The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - I've lit a candle for all of those who have been affected by the terrible loss of such a young, innocent life. Massive hugs to you too sweetheart xx

Koti - I'm so sorry to read that your pain has hit you hard today and I too have had a drink just now to aid the impact of my pain meds. I can't bear it. I just can't cope tonight, so sorry to let you all down but right now, this is all I have left to keep me from screaming out in pain.

DD helped me have a bath earlier, she washed my hair for me, she washed my back.... she's an absolute star. She helped me out of the bath, into my robe, asked what I needed.....

DH has had to look after Nemo for the best part of the day. I daren't ask how his day was for fear of a backlash. He's been 'cross' for most of the day and not wanted to know how I was IYKWIM?

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I've taken all of my meds but only had two glasses of vodka and diet bitter lemon. I didn't want more but one did nothing. Sorry, but that's the only thing that has really helped to kick the pain meds in.

I hope you're all doing okay?

Night Babes xx

ma you know there's nothing that you can say that will take her pain away, or take your sadness away You are doing everything that you can by being there, by being a place where she can share her thoughts and feelings.

Your friend was in the saddest of situations where she was unable (for one moment) to prevent the action that her daughter took. But that does not make her a bad mother. She has been a good mother for every day of 15 years. She has been good mother by setting boundaries and being clear about expectations. She has been a good mother in countless ways, and when her dd was feeling desperate she called her mother - because she was a good mother.

In rational thought we can acknowledge that however the scenario had played out your friend would feel awful. We all blame ourselves for things that happen to our dc, even when we know that we could not control things. We have to let our dc grow up and take risks of all sorts - whether it's the first steps unaided, the first time they cook their own tea, the first time they go out alone, or the first time they experiment with drink or drugs.

ma you can just be the best friend that you can be. Don't minimise her guilt, don't try to solve it, just be the kind and loving friend that you are. And thank the world or the universe or your god for every precious moment that your own dcs are living and happy. And then be brave enough to still let them fly free xxx

Thanks all. This is the last post on this as I am conscious of hogging the thread with the troubles of a stranger when this is supposed to be alcohol related, but I need your help. Faire You're post was lovely but how do I get this across to Stef.

She left her ex - known to me only as Satan! when Alex was a baby and raised her on her own. Satan always had shared custody and Stef could never challenge this as she never had the money for the court fees.When Alex was with Stef,things were strict.they live in Arkansas and there is still a deep South mentality to manners and doing chores etc. As Alex got older,she kicked against it,saying she didn't have to do stuff like this at dad's etc. Stef - rightly or wrongly-refused to accept this and if Alex didn't comply,then she wouldn't have her home,she would be shipped back to Satan's. Sometimes I felt she was too harsh,that therE were other ways to deal with Alex other than refuse to have her home,if she didn't comply but its too late for that now. Stef didn't return Alex's call because it had got to the point where Alex would only call if she wanted money or wanted Stef to collect her with promises of good behaviour only for it all to kick off again once Alex got home.In a way,Stef had washed her hands of Alex but she blames herself now. Sorry this is rambling but what can I say to her? Yes, if you'd answered her call you might have saved her? If you hadn't been so strict she might still be living with you? If you'd called social services when you suspected all was not well with her lifestyle at Satan's? I know she loved Alex. She left Satan and fled in the clothes she stood up in with Alex in her arms to try and give her a better life,but to what end? She always called Alex "the little brown haired girl" in her emails to me as in "the little brown haired girl is coming home tonight" or "it has been weeks since I last saw the little brown haired girl".
Tonight she emailed "the little brown haired girl is in the state lab. We might get her back on Thursday. What have I done?"
Babes, help me with the right words please

Ma the words are impossible, but she was the best mother she knew how to be, she made her parenting choices believing them to be best for her child. She loved her child and her child loved her.

There is never an answer or rationale for suicide, other than that the person made a choice for themselves, in a moment in time, leaving unanswerable questions and recriminations for those left behind.
Again, She loved her child and her child loved her.

Like BProud I was going to say that she did her best. She did all she could do and that is all you can ask of any mum. Most of us do things to the best of our abilities and with the best intentions. This is what Stef did. She did what she could and what she thought was best. It is just tragic that it has ended this way. That won't help your friend now. But I don't have any words to say other than that all she did was what she thought best for the daughter she loved.

ma see my post before yours.

And holding 'the little brown haired girl' in my thoughts x

ma some beautiful words here from the babes, maybe just pass them on to your friend and hope that she may find some comfort in the days, weeks, months ahead.

Stef could not change . . . destiny? Call it what you will, it was out of her control. But her pain is real and raw and of course she will be thinking of all the 'what ifs'.

I've quoted John Lennon before - Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. I do believe this. We, as individuals, have so very little control.

Bad things happen to good people. There is no justification. There are no words. I'm so very sorry for her loss.

Morning Babes,

Ma I hope you got some sleep last night, but I'm betting you didn't. your friend Stef and Alex and all thier family were in my prayers last night. Venus is right, now is the time to listen and be there for her, as you will be. I doubt there is anything anyone could say that would take one bit of her pain away at the moment.

Mouse I also hope that you are sleeping, and not in so much pain this morning. You don't let anybody down. Be safe, sweetheart.

Kot How are you this morning?

Anyway. I'm going to drag myself off swimming, I hardly slept last night and that I think is what will wake me up.

Love to all
T xxxxx

Happy swimming thurso

And morning to the rest of the babes

I am off to my health assessment with some trepidation. It lasts 3hrs complete with ECG, treadmill test, smear, blood tests, urine tests, hearing tests etc. eek.

