Is my husband controlling...?

[redrighthand]

DH is 16 years older than me and recently I've started thinking some of his behaviour is controlling. It's hard to put a finger on it so I will write probably a very garbled account of some examples.

If I have to go away with work (I'm in the forces so unavoidable but only two/three times a year), he's convinced I will cheat on him. To the point where I sometimes have to drive a 150mile round trip every day so I can stay at home whilst on a course to convince him that I'm not staying away so I can meet people.
If I make plans (I'm away now and have been planning for when I get back) he says oh you have a lot planned already I was hoping to spend some time with you. I will say well can we plan something then so I have something to look forward to he says "oh well if you ever get back we will think about it then" and when my time away (four months so far) was extended by a week because there are no flights, somehow he makes me feel as though this is my fault when clearly I can do nothing about it.
A while ago I was invited to a leaving do and I mentioned it to him and he went mad, before I could even tell him that we were both invited and so I had to cancel my spot which was embarrassing but not worth the hassle to go home to him after it if I had gone.
He won't let me have a Facebook account (I don't really want one but that's not the point) and recently he wrote to me saying that he doesn't think things will ever be the same when I get back as he will always wonder whether something has happened since I have been away.

I have never cheated on him in any way, I have no desire to meet anyone else and even if I did I wouldn't have the fucking time because of the job that I do, there really is no reason for him to think this of me. I was doing the job I do now when we met so he knew what he was letting himself in for and he is ex forces so he should understand the issues...

We've only been married for two years but this is making me feel so pessimistic about the future, it's like he thinks I am totally irresistible to every man in the world and therefore I will cheat on him (like an Othello complex...?) when the reality is very different and I rarely see any of my friends because he hates me spending time away.

I love him with all my heart but it's like this is taking the shine off things. Sorry for rambling.

He's weirdness Red, get out, you will be so relieved! What a tosser, all those subtle snide remarks to get you down...I'd be megga pissed off too. Is all this really your cuppa tea? Imagine in 10 years, what he will have ground you down into. Trust me, it will happen as well. I know you love him, but sometimes you shouldnt be with someone because they arent good for you, no matter how much you care.

I have made my decision, I just need to do it in my own time.

My first step is to start standing up to him and when I have myself in order I can leave. We live far from everyone I know so it will take me a while to sort things out.

No, you just need to get away from him as soon as you are able. How exactly are you going to stand up to him?. Standing up to him can be fraught with difficulties on your part and he has trained you well to go along with his controlling behaviours. You certainly cannot do another 2-3 years of this. He is dragging you down with him.

The longer you stay red the harder it will be to leave. What, really, is stopping you?

I don't know. I spoke to my best friend and she said to put everything to the back of my mind and concentrate on my job whilst I'm here. It's too easy to get really down about things with no-one to talk to and nothing to distract me in the quiet periods. Then I end up working myself up about what might happen when I tell him I'm leaving and its a bit scary.

When I get back I think I will use most of my leave to go and stay with my parents and that will be the first step to leaving permanently. I just need to get my head around it all and it seems such a long way, almost a dream world from here.

Sounds like a plan.

I hate saying Leave the Bastard, but he really isn't nice to you.

What do you think might happen if you told him you were leaving?

It's too easy to get really down about things with no-one to talk to and nothing to distract me in the quiet periods

We are here for you red. I know it's not the same as rl friends but if you just want to chat or mull over your options I am sure there will usually be someone around to talk to

Beryl I really don't know. I really don't. He would immediately assume there was someone else involved of course. I can't predict what he would do.

fairenuff thank you, that's so nice to hear. I feel amongst friends here but I also do think it's easy to say "leave the bastard" but even when there are no children involved, sometimes the foundations need to be laid before something can be done.

It's helped me enormously to have somewhere to write my musings.

Yes, he will of course insist that there is someone else involved.

But isn't that what he's saying to you all the time anyway?

I think if you can anticipate that and realise that it's his problem and nothing to do with anything you have said or done, it will be less hurtful.

He can believe what he likes, it won't affect you anymore. Once you've detached, his thoughts and opinions won't matter as much.

red, hi, hope you're ok. Just wanted to share this, it's copied from this guy Sam Vaknin's website. He's a narcissist who writes about recognising and understanding controlling and abusive partners. Chances are you'll recognise a few traits from this list:

"Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready? Does he text or phone you multiply and incessantly and insist to know where you are or where you have been at all times?

Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") ? or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things ? even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family? Does he insist on a "dress code"?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Does he call you names, harasses, or ridicules you? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase."

When I read this I realised this behaviour had a name.

Anyway maybe you've heard enough about all this for now. Hope you can find a way of getting some head space out there.

