I got ditched, but I want to know why! Can I text him?

[GivenToFly]

Short story, had one date with someone I met online. Phonecalls/texts a plenty, met up, had V successful date. Few more days of texting... then nothing. A few days after that I text him and said 'what made you change your mind?' but he did not reply. Not surprisingly..

Anyway, so its killing me not knowing what I did! I'm well paranoid now as I literally have no clue what I did wrong. I want to know! I know full well that this guy is not interested as its been a few weeks since last text etc, but would I be completely insane to send him a message on FB (I deleted his mobile number, but we are still FB friends for some reason) asking him why? I know it will sound totally loserish and stalkery, but I want to know!

I didn't say ALL men on dating sites are the same, the vast majority are as I describe though. And just because one person has met one other person online, that doesnt mean its a particularly great way of meeting people, or that other people are going to have any success with it - I've been wasting my time with it for 4 years on & off, and never had a second date with anyone in all that time.

The situations your brother describes I'm sorry they aren't the same at all. They are relationships which have been ended for (on the face of it) fairly arbitrary reasons. The OP and I are talking about things which never get off the ground...I think that's a bit different.

And whilst not all men on dating sites are losers, all men who behave as I've described (and as the OP describes) are losers, plain and simple.

Online dating is a load of bollocks. It's full of pervy, creepy, socially inadequate men who have fuck all chance of finding a woman in the real world hence they have to lurk online hoping to go on a date here & there. Then they realise what pathetic non-functioning losers they are, how incapable of any kind of relationship they are, and disappear.

Well this seems to mean all men, IMO, the way you wrote it.

I haven't mentioned the experiences he's had with things never getting off the ground- haven't the time & energy to list them all!

But you are being unfair if youthink it's so one sided that women are always the victims.

FWIW his experience is pretty much the same- women who don't read his profile or think they are so special that he will date them anyway even though they have 6 kids, ( he wants a long term relationship but no children), women who email but never want to meet, women who meet then go silent and haven't the guts to say sorry, just not working for me.

If you have never had a 2nd date in 4 years, and I were you, I'd be looking at a) the types I pick, in case i was going for the same type and ignoring warning signs, and b) my own behaviour.

Do you get 2nd dates when you meet /met men in other ways?

I've recently started online dating having been with the same man for 15 years. When I last dated, (we didn't call it that then) there were no mobiles or email or social networking. I tell you, the texting is exhausting and, as someone posted earlier, the headspace it takes up is all-consuming. And I'm sure there is an etiquette around it that I will not buy into eg texting to say good morning and goodnight. You can't have any privacy or independence from people you barely know! You feel obliged to text back even when you don't want to. Meeting people in the conventional way has got to be easier. I had a one hour date with someone and it was obvious we both wanted to get away straight away. I did consider contacting him after to give each other honest feedback! I would have told him I didn't like his 'pose' when I turned up (affected leaning against a pillar) but that he had a really lively smile and laugh.

Thank you, but there's nothing wrong with me. There is no magic reason, nothing I'm doing or not doing, which means I don't get a second date.

I have had several long term relationships prior to the last 4 years. However the routes via which I met previous partners (pubs, clubs, work) are no longer possible - or certainly now very unlikely, hence trying OD.

As for types, therein lies the problem, in that most men who internet date, irrespective of age, race, profession, education etc are either not looking for, or are incapable of sustaining a relationship. You can't tell that about someone from a few messages, but it becomes apparent when they blow hot & cold either before a date or immediately thereafter. At which point all you can do is move on to the next.

As for types, therein lies the problem, in that most men who internet date, irrespective of age, race, profession, education etc are either not looking for, or are incapable of sustaining a relationship

Blimey

Why do you think that then?

And how does that explain the many couples who have met that way, and who are now happy?

My advice to you then is just don't bother if that's how you see it all.

I think hatesponge has been unusually unlucky. I have several friends who met their now-husbands via internet dating, and in my own brief forays I've encountered several perfectly decent-seeming men and had quite a few second dates (one with someone who is now married to an acquaintance of mine!).

However - it is always a really bad idea to invest too much at an early stage. These are people you don't know at all and they may have all sorts of complex issues and back stories that aren't obvious on the first date.

It's true of most men I meet, and most men that others I know who try OD meet too. Hence why so few of us get beyond the odd first date.

