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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gone with the condiments

999 replies

LouP19 · 30/08/2012 21:12

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!! Grin

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!! Confused

OP posts:
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 30/08/2012 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 30/08/2012 21:19

Yes it's all staggering, but I would think twice about involving any other parties. This is between you and him - it's nothing to do with his boss. You will make yourself look pathetic, hysterical and vengeful if you do that.

Original poster
LouP19 · 30/08/2012 21:23

I know, I know, it's just one of those thoughts I have at 4am when I can't sleep,.... Sad

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 30/08/2012 21:24

You believed him because he was your DH & you wanted to believe him.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but the annoyance has to be to the twunt for being such a devious lying tosspot not you for wanting it all to be ok.

tara0202 · 30/08/2012 21:27

Try not to be annoyed at yourself Lou. He was/is a deceitful bastard. You can't be expected to be looking for signs of an affair all the time, what kind of relationship would that have been?

I'd be temped to tell the boss too - but you are right, don't do it. You have held the moral high ground so well through this.

littlebluechair · 30/08/2012 21:29

I think there are always signs in hindsight, but if one is naturally a trusting, honest type it can be hard to think the worst of others. Don't transfer one scrap of blame to yourself. But if you think there were times when you let yourself be treated badly, investigate that in time with a counsellor, so the next bloke you pick is a nicer one than Chutney.

chinley · 30/08/2012 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyebluesapphire · 30/08/2012 22:06

It had to be you, it had to be you.... as soon as I saw the title I knew, lol.

It is difficult to see past the crap. I keep going over things too, but at some point you do realise that you will never know the truth or why they did something.

ForeverAutumnNow · 30/08/2012 22:09

Lou, when youve been through an experience like the one youre going through right now, you continue to have "lightbulb" moments for years to come. At first its heartbreaking to realise that the love you gave so readily, was thrown away so easily. As you start to get stronger, you feel angry, not just at him, but at yourself for allowing it. Then one day, someone comes along - and he will! - who will love you as you deserve to be loved, and together you will laugh at the "lightbulb" moments, and think "I must have had sh*t - or in your case, maybe chutney! - in my eyes. I didnt know it was possible to be this happy.

As for telling his boss, it might well impact on you from a financial point of view, if any action were taken against him, so not a good idea, although I`m sure you know that anyway. One of your colleagues could start "rumours" though!

epeesarepointythings · 30/08/2012 22:12

Lou, I think the churning is a horrible part of you grieving for the relationship you thought you had, which you have now lost. It's awful, but it has to be gone through. As long as you make sure you don't let it turn into a 'what if' session, where you start thinking about all the things you 'might' have done for him to 'keep loving you', you'll be all right. Your counsellor should be able to help you deal with these feelings, I think you should probably mention them to her as she will be able to equip you with coping strategies.

The thread title is inspired, as always.

NotGeoffVader · 30/08/2012 22:13

Glad to have found the new thread! And glad that you enjoyed the chilli with peanut butter. I can't remember who mentioned chocolate and rioja as an addition, but I've done that too!

I think it's easy to see the lies and deceit in hindsight, but at the time, you want to believe that you're being told the truth, you want to keep the peace, and you want to have a quiet life. Better that you are at least enlightened as to his utter twuntery than 10 years down the line.

Oh and yes, keep the moral high ground. I am sure that in time, all will be revealed with regard to his true nature; what better way for you to be seen than as the placid, collected and 'rising above it all' wonder woman that you are?
:)

droves · 30/08/2012 22:13

Love the title .

You should not be annoyed at yourself over chutneys lies , I'd bet johnny depp, brad pit and George cluny couldn't lie as convincingly as chutney .

Have to admit , it takes a special talent for bulshit to be that good for so long .

Loup I think your at the dip before your confidence skyrockets , stay strong lass , you've been amazing so far .

ILoveOnionRings · 30/08/2012 22:16

Saw the title and new it was you Smile

Keep being strong Lou - you are doing fabulously!

hopenglory · 30/08/2012 22:18

Keep on keeping on. You'll be in for a series of peaks and troughs, but eventually, it all levels out.

garlicnuts · 30/08/2012 22:32

I agree with Autumn, despite the absence of a Mr Wonderful. Nowadays I still get those moments: oh, THAT'S what he was doing! ... you start to realise seemingly insignificant moments burned themselves into your brain because, under everything else, you brain knew there was something wrong ... and stored them in a special box for a later time, when the knowledge was available for correct evaluation. Blimey, that was a long sentence! Need more beer. Anyway, the self-blame / self reprimand has all gone now. It's just little "Aha!" pieces slotting into the jigsaw. The picture on the jigsaw is of a selfish, woman-hating fraud. Huh.

I had neither the benefit of Mumsnet, nor the fantastic entourage of sane people that has gathered around you. So this may all happen faster for you and that's a Very Good Thing! It makes you a little wiser, and it makes you know yourself a bit better as well as other people :)

Keep remembering to nurture yourself, please!

Beckamaw · 30/08/2012 23:39

Lou,
Ahahaha, love the title!

It's damned soul destroying, isn't it? Everything you believed in and built your life around becomes ashes. I remember that feeling.
Then I met Mr Beckamaw, who was everything my ex wasn't and much better in bed, between you and me.
You never imagine yourself moving on, but it is truly enlightening.

Your first question, to any potential beau, must be: "Do you have a chutney habit?"

BabylonPI · 31/08/2012 00:01

Chocolate and rioja were my additions Blush Grin

Yum yum!

saffronwblue · 31/08/2012 03:00

Lou it is very hard going back through the lies and second guessing and insults to your intelligence. Just remember from now on you are no longer in the madnes. You are surrounded by people who do not lie and who mean what they say. This feeling of congruency and alignment will set you free!
Love the title.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 31/08/2012 03:09

Oh I get the churning thing! You just keep combing over every tiny detail while your eyes burn from lack of sleep and you end up a muddled, confused mess. For I'm having less and less nights like that though. Time helps.

As for Fedora? I keep thinking of the hat..I own a few! Blush I agree with the theory he just thought of the first Italian name he could think of. It's as lame as if I were Chunt shudder goes through very soul, and my OM was in America, when questioned I sad 'Oh him? That's just...Billy-Bob.'

Love the new thread title! I've seen/read Gone With the Wind so many times! I have the biggest crush on Clark Gable. Blush

mathanxiety · 31/08/2012 03:55

Well hello again -

Considering all the churning and the lies and the questions you may never get a straight answer to, it occurs to me Lou that you should have yourself std tested.

DozyDuck · 31/08/2012 06:45

It's natural to go over all the lies but just remember its easier to see things in hindsight. Not so easy when you're living it

sugarice · 31/08/2012 08:32

Morning Lou, hope you slept okay.

moomoo1967 · 31/08/2012 08:56

Morning everyone, caught up after having been away :)

BabylonPI · 31/08/2012 09:44

Hey lou how're you doing this morning? Bit bloody chilly round these parts isn't it!!!

juneau · 31/08/2012 09:54

Fame at last - I named a thread!

I'm guessing he just plucked an Italian name out of the air when you challenged him and perhaps Fedora is someone he met or had just heard of in his dept (or maybe it was just a random guess?). Who knows, but if she's working for a university in Rome she ain't the one shacking up with Twuntface somewhere in England.

Don't beat yourself up about all the times he was being so blatant and you chose to believe his lies. You wanted to believe the best of him - that doesn't make you a dupe - it makes you human. You wouldn't cheat, so you didn't expect that he would either. He's an arsehole. Don't let your brain trick you into taking any blame for his behaviour.