27, Male and no sex drive. Help?

[RTW1985]

Ok. Prepare for a long, rambling post.

I'll come out and say it: I'm a 27 year old bloke and I have completely lost my sex-drive.

I've been with my partner (the same age as me) for 7 years. We've lived together 5. We're not married and we don't have children (nor do we intend to).

I've never had a high sex drive. I had a couple of sexual partners before my current partner and being quite young, we'd often have sex every time we met up. When I met my current partner, we lived in different cities and would usually meet up once or twice a week, stay together for two nights and have sex several times in the week.

When we moved in together, things became slower (this also coincided with both of us finishing University and also starting full-time work and evening study), but we'd have sex at least once a week.

In the last couple of years, our sex life has slowed right down insofar as it is almost non-existent. We average sex about once every three months although do other sexual things occasionally. It can often go a month or six weeks without any sexual contact.

I've never really considered it a big deal; it's something we openly talk about and she claims to have a low sex drive too. Although it isn't a big deal at all, it has almost become one (for me, at least) as I've realised it is probably quite abnormal and to me it's become somewhat an elephant in the room.

I've read a few posts, looked at a few websites and talked to a few friends. Most of my (coupled) friends have reported a slowdown in their late 20s, especially after being with the same partner for a few years. However, none of them have slowed down to our extent - most still have sex one a week or so!

I should say I have never cheated on my partner and nor would I ever do so. I'm 99% sure she has not cheated on me.

Neither of us is unduly stressed. We both have good jobs and earn excellent money which, when combined with no kids means a huge disposable income - more than we know what to do with. Every month plenty gets chucked into savings and we've built quite a nest egg - no money worries at all. We enjoy a good life, we go out, socialise, have plenty of friends each, and enjoy exotic holidays.

There is plenty of love. We cuddle, we kiss, bath togehter by candlelight, we tell each other every day that we love each other. She's my best friend as well as my girlfriend and I truly love her.

In fact, apart from the no sex thing, we're a perfectly normal couple!

So, what is causing my (or our?) lack of sex drive? I've read several advice websites, and my causes seem to be:

1. I work 55-60 hour weeks, over 6 days. I'm young, I can take it. I don't feel particularly tired although I often do lack energy in the evenings and weekends.

1. Because of the above, I'm out of the house by 7.30am and don't return until 7.30pm; she is out from 6.30am to 7pm. By the time we're back home, we're ravenously hungry (for food, sadly!) so by the time we've cooked and eaten it's always nearly 9pm. By that point I'm either too tired to even contemplate sex (the thought just tires me out!).

She has to be up very early, so no morning sex!

However, even on holiday, or if we manage to have a day or week off together, we rarely have sex.

1. I do watch some porn. Not as much as I used to (I don't have time!), but I still have the usual male urges and a quick one off the wrist before work is a lot quicker and easier than a sex session. She knows I masturbate, I know she does... it's not a problem and we're completely honest with each other!

1. I still find my girlfriend pretty, but I won't deny that I am sexually attracted to other girls and often meet other girls that I find (physically) more attractive. I'd never, ever, do anything about it, but I without being too blunt from a purely sexual point of view I know sexier, slimmer girls. If I'm out with friends I'm often approached by 'sexier' girls and if I were single I'd have no hesitation about sleeping with them. That urge is still there, then!

So, what can be done to reignite it? I'm looking for some frank advice. As we don't have kids, we don't need to 'get away', as we've tried that and the above applies even if we're on holiday.

Apart from the sex, we have a great and very close, loving relationship. I don't want to throw it all away as the no sex has not really been a big deal until very recently, when I've realised it is probably something that needs addressing in some way.

Appreciate any advice :)

Women who wear sizes 6 to 10 are not dangerously or unnaturally thin or sick or any of the other very offensive things that have been said on this thread, especially for someone who is only 5'. Clothes sizes keep getting bigger all the time. Vanity sizing is insane. I am 5'7, my BMI is between 21 and 22 and I wear a 6 or 8. I think it is highly unlikely the OP's attraction to slim women has been determined by porn, and he does not like 'dangerously underweight' women!

