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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

426 replies

Blackberryinoperative · 29/08/2012 10:30

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

OP posts:
ninjasquirrel · 29/08/2012 13:53

The bottom line is that he is not sorry for hitting you in the face. You can't just leave it as if nothing happened.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 29/08/2012 13:54

Call the police. Tell them what happened, and that you are afraid that it might again when he returns. Request that they send someone to support you, when he comes home and you ask him to pack his bags.

Is it a rented house? Who is on the tenancy agreement?

Does he have family around? Might they be supportive?

BlackberryIce · 29/08/2012 13:55

You report it to the police, speak to women's aid. You are saying it will escalate? With kids in the house, this can't be left.

Many of us have fled with dc in tow. I was in a refuge with 4 dc. Best thing I ever did..... And now in their teens,, the dc agree with me

AvonCallingBarksdale · 29/08/2012 13:55

*Im shocked at this thread tbh. Since when did we skirt over the fact that the OPs DH HIT HER and seems to think she deserved it (sound like every other abusive DH?)

FFS how many people have lashed out and smacked or sworn at their children or is everyone on this thread suddenly the perfect parent 24/7 and never made a mistake? This OP was assaulted FFS. Pot, kettle, black on MN today*

No-one's skirting over the fact that the OP's DH hit her! But why does that mean we're supposed to brush under the carpet the fact that the OP smacks her child? Was the child not assaulted then, or does it not count if it's an adult hitting a child Hmm The OP is being agressive towards posters who are offereing advice. She is in a terrible situation. Someone else upthread said that what OP's DH did is a world away from OP smacking her DD. Why is it? Because "that's how some people parent"? What utter crap. I'm not in the business of making a fragile woman feel worse, but I'm not going to ignore the fact that she's hit her child and made references to wishing her DH could feel like she did.

PooPooOnMars · 29/08/2012 13:55

AbitwobblynowWed Please get a copy of that wonderful child rearing book by Penelope Leach.

What's the book called?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 29/08/2012 13:55

bold fail ^^

BlackberryIce · 29/08/2012 13:56

ninja they will send someone from the dv unit round.

AlexanderS · 29/08/2012 13:57

Haven't read all of the thread but in the bit I've read you've been brave admitting your mistakes OP.

And your OH has behaved atrociously.

It sounds like you don't bring out the best in each other.

I wish you the best of luck getting it all sorted out. And second the people who've suggested ringing Women's Aid - they are great and for all women, even those who feel their case isn't "serious" enough, and it's all completely confidential. Ring them and unburden yourself.

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 13:57

Report him to the police

He is the one who started the war, never forget that

You could try to speak to Women's Aid before you call the police, they can tell you what will happen, what your rights are, whether you can get a protection order, etc.

You may want to go to the GP as soon as possible though, so that your nose can be checked and there is some evidence of assault.

I'm sorry you don't have family to support but there are other sources of support out there. If you feel like you can say where you are perhaps people can recommend specific places.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/08/2012 13:58

Who can I report him to?

The police. Ask to speak to someone from their domestic violence unit.

dreamingbohemian · 29/08/2012 13:59

Do you have any friends that could be supportive?

Justme23 · 29/08/2012 14:02

OP it seems to be you are only replying to the odd negative posts out of two pages of positives?

Some people have varying degrees of opposition towards smacking, deal with it, you smack they don't.

Maybe start conversing with the people actually trying to HELP and ADVISE you.

amillionyears · 29/08/2012 14:08

op,I dont think you answered whether he has hit you before?

It seems that you do not want to report him,or go to Womens Aid.And you have nowhere else to go,and maybe him neither.Have neither of you got any friends at all that you could go to,or relatives,so that the situation can be calmed down,so that you both can have a think about what to do next.

rainbowinthesky · 29/08/2012 14:08

OP - I think you need to go back and read Anyfucker's post. She said it pretty much all that needed to be said. I am not sure why you reacted the way you did to it. Maybe it touched a nerve as you know deep down she is right?

Houseofplain · 29/08/2012 14:08

He hit you whilst breast feeding. Unforgivable.

You "dragged your child and hit her". Unforgivable.

I don't know who is the most toxic to the kids. Honest opinion.

Offred · 29/08/2012 14:09

But op, you want DH to say sorry and understand what he did to you was wrong. What you say about what you did to dd is basically "i'm under a load of pressure and she was being rude and had plenty of warning" is that not exactly what your DH is thinking about hitting you?