It's not impossible to meet someone decent - but it's mostly luck and chance, like finding a needle in a haystack. I know someone who met and married the person they met on their first ever internet date, but that's not what happens to most people. I've accepted it's unlikely I'll meet someone I can have a relationship with via OD, but as other avenues seems fairly unlikely to, I've no choice but to persevere.

I think there are all sorts of people on OD. Some are too serious about getting into a relationship and come across desperate/needy, some not serious enough and looking for NSA sex, some just time-wasters, others don't have a clue about what women might find attractive etc etc. If you met once and he doesn't want to see you again it's possible either that he was hoping to have NSA sex and it didn't happen, or that he didn't feel the attraction with you to take it further, or just that he has been busy with other things and can't be bothered dating any more, or has started seeing someone else from OD more seriously, or any other number of reasons. It's very unlikely to be down to something that you could control cos in one date he probably wouldn't have a chance to get beyond the introductory stuff. If I were you I'd dust yourself down and get back online...but thick skin required really. There are going to be a lot of unsuitable guys to sift through but there are some good ones too.

I agree with Hatesponge.

Huge majority of men using online dating sites are looking for no strings sex.

It may well burst some peoples bubble to know this but it's true.

Of course there are some genuine men on those sites but if I was looking for a LTR I wouldnt be doing it online.

I agree with hatesponge also. Everything she has said is spot on.

There are a few exceptions obviously, people who have met online and got married etc, but I think they are the very small minority.

I have given up on it, Im not that desperate to meet someone tbh, I refuse to put myself through constant texts then nothing, or be expected to waste time on people who have no manners or decency.

Online dating is a load of bollocks. It's full of pervy, creepy, socially inadequate men who have fuck all chance of finding a woman in the real world hence they have to lurk online hoping to go on a date here & there

A huge generalisation...... seriously

Seriously, if I'd used OD for 4 years and never had a 2nd date, I'd be looking at me- the common denominator in it all.

I've used OKCupid, met a few nice guys. Been seeing one for a while. Got a lot of messages from time wasters and nutters too but can generally spot these a mile off. Overall an interesting, enjoyable, amusing (at times) experience. I'm not sure where else to go to meet single men at my age when most of my friends are married/in relationships/have small children and I really didn't want to spark off a relationship with a work colleague for many reasons. It's worked well for me, but you probably need to manage your own expectations. Yes some guys looking for sex, yes, some are weird, yes, some you don't fancy, yes, some that don't fancy you. etc etc.

Also, as with just about every other way of meeting guys, if you go in with the expectation of marriage, LTR, new dad for the kids etc you're going to scare them off. If you go looking for a bit of a laugh, some fun, meet interesting people...play it a bit cool...chances are it might be them that start pushing for the commitment etc. That's the way it goes! lol.

I'm a single-dad and I've used Internet dating as a way to meet people.

I've been asked on a first date if I'd get married again and would I have more children, it is a bit unnerving.

And there are women in there who just want a date and sex, and some weird people, it's been an experience.

I'm getting sick of people thinking they've been the victim of personal attacks on Mumsnet - when they patently haven't!

If someone doesn't want to see you again or ignores your texts or emails they're just not that into you.

Re giving honest reasons, I agree with SGB, it's very tricky. You can't always be searingly honest in life or you'd go round hurting people or getting into altercations like a character in Eastenders.

I suppose the best way would be a brief text saying 'I can't see this going anywhere, but had a great time on our date so thank you'?

Also I don't see why someone who barely knows you has to give feedback. To be blunt they have no duty to invest further time in you if they're not interested.

Well Im gettting a little bit sick of people excusing the behaviour of those who have no manners or respect for other people. If thats how you live your life then fine, but I personally expect people to treat eachother with respect. On this website and on bloody online dating.

Its not so hard to be a decent person you know.

It is ironic that you are asking for honest feedback from your date - but bemoaning the honest feedback you have received on this thread.

I think people on Mumsnet, especially on this board, have the utmost respect for each other.

I love how people make assumptions that the fact a woman can't find a relationship online is HER fault, no it couldn't possible be the crappy pool of men she is obliged to fish from!

All this well YOU must be doing something wrong, YOU must be giving off the wrong signals, YOU must be scaring men off by wanting marriage and children. All utter nonsense.

Speaking for myself - and going by what Given has said, we're not looking for husbands, or desperate to jump into marriage. We just want more than a series of first dates, or one-off encounters.

