I got ditched, but I want to know why! Can I text him?

[GivenToFly]

Short story, had one date with someone I met online. Phonecalls/texts a plenty, met up, had V successful date. Few more days of texting... then nothing. A few days after that I text him and said 'what made you change your mind?' but he did not reply. Not surprisingly..

Anyway, so its killing me not knowing what I did! I'm well paranoid now as I literally have no clue what I did wrong. I want to know! I know full well that this guy is not interested as its been a few weeks since last text etc, but would I be completely insane to send him a message on FB (I deleted his mobile number, but we are still FB friends for some reason) asking him why? I know it will sound totally loserish and stalkery, but I want to know!

From what I've gathered from other people (and they could be wrong so don't yell at me) a lot of online dating site men just want a shag. I assume you didn't have sex with him and that's why he's changed his mind.

I had a friend who used dating sites and most of the time they seemed to shag and leave.

It's harsh, but I think that's how it is.

It is not loserish but I think it is a bad idea. I don't think you will gain much and he does not know you well enough to be able to give you any useful info in terms of meeting other people etc!

I have been both sides in internet dating. Had lots of contact with one guy, we started to organise dates and then nothing. Sudden absolute silence. I assumed he either met someone else or was put off by something I did but if he was then his loss- I am not going to change myself for someone just to get a date!

Then I did go on a date with someone and it was nice- he was lovely but I realised after a few days afterwards that he was nice but I was just not interested enough to keep things going and it was not fair to him so things petered out.

Unfortunately I think this is the way of internet dating. There will be lots of people who you sort of get on with but whether you like them enough or they like you enough to carry on is another matter. I think it is the equivalent of meeting someone in a bar and getting on amazingly well, talking all night, feeling like you were made for each other, exchanging numbers and then nada. Just one of those things...

You probably didn't do anything, he just doesn't want to pursue it for his own reasons. He isn't obliged to maintain a relationship with everyone he enjoys dates with, even if they'd like to and didn't do anything wrong as such. Maybe he dated a few women around the same time and has decided one of the others suits him better, and is a bit embarrassed about saying so to you. Or can't be arsed, in which case you've had a lucky escape because he has no manners when he isn't going all out to please someone.

Frankly, on threads where the woman has done the ditching, the advice tends to be that if he keeps wanting to know WHY you won't see him again, the safest approach is to ignore. That may well be what he's doing.

This one got away. Them's the breaks.

ps Facebook is the work of the devil.

Just leave it. This is really common dating site behaviour, it's not just you.

this is very typical in online dating. TBF not many men expect or get sex on the first meeting, MppnGirls, especially if the messaging before wasn't on those lines. But otherwise OP, he may well be just doing numbers right now and dating as many 'candidates' as he can so unlikely to stop at one - especially if he's joined recently. I'd say don't bother asking, I'm sure it's nothing you did (unless you talked about possible future already ), just move on - you need stamina for internet dating, sadly!

sorry, 'MoonGirls'

I think you should delete him from facebook and forget about him.

Don't look back. What are you expecting him to reply? If he's a gentleman he'll give you some gentle let-down that means nothing. If he's an arse he'll give you chapter and verse of your worst features. So you won't be any the wiser and you could even end up feeling worse than you already do.

If someone doesn't want to see you again, chalk it up to experience and move right along. Their problem, not yours.

Forget about him. You will do NOTHING for your sense of self-respect if you continue to ask why he ditched you. I completely understand why you want to know, though

This has happened to me loads of times, to the extent I expect it. I invest nothing in Internet dates. Most do want sex and many will reveal their colours beforehand

NO. don't. I agree with the others, maybe he sized the situation up and thought that you weren't up for the same thing as him.

I don't know WHY men go online looking for a shag! why not go to a pub. It's just so tedious.

Even if it's nothing to do with him wanting a shag and you obviously looking for more from online dating, do you really want to give some randomer you've met once the right to judge your character?

Bit different as he was my boyfriend, but I was dumped once with a brutal and damning character assassination. At the time I didn't see how pompous, self-righteous and deluded he was, and how it was all a rationalisation for him to do something quite cruel yet emerge with some sort of moral high ground. It took me a while to see that, and in the mean time, the pain was just intolerable. We had mutual friends who seemed to 'buy' into his version. I was perceived to be the crazy one. Well, the pain did make me act crazy.

Definitely do not text or phone him again.

As others have said, men go off radar either because they wanted sex and didn't get it/got sex so got what they wanted/are married or ensconsed with OW/are inadequate, rude fuckwits.