If you are happy at size X, then what does it matter that some people prefer a size Y. If he was saying he prefers women to be a size 14 or 16, he'd be being praised for liking 'real' 'curvy' 'normal' women. By the way, it always gets said that Marilyn Monroe was a 14 - not in today's clothes she wasn't. She would be a 6 or 8.

offred My point about my anorexic friend is that you might be ok, other women are not and saying 6-10 is slim to normal across all women is not reasonable.
That is true. A size 6 could be very underweight on some women. On this thread some posters seem to have suggested that because he stated those sizes he likes women who are underweight, rather than women who are that size and happen to be perfectly healthy at it.

The whole point is that by stating a specific dress size range for all women and saying 12 is "larger" he isn't saying he is attracted to naturally thin women. No matter what he meant. I've got another friend who is 5'11" and a size 14 but is very lean indeed and has a very athletic type of frame and sticky out hip bones. He might have meant to say something else but you can only respond to what he did say. It isn't the dress sizes anyway it is the unusually superficial physical attraction towards a long term partner, the no problem with his urges when it comes to porn and the thing about 12 being "larger".

Offred I take your point, and you're right when you put it like that of course, but if you read back through the thread you will find many posts implying that all women who are a size 6 - 10 are dangerously thin, and even some posts insinuating that if that is the kind of woman the op is attracted to then he must be gay!

It just smacks of extreme jealousy and hatred to me - disguised as some kind of feminist sentiment which makes it particularly unpleasant.

Women come in different shapes and sizes you know? Some people really need to get over that.

I think that is extremely paranoid! The gay comment was nothing to do with the dress sizes, I'm not even sure how you could read it in that way!!! It was about the porn being preferable to his girlfriend - a jibe about the porn being gay porn which is why he doesn't fancy sex with his gf I thought!

The gay thing is not paranoia.

I watched this thread with increasing hilarity.

The OP, quite honestly I thought, discussed all aspects of his relationship including the kind of body shape he finds attractive.

The OP happens to like a slimmer frame, size 6-10 he quotes, then one poster after another jump in suggesting there is something unhealthy about this. Women this thin are likely to have anorexia, he has been watching too much porn and what are we all thinking...he really likes cock?

What rubbish. Have we women all got so used to the size of our fat arses that we can't remember what is normal any more?

I'm currently a size 18 (the OP would retch at the sight of me naked!) but even at a size 8 I wasn't ill or anorexic just fit and doing a lot of running.

OP your big mistake was mentioning preferring any size. Did you not know women are allowed to like tall/short/fat/thin men but men must not verbalise a preference? You are a compulsively gay wanking sexual deviant if you do

But the problem is that has not been written on this thread by anyone else but you!

I don't see how the gay thing was anything to do with thin women. It doesn't even make any sense to say that.

Extremely paranoid!

Agree with you Fuckitthatlldo, it does smack of extreme jealousy.

And Offred it is not extreme paranoia! There has even been reference to the OP liking size 6-10 women because he likes porn, like size 6 women look like porn stars! Utterly ridiculous.

It's not paranoia if it's written in black and white.

I should know what I wrote. I did not say he likes 6-10 women because he likes porn I said I wonder if his expectations have been readjusted because of porn. This is something that I thought because he states 6-10 across all women was slim-normal (untrue) and 12 he described as "larger" (untrue) and because in his words he has no problems with his urges when it comes to porn. That or he's just not that into his gf.

Do you not actually see how that is completely different?

Just like if you wank too much it can cause a problem with orgasming through PIV, preferring porn to sex with your gf is not really very healthy and it can be because your sex drive is becoming dependent on the porn.

size 12 is larger for someone who is 5', note 'larger' rather than 'large/fat'. He obviously talked about women of similar HEIGHT to his gf as probably he goes for smaller women and just didn't think in terms of tall women.
Agree with Justtherightamount, that porn start with their inflated silicone breasts (most of them nowadays) are hardly a size 6! unless when he watches porn he only looks at petite women, then porn is nothing to do with his rl preferences.

I think you need to split up with your GF.

agree with posters who explain the whole thing with falling into a rut and laziness, and too much masturbation. If love and intimacy is there which RTW stated many times (he also stated that novelty of a new partner will wear off inevitable in the same way), then he is not 'off' his gf, he just needs to make an effort and masturbate less - he could have done the 'wanking' in the shower like many do, without porn at all, and it would still lower his sexual energy with gf. I don't think porn is an issue as he said he'll stop it without any problem and will see if it helps. for him it's just a quick release, I'm sure not based on the precise appearance of women on it.

