I got ditched, but I want to know why! Can I text him?

[GivenToFly]

Short story, had one date with someone I met online. Phonecalls/texts a plenty, met up, had V successful date. Few more days of texting... then nothing. A few days after that I text him and said 'what made you change your mind?' but he did not reply. Not surprisingly..

Anyway, so its killing me not knowing what I did! I'm well paranoid now as I literally have no clue what I did wrong. I want to know! I know full well that this guy is not interested as its been a few weeks since last text etc, but would I be completely insane to send him a message on FB (I deleted his mobile number, but we are still FB friends for some reason) asking him why? I know it will sound totally loserish and stalkery, but I want to know!

Also I wouldn't even call it being 'ditched' it was one date and it didn't work out.

Don't over invest in online dating. Probably about 80% of men doing it are just after a shag.

I agree don't chase after rejection - often it'll be something like he's got a woman already on the scene, got back with an old gf, had second thoughts cos you have dcs or was just seeking a shag - ie nothing personal. I'd delete him from fb and find someone more worthy of you - he's not good enough for you!

Please don't ask people to explain why they don't want to take a relationship with you any further. It just isn't fair.

People do usually say they're having a good time when they're in the moment. Cold light of day, etc.

If you put him on the spot he'll have to say his granny died or something. Don't go there. Block, delete, move on.

Well if this is what I should expect from dating, and even women seem to think its fine for guys to mislead and lie to them, I officially give up.

it's not fine to mislead at all, he is a coward who said all the nice things and then disappeared, not even a 'sorry, changed my mind' without going into details of 'why', but with online dating there will be MANY frogs before you find someone decent. IF you have the stamina for rejections then try it for a while longer. I'm no fan of online dating, for these very reasons, it's also having to reject lots of people yourself that's no fun. having said that, some people do find partners this way, it's whether you can stomach 'getting there'.

To be honest I find with internet dating it's really easy to have a good first date - both parties on best behaviour, have a laugh, find things in common, affectionate farewell, etc.

Then the next morning one wakes up and realises it was nothing special. It's hard to say 'sorry, I changed my mind, I'm not that into you after all' so a lot of people just slink off at that stage without saying anything. It's not great but it is totally normal behaviour.

he did though keep saying he liked her a few days after the date, still arranged the next date and THEN gone silent, I think it's more common to just not hear after the date or to make excuses straight after. I never wanted to spell it out to anyone why i ddidn;t want to see them aftre a reasonable date, but came up with 'I'm too busy to date' or 'didn't really think we can be compatible', it's definitely not on to write a list of criticisms! I agree it's best not to build up too much talk before the date as then it's harder to cope with losing interest (on their side or yours!).

Tbh I don't get this. Why are you FB friends with someone you've met once anyway? I internet dated on and off for years and wouldn't dream of adding any of them to my FB after one date (no matter how many texts have flown back and forth). He doesn't actually owe you any explanation - it's not nice to be rejected but it's just the way it is. In any case, would you really want to hear his reasons?

Just delete, forget and move on.

Well I think I'm just gonna quit internet dating. I have been on a few dates, the guys I didn't want to continue with I was polite to and told them so. No bad feeling on either side. I obviously can't expect the same from others though. Its not so much online dating that gets me, its the general consensus that its ok to treat other people like shit just because of how you met them.

I don't agree with the attitudes towards it, or the people who excuse others behaving badly just because they're on a dating website.

Its totally not worth it.

And we were FB friends se we could see pictures of eachother, we were both using mobiles so had trouble uploading pics to the dating site.

One date doesn't make it a relationship. Nor do three or four with the same person. It's unlikely to be anything you said or did - it's far more likely to be the fact that he has met someone else he prefers. Most people make excuses or fade out of the picture with casual dates they don't want to see because they think it's kinder than saying 'Actually you're too fat for me/you're boring/I fancy someone else more?'

Though some of your later posts are starting to sound a bit whiny and chippy and desperate - which isn't a good mindset for internet dating. One thing that will put off anyone who isn't a loser himself is going 'Waa, men let me down all the time, waa, why can't everyone just be nice?'

and even women seem to think its fine for guys to mislead and lie to them

I don't think its fine at all I'm just aware that it happens and is more about the liars own agenda than anything the person they've lied to has done.

Ok I don't know if this will help.

I went out on Saturday night. I met a lovely, good looking bloke, he was funny, we got on and he got on with my mates. When I woke up on Sunday I thought I may have met a keeper.

