I got ditched, but I want to know why! Can I text him?

[GivenToFly]

Short story, had one date with someone I met online. Phonecalls/texts a plenty, met up, had V successful date. Few more days of texting... then nothing. A few days after that I text him and said 'what made you change your mind?' but he did not reply. Not surprisingly..

Anyway, so its killing me not knowing what I did! I'm well paranoid now as I literally have no clue what I did wrong. I want to know! I know full well that this guy is not interested as its been a few weeks since last text etc, but would I be completely insane to send him a message on FB (I deleted his mobile number, but we are still FB friends for some reason) asking him why? I know it will sound totally loserish and stalkery, but I want to know!

Dont contact him... Not worth it. Move on. Whatever you did, it can't have been that bad, he just hasn't got the balls to tell you and to be fair... Not many people do tell people honestly why they don't want to see them anymore... It's life, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.

Please don't contact him.
A lovely friend of mine did this and the response she got was horrible, the guy told her exactly what she had done wrong She was already lacking in confidence, it totally knocked her for six and she didn't date again for ages.
I was upset for her because when she talked about him, I could see he was a total dick but she took all the blame herself.

Most of the posts on this thread have summed it up, I especially like the "Remember no reply is a reply."

Given you really have taken this waaaay too seriously. "Ditched" after one date? It just wasn't there for him. Move on.

I agree, no answer is an answer. I suppose you have to learn to read between the lines with internet dating. asking someone why they went to radio silence after a first date would be seen as very needy and sorry but I'm afraid it would be seen as desperate.

it's not about ' treating people like shit' it's just online interactions can often create a false sense of intimacy and then when you meet the person on the date there it's very hard to do a u turn. I've done it myself. if the other person thinks it's going great it's very hard to sour the atmosphere on the night. usually the etiquette is to just flake out on them after the date and everyone understands what the story is without having to have any cringy rejection conversation with what is a complete stranger.

people don't want to have to spell out why they didn't click with the other person and it's not relevant anyway. just lower your expectations really, online dating is insincere and superficial which is fine. it's not a marriage bureau or ' sense and sensibility' !! it doesn't do to be too sensitive and serious about it, you'll end up unnecessarily hurt!

Wow, talk about oversensitive! You have taken things with this guy far too seriously. However you clearly still think you should ask him why he 'ditched' you and have taken all the advice to the contrary to mean that posters are all a bunch of bitches. Chill out lady!

ErikNorseman Sat 25-Aug-12 08:39:05
you and have taken all the advice to the contrary to mean that posters are all a bunch of bitches.

OneMoreChap? Hound pehaps...

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know why. I met this guy on the internet, we talked every day for a month before we met and then when we did meet it was just as good a connection in person as on the phone. He lives in Enfield and I in Berkshire and we both worked shifts but we decided that we could make it work with flexibility and will. We carried on seeing each for about two months and the because of holiday arrangements we didn't see each other for about 8 weeks. Remember we talked EVERY day for about 4/5 months sometimes several times a day it was both ways, we had loads in common, even talked about going away this November. So here's the thing. Last Sunday he brought up the subject of us going away again and we decided upon Barbados for 10 days, he was looking into and we would decide together and next time I would do all the booking etc. We talked about meeting up this weekend as we'd not seen each other for 8 weeks and what we would do go for dinner, cinema etc. People I cannot tell you how happy I've been these last few days, to have met a guy who was on the same wavelength as me, I could be myself with and we had a TON of things in common. Here it comes..... Tuesday all day I hadn't heard from him which was very unusual and I thought, I'll leave it because he will have seen my text message and missed call. Wednesday morning at approximately 10.34am I get a text saying "he did not want to go out with me anymore, had been thinking about it for a while(!), he knew it was bad to do it by text but there was no point trying because at best he was only giving 40%. sorry, good luck for the future". I was shaking and at first thought it was some kind of a joke....I tell you I felt as though someone had just kicked in the stomach with a pair of size 10's. Why?????

It's miserable when that happens, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. A couple of months in is often the point where someone starts thinking, 'You know, I'm not sure this is working for me.' And sometimes people decide to carry on because it's not really that bad, and sometimes they decide that actually it would be kinder and fairer to put a stop to it before the other person gets any more involved.

so true solidgoldbrass. I just felt being dumped by text was heartless as we had good communication, that just made me feel worthless and also the fact that he was still talking about going on holiday when judging by his text he was already thinking of packing me in! Let the healing begin...

sonofmine that's almost exactly what happened to me with the 6 month bloke I mentioned in my earlier text.

