The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

NoNo - I think your GP was probably trying to make you feel better by saying he drank more than you but still, not professional really!

Glad you had good results though xx

My GP's (I see 4 now, my specialist one has just retired ) but all they can do is manage the pain, as can the Chronic Pain Team that I see on a regular basis.

They tried injections into my spine, drugs for epilepsy which gave me stroke like symptoms and yet they'v just put me on another one but so far so good.

My GP said yesterday that he wished he had a magic wand. So do I. I hate coming on here and moaning but DH has heard it all so many times..... he really is sick of it all. Whether that's frustration that he can't help, or the fact that I'm such a burden.

DD is amazing. She's just made us all lunch and washed up. She helps so much. I'd be lost without her just now.

God, someone shut me up.

NoNo - can I ask how much you used to drink?

mouse The pain sounds awful ...really feel for you and hope you and DH can get the support that you obviously need right now. GP sounds like a good first step but I'm not an expert and hopefully some of the other babes will have more constructive ideas.

NoNo That's brilliant news about the test! GP's reaction to the drinking doesn't seem entirely helpful or professional. Another example of how acceptable it's all become and how we back each other up when we're drinking to make ourselves feel better.

I'm on my 4th week of only having a few drinks on a Sat night and feeling strong. Noticeable lessening in the cravings but will be interesting to see how I cope when a "disaster" strikes. Not today though...DD2 has had her GCSE results and she got 4 A's, 6 B's and a C. Very proud mum here .

Mouse I'm sorry to hear you're in such agony. You asked for opinions/input so here's mine. I think you should strongly reconsider having the surgery as soon as possible rather than waiting another 18 months (was it until Nemo is in school that you wanted to wait?). With a degenerative condition, isn't it likely that your conditon will by then be worse and more complex to repair/halt progression? I know that you feel that you won't be able to cope with Nemo's needs if you have the op, but isn't that already the case when the pain is so bad that you are trapped in agony in bed each night? You can't continue like this. Probably DH and DD are unable to continue like this for any length of time either.

There must be help available for you if you have the op; carers to come in and help with Nemo, help you while you recuperate. Draw on every inch of support you are entitled to and deserve. Have you talked to DH about his feelings regarding you having the surgery?

Sorry to stick my oar in! As you know I'm a lurker here now, but I'm still reading and drinking a bit too much contributing when I've got something important to say, and I hate to hear of you in such agony.

Thanks ladies,

I'm afriad I've just taken my meds so this might not make sense.

I want to talk to DH but he seems so annoyed. He wanted to go out in the garden and get it sorted. He has lots of things about to bloom and need picking.....

He's pissed off that our holiday was hard work, lots of little things went wrong. But they all add up don't they?

I wanted to go out with him later with my frame, just to get out and walk for a bit, he won't let me. I know that he cares. He's upset that I'm like this.

Who do I ask about the help? I can go into the GP as I have meds ordered and ask them but not if I can't go and ask can I?

I feel housebound and I hate it. Hate it.

I need to go for now but will be back later.

Sorry t be al me me me. So very sorry.

mouseface - you are right, it isn't good enough. i think you need to go back and lay it on the line about how much it is affecting you and your DH. maybe he should go with you and get him to talk about how it affects him. i don't know who you can go to ask for help, other than your GP, unless you have a specialist team, which it doesn't sound like you do?

i have just popped into the Velodrome in Newport on my way home from my assessment to see the GP paralympic team training. they are pretty inspiring. there was one guy, i would imagine with cerebral palsy, who struggled with walking and had to have help to get into his all-in-one kit. but on the bike - wow. he was inspirational. if they can battle against all the odds and become world-class, then surely i am strong enough to beat the booze-witch

as for how much i drank - it varied. by default and if i wasn't trying to stop, probably 6 - 7 nights a week, about half to 3/4 of a bottle. in the last couple of years i have been trying repeatedly to cut down, and i have probably had more AF-nights but i doubt the quantity of my alcohol consumption has dropped much because my BF has tended to buy a bottle of wine each for us to drink. and occasionally we would drink more. and we also started drinking bottles of lager. if i bought a bottle of gin, it would only last less than a week and it would be all gone. and i would drink wine as well... so, as you can see, hardly moderate alcohol consumption.

i have tried to raise my drinking at these health assessments on 3 occasions now (i have them yearly through work). and no-one has ever been interested because, to all intents and purposes, i am fit, my BMI is fine, my bloods are fine. all is good. except i know it's not. and basically to be told i don't have a problem. well... . i even spoke to a counsellor about it - said i wanted to stop and she said she didn't see why as it wasn't excessive. but it is WAY above the 14 units a week which women are meant to consume, and far more than the maximum of 2 - 3 units per day also.

Mouse, I echo what Mystery said. You've been offered surgery (albeit) with a risk of neurological damage associated with it) which means that the spinal surgeon thought there was a good chance of aleviating or curing your pain. You are going to need help with looking after Nemo while you recover from surgery whether you have it now, or in 2 year's time, and you have already spoken of the difficulties you have looking after him now, and the strain your chronic pain is putting on family life. If the operation is a success, then you will be sorted out for good, and ready to tackle life with your son at school. If it isn't a success, then at least you will have given it a chance.

