thank you, you are all just incredibly lovely to take the time to post.
yoga I think it's always just been on the back-burner. I've been bad/wrong in telling myself for the last two years or so , 'alright, he doesn't fancy me, he's wrong 
I do still fancy him, but that's OK, I can kind of bury that in order to be friends' Of course that has had it's difficulties. We've got a lot closer and seen a lot more of each other over the last couple of months. that has kind of prompted the recent 'frenzy/honeytrap' because i recognise it isnt healthy, i need to sort things out and giving myself a time limit on that (end September-ish) has helped me focus. I'd probably be reasonably happy to keep things as they are, but i do recognise that that isnt healthy.
sponge thank you darling, that is kind. :)
Taghain oo, hello. well he is very insecure, rubbish self esteem, suffers depression and the libido thing is a known side effect of his medication. my particular brand of low-self-esteem results in me thinking it's ridiculous that anyone would ever actually want me for my body anyway- except the prof seems to.
scatty on paper yes. the prof is fab. tall, handsome, very intelligent, really funny, communicative. however - it's a fling - he wants kids I probably don't/won't/can't. There is absolutely no question of me falling in love with him (not only PM-based) - it is 80% kinky fuckery (and by that I mean ridiculously kinky) I don't feel cherished. I feel a bit whore-ish tbh.
leuji I know. Not healthy in the slightest. I dont feel like I am acting particularly well when I have this 'hidden' agenda. With regards to dating others, I try every so often, I do compare men to PM and they come out wanting and so I drop them. I try to move on and end up circling back. I think I either need to work on acceptance that we won't be a couple and remain friends or jump him. The question of cutting him out because we're not 'together' just isn't a possibility.
we had a conversation a while ago - I said I had only really ever dated friends who became lovers - i liked to get to know someone before an intimacy develops. He thought this ridiculous - very visual, knows if he fancies someone straight off. Months pass. We were talking on tuesday about how people fall in love, how we both enjoyed that feeling of intimacy and shared experience - he said it was akin to marmite. You don't particularly think of marmite as nice, one day you wake up and theres a jar in your cupboard and you just think it's the best thing ever. sometimes i have no idea whether he is doing this on purpose whether he thinks my previously rather clumsy attempts to seduce him have just...gone away or my feelings have changed (yes, yes they have - they've got worse) whether he is, in fact an idiot and it will never work out because he is an actual idiot.
Anyway, he's away this weekend which gives me even more sodding thinking time. Let's talk about you for a change, because as has rightly been pointed out, this is doing my head in. (and of course not talking about things makes everything so much better...)