27, Male and no sex drive. Help?

[RTW1985]

Ok. Prepare for a long, rambling post.

I'll come out and say it: I'm a 27 year old bloke and I have completely lost my sex-drive.

I've been with my partner (the same age as me) for 7 years. We've lived together 5. We're not married and we don't have children (nor do we intend to).

I've never had a high sex drive. I had a couple of sexual partners before my current partner and being quite young, we'd often have sex every time we met up. When I met my current partner, we lived in different cities and would usually meet up once or twice a week, stay together for two nights and have sex several times in the week.

When we moved in together, things became slower (this also coincided with both of us finishing University and also starting full-time work and evening study), but we'd have sex at least once a week.

In the last couple of years, our sex life has slowed right down insofar as it is almost non-existent. We average sex about once every three months although do other sexual things occasionally. It can often go a month or six weeks without any sexual contact.

I've never really considered it a big deal; it's something we openly talk about and she claims to have a low sex drive too. Although it isn't a big deal at all, it has almost become one (for me, at least) as I've realised it is probably quite abnormal and to me it's become somewhat an elephant in the room.

I've read a few posts, looked at a few websites and talked to a few friends. Most of my (coupled) friends have reported a slowdown in their late 20s, especially after being with the same partner for a few years. However, none of them have slowed down to our extent - most still have sex one a week or so!

I should say I have never cheated on my partner and nor would I ever do so. I'm 99% sure she has not cheated on me.

Neither of us is unduly stressed. We both have good jobs and earn excellent money which, when combined with no kids means a huge disposable income - more than we know what to do with. Every month plenty gets chucked into savings and we've built quite a nest egg - no money worries at all. We enjoy a good life, we go out, socialise, have plenty of friends each, and enjoy exotic holidays.

There is plenty of love. We cuddle, we kiss, bath togehter by candlelight, we tell each other every day that we love each other. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend and I truly love her.

In fact, apart from the no sex thing, we're a perfectly normal couple!

So, what is causing my (or our?) lack of sex drive? I've read several advice websites, and my causes seem to be:

1. I work 55-60 hour weeks, over 6 days. I'm young, I can take it. I don't feel particularly tired although I often do lack energy in the evenings and weekends.

1. Because of the above, I'm out of the house by 7.30am and don't return until 7.30pm; she is out from 6.30am to 7pm. By the time we're back home, we're ravenously hungry (for food, sadly!) so by the time we've cooked and eaten it's always nearly 9pm. By that point I'm either too tired to even contemplate sex (the thought just tires me out!).

She has to be up very early, so no morning sex!

However, even on holiday, or if we manage to have a day or week off together, we rarely have sex.

1. I do watch some porn. Not as much as I used to (I don't have time!), but I still have the usual male urges and a quick one off the wrist before work is a lot quicker and easier than a sex session. She knows I masturbate, I know she does... it's not a problem and we're completely honest with each other!

1. I still find my girlfriend pretty, but I won't deny that I am sexually attracted to other girls and often meet other girls that I find (physically) more attractive. I'd never, ever, do anything about it, but I without being too blunt from a purely sexual point of view I know sexier, slimmer girls. If I'm out with friends I'm often approached by 'sexier' girls and if I were single I'd have no hesitation about sleeping with them. That urge is still there, then!

So, what can be done to reignite it? I'm looking for some frank advice. As we don't have kids, we don't need to 'get away', as we've tried that and the above applies even if we're on holiday.

Apart from the sex, we have a great and very close, loving relationship. I don't want to throw it all away as the no sex has not really been a big deal until very recently, when I've realised it is probably something that needs addressing in some way.

Appreciate any advice :)

I also would appreciate it if people didnt refer to slimer women as emaciated. Its rude. We cant all be the same. For someone 5ft tall as OPs DP size 12 is larger btw.

I personally prefer slim men. Do hope im not some sort of weirdo for that.

I should have known mentioning dress sizes would lead to crucifixion on a forum for womenfolk ;). I should make it clear that, like most blokes, I only have a rough idea about sizes which are probably inaccurate. Apologies for any offence.

To be clear.

I prefer slim women. This is my preference in the same way as some girls prefer tall guys. I tend to think of 'slim' as being size 6-10. I could be very wrong.

