DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Why AF is getting it in the neck I do not know well I do but a big fat yawn to that Did she call the OP a child abuser? Or say that she feels sorry for her children (the traditional MN smackdown)?

No.

For the record OP I have been in a domestic violence relationship. Leaving made a world of difference to my relationship with my DC because I was happier. I didn't leave the first time, my ex was apologetic "It'll never happen again, I'll change ... " etc, but it wasn't the case and in the end I did leave. It wasn't ideal because he refused to leave the flat, kept all the furniture etc, but if I could go back and change anything I would just have left sooner.

OP, people ARE trying to help you. Every single poster has told you that what he did is totally unacceptable, that you desere better and should do something about it. But every suggestion is met with excuses not to act and an obsession that everyone's telling you are a child abuser and should give your children to SS, when nobody has said anything of the sort. Yes, people have called you on your own aggression towards your children, but nobody's suggested that that means you should stay or that his behaviour was okay. Just because your mother failed to protect herself and you from violence, doesn't mean you are destined to repeat history, sweetheart. You CAN do something. Things are much better than they used to be for women in your situation (not as good as they should be, but better than when you were a child).

If your Dh can hit you whilst you breastfeed a child in bed, then he is dangerous. It is worryingly out of control. He also sounds very controlling and dismissive of you in other ways, which are all red flags.Your children need you to protect them and get them away from this man. They do not need to learn to be abused or to abuse in the future, which is what staying will create. Break the cycle your mother could not. I bet that your own parenting flaws will improve or even disappear once you're not having to put up with his shit.

Everyone saying AF should stop giving advice, what advice do YOU give. I haven't seen any yet. Just a wishy washy 'counselling' suggestion..... There is very little available these days, and waiting lists are very long.

Just to add, the reason I think counseling would be helpful is that it is possible to 'un-learn' aggressive responses and feelings (I think CBT might be good for this).

You can see on this thread, OP, that when you were feeling attacked, you responded somewhat aggressively. And when you think about it, that's not entirely irrational! Especially if that's what you are used to.

The problem obviously is that it can also be counterproductive, and just keep a whole cycle of problems going. Counseling can teach you lots of mental tricks to shut down those impulses, it's really helpful.

But you would absolutely need physical space from your husband while you work through things.

The OP came on here feeling 'attacked' in RL. Sometimes the content or tone of posts can be misinterpreted. I'm sure she will go back over the thread when she's feeling a little calmer and when she does she will probably find things read a little differently.
I don't think anyone should stop giving advice - but the bickering and taking sides really does need to stop or take it to private message. I really don't want to see the OP scared off when she's in a higher risk relationship.

Well sais Oxford - I wish there was an agree / disagree function for posts akin to 'liking'!

said*

Sorry. Voilence is wrong full stop. From him to you, you to him of either of you to the children

and ^I know telling him to fuck off while I was breastfeeding was horrid, but he does wear me down and interrogate me, usually starts a discussion as I am trying to wind the baby down for sleep. We were in bed, baby was dozing and it's not fair.

^

" I know I shouldnt have hit her BUT......."

can you not see the similarities?

'but from you ? Who do you think you are ?'

I am someone who is telling you something you don't want to hear. No more, no less.

What you choose to do with that feedback is not my problem. But you have such good advice AF, why pile into someone who is new and fragile. Why not put them at their ease and then when they are stronger, say what needs saying?

That's all I am saying.

Offred: animals, dogs and people, when they are feeling vulnerable threatened and cornered, bite. It isn't rocket science you know.

Blackberry, counseling is not wishy-washy -- it saves lives. It helps women get out of abusive relationships. It's pretty powerful stuff.

The fact that it's hard to access is another matter entirely. Depending on where the OP is, it may not be that hard to access (there are charities, it's not just the NHS) and the sooner you get on a waiting list, the sooner you get help.

OP are you possibly getting so emotional because there are a lot of home truths being doled out on this thread amongst the general bullshit?

Look you say you love your kids, do something then. Stop making excuses because there is ALWAYS a way. You are not a poverty stricken ethiopian with aids who lives 400 miles from the closest shanty town, you live in a country full of resources to deal with exactly what you are going through.
You have a choice but your children don't. You may think feeling guilty is acceptable but it is not enough for your children.

I doubt you will listen but I hope you do.

If you carry on living this way the likelihood of your children following in your footsteps is almost definite.

It's a toxic environment and children believe it or not pick up EVERYTHING.

You have had an awful lot of brilliant advice on this thread and if you truly do love your children then take heed and save them.

Take it from someone who has been clearing up the mess from families like yours for too long, this won't end well.

I don't think the two things can be separated entirely because as I and others have said the source of both things may be the op having a belief that people deserve to be hit. Which i think is why she doesn't understand that her losing it and hitting her dc is exactly the same as her DH hitting her and that both are unacceptable. Which is why people are talking about them. I don't think the advice on this thread has been too different to other threads.

The two issues are separate but I think both are held back by the same problem; that the op has grown up around violence and doesn't see it as a serious problem. The comment about her mother going to a safe house and going back so she wouldn't leave was really because the problem there was not the leaving but the going back.

Sorry that was to BlackberryIce not the OP

1. Report assault to police.
2. Contact women's aid.
3. Could you go to your parents? Or a best friends house?
4. Once you and DC safe, see a solicitor
5. Surestart or health visitor will have details of parenting courses.

Your DC cannot grow up afraid of their parents. You are their mother, protect them FFS.

