27, Male and no sex drive. Help?

[RTW1985]

Ok. Prepare for a long, rambling post.

I'll come out and say it: I'm a 27 year old bloke and I have completely lost my sex-drive.

I've been with my partner (the same age as me) for 7 years. We've lived together 5. We're not married and we don't have children (nor do we intend to).

I've never had a high sex drive. I had a couple of sexual partners before my current partner and being quite young, we'd often have sex every time we met up. When I met my current partner, we lived in different cities and would usually meet up once or twice a week, stay together for two nights and have sex several times in the week.

When we moved in together, things became slower (this also coincided with both of us finishing University and also starting full-time work and evening study), but we'd have sex at least once a week.

In the last couple of years, our sex life has slowed right down insofar as it is almost non-existent. We average sex about once every three months although do other sexual things occasionally. It can often go a month or six weeks without any sexual contact.

I've never really considered it a big deal; it's something we openly talk about and she claims to have a low sex drive too. Although it isn't a big deal at all, it has almost become one (for me, at least) as I've realised it is probably quite abnormal and to me it's become somewhat an elephant in the room.

I've read a few posts, looked at a few websites and talked to a few friends. Most of my (coupled) friends have reported a slowdown in their late 20s, especially after being with the same partner for a few years. However, none of them have slowed down to our extent - most still have sex one a week or so!

I should say I have never cheated on my partner and nor would I ever do so. I'm 99% sure she has not cheated on me.

Neither of us is unduly stressed. We both have good jobs and earn excellent money which, when combined with no kids means a huge disposable income - more than we know what to do with. Every month plenty gets chucked into savings and we've built quite a nest egg - no money worries at all. We enjoy a good life, we go out, socialise, have plenty of friends each, and enjoy exotic holidays.

There is plenty of love. We cuddle, we kiss, bath togehter by candlelight, we tell each other every day that we love each other. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend and I truly love her.

In fact, apart from the no sex thing, we're a perfectly normal couple!

So, what is causing my (or our?) lack of sex drive? I've read several advice websites, and my causes seem to be:

1. I work 55-60 hour weeks, over 6 days. I'm young, I can take it. I don't feel particularly tired although I often do lack energy in the evenings and weekends.

1. Because of the above, I'm out of the house by 7.30am and don't return until 7.30pm; she is out from 6.30am to 7pm. By the time we're back home, we're ravenously hungry (for food, sadly!) so by the time we've cooked and eaten it's always nearly 9pm. By that point I'm either too tired to even contemplate sex (the thought just tires me out!).

She has to be up very early, so no morning sex!

However, even on holiday, or if we manage to have a day or week off together, we rarely have sex.

1. I do watch some porn. Not as much as I used to (I don't have time!), but I still have the usual male urges and a quick one off the wrist before work is a lot quicker and easier than a sex session. She knows I masturbate, I know she does... it's not a problem and we're completely honest with each other!

1. I still find my girlfriend pretty, but I won't deny that I am sexually attracted to other girls and often meet other girls that I find (physically) more attractive. I'd never, ever, do anything about it, but I without being too blunt from a purely sexual point of view I know sexier, slimmer girls. If I'm out with friends I'm often approached by 'sexier' girls and if I were single I'd have no hesitation about sleeping with them. That urge is still there, then!

So, what can be done to reignite it? I'm looking for some frank advice. As we don't have kids, we don't need to 'get away', as we've tried that and the above applies even if we're on holiday.

Apart from the sex, we have a great and very close, loving relationship. I don't want to throw it all away as the no sex has not really been a big deal until very recently, when I've realised it is probably something that needs addressing in some way.

Appreciate any advice :)

Hmmn MadgeHarvey possibly after a little online attention? Thats usually the way, isn't it?

Bit of a shame to be like that at 27, seems unusual.

madge I think you're onto something. Mn has been flooded lately and I was thinking right away, that there must be some sort of competition on how long and how many posters one could get involved in some tripe, seriously

When I met my DP I was a size 10/12. I'm now an 18/20. This is all making me feel very depressed.

OP: I know what you mean by "we don't have loads of sex... We're happy with it but I worry we should be having more." I know that feeling well. DP and I don't have sex that much (2 times a week, max) but neither of us have a high sex drive. Nothing wrong with it as long as you're both happy.

