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Original poster

Is my husband controlling...?

136 replies

redrighthand · 01/09/2012 09:08

DH is 16 years older than me and recently I've started thinking some of his behaviour is controlling. It's hard to put a finger on it so I will write probably a very garbled account of some examples.

If I have to go away with work (I'm in the forces so unavoidable but only two/three times a year), he's convinced I will cheat on him. To the point where I sometimes have to drive a 150mile round trip every day so I can stay at home whilst on a course to convince him that I'm not staying away so I can meet people.
If I make plans (I'm away now and have been planning for when I get back) he says oh you have a lot planned already I was hoping to spend some time with you. I will say well can we plan something then so I have something to look forward to he says "oh well if you ever get back we will think about it then" and when my time away (four months so far) was extended by a week because there are no flights, somehow he makes me feel as though this is my fault when clearly I can do nothing about it.
A while ago I was invited to a leaving do and I mentioned it to him and he went mad, before I could even tell him that we were both invited and so I had to cancel my spot which was embarrassing but not worth the hassle to go home to him after it if I had gone.
He won't let me have a Facebook account (I don't really want one but that's not the point) and recently he wrote to me saying that he doesn't think things will ever be the same when I get back as he will always wonder whether something has happened since I have been away.

I have never cheated on him in any way, I have no desire to meet anyone else and even if I did I wouldn't have the fucking time because of the job that I do, there really is no reason for him to think this of me. I was doing the job I do now when we met so he knew what he was letting himself in for and he is ex forces so he should understand the issues...

We've only been married for two years but this is making me feel so pessimistic about the future, it's like he thinks I am totally irresistible to every man in the world and therefore I will cheat on him (like an Othello complex...?) when the reality is very different and I rarely see any of my friends because he hates me spending time away.

I love him with all my heart but it's like this is taking the shine off things. Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
thefudgeling · 05/09/2012 14:07

Oh and I totally get the whole 'othello complex' thing. He really thought EVERY man fancied me, and that I was encouraging it by LOOKING at them, how dare I!!!!

thefudgeling · 05/09/2012 14:14

Oh, sorry, I misread your second question! I put up with such a lot I shouldn't have. The first really obvious sign should have been after about 6 months when we had to leave a party as I'd looked at some men. In hindsight there were many subtle signs I would recognise like a shot now I know how people like him are.

Original poster
redrighthand · 05/09/2012 14:48

It's hard because I'm the main earner and I feel like I would be dropping him right in it. I think if I'm going to do anything I need to plan it because much as he's doing this to me I couldn't leave him in the lurch financially.

If I don't text him for a while (when we're at home, no mobiles out here) he'll say "why are you ignoring me?" or "what's going on?". Sometimes when we're out if he's drunk he will just be nasty to me for no reason. We were at a function and one of the women there was seeing one of the staff and I told him and he went mad for no reason.
Also, while I've been away I have lost some weight by eating less carbs and I told him this because I wanted to carry it on when I get home and he was really sarcastic about it.

Are these signs or am I just ranting about normal man behaviour?

When I confronted him about the letter which essentially accused me of being unfaithful he said "I know it will always come up" and I keep running through in my head what I would do if he did bring anything up and I would love to just get up and fuck off.

More garbled musings.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 14:52

Aw red I got as far as your first point about the 150 mile round trip before alarm bells started blaring.

Yes he's visciously controlling, I think you see that now? I think deciding on a few things you want to do, like visit your friends, work courses etc, are good. You need a good sit down discussion with him about his behaviour, how unreasonable it is, and how it makes you feel. And that starting from now there will be changes in your relationship if he wants to stay married to you. Do be prepared for him to not listen to a word though.

I think counselling is an excellent suggestion for both of you - however it must be seperate. He has some serious issues he needs to work through! beryl's suggestion of the Madonna/whore complex rings scarily true. He could also just be a cheating, lying arsewipe.

You've actually done brilliantly so far, contacting RL support and taking a few tentative steps towards making changes. And on top of you being posted wherever you currently are - it's not exactly a normal day at the office is it! I wish you all the best and hope you can come through this happier and stronger.

StuntGirl · 05/09/2012 14:56

Xpost with your most recent. No, they're not 'normal' bloke responses, although I think we can safely say your one isn't exactly normal!

Don't delay any changes because you're worried about how he'll cope. Does he show consideration to you when he repeatedly accuses you of cheating, despite no evidence? Does he show you consideration when he makes you do those 150 mile round trips? Where's the consideration when he sends you those nasty letters while you're posted out there? Please yourself now hun, not him. x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2012 15:13

f I don't text him for a while (when we're at home, no mobiles out here) he'll say "why are you ignoring me?" or "what's going on?". Sometimes when we're out if he's drunk he will just be nasty to me for no reason. We were at a function and one of the women there was seeing one of the staff and I told him and he went mad for no reason.
Also, while I've been away I have lost some weight by eating less carbs and I told him this because I wanted to carry it on when I get home and he was really sarcastic about it.

Are these signs or am I just ranting about normal man behaviour?

All are signs of control, certainly NOT normal man behaviour.

You need to remember though that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. His apparant niceness towards you is all part of the nice/nasty cycle but its a continuous one. He will not be able to keep up the facade for long.

