The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

you are right. there is a stigma associated with it. and even a reluctance to believe that there is a problem, presumably because of the stigma. i faced that yesterday at a health assessment. i have them annually through work - it's all confidential and they don't pass anything on without your consent (unless it is MH related and they think you are going to harm yourself or others). i told them i felt bad about my drinking and wanted to stop. they dismissed it. i guess they saw a fit, healthy, articulate woman and refused to believe that she had a reliance on alcohol. guess i don't fit their perception of someone with an alcohol problem...

Bloody husband. Bloody stupid effing husband.

I did not drink.

I ate a large bar of chocolate and slept on the sofa. (Mainly because he was snoring tbh, but have taken the moral high ground anyway)

I DID NOT DRINK

Where is my badge?

Good morning babes and welcome dippy
koti I am ok but got hammered last night, it was only day 2
I managed 10 once but at present can't quite believe it or work out how . Feeling s**t today obviously, couldnt remember how much I drank (checked : 2 empty bottles!!!) or going to bed, must have passed out.
This has scared me, I hope enough to stop me picking up today.
Back to day 1 today.

joey well done you get a gold medal today (smile)
Keep going.
Hope H Apologises and makes amends he is obviously in the wrong. MEN!!!!

joey - well done. that was some resolve! sorry about H tho. hope things are better tonight...

rural - so sorry to hear you had a bad night. i will do your day 1 with you. we can both commit to abstaining tonight. i will be around tonight and will check how you are.

Mouse, have no words of advice, just hugs. Cannot even comprehend how much pain and agony you must be in.
Joey, badge on it's way to you.
Dipsy, welcome to the bus, it's a great place to be.
NoNo, yayyyy for double digits.
Rural, I will join you and NoNo in abstaining tonight.
SAF, Kotinka big waves to you both.

Day 19 Brave Babes:)

wonderful clever babes. I listened to the mantras yesterday - especially like the Gayatri Mantra - very soothing. But I don't think I could do that on my own.

It did get me thinking though, and about 1am last night (the sofa was not very comfortable ) it suddenly came to me - poetry. I'm going to start with Desiderata, then Keats (Ode to Sleep?!) and Sea-Fever (John Masefield)

You guys are inspiring

Joey xxx

Joey - very well done. That is exactly the sort of situation that would have me opening a bottle as a reflex action immediately.

I read these posts, with people on day 10, day 19 or whatever, and feel a twinge of envy. Then I remember that I got to day 35 before, and realise that I CAN do it. I just need to be in the right mindset - once I've cracked the first couple of days, it really does get easier.

So now I need to pick a day to resolve as Day 1. Why put it off? Because I have a mad social weekend coming up at the local beer festival (not that I drink beer, though - wine is my poison). And for me, September has always been a month of new beginnings, new resolutions and optimism (stemming from going back to school as a child, I suppose).

So Saturday September 1st it is. . I will not go completely mad in the intervening period, but I will look on it as mental preparation, and note in how many ways drinking makes me feel utterly crap.

Keep going, all you wonderful people doing so well, and hold hands, all those still struggling. xx

Hi Carrie, September 1st it is
My decision to not drink was based on a long weekend of just pure greed, where alcohol was concerned, which culminated in heading to the pub on the Sunday night, full as a bingo bus, and I still cringe at the memory of it, talking absolute shite to people, getting upset when someone made a throwaway remark etc etc.
I live in a smallish town and my resolve to not drink is strengthened most days by meeting someone I know was in the pub that night, it's not their opinion of me that bothers me as I know most of them will have even forgotten I was there, it's my opinion of myself that makes me shudder.

Oh how I agree with you Obrigada - it's my opinion of myself that makes me shudder

In my rational persona, I can't imagine why a sane, suppposedly intelligent woman would choose to sabotage her life, health and everything else by looking at the bottom of a bottle every night. I disgust myself. Unfortunately, my alter-ego persists in pressing the self-destruct button.

I am such a private, secretive drinker that no one else has an opinion of my habits - at least, as far as I know. Maybe I am not the private person I think I am. Someone may have been looking through my window when I had passed out on the sofa and didn't answer the doorbell

Either way, I don't want to live this second-class life anymore. I want to really live a full and honest life, not merely exist in a half-pickled one.

Glad you have made a decision carrie. The feeling of envy is probably a good thing as it means you want it.

