DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Might be a massive leap, but a log with the police could help her massively one day when residency is a real issue. For those of us who have been there, a little foresight now, means no need for hindsight later

But, for now, medical attention?

Poopoo I know. I don't just want sorry. I want heartfelt commitment to change for our family. I think I'm on to a loser though.

I want heartfelt commitment to change for our family.

OP: This was what I was referring to in my post.....

I don't think it's broken blackberry ice, I can wriggle it and breathe through it. It feels twice the size though not a good thing

So I just spoke to him on the phone. He chit chatted about the day. I told him in a calm voice that my face really hurt and I was having to take tablets and I was really really upset.

He said, I know, I have texted you (my blackberry is currently not working properly, hence nickname). I said I didn't get it.

He said "but you overreact to the children"

I said, you were sat there, you could of helped me.

He said "it's nothing to do with me, it was your argument"

Then he said he had to go and put the phone down.

So, no heartfelt apology and it clearly hasn't ruined his day.

He said "it's nothing to do with me, it was your argument"

For heaven's sake, is he a parent or what? He's not stepping up and is delegating responsibility......

What is the rest of the story? I mean presumably you were having a row to have said what you said three times.
Hitting you in the face is not acceptable, but it sounds like there is more to this than you are telling us.

He feels entitled to hit you is the problem. Do you feel he is entitled to hit you?

Can you get to the doctors?

Maybe go, if you can, tell them what happened. If you are in pain you should get it looked at.

Blackberry, I dont agree with the people who are giving you a hard time on this thread.

what I will say is that if you think you are going to have to fight for custody you need to start preparing your 'case' NOW.

Report the assault and make sure their is photographic evidence. Keep a diary of all abuse (including emotional). Dont give him ammunition against you even if it means letting the kids be naughty for a while.

Pop to the Drs for some help with your nose. Tell them what happened so it's on record there even if you don't think calling the Police is the best solution right now.

Well dizzy, after dd and I had sorted things out, we had a kiss and cuddle, then I went to take the baby to bed. I fell asleep with the baby. Dd came in to say goodnight when DH brought her up to bed. Dd went off to bed. I went down, got myself a drink then DH and I decided to go to bed. I was annoyed because he woke the baby when coming to bed. It started an exchange of words about me stomping up the stairs etc. he basically began reeling off his standard spiel about my shortcomings as a mum etc. I was really not in the mood for this and told him to fuck off. He carried on, I said it again and he made a quick move like he was going to grab me or swing for me. He said not to say it again. I said it. I said he could not tell me what to say or do. He whacked me in the face. Then said some more standard criticisms and turned over and went to sleep.

He said "but you overreact to the children"

That's all wrong! All wrong!

He actually thinks that his hitting you is justified because you were doing something he didn't agree with. Its NEVER justified!

That is completely dysfunctional!

Perhaps he grew up with screwed up ideas about this (as did you) but you can't teach him that it is never acceptable to hit another person in the face, because he'll always say "but you were . . . "

Im not sure you even realise how wrong it is.

I think you both need counselling to deal with what you were exposed to as children. Him so he learns that there is no excuse to hit your partner in the face, and you so you learn that no one else is ever justified at hitting you in the face.

Only when you learn how wrong it is will you feel that you deserve better.

Just read your last post.

He is so damaged. He thinks its fine to reel off criticism of your parenting to get at you, to threaten you, to then go through with it and hit you, to slag you off some more and then to roll over and go to sleep because he thinks he was perfectly justified.

He is so damaged that i truly believe you have to get out.

Does he remind you of your step dad?

I know it's wrong, but I also know the impulses. Having a short fuse myself :(

I knew I really shouldn't have kept telling him to f off. He hates swearing. I suppose I was button pushing. Stupid of me.

But he never realises that criticising my parenting is one of my major triggers, I feel it so deeply. Or maybe he does and that's why he does it :(

Op, you say you have seen violence and then it all being brushed under the carpet and that your entire childhood revolved around such horror. And then you say you would forgive him in a heartbeat if he would just apologise.

Can you not see that this is EXACTLY the attitude that meant that you had to witness and experience terrible things as a child and act as though they were normal?! If you stay, whether you forgive him or not, whether you get that apology or not, you will be creating that terrible childhood you had for your own children. It's not your fault that the family must split up now, it's his, but you cannot stay. The time to wish things were different is over. Your mother waited around for things to improve and they didn't. She got apologies and the abuse continued. You must be stronger than she was.

Also, please do not minimise what he did or make it okay by saying you are violent too. His hitting you comes from him being damaged and an abuser and CHOOSING to be violent to be the one with the power. Whilst I do not approve of smacking children, ever, you cannot accept his hitting you because you hit them. The time for wanting things to be different.

My dh hates swearing as well and i can have a bit of a potty mouth. He's never hit me because of it though.

There is on excuse.

I have a bad temper too but have never hit my partner. Do you hit him?

I also agree that you should report it to get it on record.

I know it is wrong but I also know the impulses having a short fuse myself

this is what I've been banging on about I suppose. You don't understand that it is wrong properly (who could blame you really?). You think you deserve it even though you think it is wrong.

You weren't stupid, you're worn down and it's bloody hard work looking after a baby and toddler. My relationship went through the mill when I was going through that phase and I did push DH's buttons a lot (understatement!) but he walked out to get some space so we could both calm down. We then talked it through and agreed we needed to work together, not against each other.
You both need space to think about what happened and what is going to happen now.

Did you go out for a walk? It's raining like Monsoon season here, my dc's are climbing the walls!

Just got Welles on (DH interrupted us with phone call) but its now started raining again. We want to pick blackberries. Just seeing if it eases off as I can't be arsed to get rain over out car

He is not getting any tea. I have pâté and ciabatta although wine would be a very bad idea.

Natural baby he always bloody starts at bedtime, when neither of us will back down so we can go for a walk and calm down! If he started arguments when we were still dressed and downstairs I would happily give it some space and let us both calm down. He would probably go down the garden or something.

But there's something about arguing quietly in our bedroom with baby next door that just makes us so nasty. We are both tired and worn out, lots going on st the moment.

There are no excuses he lashed out and really hurt me and I'm very very angry about it. But also at myself.

But why at yourself? He hit you in the face.

I normally avoid DV threads as I have zero experience but this is a grown woman HIT IN THE FACE by a GROWN MAN. There is no excuse and, from what I have read on these threads, it will probably happen again. It sounds like the provocation was minimal. To try to equate this with a smack ON THE LEG to a seven year old, after several warnings, is grotesque. Is there some MN rule that smacking trumps DV?!

The OP needs good support and lots of it. It sounds to me as if she is a great mother to small children, despite what she says, and the worst experience the children will have had to date will be witnessing their mother HIT IN THE FACE BY HER PARTNER.

OP, there seem to be people with experience and knowledge of dealing with DV. I would listen to them and ignore the parenting advice. You were confident in your parenting skills until you were hit. Being hit in the face and a bunch of internet randomers has zero effect on your parenting skills, which implies that you should still have confidence in yourself as a parent.

so what are you going to do about it????