Well, I'm still away. It's proving difficult in a Jekyll and Hyde sort of way. I'll get a great letter from him and then I will speak to him and he will be really grumpy and hardly say anything which is annoying as often I will have queued for 30min to use a phone which is 20min away from my tent in the dark and then he will write to me saying you sounded like you didn't want to talk to me last night. If I tell him the stuff which is making life hard he will blame me for being in the army (see previous post about me doing things for attention), there's lots I don't want to tell him because he will worry unnecessarily or because I'm not allowed to tell him.

A lot of the time we have "minimise" which shuts down all communication with the outside world and it can be on for three days or more (usually for soldiers who are killed or seriously injured but it comes on when VIPs visit and when Harry arrived) and there will be a sentence that says "not heard anything from you, hooray for minimise" or something similar. It's almost as though he blames me.

I'm finding this so hard as the nice things he does almost make me forget the real him underneath.

You have so much to deal with at the moment with work - he's hardly making it easy for you.

Does he have a pension as he was in the forces? You say you are the main breadwinner, but he is only 46 and can work. You do not have to support him forever. If he worked, he would have less time to obsess about you.

He does work, he's always been in employment and he does have a pension. I've just pissed him off again with an email, aagh. It's ironic that the very thing they covet so much they push away with their jealousy.

I ditched my abuser in 3 days in the end, and that was the father of my two sons who were 3 and 10 months at the time.

My point being that there is no reason for you to ever clap eyes on this man again. You are young and free, just don't go back. He's 46 - my dear ole mum supports herself without a military pension, she's.nearly 60 !
He does not need you, he just thinks he owns you.

I have been reading through some threads on here where people talk about leaving their husbands and one of the things that strikes me is they always say oh he never cleans or doesn't cook or whatever. My H is on the face of things absolutely perfect and he does everything for me.

Will this make it harder for people to get their heads round?

You really mean it makes it more difficult for YOU to get your head around.

Just about everyone here can see that your partner is extremely controlling. Cooking and cleaning will never make up for this.
But it's working for him isn't it? You are finding it difficult to see that his behaviour is unacceptable.

It doesn't matter if people get their heads round it or not, honestly it doesn't

You are the only one in a relationship with him it's only your opinion that counts. If a friend said to you that she was unhappy and wanted to leave her relationship would you honestly ask her why and then tell her that in your opinion her reasons weren't good enough and so she has to stay?

You don't need anyone's permission to leave. I think people sometimes forget that, it doesn't have to be justified, people are allowed leave if they are unhappy

It sounds so draining for you living like this, especially when due to the nature of your job youre already under pressure

If he really loved you he wouldn't treat you like this. I'm sure he believes that he loves you but really he doesn't want a loving equal marriage, he wants ownership of you and no one has the right to that

A friend of ours marriage broke up, he went around slagging her off, implied that she had cheated and acting wounded, she didnt really talk about it.

It turned out later that she had felt ashamed at ending her "perfect on paper" marriage, because in reality it was alot less than perfect. He was violent, never hit her or the kids but screaming and shouting, throwing things, breaking things, they could never relax in case he kicked off. She was pleasantly surprised to find that most of us had come to the conclusion that no one leaves a happy marriage and therefore there must have been a good reason. Just because we didnt know what it was, didnt mean that we didnt respect her decision.

And it turned out that the "devastated" ex husband had been shagging around for years, and subsequently tried it on with the partners of some of his mates. He got put on his arse by one of them and we havent seen him since!

As ever, sage advice MN thank you. amverytired you have hit the nail on the head there because I feel like a failure for no good reason.

maytheodds you are right, I would tell a friend that her happiness is paramount.

It is hard to get my head round though, that's the thing. I will not still be in this relationship this time next year.

So I'm due home within the next month and to be honest, I would happily stay here as it puts things off doesn't it. Before I came away we were planning a holiday, not too far away just somewhere on the continent that we could be together on our own. I don't like flying (have done a lot in the past few months!) so I didn't want to go far.

But when the tour was extended by a month DH said we weren't going away now because he was fed up of booking things and cancelling them and losing money. And then he sulked for a few days about me not being back sooner.

I'm quite nervous about getting back, I have a feeling that he won't ask me a single question about my time away because he will want to forget about it all and I have written to my parents saying exactly that whereas normally I would make an excuse for his behaviour this time I said he doesn't want me to talk about it because he is pissed off I had to go away and he doesn't like the fact that I'm out of his control.

Just rambling as there is no-one to talk to...

Laying some groundwork with your parents is good. I probably missed it but what do they think of him? If they think he's lovely another thing that comes up on threads here is how parents often say "Oh, yes well he didn't seem all that nice after X and Y etc but we didn't like to interfere"

My mum doesn't like him really. She thinks he's a "gold digger" because I'm a much higher earner than him and (god this sounds awful) we have family money, not that I have the money but I presume she means part of it will be mine one day. My dad is quiet and just wants me to be happy, they get on as in they can easily work together for a day on my parents farm.

She called him a gold digger when they came to ours for the weekend once btw, that's not my opinion of her opinion IYSWIM, she's not ashamed of it...