Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Why, thank you.

Athendof a few discreet followings with no intervention is hardly stalking, & not going to raise an eyebrow should he be stupid enough report it to the police. That's IF he notices, he's so self absorbed!!

It's not even a few attempts, the bike pursuit didn't even start because Chunt wasn't where Lou thought he'd be. And the second "pursuit" didn't make it out of the car park.

Hardly harrassment or stalking.

X-posts with recumbent garlicnuts

Garlicnuts, are you always so rude, or do you reserve your misplaced ire for people who have slightly different outlooks?

Chutney would only look in his car mirrors to kiss himself, not to check for Lou following him!

I agree that Lou has more than her dignity and some very good and wise people to help her through. But I am not quite sure much of the cheering here is actually in Lou's benefit.

Garlic, you might have been lucky that the police decided to ignore your stalking, because that is exactly what you were doing, but I can assure you that the police took me very seriously when I complained about something similar my ex was doing. I was immediatly assigned a DA caseworker, police paid a visit to my ex and sent an officer to my house weekly for a couple of months to check there were no further incidents.

From what I can read between lines, Lou's ex is a man of influence, for some stupid reason academics' integrity is always immediatly assumed even when they could be as good or as bad as any other prople. If he goes to police/court to say calmly that he has find himself being followed around by his ex, who have become deranged after he left her for a new woman, they may well take him seriously even when Lou is the victim here and has been behaving in a remarkable sensible way (apart of the car following attempts that is)

There is also getting some random internet woman and her dh to follow him, and some of you have been linking to rl twitter accounts/hunting down academics... But yes. You are all right.

Just to pick up something from upthread - OhDearNigel, I've never been tested for STDs in either pregnancy (DC 2.5y and 20w) and wasn't offered these either.

To change the subject.

Viking, I'm sorry I meant to let you know that I was going to point at your post, ask if it was OK with you first, but I got distracted and didn't. I'm very sorry. It was rude and presumptuous.

Flisspaps, really? I was with every pregnancy. I suppose it depends on your pct. But agree that given his behaviour getting tested would be sensible.

I strongly disagree, my dignity is not all I have. I feel at the moment that I have a great deal, possibly more than I have had during the last 12 months of my life. Suddenly I have a fantastic RL support network, one I was too scared to call on before for fear of revealing that everything wasn't as rosy behind closed doors. I didn't do anything stupid, nor will I.

Some good things have come out of this, I can already recognise this. There already feels like there's a bit of the 'old me' coming out, and I hope that long continues. I would never ever have wanted this to happen to me, but I am trying my best to keep my chin up and remain calm and positive.

Forest winning. . Hope you're all having a nice afternoon!

What I meant is that your dignity is something that he can never take away from you. He has behaved appallingly and you have the moral highground in every way. BUT I would hate to see you lose your dignity, and that highground.

That is all.

You have friends, you are intelligent and funny, but above all, you have acted with dignity.

the police decided to ignore your stalking, because that is exactly what you were doing

According to my ex at the time, they checked me out and ascertained that I was legally parked in my own car, taxed, licensed; listening to the radio and reading. It may have been different if I had a history of violence against her - or anybody - or had threatened her, or anything. But I didn't. I was working through my own distress in my own way. Not stalking.

If Chutney goes to police/court to say calmly [that she's bonkers], he could be required to calmly explain why he picked a lock to take frozen meat and teaspoons from the home he summarily abandoned, read Lou's correspondence and posted gift-wrapped cat food under the gate. That would be interesting - and a waste of public resources.

xpost, Lou! :)

I'm not offended by anything anyone's written this afternoon. . Yesterday might not have been the most rational thing to do, but I've done it, and he sped away, and we were well hidden, doubt very much he saw us. So most of the evening was actually spent eating Dominoes pizza in my friend's car. He will never ever take away my dignity, ever. I am acting out my 'revenge fantasies' at 4am when I can't sleep (and I have lots, trust me......).

I can totally understand the burning desire to track down the chutney thief and to expose him for the spineless, treacherous article that he is.

Maybe this thought might be comforting though:

At some point, the truth will out - could be today, next week, in a couple of months - but he is not going to be able to keep his grubby little actions secret forever.

He and OW could:

bump into Lou in the street
bump into Lou's parents in the street
bump into Lou's friends/colleagues in the street

Lou might bump into acquaintances of him and the other woman in the street and fill them in on the details

OW could get curious about regular letters from Lou's solicitor coming through the door if they are not intercepted in time

Chutney twunt's family know about what has happened and someone might let something slip by mistake

If Lou decides she wants to continue with her pregnancy, once she starts to show, anyone he knows might see her, ask her questions and the gossip reach the OW

He works in the same place as Lou - it might cause raised eyebrows amongst his colleagues

Legal and financial complications he finds himself with could cause OW to ask awkward questions...

etc, etc, etc

Right now, he is kicking back in a very fragile house of cards with very dodgy foundations - and one day soon it is going to come tumbling down

He must know this, but he doesn't know when or how it is going to happen - just that one day it will

Oh dear, poor chap, he must be feeling terribly edgy...

So as much as he seems to be getting away with his new fabricated life, I can't imagine he can be enjoying it very much

Perhaps the fact he hasn't been exposed yet will just prolong the agony for him...

Just a thought :)

Have you checked the electoral roll for the area Lou? He might have changed to his new address, or will do at some point. It's public information I believe.

Yes, Servalan, I agree, the last text he sent me (over a week ago) he was complaining of feeling 'trapped' and 'scared'. So his life is a ticking timebomb.

You mean, went into his own home, checked for post, took things that she (as a vegetarian) wouldn't need and were his, then sent supplies for the pets that they bought together?
Because that's how the police would see it.

We have all been here from the beginning. We know he is a nasty twat. Lou herself says he is charming and intelligent. He's managed to hold onto her for a long enough time, after all.

The definition of stalking.... (from the CPS website)

"There is no legal definition of 'stalking'. Neither is there specific legislation to address this behaviour. Rather, it is a term used to describe a particular kind of harassment. Generally, it is used to describe a long-term pattern of persistent and repeated contact with, or attempts to contact, a particular victim. The behaviour curtails a victim's freedom, leaving them feeling that they constantly have to be careful "

The bolds are mine.

Persistant & repeated contact ??? hardly.....once Lou has the info I'm sure she'll be slipping back into the shadows.

Of course what you did was normal Lou. Its all very well for people to be outraged. Its you in your situation, no one else. I can't fathom why some posters think you should turn yourself into a robot who instantly moves on.

I once set up an e mail address in my ex's name to try and catch him out with an OW, it worked. I then had her work e mail address and so looked it up in the yellow pages (ha ha, this was obviously years ago!) and went to her work and asked for her. When asked who I was I said I was her boyfriends girlfriend. When I had the truth I went to his work and confronted him in front of all his work colleagues.

Rational? No, obviously. I knew that at the time but I was enraged. Made myself look like an idiot? Yep. I dumped the fucker after that and now have a very nice life with a brill DH and my 2 little DC's.

Totally normal Lou. I wish people wouldn't be so judgemental. I really don;t think Lou is going to do anything that gets her into trouble with the police.