I appreciate that the smug marrieds/smug internet dating success stories might find this hard to believe but there are plenty of women in a not too dissimilar position to me. Smart, successful, beautiful, capable women who found OD really hard work. For every person who finds love, a decent short term relationship, or even and enjoyable fling, there are loads more who don't. And theres no reason for that. They're not doing it wrong, it's just luck, pure and simple.

What is wrong however is to imply that people who aren't meeting anyone ARE doing it wrong. Because in 99 cases out of 100 they won't be.

And I'm sorry but the suggestion everyone on MN has the utmost respect for each other - nice to think so, but not judging by the name calling and victim blaming on a number of threads I've seen they dont!

hatesponge Tue 28-Aug-12 20:03:54
I love how people make assumptions that the fact a woman can't find a relationship online is HER fault, no it couldn't possible be the crappy pool of men she is obliged to fish from!

Not just women.
I know blokes who are either AP with kids or PWC (See how old I am ) who just want to meet someone nice.

They end up with attached women who want NSA sex, or desperate to leap into another "committed" relationship. Lot of the guys are a bit... battle-scarred and don't want NSA or "committed" immediately. They'd like to meet a nice ordinary woman, who wants a nice ordinary relationship where you ... make friends/

My dating years took place in the days of 1471 and running home to the answering machine. I can assure you that blokes had fab dates with me then vanished from the face of the earth, even in those prehistoric years.

There's a Friends episode about it. The internet hasn't made people less considerate. It's just given inconsiderate people greater access to the dating market.

online dating does seem to attract alot of 'pondlife' of both genders and bring out the worst in folk!

Hatesponge
Didn't you have your own long-running thread about this a few months back?

If so and I'm not mistaken, you were given a lot of sensible and honest advice/opinions then.

ALL kinds of people use dating sites. Just like all kinds of people are "on the market" for dating in RL.

I started dating in the late 60s- 70s- yes I'm that old! I experienced single dates with men who promised to phone me next week, and of course they never did .

I suppose that OD widens the pool of possible partners at the click of a mouse, and it's easier to become more off-hand in the way you respond- or not- to people. It's no excuse for bad manners, but that's life really.

I know that my brother has had many unsatisfactory experiences with women messing him about online, and he prefers people to be honest- he sends a text. email or phones after dates even if he doesn't want to see them again- just to say Nice to meet, but don't want to take it further, good luck with your dating.

I still do think though that anyone who has been dating online for years and has never had a 2nd date really needs to look at themselves and the whole process. It's arrogant never to look at yourself . It may be something as simple as being on the wrong sites for the sort of man you want to meet, giving off the wrong signals with your profile, or being such a strong ,successful, confident person that some men feel threatened.

And going back to the OP- no you shouldn't contact him. It's hard not to feel a sense of anger and injustice when you are ignored, but being a bit of a bunny boiler isn't the answer- because you may never know the real reason even if the guy responds to your text or call.

OP - I agree with everyone up thread. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. And if you feel yourself weakening, try to conjure up a mental soundtrack of Aretha Franklin singing R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

MissBoPeep, I agree with a lot of what you say. But I really disagree with two points. You talk about "being such a strong ,successful, confident person that some men feel threatened" as if it were a problem. I suppose it is, for a certain sort of deeply inadequate man (fortunately most are not like that). But it's never a problem for the woman who is strong, successful and confident, nor should she change herself. Also, please stop using the term "bunny boiler" - that film was the ultimate in misogynistic shite-fests - married man has affair, but rather than face up to the consequences in terms of wrecking his family, the script writers turn the OW into a demonic monster, retrospectively justifying his shittiness and trying to make the audience feel her brutal killing is perfectly OK (and, incidentally, the original version was much more sympathetic to the female characters, and the man was the villain, but this didn't play well with the test audiences in focus group screenings, so the ending was changed by the studio).

I love how people make assumptions that the fact a woman can't find a relationship online is HER fault, no it couldn't possible be the crappy pool of men she is obliged to fish from!

Assumptions were not being made. Observations were. You have been OD for four years yet have not made it beyond a first date. The other poster was simply suggesting that it may POSSIBLY be you rather than the 'pond life' you refer to who may be scuppering chances of success.

I also think referring to those who have success as smug is rather infantile and short sighted. OD is hard work for BOTH genders but your sweeping generalisations and rather disparaging descriptions of the 'majority' (really???) of men who OD just smacks of bitterness. Maybe OD is just not for you. Have you considered that?