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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband controlling...?

136 replies

redrighthand · 01/09/2012 09:08

DH is 16 years older than me and recently I've started thinking some of his behaviour is controlling. It's hard to put a finger on it so I will write probably a very garbled account of some examples.

If I have to go away with work (I'm in the forces so unavoidable but only two/three times a year), he's convinced I will cheat on him. To the point where I sometimes have to drive a 150mile round trip every day so I can stay at home whilst on a course to convince him that I'm not staying away so I can meet people.
If I make plans (I'm away now and have been planning for when I get back) he says oh you have a lot planned already I was hoping to spend some time with you. I will say well can we plan something then so I have something to look forward to he says "oh well if you ever get back we will think about it then" and when my time away (four months so far) was extended by a week because there are no flights, somehow he makes me feel as though this is my fault when clearly I can do nothing about it.
A while ago I was invited to a leaving do and I mentioned it to him and he went mad, before I could even tell him that we were both invited and so I had to cancel my spot which was embarrassing but not worth the hassle to go home to him after it if I had gone.
He won't let me have a Facebook account (I don't really want one but that's not the point) and recently he wrote to me saying that he doesn't think things will ever be the same when I get back as he will always wonder whether something has happened since I have been away.

I have never cheated on him in any way, I have no desire to meet anyone else and even if I did I wouldn't have the fucking time because of the job that I do, there really is no reason for him to think this of me. I was doing the job I do now when we met so he knew what he was letting himself in for and he is ex forces so he should understand the issues...

We've only been married for two years but this is making me feel so pessimistic about the future, it's like he thinks I am totally irresistible to every man in the world and therefore I will cheat on him (like an Othello complex...?) when the reality is very different and I rarely see any of my friends because he hates me spending time away.

I love him with all my heart but it's like this is taking the shine off things. Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 02/09/2012 15:30

OP, really feel your pain and I'm sorry.

He is monstrously controlling.

Please do NOT have children with this man (sorry if I've missed it and that's not possible but it's worth saying!) as at the moment you have NOTHING tying you to him.

So what if he thinks you ending the marriage is because you are cheating? There is no way you will ever do right in his eyes and he will never change. He will accuse you of all sorts whether you stay or go.

So glad you have confided in your best friend.

Fairenuff · 02/09/2012 15:35

Red well done for opening up, first here, and then with your friend in rl. You are right, you will need support but I am sure you will find it is there for you if you just reach out.

You could maybe tell him that you would like 'a break', a 'trial separation' because you are finding his possessiveness too difficult and it's making you unhappy. I am sure he will promise you the world but if you stay strong and insist that you need a break he will have to accept it. That would give you some breathiing space to get yourself organised.

Keep posting x

Original poster
redrighthand · 02/09/2012 17:03

OK, so from the outside he seems like an amazing caring and loving husband. This is what will mean that everyone would be shocked if I said that something was wrong with our relationship. That's the reason I decided to tell my best friend and tonight I have told my mum how he has been whilst I'm here. She was amazing.
Is it bad that I want to plant seeds so that it's not such a shock to people? I'm really thinking about the long term, there is so much to consider but thank fully no children.

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/09/2012 17:31

They (nearly) always do give the external appearance of caring and loving, redrighthand. It's one of the ways they make it more difficult for you to break the silence or to ask for help. Some people won't believe you, some will - and probably some will say they had suspicions that he wasn't all he seemed.

It doesn't really matter, though - your mum and your best friend are on your side, and you don't owe anyone a detailed explanation of why you decided to leave. A face-saving lie if you really wanted one would be "he found it too difficult with me being away for work - but that's army life for you" etc.

Why would it be bad to plant seeds? If you mean maybe say to a couple of people 'yeah, we're having a few problems' - well, that's true, isn't it?

dequoisagitil · 02/09/2012 18:54

No, it's not bad. You have been covering up for him, not being 'real'. Taking the mask off is a good thing.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2012 18:56

There is a school of thought that someone who accuses another of cheating when they arent but wont let it go, is more than likely doing it themselves, and projecting their own behaviour on to their partner.