But maybe in both our cases we're all kidding ourselves and the men just aren't finding the women as attractive anymore. Seems a shame to scrap the love, friendship and life together though for a other relationship that may or may not have more sex.

geegee the thing is, I believe some lot are trying to get more and more sophisticated with their stories and also their tactics, such as stay involved, keep responding, keep asking questions, disagreeing is alright but don't get too harsh about it, make sure not to reach a point where your post would be deserted....etc. etc. etc.

And yet, with enough life and love experience one could see that many pieces of this story simply don't add up.

But as long it is entertaining....

Oh for fucks sake, why can't people see that thin-bashing is just as harmful to women as fat-bashing?!

I am 5,5 and a size 6 - 8. I am not emaciated, unhealthy or dangerously or unnaturally thin. I've got breasts, hips, a fairly generous arse and look perfectly normal thank you very much. I'm slim is all.

When women talk about other, slimmer, women's bodies in those terms, it just comes across as unsisterly, snide, and bitter. It does nothing to further a healthier respect for women's bodies of any size.

Why does it bother you that some bloke somewhere finds slimmer women more attractive? Why do you care? I'm sure some of you are attracted to taller men, or men with dark hair, or men with/without beards. I'm sure most of us would prefer a man in decent shape to a man with a beer gut, all else being equal.

geegee

I am a lurker for little over 2 years, started adding my comments to posts a few weeks ago and have yet to have a First post myself.

I can literally see more than two blokes ha ha ha, sitting together, hanging out and making fun of us, which of course they can't cause they mostly do not get very far

Which is why I truly recommend reading what other posters have written and what they have responded with, instead of reading OP and then jump in with an honest and heartfelt response...I think some might even see this as wank fodder ...

I'm seeing some FHM journalists with too much time on their hands...

He could be real. It's his first post. He hasn't yet learnt the art of writing in the appropriate cynical MN tone

I posted a similar question a while ago and no one accused me of being a fake.

geegee and others

telly there might be a typical MN tone, but there is a universal human tone, if you get my drift. Similar question has got nothing to do with it. You feel comfortable adding your heart-felt personal responses, go ahead...it's a free forum...

agree with fuckthatlldo.size 6 is hardly dangerously thin

geegee - Sorry if you don't like the way I write. I'm a numbers guy by trade and I don't really do writing apart from in a report like, factual style. This is my first visit to MN.

I probably write differently to most MN members because I am a bloke.. sorry, a guy.. no wait, a chap.. d'oh, a male... if I cannot call myself a bloke I'm not sure what I'm to call myself!

What doesn't add up?

I'll do a very quick precis of the situation

1. Met lovely girl. Had a fair amount of sex.
2. Moved in together. Had less sex.
3. Five years later. Have little sex.
4. Not that bothered by it all, but wondering if perhaps she is. Decide to seek advice.
5. Realisation that the reason for little sex is lack of effort, lack of time, lack of passion/wanting to have sex due to familiarity with each other.
6. Write it all out on a forum.
7. Make mistake of discussing womens sizes on woman dominated forum.
8. Not sure whether to laugh or despair at most of the rest of the posts focussing on size, despite me saying this is only a very small issue and that the reason I mentioned it in the first place was in response to a question posed "Has your girlfriend changed physically since you met her"?

Jeez. :)

I'm a slim 8-10 (more 10 after having my dd3) but I have boobs, thighs and a bum. I'm not too thin. I was very thin when I met my dp (size 6 and weighed 6 stones) and he said that I was too thin at that point in my life. I have put on about 2 stones and I'm happy with my weight.
My dp likes slim women and many of my male rl friends do too. I like slim tall men.

But I'm not too thin and I take offence to being told I'm emaciated or dangerously thin.

I think the RTW should be left alone about this weight thing. Not the biggest deal really. Plenty of women are a very happy and gorgeous size 6 but were RTW's OH currently a size 6 I don't get the impression this would solve the problem.

RTW what do you actually want out of this relationship and what does your partner want? Despite loving her, does it have the oomph to become a marriage/whatever commitment you want? Do you both have some conviction about it? Does the whole thing have drive? Are you both getting what you want?