Re counselling, yes to having sole counselling for your own self when you have got away from him but DO NOT enter into joint counselling with him.

thefudgeling · 05/09/2012 15:56

no, not normal, and not acceptable. Mine did exactly that texting thing, even after we'd split up (tried to stay friends but now have no contact). It's not fair on you, all of this.

chipmonkey · 05/09/2012 16:41

redrighthand, how would you be dropping him in it? He's a grown up, he can earn his own money! It's not like he's a stay at home parent.

I wouldn't even bother with counselling, tbh. IMO, if a young person ( and you are young!) is in an abusive, controlling relationship, why bother? Get out, have a bit of fun to make up for the time you've wasted with him, and then, assuming you want to, meet someone a bit more chilled who will support your career and be a friend to you. Life's too short to waste!

BerylStreep · 05/09/2012 17:29

Not normal behaviour.

He sounds very needy. And controlling. And has anger issues. It's all about him. He's threatened because you have lost weight, and he feels he is losing control.

Why do you feel the responsibility for the finances? Presumably he has his military pension? I think the best thing you could possibly do is get up and leave him. He's suffocating you.

I went out with a guy when I was 18, for a few years. He was 10 years older than me. God knows why I stuck with him, he was so controlling, it was like going out with my Dad. I wasn't allowed to do anything on my own, he always thought other guys were eying me up, and it was my responsibility to ensure they didn't. He used to make me stand in front of the TV to check that my skirt wasn't see through! He was obsessed that I was going to be sexually assaulted by my dentist. He would put me down in front of other people, and call me stupid. He was also great fun and charming. Why else would anyone bother being with him? I eventually left him because I thought he was seeing someone else. It was fine for him to question me endlessly, but not for me to question him. The realisation dawned on me that even without any proof, the fact that I didn't trust him was enough, and that I didn't have to stay with him. I didn't need his permission to leave. It was like scales fell from my eyes.

Have to go - will finish post in a mo.

BerylStreep · 05/09/2012 18:02

Sorry, back again.

When I think of that guy I went out with, I always wonder why he chose to go out with someone who was 10 years younger than him (and at 18, a 10 year age gap is a lot), and I think it is because he wanted someone who would be pliable and submissive. I was flattered at the time, that he thought I was interesting enough to be with. He also had this thing about having rescued me from being a bit wayward Hmm.

I know you have been married for 2 years, but how long have you been together for? Why do you think he went for someone 16 years younger?

Original poster
redrighthand · 05/09/2012 18:13

We've been together seven years. What you say sounds so familiar. And yes I was flattered and I still am when he's being charming and wonderful which often seems like an act that goes on for other people.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 05/09/2012 21:08

These guys do tend to go for younger women. Easier to control.

thefudgeling · 06/09/2012 09:45

yes they do, I was 18 when I met mine.

thefudgeling · 06/09/2012 09:45

how are you today, red?

Original poster
redrighthand · 06/09/2012 12:23

I'm ok. I'm away somewhere quite far from my normal place of work which is always distracting and he's being lovely. How long does it take to leave? I have a gut feeling that this will be a two or three year plan and not just me leaving... I don't know, so many conflicting thoughts flying around my head.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/09/2012 17:19

It can take as long as you want it to take Red. You could leave as soon as you have somewhere else to go. If a friend could put you up you could leave today. Once the decision is made, the sooner the better is best, imo.

Original poster
redrighthand · 09/09/2012 04:30

So last night I emailed him with general chit chat, there is a rule that is very ambiguous here and I am making a stand about it and have been getting a bit of a hard time. I told him about this and he said
"Yes they probably give you a hard time because they fancy you and you probably wind them up for the attention. I would just do things for a quiet life."

Which isn't true, he would do exactly the same as me. I replied and said thanks for that and he replied and said "I'm just saying how it is".

This has really pissed me off. I don't think i can bring myself to email him again today. I'm so fed up when he was being really nice. Just goes to show doesn't it.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 09/09/2012 05:46

I'm afraid so.

He sounds obsessed about other people fancying you.

Honestly, I couldn't live like that.

janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 11:24

Everything you have written about this man is horrible. All the accusations ('you are winding them up for attention'), the put-downs and nastiness. It reminds me of someone I went out with. But you are waking up and smelling the coffee.

I really wish you luck with this.

Fairenuff · 09/09/2012 11:51

It's good to hear from you again Red Smile

Yes, the nasty-nice-nasty-nice cycle is continuing as predicted and will do so for evermore.

Apart from that, how are you doing?

leguminous · 09/09/2012 12:12

"you probably wind them up for the attention"

Really? Really? Wow.

ladyWordy · 09/09/2012 12:28

Oh, that is classic. How horrible for you, red.

No matter what you do, it somehow becomes about you seeing other men, or other men wanting you. If you went to an all-women group he would very likely say the same thing. I've seen this in action with a friend of mine.

It's really all about you not being there, in his sight, where he can be in control.

This is why they are so attentive, caring and full of 'missing you, where are you' nonsense at the start of the relationship....

NotDavidTennant · 09/09/2012 12:38

To be honest, reading your last post, I'm not sure that this man even likes you. His responses drip with contempt.

Are you a bit of a trophy wife to him? Something to look pretty draped on his arm and to show off about to his mates, but not to value or respect as a person? That's what's coming across to me, anyway.

thefudgeling · 10/09/2012 21:43

Sorry to hear that Red, you need someone supportive who really cares about you, not more stress.

ameliameerkat · 10/09/2012 22:05

I've been lurking, but really, he's a controlling idiot. You need to split from him so you can find some amazing!