a slim woman attractive?