I am in lots of (self inflicted) pain today. No idea what I did at Pilates on weds but my sides are agony to touch and every arm movement hurts. Compounded by sore legs from yesterday's intervals and more Pilates today. I am not complaining as I know this pain is all my fault and is not even pain when compared with what mouse and kotinka suffer. But for some reason I am still planning another 7 mile run tonight and thinking about whether I can fit in a 5miler before I pick the kids up in the morning. I guess at least my addiction to exercise is healthier than the addiction to alcohol I am trying to break

Of course I now have that demon thought in my head that actually my drinking must have been ok since I passed my health assessment with flying colours and my liver enzymes showed no trace of any drinking. . But I have promised rural I will abstain with her and so I shall.

Yes I can empathise with that feeling of disgust too. I hate hate hate myself in the morning when I get up feeling like shite. It is like my guilty secret. And the worst thing is that I have told people about it now - the gp and physiologist yesterday and even my BF and they don't believe me!! My BF knows I could do with drinking less but he doesn't think it needs to be much less and he doesn't think I have a problem. But I know I do. And I know how much I hate that weak person who drinks.

obrigada and nono thank you for being my day 1 buddies today. I think I need all the help i can get at the moment.
Have that feeling of self disgust at the moment and hoping I can hold on to it when drink o'clock comes which for me tends to be about 4pm .

it's really quite hard for me not to say, 'go to AA, you are describing alcoholism and will find relief when you face it'. and there i have said it

just know, in case you want to know it in the future when you're ready, that you don't have to do this on your own. you don't have to reinvent the wheel solo. this is a 'thing' not some personal, just you and if only x, y and z head twist. there are a zillion worse things to be than an alcoholic and if you are an alcoholic the relief in knowing what it is that's wrong with you and has been plaguing your life is huge, as is knowing that there is a way to turn it all around.

will shut up now.

happy friday everyone

NoNo other people can be funny about drinking less. Maybe its because it shines a light on their own drinking habits.

Anyway its not just to do with how much you drink, but how you feel. I told my GP I only drank about 12-15 units a week, and he was 'So?'. I couldn't explain that I spent half my time thinking about those 15 units, dwelling, obsessing about them. Planning where and when to buy them. It was only sheer will-power that stopped me drinking a bottle every night.

I'm talking in the past tense. What does that mean...? I manage a few days without, think I've made it and get complacent

right, 2 and a half hours till drink o'clock rural, so lots of deep breaths and i am willing all the positive thoughts your way.

i am planning to be out of the house from 6pm for a few hours, but will take my phone and check on you. i am only going for a run along the canal and then to Asda. just gets me out really and stops me mulling

alias - i know what you mean about it being how you feel about your drinking. i clearly have a very addictive type of personality - having had an eating disorder, then abusing alcohol and also an exercise addiction. i feel the need to be in control of things - clearly the eating and exercising are to do with that. the drinking, i think, was a form of rebellion against the control. don't know really.

sAf - how do you know if you are an alcoholic? or is that a stupid question?

NoNo how do you know if you're an alcoholic?

Perhaps it is different for everyone. For me it was: planning my trips carefully so that I could stock up; getting cross when DH told me to drink less; staying up late after everyone had gone to bed to carry on drinking; once I STOLE a bottle of wine from my sisters house to take home with me.

And most importantly... always resentful when I finished the last glass, wanting more & frustrated that I didn't have any.

alias - i guess it is different for everyone. i could always leave alcohol in a bottle. my BF however seems to think once you have started a bottle it needs finishing. so although he drinks less than me, he drinks more in one sitting. and i did get in to drinking a bottle on my own, or sometimes 3 bottles between 2 of us

i haven't ever hidden buying alcohol, but i have often hidden empty bottles

i tended to do most of my drinking on my own - my exH didn't drink much at all, and BF drinks quite a lot in one go so i never felt the need for more once we had finished our 2 / 3 bottles! but i would stay up late drinking on my own quite regularly. drinking and MN-ing usually...

so i didn't do secretive drinking as such, even when married to exH. he knew i drank most nights but never told me he thought it was too much.

does it matter if i don't know whether i'm an alcoholic? at the moment i am abstaining a day at a time. i don't want to start drinking again. is that enough, do you reckon?