Just defriend him from FB and get him out of your life.

You can't be worried about anything you did.

Whoever is going to like you and even love you, should love who you are, without you thinking that you should behave in certain ways.

So don't worry about that, just move on.

I thought you would all say this.. :(

I know I shouldn't. I even deleted his number so I wouldn't be tempted! I don't know why he hasn't deleted me from FB though? You think I should delete him?

I guess what really pisses me off is that after our date he was all 'lets meet up next weekend' etc and proper saying he liked me. And his FB status the day after our date was about how amazing his night out was... I would have the decency to let someone know I wasnt interested, instead of just ignoring them.

I guess my main misonception of online dating was that people have actual manners and respect. But clearly I was wrong, and its the same assholes I have been meeting in bars for years, but with an opportunity to disguise their true assholeness until you already like them. Grrrrrr!

Just bin him off FB and forget it. You'll just make yourself look needy if you go chasing. He's had the opportunity to explain himself - he hasn't - he won't.

Giventofly a date is like a meeting where you get to check each other out. There may be a 101 reasons why he, on second thoughts, didn't want to proceed: perhaps he didn't fancy you, felt there wasn't enough chemistry, didn't see you as potential girlfriend material, wanted a shag and didn't get one, is in touch with lots of girls, has got back with an ex, thought he was ready to date but isn't and so on.

I don't think anyone owes you anything after one date, and to seek a detailed explanation is just embarassing. I have also used internet dating, and if any of the guys I only dated once asked me I would have been mortified, you can't say 'well, you were too short and I didn't fancy you and you seemed a bit weird' or even 'I thought you were really attractive but I can't see us together'. I did once have a guy do this after a few dates, ringing up saying 'but why don't you want to be with me'. In the end I moved away and didn't let him know my new number- why should you have to justify why you don't want to be with someone.

This is why all pro-internet daters don't do long 'getting to know you' stuff beforehand, texting /emailing/phoning for weeks, because then if the first date you find there's no spark, too many expectations have been set up. First dates are just a screening process, not the main event.

The only sympathy I have is that he said he liked you, would like to meet up and so on. I have come to the conclusion that the occasion kind of demands this, so if he just said nothing on the date, it would be very difficult, so men often say they really like you as a way of keeping their options open/to cope with the difficulties of not being sure/to be polite. It's like saying 'you look lovely' when they might be thinking 'OMG'. The only true test is after the date, and you have all been polite and said 'let's meet up', to see if they call and make another date. I would not bother with anything less than action, words are cheap.

"I don't know why he hasn't deleted me from FB though? "

In case he gets lonely and wants to take you back off the back burner.

Mumsy. Spot on,especially with that last paragraph. In my experience words are cheap..I've been given all sorts of compliments and no follow up whatsoever.

I know what you mean muksy, but I do think someone is owed an explaination if a second date was arranged, and all the really like you stuff was a few days after the date. I don't think its polite to lie! I can understand saying those things on the date, being face to face and feeling obliged etc.

I won't message him, but I don't think its on to completely excuse his behaviour.

Mumsy, not Muksy..

Don't.

He will probably fob you off rather than tell you the truth. Apart from anything whatever his reason it won't help you to know.It's just one persons opinion, not the gospel truth. It maybe he doesn't think there is chemistry but there will be with someone else so it doesn;t really matter what he thinks.

Just delete from FB and move on. I know it's hard but you need to do it otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

Steer clear, de-friend, move on. You want to be with someone lovely, not with someone you need to be chasing after for explanations of his behaviour. If after one date he's done this and he's upset you, think of what he could have in store for you further down the line! No, no, he's a no! Run!

I agree completely with mumsy.

Don't message him. Don't dwell on it. He' entitled to decide not to proceed further without any explanation really, just like a prospective employer is entitled to dismiss your application without giving a detailed explanation.

There are hundreds of reasons he decided not to carry on with you, and that doesn't mean everything he said was a lie. He probably did like you, probably did have a great night out with you, but saw that is was to go no further.

Chalk it up to experience, and keep on meeting other guys, online dating can be fun, especially if you never have any expectations.

Don't ask him.
Not answering your text wasn't friendly, so that should be enough to ice him on Facebook, too.

De-friend and block on FB.

Don't take it personally as others have said there could be many reasons why he's not interested in going any further with you.

What difference will knowing his reason make to you?

The reason doesn't really matter tbh. Facts are he's not interested and its quite probably nothing to do with anything you said/did. Unless you picked your nose and ate it at dinner.