DH hit me in the face last night and he's not sorry.

[Blackberryinoperative]

My DH hit me in the face last night while I was breastfeeding our baby. He is not sorry. He says he has "forgiven me" for our argument, why can't I forgive him?

I told him he is not forgiven. I am really angry at him but the worst thing is he is not sorry. He doesn't think he was wrong. He did it because I told him to fuck off three times. He warned me to stop saying it but I carried on. He says swearing in front of the children is just as tantamount to violence as hitting.

I am not a weak person or an apologist but I really am nonplussed as to how to take it from here. Separating will be hell on earth. Not because we are so in love or anything but just logistically things will be a complete nightmare. How do I make him see he was wrong to hit me? And that swearing sometimes does not a bad parent make?

Sweetheart, ignore the posters who are commenting on your parenting skills, 90% of people here ( myself included ) have delivered a quick small slap onto a misbehaving child, we are only human and sometimes we break.

The real issue here is your husbands behaviour, he HIT you, now that's unforgivable, but he hit you whilst you where nursing your baby, for that there are no words.

You sound soooo sad and helpless, you can build yourself up you know, start by realising that your relationship isn't healthy, baby steps, is he at work? If so phone the police, tell them what has happened, tell them you want it logged, they will give you a crime number, you will feel empowered after this, and maybe a bit stronger.

What do you want to happen? Do you want him to leave?

( sending you a big warm cuddle )

Garlic I am shocked, you have them all exactly right.

Except my dad is mainly absent and emotionally unavailable and my stepdad was the angry abusive one. Very very abusive.

His dad is a rubbish male role model, absolutely crap.

Rabbit - that's why I am talking about it because I think it is her own attitude to violence that is stopping her doing something about it. It is connected. Hitting is ok as long as you are sorry. The problem/right thing is not the being sorry it is the hitting. We're all banging on about the hitting being wrong but I'm not sure this is really actually understood by the op, what the op had said is he has hit her and he is not sorry and that she has hit her dd and is sorry and that the two things are totally different (one is not a problem and the other is). The differences she articulates are she gave dd fair warning and he didn't warn her and she is sorry for hitting dd and he isn't sorry for hitting her.

I don't think she has accepted what is actually wrong here so we are all saying he has hit you it is wrong, you would be better off without him and could do with some support and she is hearing "they think we are abusers, we are not abusers, I want him to apologise".

Good to see there are a lot more posts addressing H's bullying.

Yes, Blackberry, this would make you fly off the handle especially when attck is your usual form of defence. I don't think you should accept his evaluation of you or your parenting! He's doing it to try and make you 'quiet', it seems to me :(

Blackberry please report his assault on you to the police.

I don't think you're a bad parent. I think you sound stressed and exhausted and miserable and like someone who's been in a hard place for so long that you've lost sight of how things could or were meant to be.

How about ringing Women's Aid, while he's out, right now just for advice? Tell them exactly what you said in your OP about him punching you in the face whilst feeding your baby. See what they say. They are the experts, not us loads of random women on tinternet. But I BET you they will see it as serious, and offer you advice and support to make changes.

This doesn't have to be your future. This doesn't have to be your children's future. But you need to make choices to change things.

One little step at a time, hey?

Sorry, I missed the step-dad bit!

Offred you have hit the nail on the head. It's the lack of sorry. I have seen violence and sorry afterwards, we all went home and then to macdonalds for tea. My whole shitty childhood revolved around it.

I know it's not right but I would forgive him if he was sorry. I would in a heartbeat, because I am violent too :( and I know how sorry I feel afterwards.

Loopy I want him to love me and accept I am not perfect, and I am the best mum his children have and are going to have and I want this family, it's the only real family I have ever known.

How rubbish does it all sound!

Wow garlic!

OP: I'm not going to shout at you either. Wise words from a lady called Louise Hay: "When you know better, you can do better...... You can make of that what you will".

You have said that you are under incredible pressure at the moment. When a situation gets to that peak, people often can't see the wood for the trees.

You need some headspace. Some time to just sit and think things through. You know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. You know what you deserve and what you don't deserve.