NoNo well I think it is a subjective term, at the sort of levels we're talking about maybe its not alcoholism, but does it matter? If you're not happy, if you want to change, maybe its not just the alcohol, maybe its a whole lifestyle thing....

oh yeah one thing I have found, is that all this introspection does start making you think about life in general...

i think you know you're an alcoholic when you realise you can't stop drinking. when you intend not to drink and there you are drinking again. when you intend not to get drunk but you do. when you notice other people can have just the one and genuinely not feel like another but that never happens to you - even if you can feign it happening to you safe in the knowledge there's a bottle of wine in the fridge when you get home.

but i'm discovering there is a hell of a lot more to it than just the drinking. i always thought i had to have a drink because of what was wrong with me, because i couldn't control my anxiety, because i needed it to face x,y or z and somehow in my head that meant i wasn't an alcoholic. it was the other stuff. then funnily enough it turns out that 'other stuff' is the exact same stuff all other alcoholics talk about and experienced and actually the 'other stuff' kind of IS alcoholism.

i guess i thought that the alcoholic wanted alcohol for alcohol's sake - not because of it's effect on x, y and z, not because they felt they needed it to do or cope with x,y or z.

not very clear explanation.

the difference for me in acknowledging i was an alcoholic was huge. a big part of it was that i could finally get off of the exhausting rollercoaster of trying to convince myself that i could master it all if i did x, or if i only drank on these days or if i had 3 weeks off or if i sorted out this or that. hard to explain but the whole exhausting merry go round of trying to control my drinking that i did on this bus for a long time. going forward what it has given me is a fix for so many of the problems that i thought were all separate things 'wrong' with me but actually were all part of one thing that i can actually do something about.

sorry very long post - never ask me a question 'cos i will answer it

Thanks sAf. I appreciate your reply. One thing that does resonate is the relief of not trying to find a way of controlling my drinking. I have had countless attempts at that. Like you said - saying I won't drink again until Friday and then drinking the next night. Saying I will only drink every other night, then failing after a few nights. Somehow it seems much easier not to drink at all because then I am not playing these mind games which I am just setting myself up to fail.

Once I start drinking I want to get that intoxicated feeling. Therefore i can't just have one. I may be able to have just 2 if the glasses are big enough. But usually it was 3 and most of a bottle. I also drink far far too fast. Much faster than other people I know.

I suppose it doesn't matter whether it was alcoholism as long as I stay focused on staying away from booze. Don't know if I can or need to stay off it forever. But each day I don't drink is a little victory. As it is for all of us who manage to abstain.

well with alcoholics it isn't just the mind games that set them up to fail it's that it's impossible. once they drink that craving is set off - some people think of it like an allergy. so they say it's the first drink that does the damage. if you don't have that first drink you'll be alright. if you have it it's just a matter of time.

anyhow however you do it and whatever you call yourself congratulations on not drinking today

hey babes,

short and selfish post from me, I'm back on day one. I had 1/2 bottle wednesday,planned to abstain Thursday but then had the rest of the bottle. Not proud of myself.

So I haven't made any changes to my pattern of abstaining 4/5 nights and then drinking on the remaining 2 or 3.

For me the positives are: I'm here , if I wasn't I would still be drinking 7 out of 7 evenings and I would be unaware of how the alcohol effects me, I'm drinking less and saying no, more frequently.

Hey to the other babes on day one, we will (overcome) get there too,one day.Never give up.

joey I love some of those poems. Are you going to use them as a meditation tool? I'm a big enough nerd that I have a cd of poems to listen to.

Hi all!
I need to stop my binge drinking (I'm an emotional drinker) but was wondering how those of you who spoke to your doctor found it? I had a doctor who was quite patronising and judgmental with me - or at least I interpreted it that way - so even though I need to go back and do blood tests I'm really worried about it and don't really want alcoholic stamped in my records.

NoNo your description of drinking patterns sounds very familiar! And also what you say about not drinking at all, its just easier. I keep saying 'this isn't forever, I will have a drink maybe next week - but not today'. For me, its about not turning to it when life gets rough.

Oh and DH and I made up and I think that would have been harder if I'd been drinking, I probably would have said things I'd regret.

guggs I don't know about meditation, today I was just repeating the Desiderata over and over during my walk home from work, because unless my mind is occupied it will chunter on and worry.

I looked up John Masefield - never realised he wrote the Box of Delights... or that he was so young when he wrote Sea-Fever - it was practically his first poem, such a talent!