Ok, you asked for it...a thread just for the crap men come out with!

[Yogagirl17]

I'll start:

"Of course I want to try to save our marriage. I'll end the affair immediately...but I can still be friends with her, right?"

"I'm not jealous that you've moved on and are dating other men...I'm just concerned for your safety because they are clearly all mad, stalker, paedophiles"

"I'm drunk and horny....sorry I was just sharing my feelings"

I need space and time.. I would like to catch up now and again and stay in touch if that's cool.

whatever my issues you've done nothing wrong it's me..

"I don't know what's wrong with me"

"I don't want to hurt you anymore"

and the all time favourite:

"I love you like a sister"

'I lost your number'
'my cat died'
'did you not get the text I sent you?'

o o o o can I play..how about (12 yrs later re married and a few more kids on his part) Can I take you out on some dates, weekends away etc, be my mistress, she doesnt press my buttons like you used too..

and my personal fave, did you get that phone video of me wanking off at 5 in the morning thinking of you whilst she was up stairs in bed???

err no

"I still quite like you I'm just not sure I love you anymore"

"Sorry I don't check personal emails at work" closely followed by "Sorry I don't check personal emails when I'm not working"

"Of course i won't meet her for coffee if it makes you unomfortable I'll just go to her house and fuck her instead "

Thankfully non of the following were from my DH.

• I didn't mean to do it, it just happened, I love you.
• you can't break up with me, well good luck finding someone else to put up with u
• I didn't mean to push u down the stairs (the fucker only did it once, trust me)
• (on xmas day) I didn't get u anything coz I couldn't think of anything u want. It's your birthday in March I'll get you something then.

I have more but don't want to rant

i dont care if the hospitals been demanding you go in now, who the fuck books an inducement for 6 anyway on a fucking friday, Ive got deliverys still to do.

got there for midnight, midwives were gobsmacked.

rant away bubalou

'I married you, didn't I?'

'But I thought women enjoyed housework!'

'You're always nagging me.'

XH, needless to say.

duffy - as soon as I posted that I remembered some more crackers.

• why do women like you carry so much weight on the tops of their legs (when I was a size 8-10)!
• I prefer u not to wear make up but u look better with it on

And my personal favourite!!!

• "I didn't sleep with her we just kissed, I swear on your life - I love you.

So i phone her from his phone right in front of him (she was my best friend btw) & tell her that he's told me everything, she apologises & said they never meant for it to go that far & they only slept together once) i calmly hang up & proceed to walk over to the window and throw his mobile out of it. Pick up my bag, empty my drawer of belongings & tell him to kindly go fuck himself - or her, either way he wouldn't be touching me again!

Thank god for my lovely, gorgeous, sweet, sexy, honest DH. (husband brag) I deserve it after some of my ex's.

Does it matter if I never say I love you. I'm still here am I not.

'It would help if you weren't ill so often.'

'Why haven't you washed up?' (with a week-old newborn)

'Why can't you sit/walk up properly?' (When I had an epidural)

A 'friend' when asked why he did not help me after I fell and dislocated my knee and was rolling on the ground in agony crying (he walked away and left me) 'I don't like needy women'

'You're scared of life, aren't you?' (assorted teenage/young 20s knobs when I was that sort of age. I even had an automatic translation for it - 'You won't let me have sex on you, which means there is something wrong with you'.)

'You think you're so tough, but underneath all that there's a frightened little girl' - (You fucking wish, arsehole!)

I only change wet nappies. Not the other sort.

No I cant come and pick you up from hospital its still busy here own business and enough staff to cope

Had gall bladder out, wanted to know if i could stay in there another day, got home eventually and had to make the bed up myself because it had been stripped, before I could lay down and cry.

I've noticed the housework has slipped a bit....
Sometimes crack, you just have to bite the bullet and lose the weight (few weeks after traumatic emcs when I could hardly push the pram
Let alone go for a run.

You will never understand until you take drugs with me...

Me: I'm not coming back. It's over for good.
Him: Oh.... Will you marry me?
Me: NO!
Him: Why not?

delilah - love it!

Ok, heres' one from my sweet but slightly misguided father before I had DC1 - "Childbirth doesn't hurt, it's just quite uncomfortable". And you know this how...?

Whilst I was waiting for an ambulance "Well, I hope you've found a babysitter....."
(Ex, obviously...)

Oh and another cracker.
Me: My Grandfather's funeral is on Wednesday.
Him: Oh well, that's not my day to have Ds....

Me: 'Why were you taking that big knife to Thailand? '
Him: 'In case I lived in a hut and needed it to cook with.'
Me: 'And what about that copy of The Aeneid by Virgil, what the heck was that for?'
Him: 'I wanted something to read'

What you need is another baby.

I have no idea where to start with that one.

Seriously, given that he had a psychotic breakdown after DS's birth, I had left him 4months previous, Relate said that we should not ever be together again, I told him we were over, the next door neighbour who knew both sides of the story was present and gawping.

Im glad baby doesn't look like you this time.
I need a medal for putting up with you.
I believe you were once dropped head first.
Going on a first date with makeup on for girls is cheating.
You are much uglier inside.