Kernowgal · 02/09/2012 19:27

Red, my ex was like your DH - we also had a 16-year age gap. When I did finally end it he asked me if it was because I'd met someone else. No, it was down to his completely unreasonable behaviour, but because he was never in the wrong he had no comprehension that it was him and him alone that made me want to leave. He was equally controlling, but in different ways - put-downs, attempts to control what I ate, attempts to sabotage my work, study and friendships. He also had a constant simmering rage and would blow up for no reason. I felt like I was constantly cowering in his presence and could never be myself.

Unfortunately I work with people who know him and so can't tell them what he was really like, because it would cause too many issues and tbh I'm not sure they'd believe me.

pinksky · 02/09/2012 19:31

redrighthand, I just wanted to say please stay safe if/when you discuss this with him. He is highly unlikely to appreciate your perspective - will most likely see it as you throwing his good treatment of you back at him, and will possibly see it as 'proof' that you have been unfaithful.

Fairenuff · 02/09/2012 20:36

Is it bad that I want to plant seeds so that it's not such a shock to people?

No, it's not bad.

You are just trying to let the people close to you know what he's really like.

That's a good thing.

That is facing reality.

Downandoutnumbered · 02/09/2012 20:39

I agree with Fairenuff - it's important that people in real life know something about this, rather than you covering up for his paranoia.

Original poster
redrighthand · 03/09/2012 13:46

It's so hard isn't it? Today I have had a lovely email and letter from DH, now I'm so glad I started this thread because it helps me stop saying oh he's lovely really. Do you think it's a concsious thing that they do or is it just the way they are?

OP posts:
Lueji · 03/09/2012 13:55

There is a school of thought that someone who accuses another of cheating when they arent but wont let it go, is more than likely doing it themselves, and projecting their own behaviour on to their partner

Not only cheating, but many other things.
Of lying, of being controlling, of not considering their feelings, etc

ponygirlcurtis · 03/09/2012 14:00

red, I don't think it's conscious, not always, but there is a part of them that somehow realises that there is a change in you, that you are questioning them more and are therefore unhappy with how things are. It seems to be that when you are feeling like pulling away more, they step up the efforts to pull you back in. So, yes, it's good that you've got this thread to read back when this happens, because it's entirely normal to doubt yourself when they suddenly show a flash of the men we want them to be all the time.

Original poster
redrighthand · 03/09/2012 14:07

OK, I think I'm going to use this as a sort of diary/timeline of what happens. Whether anyone responds or not I think it will help me to see which behaviour is dominant and will then help me in the future.

OP posts:
bubalou · 03/09/2012 15:09

I haven't read the other posts so sorry if someone else has written this.

I hate to say it but has he cheated?

He may just be an insecure idiot but in my case I HATE jealous men so it has always been a red flag to me & I have avoided such men like the plague. However I have had 2 previous relationships with partners that were fine and then suddenly started asking me if I was cheating / being insecure.

I didn't notice the pattern with the 1st one and it turned out he had started doing this the exact week he had cheated on me. By the time the 2nd BF did it I knew what it was and (in a psyco moment as an already fragile person from being cheated on) I snatched his phone whilst he was sleeping, locked myself in the bathroom and found all the texts.

I hope this isn't the case but think you should consider he is deflecting. Either way it's not your fault.

Fairenuff · 03/09/2012 15:42

It's part of the cycle red. If men like this were controlling all the time they would never get anyone to go out with them, let alone marry them. He will push as far as he thinks he can to see what you will let him get away with. Then he will push some more.

When he meets resistance, he will suddenly become Mr Charming and show you a glimpse of the person you thought he was. His true colours will come out again soon enough.

angeltattoo · 03/09/2012 15:44

Hi,

Lots of good advice already, but I wanted to add, when you say he doesn't go out, is a paragon of virtue etc, my very controlling fuckwit ex used to say this stuff too.