As the week has worn on this is what has put me off:-

He was a smoker
He talked about playing XBox A LOT.
He didn't buy me a drink, or offer and when we were going home he shared a taxi with us for most of the journey but didnt offer towards it, we wouldnt have accepted but think he should have offered.

His text messages since have seemed devoid of the charm that I thought I saw on Saturday with the help of 8 Cosmopolitans
He lives quite far away.

So thats why I won't bother to see him again. I am not saying that you did anything wrong, he didn't do anything wrong but the attraction just wore off too quickly for me to feel it was worth pursuing.

Earlier this year I met someone under similar circumstances and from the moment I left him after exchanged numbers that evening I couldn't wait to see him again. He wasn't perfect but there was that certain something and I made a lot of effort to see him and ended up going out with him for 6 months.

Do you see what I am saying? Sometimes its just NOT there. And it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Don't go seeking rejection as Joan says on Mad Men (paraphrased because I can't remember the exact saying but it was very true).

I once met a man where we were a match on paper but it was clear during out meeting that I wasn't a match for him. I was pleased that he was straight enough to confirm this by text shortly afterwards. I was just starting internet dating and with the approach of nothing to loose I did email him to ask for feedback on how I came across for future reference. He told me I came across just fine but he knew himself well enough to know it wouldn't work for him. That was the polite version of it's not you it's me and I think that is usually why if they are serious about it. Otherwise, it can be the shag thing.

Guide to internet dating Tools.

'I'll call you' - I'm collecting numbers, will keep you on the back burner
'I'll call you tomorrow - don't even think about calling me
'You're great company' - you are funny and I'm threatened so I don't fancy you
'You're very intelligent' - and too wise for me and my little tricks

Just move on.

I am getting a little sick of mumsnet to be fair. People seem so ready to personally insult eachother when it is not called for. I came here to ask whether it was a good idea to ask a guy for feedback on why he changed his mind. Thanks for advising me not to, but not once did I say I considered one date a 'relationship' and not once did I say I wasn't going to move on.

I obviously don't carry on to blokes like I do on mumsnet, because I'm not insane. So if I can't come in here and have a moan/ask a question/bitch without being accused of being whiney and desperate, then frankly I won't be coming on here again.

Given no one has insulted you

You met this chap once, he's not interested. It happens so leave it.

SGB is right your last messages don't come across well

Whether they come across 'well' or not, I don't think its right to insult people.

'starting to sound a bit whiny and chippy and desperate' is insulting.

I'm done with it seriously. I constantly see people ripped to shreds on this site for nothing other than daring to ask for someones opinion. I hope it happens to you next time you feel like shit and ask for some advice.

I disagree that an explanation is owed or that you should assume he was lying when he said he liked you. It would've been nice if he had told you he had changed his mind, but I don't think that him not doing is treating you 'like shit' even though it feels a bit crap. Remember no reply is a reply. Sucks etc, so I am sympathetic, but agree with other people to just try forget it.

'I'm done with it seriously. I constantly see people ripped to shreds on this site for nothing other than daring to ask for someones opinion. I hope it happens to you next time you feel like shit and ask for some advice. '

Blimey. Just think how you would have responded if the bloke HAD given you feedback...

Yeah, coz obviously I'm insane and unreasonable.

Wow, I'm beginning to see the problem.

I thought I was really helpful .

I think men find it easier to know that somebody is thinking badly of them. Whenever I've dumped somebody or not wanted to persue something, I've agonised over how to phrase it so that it is sensitively done, but not patronising. SERIOUSLY when do men ever do that?!?! sit there thinking well, if I told my heart wasn't in it she couldn't really 'argue' with that but it'sn ot in any way cruel or insulting, so I think I'll go witht hat 'my heart isn'tin it steve/mike/paul'.

Find me a man who EVER gave a dear john speech that much thought!

@ mooncupgodess, that is so true. First dates are 'easy'. other party turns up and thinks oh she's not bad looking and being a woman you give them the benefit ! then,,,,,,,,,,,,, the second date, you're supposed to move on from the 'oh so do you like cooking?' kind of bullshit. second dates scarier I think.

The man I'm seeing now... and the end of the first date he asked me how I felt about him, and I started to say I really like you ........ but before I could finish with the but I do't want to meet up again because I don't really think we're right for each otehr, he pre-empted me, but incorrectly and said, me too! i really like YOU! and then I ended up going out with him on a second date, and becuase the second date was easy and fun, I thought thank god that misunderstanding happened!

akaemmafrost I dont mean everyone. just some.