He broke his ankle and I drove 200 miles to look after him, bear in mind we'd been seeing each other for nearly 6 months. Spent two days with him at hospital, looking after him etc and we had the loveliest time or so I thought. I went home we exchanged texts even more if anything, seemingly closer. Then I didn't hear from him for a day so I texted asking if he was ok and got told he had realised now that he had to decide if he wanted exclusivity as we were "acting like a couple" and he realised he didn't want that so he was ending things.

Like you it was the biggest shock. I couldn't eat or sleep, going hot and cold. Horrible. Am pretty much over it now but the doing it by text and suddenness of it after the connection we'd both agreed we had was just awful.

What can you do except never commit 100%, always hold a bit back imvho. I know I always will from here on.

I'm glad your pretty much over it because that gives me hope that I will be as well. I know it sounds silly but at this time you just feel like a ceiling has crashed in on you, especially when you think you've found "the one". Because of that I didn't hold back I just allowed myself to be myself and express my feelings. I sincerely hope that one day we will be back on this website saying that we have found someone who shows us the respect we deserve. Surely to goodness such men are out there.

You WILL get over it I promise. This happened end of May and I am fine now. It WAS awful for a good few weeks though. I remember waking up loads during the night and feeling sick/hot/cold all at the same time if that makes sense? I had a real physical reaction to it because it really was such a shock. Now I barely think about him. In fact it helps that he did it by text because what kind of arse does that? A yellow one that's who!

PM me if you want to chat more. Everyone said to me "but you were only with him for 6 months" and couldn't understand why I was so upset. But 6 months of texts and calls all day and being excited every week to see him takes up a lot of headspace not to mention the hope that this really could be something. It's very tough when it just all gets whipped away.

Internet dating is really tough. I did laugh at the explanations behind the words 'you are so funny'. 'you are very intelligent'. I've had both of these. Now I think maybe it's because they were threatened by me. And if they were they have no place in my life.

I've had the no text post date after a lovely date together.

I had one bloke who I didn't find at all attractive text me to say we were looking for different things straight after our date. He got in first!!

I went out with someone for a while but he was so flaky with making arrangements that it just wasn't worth it.

It does knock the ego and pride but I keep my base stable around me, invest very little and I've grown quite a thick skin!

Oh just text/ring him if that's what you want. Just do it. As long as you know and accept your ego will be dented by it

Then come and report back on outcome please. Od is hard work

Oh yes. It does hurt when you get rejected especially if you have been investing time and energy because they have too. Its personal. It really can knock. It's happened to me. Aka. Glad you are feeling better.

"I don't know WHY men go online looking for a shag! why not go to a pub."

'cos unfortunately some of the web sites share a common database of people and use domain names that suggest a shag is not just possible, but likely.

Eventually people understand that 'the site they joined' has the same database as 'F-Buddy.co.uk' etc

One posted "Just looking for NSA sex. I like to be wined and dinned, but then again what woman wouldn't LOL" and presumably found what she was looking for... while another wrote "Single 30 year old looking to meet a wide range of people more easily than looking in pubs and clubs." and got comments she didn't expect (presumably unaware her profile is displayed on lots of other web sites)

But that latter comment also answers why some people may use online sites if they simply don't like wandering up to strangers in a pub situation.

Is there a 'right' way to dump someone, though? It's always going to hurt when you want a relationship with someone who has decided not to proceed any further with that relationship. How should a person act when s/he has come to the conclusion that after a few months of dating, the other person is simply not right for him/her/that s/he would actually rather be single for a while or at least only engage in very casual relationships/ maybe s/he has met someone else that s/he is more attracted to for whatever reason?

If the person you want to dump has said that s/he is falling in love with you then you know s/he is going to be upset, but continuing a relationship you no longer want is not fair on either of you. So most people fall back on neutral explanations like 'it's just not working/you're a great person/I'm not ready for a relationship' .... and get accused of lying. Or they try to carry on a bit longer... and get accused of being dishonest. Or they dump in what they think is a quick, clean, unmistakable manner and get accused of being heartless and brutal.

It's a real no-win situation to have someone fall in love with you when you don't feel the same way.

Yeah, honesty. Wins every time.

Even if it hurts the other person, as long as you are honest and not uneccesarily brutal they will appreciate it in the long run.

Its not difficult

But, after one date, you may not really have a reason why you don't want to be with the other person, you just don't feel compelled to take it forward or bother with that second date. I'm not sure everyone makes up their mind so easily and is hiding it, I think it's more likely they have fun, a good time, but nothing propels them forward.

I don't think anyone is owed anything after a first date, let alone a made-up explanation.