When I met my girlfriend, she was (I think) a size 10. This was a little bigger than some girls I had dated and the previous relationships.

Seven years on, she is a little bigger and is, obviously, seven years older. Probably size 12, maybe 14. I dunno. The point being that she is now slightly bigger than the sort of girl I would have previously dated when I first met her.

I only broached the subject of weight because someone asked if her she had changed physically since I met her. I answered with the truth.

In reality, the size/weight issue is not really a major factor.

Jeez.

PS. No gay porn!

Good, good. I disagreed that it's unnatural to be attracted to such dangerously thin women - its not dangerously thin and it's perfectly natural to have a preference but I see what you are saying re. Op.

However I don't think the weight is the issue here. Sounds like he just needs to experiment a little more before settling down...

"Offred - Thanks for your thoughts. I've always been attracted to slim women - no different to most of my friends - not something I've ever considered abnormal! Do you think it is abnormal for a guy to find a slim woman attractive? "

In actual facts, on forums such as this and in some media outlets, that is exactly the message that is drummed into us. I'm sick of hearing how Christina Hendricks off mad men is "what men want", or how Marilyn Monroe at a size 14 is men's ideal, or just generally "men prefer curvy women".

You would almost think it is a crime to be size 8/10 or to admit to it on a forum.

As for the thinner/fatter thing:if you mention this on here, you will be crucified, as many are sensitive about putting on weight

FFS, you sound so stupid and insensitive saying that george888

I'd be more sympathetic to 1985 if his GF had gone from a size 10 to a 16 as there is a difference between those sizes. But that is not the case.

I'm grateful that I'm with a good man who is not as awfully shallow as you both.

See I think if you are in a serious relationship "attraction" to a person is less and less dependent on physical appearance the more serious the relationship gets. Physical appearance is normally what first attracts you to someone. Many people put on a bit of weight as the relationship gets more serious but I don't think it matches up for him to say he is serious about her and they have a wonderful relationship but her (perfectly normal weight) puts him off sex to the point he prefers porn and finds other skinnier women more attractive.

Assuming that is the problem he has with their sex life.

It could equally be he wants to have more sex than his friends... He hasn't really said.

Sorry my remark was to offred. Op, you've been together for all your adult life. Perhaps the lack of interest in sex is simply that this woman isn't the right woman for you now...

Schrodinger - he's not just referring to his partner though, he is setting his standards for all women he may encounter and 6-10 across all women is very thin. My very anorexic friend (hospitalised many time throughout life) is 5' 4" and a size 6.

I think we're all shallow in some area when it comes to attraction, I have friends who wouldn't go out with someone if they were shorter than them, blonde, bearded, one friend dumped her bf because he had a dead tooth, all lovely people but just their little idiosyncrasies. Like i say if he was making her feel bad about it he's out of order but if it's just something going on his head...

If he did make more effort with her and they developed their sex life, deepened their bond,
he would probably find himself more attracted to her.

Another here that finds OP's posts a bit confusing and contradictory
but for benefit of doubt sake.....

RTW- maybe you could try a self imposed wank ban and see what happens.

Wanking between regular sex, is probably normal for some men, but it is/can become problematic when you substitute it for sex with your partner.

It's possible your GF has picked up on your aversion to her bigger omfg don't believe I'm saying that about size 12 size, coupled with the fact she knows you're using porn to wank and doesn't feel much like initiating or having sex. I wouldn't.

But Natcat that is fair enough for someone you are dating as a filtering process but not right in a seriously long term relationship you have had all your life.

Rtw - something's amiss here. I don't believe you can be as happy or as serious about her as you say if you are so concerned about your sex life. I also think you need to work out exactly what problem you have?

True Offred, there is a difference there.

Aww if its bad now, it's going to be worse in ten years. Has the thought not occurred to you that you could be having fun in your twenties being single and wait for a while before doing the whole couple thing?
( this is not to everyone who married young, but it doesn't suit all!)

True Offred he is. But i was wondering if he prefered smaller (shorter) women too as they are the type that most often fall into those weight catergories.