I think the porn and wank ban is a very good idea.

The thing about those two things, is that they get in the way of seeing people as people, which quite a few people have pointed out to you, and turns sex into an arms length object thing.

That is what I would be looking at (this lack of intimacy), if I were you. Also: if her putting on weight is bothering you, I would mention it. Not doing so means that you are keeping some of your thoughts secret instead of communicating them, and she is being robbed of the honest facts in order to negotiate. HOW she negotiates (tells you to fuck off all the way through to getting an eating disorder is her choice). But not to have the information she needs for a heads up is unfair.

That's not TRUE about porn adjusting mens perception of female sizes. size 6-10 is perfectly normal on certain frames, and indeed its not mandatory to put on weight as you get older. Some of us women do alike sport and exercise, and size 8 is im afraid a pretty standard size for a woman in many sports, not at the highest levels even. Some women may be bigger, some smaller, but its really very average amongst the relatively active.

If you go down your average asda, you could be forgiven for thinking size 16-18 is average. Point being, not everyone has the same perception, and I actually find the ops perception accurate.

His girlfriend is only 27 too - not a good age to be putting on weight if you want to stay slim throughout adulthood. Its only one thing the op mentioned and I don't think its shallow - i don't fancy fat men!

What I do find shallow is staying with someone you don't really fancy because of the lifestyle, or because of what all your friends are doing - but I suspect the op is scared of being single and not getting someone else.
Which at 27, is a bit pathetic

I don't agree size 8 is a "standard size for many active women".

Not many people are more active or fitter than me and I'm 5'7" and a 12. I don't think I could ever be an 8. The smallest I've ever been was a 10 and 10 stone during that time I actually collapsed from over exercise/starving myself for a prolonged period because I had a bf who said he would dump me if I was ever above 12 stone. Your dress size depends on your frame, your height, your muscle tone and the fat you carry.

To be a healthy size 8 as an active woman you would have to have the frame which allows you to be a size 8 when you are lean and toned and I do not believe that it is actually all that common to have that kind of frame and/or height and is not therefore achievable for most women actually, even though I know it is achievable for some, more achievable the shorter and smaller your bone structure is but for these people size 12 would only be "larger" in the rarest circumstances.

My 5' 11" friend would never be able to fit into a size 8, she's a 14 and leaner and more toned than anyone I know with an athletic build and sticky out bones (and always has been - known her since childhood). I only know 3 women who would still be healthy at a size 8 - my sister, my sister in law and my mother in law who are all very short and have very small bones.

And I don't know why we are still having this argument since you are basically saying the same thing. I've never said 6-10 is not fine on some frames I've said across all women 6-10 is not slim-normal and 12 is not larger that just isn't true.

Offted - to succeed at competitive sports which involve power to weight ratio, you need slim levers. If you carry too much beef on them, they will move slower and tire quicker. I don't mean running a 10k at walking pace, I mean being a reasonably competitive club runner doing around 40-45 minutes, to name but one sport. Size 8 is very common

as I already mentioned above, there is no reason to think that RTW referred to women of all HEIGHTS. His gf is 5 foot and he said he is usually attracted to cute thin women which implies small, not amazonian! He was talking about his type and the weight of women within that type (not tall). 5'7'' is tall.

Even if that argument is correct look at jockeys, they are all short, all that means is that women who cannot achieve the required body shape do not do well in that competitive sport. It does not say anything about women's size/shape generally.

he also never said he goes for athletic types which means muscle weight wouldn't be much of a part of their weight.

by 'their' i mean 'women of his type'.

I think it has reached a point where we are arguing about what he meant with the op not even here. I think he may have put it badly, I think you may be correct, he may have meant something different to what he actually said but I'm just responding to what he did actually say and to what other people have erroneously said I've said.

Fundamentally I think the op had never actually explained what the problem is anyway.

But of course a size 12 is LARGER than a size 10!

Yes I know 6 is also "larger" than 4. he said larger than normal though 6 being slim (across all women 6 could be slim, thin, at death's door or just impossible) and 10 being normal (across all women could be thin to a bit flabby).