After six months, I think it's quite cowardly to dump by text, though it does allow people to say what they want in a blunt way, but it is emotionally avoidant. Having said that, I think it's a mistake to conduct much of your relationship by text/email/Facebook anyway, because messages are easy to type but mean absolutely nothing, and one of the only ways to really bond with a person, and to see if their behaviour is internally consistent (i.e. do they look at you with love, do they care for you in practical ways, does what they say match their facial expression/behaviour/how they behave with others?) is to spend a lot of time in their company.

GivenToFly: It is difficult, though. Person A may respond to 'Sorry but it's not working for me, best wishes' with 'OK, thanks for being honest', but person B may burst into tears, howl loud and long and beg for another chance, and person C might become insulting, rude or even violent. If you've only dated someone for a short time, you don't really know that person, or how s/he might react, and it isn't all that unreasonable to protect yourself against unpleasantness.

It was one date. He owed you nothing, and you really shouldnt have invested so much in it, to protect yourself at least.

But how far does honesty go? I dumped a guy after 2 weeks with the reason that I wasn't ready for a relationship. True, but also I found him intense and full on and a bit creepy. Should I have told him that? I'd rather hear platitudes from a 'fling' than enumeration of my character traits that he found abhorrent. Sometimes people just aren't suited and if I get dumped because I'm opinionated and argumentative I may feel that there is something wrong with me, whereas someone else will enjoy having spirited discussions and see it as a good trait.

Online dating is a load of bollocks. It's full of pervy, creepy, socially inadequate men who have fuck all chance of finding a woman in the real world hence they have to lurk online hoping to go on a date here & there. Then they realise what pathetic non-functioning losers they are, how incapable of any kind of relationship they are, and disappear.

A decent, normal man who had a pair of balls to call his own would man up and give a genuine reason. The sort of spineless twat who says 'Lets go on another date' arranges it and then cancels at last minutes/stops communicating etc, well they're pathetic and not worth thinking about. And I guarantee they will STILL be on the same dating site in months or years time, still incapable of a relationship with a real woman.

Frankly I couldn't give a fuck if people think I am whiny or needy because of the above, I'm not, it's simple good manners and courtesy. I wouldn't just stop communicating without a reason and I'd expect that in return.

OP, I'll give you some idea of the calibre of men out there. Hopefully this will make you feel if not better, then that you're not the only one struggling with it. I should add I am a bloody good catch and not one of these men if they'd come up to me in a pub would I have been likely to give the time of day to, let alone take me on a date. Having said that, they were very much the cream of the crop in online terms (which again gives some idea of the standard out there...)

My 4 most recent dates:

Man 1: Date went well, spent literally hours kissing after. Date 2 arranged there & then. He got ill & cancelled, kept texting me for the next couple of weeks whilst on his deathsick bed. Eventually texts petered out. he is still on there, and changed his profile the other day to complain about how he couldnt get a date

Man 2: No attraction my side. Bit weird, borderline racist. Definitely no kissing. He text me after with a load of smut. I replied and said sorry, I didnt feel a spark (really nice, kind text). He replied and said 'dont worry it would only have been for sex' !

Man 3: pre date wanted me to think of him as my boyfriend . Date 2 arranged before Date 1. During Date 1 said he didnt want me to leave, and stay til date 2 (arranged for 48 hours later). The next morning text me to say he wasn't ready for any kind of commitment...

Man 4: Date on Tues. Went well - similar to Man 1 above. 2nd date arranged for next week when he was back from hols. On Thurs I get a text telling me I'm a player for being online late at night, that's he's a one woman man & that I was bullshit

None of my friends can believe this, and are even more incredulous when I tell them that my experience isnt even that unusual. There are a lot of mosconceptions about online dating, that it's a place where you're likely to find a life partner being the major one!

Hate

I think that's all a tad unfair TBH. I appreciate your eprsonal experiences, and they suck, but it's not always like that.

I have a friend who is now living with a man she met on Match and they are blissfully happy.

My brother is on 2 dating sites and has had the same ghastly experiences from women that you describe happening to you.

1. He did 100% of the travelling- 5 hrs each way- for 6 months to see Date A. She seemed keen- introuduced to her family etc. Never married, no kids, either of them, in 40s. They arranged a short holiday - after 3 days away she told him " no chemistry" sorry.

1. Date B- dated for about 4 months, again long distance- she had some very OCD habits and ditched him when she saw he used a jar of pasta sauce to make the supper

3 Date C- she was super keen, they had a few dates, the after a weekend away where he did the driving to take her to a sporting event she was in, she dumped him - told him in his car- half way through the 200 mile trip home.

So- whatever men do, women can do the same.

People who use dating sites are not losers- they often don't meet people through work, when you're older it's harder to meet single people as your friends are all paired off. But, it's like dating always has been- some people are cowardly about endings, and dishonest over what they want.