But it's a preference he's always had, he hasn't changed, she has. It being morally right or wrong won't make much difference to how much attraction he feels. Personally I think it's a shame as one dress size doesn't seem like a lot to me, but it's obviously enough of a change for OP that it has had an effect on his attraction.

Maybe Schrodinger and then it may just be choice of words because the obvious choice there is to say "petite" rather than stipulate a range of dress sizes!

Combination of two lots of hours jobs do take their toll, you fall into a rut, the easy option/relief of quick masturbatory gratification for you (and for her) because your time together doesn't sync/don't have to go to the effort of ensuring each other's pleasure. Even when on holiday, having fallen into that rut, it's hard to kick start it all again. Yet sex with someone new does excite and you'll probably end up wondering whether actually the grass isn't greener.

So what are you going to do to change this unsatisfactory state of affairs as doesn't sound a very attractive future for you both. Live is meant to be lived not ground out! Your hours or jobs seem a big obstacle - radical changes needed. What about if you agree to no solo masturbation or porn? Would that mean you'd have to seek each other out? And why not a series of quickies or meet-ups with your gf, just for sex?

Natcat - I think it would depend if it was an expectation affected by porn and his social group. Sometimes porn does affect those things and you can readjust them and be happier. Or he might just not really be as serious about his girlfriend as he'd like to be. Which is fine, sometimes people get caught up with achieving relationship goals...

I still don't really know what the problem is though tbh. Or how his friends' frequency of sex or dress size range has anything to do with anything unless that is what is concerning him, comparing himself to others...

Op fundamentally if you are bothered by the same things you were seven years ago I think you may just not really be that into her because it doesn't sound as if your connection or attraction has progressed beyond that fairly superficial dating stage everyone has.

Offred, to answer you last two specfic questions:

Dress sizes - I clarified that in my post above that seemed to slip by the wayside but to repeat: I only mentioned it in response to a question on the first page and it really isn't a big deal! I'm probably completely inaccurate anyway, I use dress sizes as a very rough guide. I know size 6 is petite, 8 is slim, 10 is normal, 12 is normal/curvy, 14 is a bit bigger than norm, 16 is big and 18+ is well out of my range.

ALL the guys I know and work with (ranging from late teens to mid-40s, use dress sizes as a wildly inaccurate yardstick when discussing you girls). Surely it is a little less offensive than describing someone as "yeh, nice girl but a bit tubby" !!? I'm quite positive girls must describe us guys in a similar manner - thin, slim, athletic, muscly, chunky, fat... etc

Friend's sex - We guys talk about sex, y'know. If out for a drink with the boys we may get onto the topic of sex and usually the single lads will discuss specifics (who, what, where) and those of us with partners will discuss frequency, type, etc! One is not competing in the slightest, but when most friends are at it like rabbits, I do feel a bit abnormal in comparison! :smile:

Anyway, I am genuinely interested in the responses. Even those that describe me as an emotionally stunted arse!

RTW

I should make it clear that, like most blokes, I only have a rough idea about sizes which are probably inaccurate

I tend to think of 'slim' as being size 6-10. I could be very wrong

When I met my girlfriend, she was (I think) a size 10

Now, we're talking

And if that sounds too radical or too much like hard work, then either accept that your sex-life is not a priority over other aspects of your relationship such as your comfort, friendship and affection, have the confidence to stop comparing to other people & stop finding the situation you have chosen lacking (although be aware it could leave you both vulnerable to affairs at a later date) OR re-evaluate this relationship.

You see, nothing will change without some changes put in place and some effort on your parts. So either act on it, finish or just accept it.

Olympic - Thanks. I intend to make some changes.

I can't really do much with work. In fact, I've just taken on additional responsibility so will be working slightly more for the foreseeable future.

I have decided to resist the temptation of a quick wank and will stop with the porn. I'm also going to start cycling to work - this may backfire as I may end up more tired, but I used to cycle a lot and it was very invigorating and used to make me feel very energised. We'll see, I'm not 21 any more!

Must dash, I'm using long forgotten skills from a previous job and baking a cake for my nephew's christening.

Mate. I mean this in nothing but a polite and non-judgemental way. I think you might have issues with your sexuality. At least - that's what I would think if I believed even a single word of your contrived dribble. Which I don't. Agenda much?