Is my husband controlling...?

[redrighthand]

DH is 16 years older than me and recently I've started thinking some of his behaviour is controlling. It's hard to put a finger on it so I will write probably a very garbled account of some examples.

If I have to go away with work (I'm in the forces so unavoidable but only two/three times a year), he's convinced I will cheat on him. To the point where I sometimes have to drive a 150mile round trip every day so I can stay at home whilst on a course to convince him that I'm not staying away so I can meet people.
If I make plans (I'm away now and have been planning for when I get back) he says oh you have a lot planned already I was hoping to spend some time with you. I will say well can we plan something then so I have something to look forward to he says "oh well if you ever get back we will think about it then" and when my time away (four months so far) was extended by a week because there are no flights, somehow he makes me feel as though this is my fault when clearly I can do nothing about it.
A while ago I was invited to a leaving do and I mentioned it to him and he went mad, before I could even tell him that we were both invited and so I had to cancel my spot which was embarrassing but not worth the hassle to go home to him after it if I had gone.
He won't let me have a Facebook account (I don't really want one but that's not the point) and recently he wrote to me saying that he doesn't think things will ever be the same when I get back as he will always wonder whether something has happened since I have been away.

I have never cheated on him in any way, I have no desire to meet anyone else and even if I did I wouldn't have the fucking time because of the job that I do, there really is no reason for him to think this of me. I was doing the job I do now when we met so he knew what he was letting himself in for and he is ex forces so he should understand the issues...

We've only been married for two years but this is making me feel so pessimistic about the future, it's like he thinks I am totally irresistible to every man in the world and therefore I will cheat on him (like an Othello complex...?) when the reality is very different and I rarely see any of my friends because he hates me spending time away.

I love him with all my heart but it's like this is taking the shine off things. Sorry for rambling.

Red, I don't really have any knowledge of control or abuse but I just wanted to say my DP is ex-forces and has been where you are several times.
I'm not proud to admit it but the first deployment he went on, I probably was a bit of a nightmare - feeling jealous plus sulking about minimise, dates changing etc. But I was half the age your DH is, had no military experience or support, and was feeling a little insecure in a new relationship.
This sounds like it's going such a long way past that. He should be the one cheering you up in phone calls and emails, not dragging you down and adding more stress.
The fact you'd rather stay where you are than come home speaks volumes!

Keep talking to your parents and best friend, seperating won't be easy but you deserve to be happy. Good luck

It's quite brave of you to admit that mink, thank you for the perspective though.

I emailed him this morning to ask if he got much sleep (every day he tells me he woke up at 2 or 3 am and couldn't get back to sleep for worrying) and I got "you can ask as many times as you like I'm still not sleeping". Which annoyed me because neither am I but he never even fucking asks. It's like it's impossible to ask me how I am or how my day was and then I get a hard time for not making enough conversation if I call him.

Just read your whole thread redrighthand, he sounds awful. As well being as controlling and paranoid, it strikes me that he's constantly making everything about himself. You're doing a stressful and dangerous job, but he makes it about him and his sleeping problems, making you feel guilty even when you're trying to console him. You're being faithful, but however much you reassure him, and go 150 miles out of your way in order to do so, he still makes it about him, and how 'he will always wonder what has happened' (wtf, that's his problem not yours!).

I really think you should leave as soon as possible. Why would it 'leave him in the lurch' financially? He's a grown man, he should be supporting himself. If you'd had kids with him and he'd given up work to be their stay at home dad then things might be different, but as it is I can't see why you should be supporting him financially. I'd be interested to know what reasons your mum has for thinking he's a gold digger.

It seems all this has been normalised for you because it's been going on so long. There are so many things just on this thread that you've mentioned missing out on: leaving dos, visiting friends, feeling upset after a phonecall when you ought to be relaxing. If you wrote everything you've missed out on on a list, it would be enormous. Maybe you should write that list - it might bring home to you just how much your life is being affected by his dreadful behavior.

Well yesterday he told me to stop emailing him so I have done just that, I have written to my mum about things and am going to stay with mum & dad for a bit when I get home where hopefully I can explain to her what it's been like.

I will also write that list. I know he won't accept that it's over but I have been given the opportunity to apply for a course which I know he wouldn't let me do and that will mean leaving the area we live in so things could change quicker than expected.

Good for you OP, it's great that you've written to your mum.

The course opportunity sounds very positive. Don't let his jealousy and paranoia ruin career opportunities for you. It seems he's already been making your job more difficult for you - sending passive-aggressive emails so you feel stressed while you're away, trying to make you doubt yourself about that rule you were challenging, making you miss opportunities to socialise and make useful contacts in the evenings on courses.

Well he wrote to me today and said at the end "I can't wait to be with you again, I hope I haven't put you off me". I do wonder sometimes what's in his head.

Still, I'm going to apply for this course, my mum is right behind me and it will mean me moving away (I know you will say just leave now but it's not that easy when it comes down to it) and that will be the break that I need.

Do the course. And good for your mum!

Don't waste your time wondering what makes him tick, spend it imagining your future - so bright, you'll have to wear shades

"Won't let you have a FB account"?

Does he think he is your dad? And you're a minor?!

Haven't studied the whole thread, but one thing jumped out at me - "won't let me apply for the course? WTAF? I'm glad you're going to apply. You have to do what's good for you. Partners don't "allow" or "not allow" people to do things.

This is NOT normal man behaviour. And YOU are not dropping him in it. He is doing that to himself by treating you badly. That is his OWN doing and his OWN fault. He is not your responsibility. He is an adult. He is responsible for his own behaviour.

I got to the part about the 150-mile round trip and knew straightaway that this was not okay.

He should not be controlling what you do, whether you belong to Facebook, etc. He should not be checking up on you the way he does.

Please get out while you can still see that it's not okay. This is not what marriage is about.

If you need any help Women's Aid can advise you on legal rights etc.

He's trying to get you to give up on your career so you can spend your entire time looking after him, and he will be the only important person about.

He is jealous of your career, he is jealous you earn more than him. He wants you to have a little job which earns pin money. He'll be jealous if you have kids too. A friend of mine was married to a man like yours. When their baby cried he had her by the throat up against the wall so she couldn't go and soothe their lo.

I know a lot of forces people. They all know that there's nothing like a letter or call from home to buck you up. He knows damn well what he's doing and the effect it will have on you.

Hit you with a stick. Reel you in with niceness. Hit you again. That'll go on until you understand that it's not worth it, and give up everything you care about.