He was lying, he was always out shagging around and on FB, texting other women etc, but he would lie about it and believe it in his own sick head but woe betide me if I ever went out, spoke to friends, met my brother...

Original poster
redrighthand · 03/09/2012 15:49

It's shit there are so many of us who have endured this but it's really helping me to know I'm not the only one and that it's not my fault. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 03/09/2012 18:00

So he thinks he has rescued you from being a 'good time girl' (grim phrase), and you need to be kept on a short leash or you will go back to your wicked ways.

Is this what they call the Madonna Whore complex?

He sounds insanely controlling and insecure. I doubt he is going to change Sad.

FWIW, I was once told by my boss that I couldn't take up a role as an army liaison officer, because, to quote, 'I'm not calling you a slut or a slag, but I'd be worried about you sleeping with the soldiers'. Shock Angry Cue (successful) legal proceedings. Hmm

Heleninahandcart · 03/09/2012 22:09

Redright no, of course it is not your fault. It is him, and there is nothing you can do to get him to change. This is how he is, he will not change. Even when you modify your behaviour, he already moves the goalposts.

It will take you time to realise it all, but you have already done a good thing for yourself by not covering up for him any more. Soon, you will be able to stand back a little and 'watch' his behaviour in a more detached way. This will make it easier for you to see exactly how he has tried to manipulate you.

Beryl Shock Grin

Original poster
redrighthand · 05/09/2012 10:42

OK, so I have been pondering the last few days. He has been great and this thread as predicted has made me remember what he's like when he's not great. I think the first step when I get back will be to stand up to his controlling behaviour.

I want to go and stay with my best friend and then go on to spend a few days with my parents. I know this will meet with resistance because he won't want me to go away. Also there is a study day I want to go to which will include a hotel stay. I don't want to deliberately wind him up but I want to do the things I want to do. I have put these things in my diary and I will tell him my plans and see how we get on.

I imagine he will sulk for days and accuse me of being unfaithful. I don't know what I will do if he does the latter. It deeply offends me that he thinks that I could do that to him.

OP posts:
thefudgeling · 05/09/2012 12:10

I'm so glad you have got lots of support here, and in RL.

My ex was 15 yrs older than me, and behaved as your partner does. He won't change. I left him after 7 years, and the day I took my things and drove away from him, I felt so free, and even though I felt I couldn't survive without him, I knew it was the right thing to do. And I'm so so glad I did it.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Original poster
redrighthand · 05/09/2012 12:51

Hi fudge, thank you for that. I can't help feeling that everyone will either say "I told you so" or that people will see it as a failure. How soon did you realise there was a problem?

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 05/09/2012 13:19

It's a cliche, but life really is too short for you to worry about what other people will think. You only get one life - what are you going to do with yours?

thefudgeling · 05/09/2012 14:05

Well, firstly, the people who count will just be pleased to see you happy. You might find that some people have noticed and not said anything. My mum knew bits of how he was as sometimes I'd phone her up drunk after he'd had a go at me, an sometimes he'd be very critical and/or mildly verbally agressive to me infront of her, but she did not feel it was her place to tell me what to do. After I left him she told me she'd just been afraid she'd push me away if she interfered but was so relieved I'd got out of such an unhealthy and destructive situation. Anyone who cares about you will not say "I told you so". If they do you deal with that at the time but it's a small price to pay IMO.

Secondly, I got the courage to change my situation with the help of a good friend. She came to live with us for a couple of months and was brave enough to tell me she thought his behaviour was wrong. It took her confirmation of my (deeply buried) feelings that he was being abusive for me to face up to it and I'll always be grateful to her. There was, in the end, a breaking point when we went out for a valentines meal and it ended with me crying at the table after he shouted at me fir saying I'd like to work if we had children together. That was the final straw really as I could see only a future of more control and criticism.

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