Your self-esteem shouldn't be shot to pieces because of conflicting points of view on a thread, although they can sting like hell!

One thing you should take from this thread, however, is that every single poster has said that you do not deserve to be hit. Try to turn a deaf ear to your OH calling you a "shite mother". Easier said than done. But you must. It's easy for someone to name call, harder for them to stand up and be counted and take equal responsibility for what goes on under their roof. And I'm not referring to you, OP, I'm referring to your OH.

I think I would also speak to my GP/HV about what is going on. Deep down you know that your circumstances at have to change - both for your sake and your DCs' sakes. Try and get as much RL support as you can.

That's a good point offred.

rabbit what red herring? You haven't said anything different advice wise to the pages and pages of replies op has already had!

As far as residency goes, as main carer the dc would reside with you in the absence of welfare issues

The remedy right now is to take my babies out for a walk, dd has been cooped up too long today. I have tried to ring him at work but no answer.,I was going to ask him to work late tonight or go out with mates or something so I can think and possibly call wa when kids are into bed. Thanks all for posts, my nose is bearing up, taking painkillers for it.

I really think you are too hard on yourself. The losing your temper and hitting dd is not the problem and I'm sorry if this thread made you feel we all thought that. I feel very strongly about violence against children but I really feel for you here and that you are not an abuser. Really not and not a terrible parent as he says.

It is likely you are both products of your experience as garlic is saying but that is not a reason to carry on with things all wrong like this. He cannot hit you. It is wrong, it doesn't matter if he is sorry or not. You should never be hit, ever in any circumstances. He may not be the image of "an abuser" he doesn't have to be your step dad and you don't have to be your mum. You have power to control your own life and strength to make changes. There is not a parent out there who hasn't made some mistakes and not a person who has gone through abuse as a child who hasnt found it really hard to deal with and move on from.

People really will help you but the starting point is really seeing that him hitting you is just wrong no matter what he says or thinks about it.

The fact that people are talking about her behaviour regards the children. I get that this needs sorting if she is losing her temper with them, but it should have absolutely nothing to do with the support she needs right now, it's a separate issue in my opinion. This man sounds abusive - if anyone told me I was a bad mother and smacked me in the face it'd be the last thing they did as my partner - and to be getting told off for her behaviour or feelings right now is counter-productive. What she needs to do is get herself and her children into a safe environment and then tackle how she disciplines the children, without that dead weight around her neck, she may find herself much more relaxed and handling her stress ten times better. I'd say most people have had moments of losing it with the children, but I'd imagine being harassed and verbally denigrated whilst doing so does nothing to help and only makes things worse.

Garlic nuts I am shocked and tearful you have described both of us so accurately. Are you some kind of psychologist? What a powerful insight. You have affirmed some of my hysterical thoughts and made them seem not so scary, thank you x

But his saying sorry doesn't make it ok.

One small step. There doesn't have to be great dramatic action right now. Separating in your mind often has to come first, re-educating yourself a bit. A walk sounds a good plan.

Offred that actually does make sense. I hope the OP can see what has happened to her is completely unacceptable and not be scared off because people are challenging her parenting. I just got a bit defensive because it felt like she was getting more criticism and given that this has made her feel more stressed before, that she might write this off as a place of support, which is something she needs right now.

If you are still needing painkillers at this point in the day I really do think you need some medical attention now!

Think chickens said it right before I did my flouncy

I too want to say well done to Garlic for her insights

Blackberry, think very carefully before you make any life-changing decisions. Its very easy to sit in front of a keyboard and tell someone what to do. We all think we know what we would do in certain circumstances. We don't have to live with the consequences.

Do you feel that there is no going back? Do you really want to involve the police? Has this ever happened before?

Only you can make the ultimate decision.

of course Relate is not the answer to being hit in the face - and Blackberry said hit, not punched (unless she said punched later on and I missed it?). She was also reluctant to call the police and walk out/kick him out so I was offering other solutions that she may feel able to consider.
Being hit by your partner is a huge shock to come to terms with, talking about custody of the children is bit of a massive leap to make when she's still trying to deal with that.

Thank you! Good luck. Walk sounds like a decent idea - unless you're here, it's raining water bricks!