Ok, you say you know it wasn't right but you aren't taking responsibility for it, just like he isn't taking responsibility for what he is doing/has done. I don't think he has to, the problem is that actually neither of you hold anybody responsible for their physical violence not him and not you. In your behaviour at least, you are saying violence is a perfectly understandable reaction to bad behaviour/rudeness providing you know it is wrong/say sorry. But you don't actually take any steps to change it which is how you show your really are sorry and think it is wrong.

It really isn't a disagreement about parenting styles smacking in anger is illegal.

porcamiseria · 29/08/2012 14:10

Oh FFS she gave a naughty little girl a smack on the leg

she did not assult her!!!

jesus....

and she said she feels bad

does noone ever smack their kids every once in a while? really?

rainbowinthesky · 29/08/2012 14:11

"OP, your husband is an aggressive person

You are an aggressive person

Your kids will grow up to be aggressive people

I think the only way you can stop this cycle repeating itself is to separate from your H and seek immediate help with your own anger issues

Yoiu are not listening though, are you ?"

Quote from anyfucker - I cannot for the life of me see what was incorrect with it.

Proudnscary · 29/08/2012 14:11

Where are all these 'nasty' comments on this thread I keep reading about?! Confused.

They didn't come from AnyFucker - I don't always agree with her views but I totally respect the consistency, concern, care, wisdom and directness she always offers. I feel she's been singled out and her words twisted.

No-one was saying OP's kids should be taken off her or if they did I have genuinely missed those comments - OP kept saying it herself and claiming posters were saying she deserved to be hit.

Yes OP needs support and she was getting that support from the off.

OP I agree with others that you are overwhelmed and in an unhealthy relationship. Of course you love your children and are doing your best. But you are worn down and have had bad roles models. And your h has hit you while you held your baby.

Offred · 29/08/2012 14:12

I'll say it again. I don't think you are the worst mum in the world. I think you are most likely a pretty good mum otherwise he wouldn't be happy to swan off to work.

However that doesn't mean you don't need some support to get away from him and learn some better ways to deal with your dcs. There isn't actually anything wrong with that either, every parent ever needs some help with some things at some point. It is hard to accept but good parents are the ones who recognise this eventually and do something about it.

theQuibbler · 29/08/2012 14:12

I think you need help which is far beyond the scope of an internet forum. You sound angry and defensive which is understandable, but proper help can?t be dispensed online by a bunch of strangers and may well make things worse for you.

The best thing that you could do is to visit your GP and explain your circumstances. They will be able to refer you to a proper counsellor who can actually give you constructive ways to deal with your emotions and behaviour.

You don?t have to make any decisions about leaving your marriage yet or any other big life-changing decisions. When it seems overwhelming, it is best to break things down into smaller, mor manageable chunks. As an interim measure you could try Women?s Aid who are truly non judgemental and may be able to help you figure a way through this. Family Lives is a charity that offers free counselling about family issues familylives.org.uk/0808 800 2222.

I hope that you do contact someone that is trained to help. Best of luck.

naturalbaby · 29/08/2012 14:14

The incident with your DD is a sign that you need a break and some help.
The incident with your DH is a sign that your relationship needs work and you both need to communicate better.
You can get help for both issues, but you need to go see someone like a GP or HV or Relate.
You can't just sit back and blame your DH and do nothing yourself. Don't make excuses - I've done it myself (I can't/no money/no time/no help/no support etc etc).

AlexanderS · 29/08/2012 14:15

Offred, I imagine the OP's self-esteem is on the floor right now. You can get to a point where you've had so much criticism you can't take any more on board, constructive or otherwise. She's said she knows she's in the wrong. Thinking about all the ramifications of that will come later when she's picked herself up a bit.

delilahlilah · 29/08/2012 14:17

OP the war started the first time he hit you. I don't think this was the first time, I think this is an escalation.
You say you are a young Mum under pressure, but have you considered that he is the pressure?
There is a lot of help and support out there. I know you are afraid of the repercussions of reporting him, but the police will take this seriously. You need tell the police of anything he has threatened you with. They will take action OP, and they will protect you if you keep them in the loop. Women's Aid will also protect you and your children.

PooPooOnMars · 29/08/2012 14:17

He sounds like arsehole, going on at you about what a terrible mum you are but not helping. Having someone like that around is going to make you much more tense and stressed.

As for his hitting you, there is no excuse. Was it a punch or a slap? Are you bruised? Has he done it before?

So you've smacked your children a few times? Lots of people have done that and then gone on to find other ways of dealing with their children. I did a few times, not enough to leave a mark but i felt horrendous and devastated about it.

I've since done cbt for anger management which helped me work out why i was always so tense (and so more likely to deal with things in an angry way) and to change my behaviours. I think that would be a good idea for you.