Sorry, meant to say Gugg did you chuck the rest away, are you ok this morning?

And hello Sharpkat.

X posted
Morning NoNo hope all goes well, eek indeed, I've never had one of those, and would be a bit full of trepidation myself. You will need a little lie down afterwards!!

NoNo that's a fantastic opportunity for a full health MOT. Did you get offered it through work? I hope all goes well for you today x

Mouse, Kotinka so sorry you are both in pain. Take it easy and try to rest when you can x

Morning, Day 18 here:)

Hi babes,
Big waves to new passengers
Just checking in on the new thread.
Haven't read back fully, its been so busy on here since my last post.
ma so sorry for your friends loss, hope you are coping.
I have lit a candle for Alex. I cannot add to the words and advice from the other babes. I can only reiterate that all you can do is be there for her in this time of pain and sadness. My thoughts are with you all.
Mouse koti sorry you are in so much pain. I too turned to the booze demon last night I have pain issues, seems a lot of us do but mine pale in comparison to yours.
Well back on day 1 today

nono good luck today.
obrigada You're a star. Go girl

gugg hope you are feeling OK today.

Ma, in our town there is an "event" on 8th Sept where people release sky lanterns in remembrance of those who have died due to suicide (organised by a mother who lost her daughter to suicide) and I will release a sky lantern for Stef and Alex.

Thanks Rural, hope your pain has lessened a bit today.

obrigada thank you so much - and thanks to all others

Afternoon, tis me, mouse

Ma - I have lost far too many friends to hanging or suicide in other ways recently, we had lots of 'close calls' with XP's DD threatening to kill herself. He dealt with it as another 'one of her fucking stupid stunts' whilst the parents of her ex boyfriend actually called the police and took action to find her.

Ma - there are no words. All you can do is listen to her, be there for her and respond as and when she talks to you if that makes sense.

I believe that Alex would have committed suicide no matter what. It seems her mind was already made up before she did it. There were no 'threats' I assume? No warnings?

No words can take the pain away, nothing can stop the torture that Stef will no doubt be feeling. She'll swing between 'it's all my fault for not answering the call, for not being there more for not being her mother more' to 'well, it's her choice, her father should have loved her more' etc, etc........... highs and lows if that makes sense?

Guilt is a nasty, festering mess of shredded and torn emotions, it's the blame and denial, fear of the truth and feeling oh so hurt, the finding of hidden scars and wishing things had not been so. Guilt is a fucked up emotion that makes us all question the events before and after. Did I/we do the right thing? Could I have stopped her......

Guilt makes it all about YOU and what YOU did or didn't do. That's one of the most damaging roads of thought. I was nobodies fault.

Alex wanted to end it all, not because of Stef, not because of her father, but because she was so desperately unhappy that nothing and no-one could have saved her.

Maybe I'm wrong, I didn't know her or Stef but I know that's what happened with my friends and my family who hung themselves for others to find.

I'm so very sorry Ma that I don't have the words you need to hear, that Stef needs to hear. Death is so bloody hard, suicide is impossible to deal with.

Lots of love to you all xxxxx

Poor Stef. There's so much guilt with a suicide but it wasn't anyone's fault. Alex, as Faire says, knew she was loved. Most teens rebel against rules and girls seem to rebel against their mothers.

Update here -

This morning was the same as yesterday but I think DH is getting a bit sick of having to care for me

And he's really short with me too. He's exhausted. I need a night nurse to help to turn me regularly in bed. And to help me up in the mornings as the pain is unbearable. Even DH turning over in bed is painful for me.

I hate being so needy, it's not who I am.

Any ideas of how I can get help (and fast) would be most welcome. I'm not sure how much DH can take of having to turn me, administer my pain meds before I can even move my legs.

Plus I've started to lose the feeling in my arms at night as if I have a trapped nerve.

Ma - sorry to be selfish and post this but I really need help. xx

Koti - and all others in extreme chronic pain, drinking did help me but it was short lived. I had 2 vodka's in the hope I'd get a quicker reaction from my meds. Apparently, DH said it made me snore even louder.

I DO NOT want this (alcohol) to become a regular addition to the pain relief. I will not go down that road again. I hope.

DH's face can be so................. dismissive? Is that what I mean? I'm just so fed up of the pain, I guess he is too. This is the worst it's ever been. I can't carry on like this if this is how it's going to be. We need support don't we? I need to ask someone...... GP maybe?

Oh mouse. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I don't know your history and don't have much experience of chronic pain but you are right in that you need help. It is affecting your quality of life and your relationship. It is not reasonable to expect you to put up with that. Do you have a nice gp you can see? I have one who is really understanding and whom I will always try and get an appt with as she is human and will actually listen. I know of pain management clinics also - have you been informed of any of these?

My assessment went ok. My blood results were indicative of someone who doesn't drink at all!!! Whether that is because I have abstained for 8 days or not I can't say. But I was shocked. The gp also played down my drinking which I wasn't impressed with. My health results were so good that I think he thought I was exaggerating. He told me that however much wine I was drinking, he would bet it wasnt as much as he drinks. I thought that was very bad form. Anyway everything ok except for slightly high cholesterol which is always the case. Both readings normal but put together and they come out high. Probably not a lot I can do about it but needs to be monitored as there is cardiac risk in my family.

mouse so sorry to hear of your pain. Can you get a carer to come in and help with dressing/washing? Or home help for the housework? Even just seeing a different face might help, it sounds like you and DH and DD need some space from each other...