Basically, lots of people lie about sex, masturbate rather than have good sex, don't have that much sex. Many of us have been there. However, I think it is a bit different to go through a quiet spot if you have that feeling that your partner is inherently the right person for you. Is she? Are you for her?

Other thing RTW, is that I used to go out with a guy who worked really bad ass City hours and my God was it easy for him to become a burnt out bore. Although you feel you can take 60 hours pw due to your youth, you've got to realise that other people your age working 35hrs aren't necessarily just kicking back, they are putting those spare 25hrs into their hobbies, relationships, cultural interests, sex lives, friendships. Be really careful about giving everything to your job because that might be the problem. Money is nice, but is it really worth that?

crazyhead, agree with every word! also your last paragraph is exactly why my marriage gone down the drain (ex focused on city career in his 20s for yearsd and years, and had NO energy for anything else, incl sex. the irony is, he left it eventually after the split as he got fed up, but i got fed up first).
Paranoia about make posters does MN a BIG disservice. You don't KNOW that he is fake, how would you feel if you were accused of that? I don't see his manner as strange, a bit awkward as typical for many young techie men, that's all.

that should be 'male posters', of course

Well, if you're a "numbers guy" OP, simply add 27 years to the rest of your life and critically analyse the statistical probability of you feeling worse when you're 40 if you don't do something about it now.

Or alternatively add steps 9 and 10 thus:-

1. Take action to remedy situation viz:-

(i) Split up and date multiple women before finding someone special or (ii) work really hard on your current relationship and make it a priority

10. Instead of discussing it, take action.

I think the OPs posts are coming across as confused because he IS confused. he loves his GF, finds her attractive in more ways than just looks, enjoys their life together etc....yet don't feel the sexual spark. that is confusing! I've been there myself!

OP, I agree with the posts saying you've got too comfy and are now just pootling along in your very nice relationship. the spark won't come back without effort. you know that. and we all know that the more effort we put into something the more we value it.

you say you're very open and honest. do you discuss fantasies? time to reinact one maybe????

Lots of people missing the point here. It is not about individual women and being a size 6-10 it is about extrapolating that across the whole female population. Of course for some individuals that is not too thin, that is not a thing anyone had said.

Problem with 9.(i) though geegee, with his current lifestyle he would barely have time to meet any new women, let alone start a fling or sexual relationship with them. GF though is already 'met' as she's there when he gets home so I do agree with those who have been saying the relationship is more about comfort than anything. But comfort turns to boredom if you don't do anything about it.

Good news about your porn quitting plan, OP. have you told GF this? It would be good if she agreed not to masturbate too for a while if she is also committed to increasing your intimacy. Maybe if you say tried it for a week and then on the weekend you go out on a date and then maybe... :)

I love this thread

Man posts problem.
Many women try to unravel underlying issues to help said man.
Man mentions liking thin women.
Man is forever Satan's arsehole.

I love mumsnet.

I know, Dainty, v funny isn't it.

Incidentally I'm a size 8, sometimes a 6, 5ft 5" and I am certainly not emaciated or 'dangerously annorexic'!! I have a bum and boobs and do not have any ribs sticking out, my face is not gaunt, in fact I hate to piss all the skinny haters on this thread off, but I look great.

And I need to learn how to spell 'anorexic'.

Keep repeating it. It isn't about individual women and what is fine for them it is about extrapolating across the whole female population that 6-10 is slim and bigger than that is "larger" and that not actually being a realistic assessment for all women a large number of whom's actual skeletons will be bigger than a size 6 and who might still be ill as a size 10. It was probably a mistake for him to mention dress sizes. I don't even think that's the problem. He came here asking about it and saying he didn't want sex as often as he thought he should and mentioned his gf being "larger" as a reason for that. The issue is that a fairly insignificant amount of weight gain doesn't normally put you off sex with a partner you've had for 7 years and I wondered if the reason for that was either that he's not that into her and has been caught up with the relationship without his feelings progressing or if it is because of expectations being readjusted by preferring porn and competitive behaviour with his friends. Do you understand? My point about my anorexic friend is that you might be ok, other women are not and saying 6-10 is slim to normal across all women is not reasonable.