That comment to me was irrelevant wobbly. So some people deal with feeling attacked by being aggressive

If an adult punched you in the face when you were feeding your baby in the park, what would you do? In a cafe? Anywhere else? You'd report them to the police. And this is what you must do, to protect yourself and your children.

Is your DH manipulative? Could he be building a portfolio of information to present to make you out to be abusive? If so, then reporting this incident to the police is the best thing you could do. They will support you.

I know it's hard not to get wound up, but everyone on this thread is trying to be supportive in their own way. Try to keep that in mind.

Good luck. :)

Op
I don't think you deserve a pasting on here.
I just want to mention something.
Your children will not be removed because you have slapped your child. It isn't illegal although it is not condoned.
However your children can be removed if they are are deemed at significant risk. This risk includes emotional abuse and children who witness domestic abuse are pretty much always classed at risk.

They won't be taken because he hit you. SS will be interested when they find out he is hitting you. Because he will keep doing it and someone is going to find out.

What he did is not normal. It's heinous.

Please get out of this relationship

If this isn't logged with the police then ' it didn't happen'

That's what you will find when you are battling in court over the children. And you have already predicted that he will leave you. When CAFCASS speak to your children alone ( and this is what they do) what will their take be on all this? It will count.

Log it with police..... It happened

Who owns the house? Jointly? A free half hour with a solicitor will give you some idea on the legalities

agree with some of the other posts, you need to do something. considering how young your baby is, and that you are having discipline problems with your older DD i would start with your HV. you should be able to phone and just ask for her to pop by for a chat.

if you feel comfortable with her you could then report your H's assault on you to her and ask for support in contacting the police. if that's not what you end up wanting to do the least you could ask for is a referral to a parenting course.

the other option would be to phone a helpline such as womens aid and just talk through what happened and what your options are.

i wanted to pick up on one of your comments about social services not being interested because you are middle class, your kids are fed, etc. i'm afraid social services would take violence in the home very seriously - no matter how clean your children's clothes are or how well you feed them, children shouldn't have to live in an environment where either they or someone who cares for them is being assaulted.

OP...if you have taken anything from your upbringing...I imagine this is exactly where your strong sense of right and wrong comes from, why you are defensive and maybe argumentative at times...especially if you are feeling constantly belittled and critisized by your DH and the differences that lie between you are so apparent.
Emotional abuse can be a much more debilitating situation to cope with than many others imo and before your DH hit you I think he has been putting you down and making you feel so bad about everything...that there is a part of you that has started to believe his words and they hurt your very core...but we end up taking it and being passive and tolerant and think maybe we deserve it ....it's a very complex thing and very difficult to turn around...

Tbh it's no surprise to me that you feel you on the edge of things, very stressed and thinking so badly of yourself that you are contemplating that you deserved to be hit by your DH like this....it's what he has made you feel so so long and he's made you begin to believe it in some way....

I'm glad you were trying to defend yourself by telling him to f off....but in reality...you really do need to tell him to f off.... if you are ever going to stop this cycle and damage ....especially now that things are escalating and unfortunately you lost it for a few moments and hit your DD....it is a clear and present message that you can not continue as you are in these circumstances

You need some support, but really what you need is to feel more positive and capable and the good mother that you are to be present all the time for her DC's....you can't do this without support and making changes to your life....

Really I want to advise you to take whatever steps you can towards changing the environment you have ....and I think deep down you know what you need to do...
Make contact with Womens Aid...they can support and advise you in so many ways and you can begin to take steps towards things getting better for you and especially your DC's....you do not want your DC's being brought up and witnessing this toxic home which you know will not get any better...and will likely actually get much worse if you stay.....

Keep talking OP...you are not alone (hug) x

OP....

I am so sorry to read this thread, both what happended and what people have said in some cases

I do really agree with what loopy said however

If a stranger did this, you would be rightly up in arms!

but as he has made you feel like shit, I almost read like you think you bought it on yourself? I dont mean that critically!!!! I just read that he makes you feel very shit

I do NOT condone any of the nasty shite posted on here

I do hope that if nothing else you can get strong and build up your self esteem

as only when that is in place can you think how to handle this

I am actually enraged by the comments on here, what perfect perfect people eh..

GOOD LUCK

So much good advice OP.

Has he by any chance been telling you that if you leave he will get the children? Don't listen to anything along those lines, It's a scare tactic. You can leave him, and you can get the help you need but you do need to report the incident for your own safety.

I'm sorry, I did not attack my dd. I stood her up and smacked her leg. Wrong, but not vicious and not without warning. I know I need to find another way to deal with bad behaviour.

I refuse to be painted as a child attacker/abuser whatever. I am a young mum with some serious pressure on me.

My mum is dead and my dad is not around, I don't have anywhere to help/take the kids to.

I just feel like crying knowing he will waltz in tonight expecting everything to be fine. I'm really hurt inside. Who can I report him to? He will get nasty I know it. He will not take it as a cue to start working together before it's too late. It will be the start of a war.

I can see why going to the police sounds scary. I think those who are suggesting the OP do that should give her some idea what would happen next.

The next step down, rather than doing nothing, is to ask him to stay with family or friends for a bit. OP, do you think you could do that?

I think that if you ask GP / HV / Children's centre for some parenting support, as well as helping you deal with situations you find difficult, it might give you confidence that you're not actually a shit parent and you're doing a lot of things right already - it's just that parenting is a difficult job!

Could relationship counselling help - I don't know, but it might mean your H has to listen to your side a bit more rather than just coming across that it's all your fault.

Whatever you do, don't panic and give up. Pick one thing to do today and that will be a step forward.