From what you say, nothing chemical is even coming close to giving you back any quality of life - it doesn't sound as if it is going to get better without surgery, and you are just 'managing' (or not managing the pain. Why delay?

That's my penn'orth

And I'm still drinking. It never seems the right time to start day 1 again. I think I'm going to tackle it when term starts - a new beginning for everyone.

Yes, I know, that is as pathetic as it sounds to me, too.

Kotinka, that is part of my problem - I don't get hangovers ... I wake up feeling a bit dehydrated and woolly, but a pint of tea, and I'm ready to face work/kids/chores ... anything. I wish alcohol DID affect me more, actually, because I would then have an incentive of sorts not to drink the night before a big, busy day. I must be so tolerant

I drink the following evening as a release from all my plate-spinning responsibilites during the day (and because - stupidly - in the light of all the evidence of how crap I feel - I like it ... for about half an hour) ... and so the cycle goes on. I've broken that cycle many times, but always revert ... I don't think I am physically/physiologically addicted, so I have to get to the bottom of my psychological compulsion to obliterate life in the evenings. Hey ho

Evening, tis me Mouse

For those who have said 'do the op now'......... I can't. Sorry but DH and I and all of Nemo's HCPs have talked long and hard about this since we got the decision two weeks ago.

The risk is 1 in 20 for permanent paralysis. The recovery period is at least 6 months. DH cannot take that amount of time out of work to care for Nemo (who is due more complex surgery anytime now for his cleft and is also being extremely testing just now) and we do not have the resources in place, the support, family or friends or official support, for me to not be around just at the moment.

I will not put that kind of pressure on my family, on DH or anyone else. I have explained all of this to my surgeon who agreed that this is far from the right time, and he's getting paid for this! He was the one who suggested we get onto the NHS list to wait for the surgery with him because of her situation. He listened and understood what we were up against and said that the best solution all round would be to wait, which is when DH asked if the condition will worsen, the answer given was no.

The last two days are different somehow. I've done something more to make this happen.

I don't want to sound dismissive, or flippant. Or 'well if you are going to moan about it mouse then do something about it'............I know that there is a 75% chance of the op being a success and that leading to up to 70% of me being pain relief but not for good.

As one disc is fused, to two virtibrea, then the next two are connected to the next, the worse it gets. It's a degenerative disease so works on wear and tear. The lower discs take the load, and the lower they are, the harder they work. They depleat.

This op is just the very beginning of surgery. The surgeon has offered to put me in touch with people who it has worked for and for those who haven't seen a change from it.

I'm going to start my own thread in General Health about this because I feel really bad taking up so much of this thread with this. As much as I love you guys and your support, I think my separation from here would be a good thing.

Sorry to be so shit.

Be back soon. Sorry for typos, I am self medicating. Again. Fucking up seems to be something I am good at xxxx

Oh mouse. I hope you aren't going to leave us. None of us really understands what you are going though completely. I am sure none of us wants you to stop posting and we certainly don't think you are 'moaning'. You are not shit. Your situation is tho. Please stay. It was your posts that inspired me to join the bus.

carrie you mention that you don't get hangovers. Me neither, it was one of the reasons I assumed my drinking wasn't over the top.

Until I abstained for a few weeks, and then when I just had a small amount - wow! - proper hangover. So I think our poor bodies may have got used to the amount of alcohol we pour in, and learnt to tolerate it.

You may find that if you really cut down you will feel the effect if you overdo it.

I'm not going anyway, who'd do breakfasts if I did huh?

I'm taking the situation away from here is all.

I've been here 2+ years, and I'm going to be here a lot more too!

As I said, I'm self medicating again so my posts aren't very coherent. Nothing more lovely NoNo, you can't get rid of me that easily xx

I'm going to get some food and try to get DH to sit with me. He's rushing round like a mad man xxx

Night Babes xx

Ok phew. Panic over . Please don't feel you have to stop posting about it. It is so much part of your reason for being here I guess. Don't make it harder for yourself than you need to. And I am sure we dot want to say the wrong thing either. So if we don't get it right please do tell us...

Day 9 here. Just in from running club. Intervals tonight which are hell but make you feel good. I do really appreciate my health. I have back problems and get injured easily which gets me down. But nothing like you describe and I do really appreciate the release that running gives me.

I don't get cracking hangovers but I do always feel rough when I have been drinking. It seems like after a while my body can't process the alcohol. So if I have a heavy week, by the end of it even just a couple of bottles of beer makes me feel rough.

so pissed off with my DH right now, and my first thought was to drive to Sainsburys and get some wine.

Not going to though. Will try and find those chants you were talking about saf

Breathe alias - you can do it.

Joey, I know my drinking is over the top. I must have hyperactive liver enzymes to process it all overnight, and feel OK the next day. And even after a dry spell, all I feel the next day is bitter regret, nothing physical whatsoever. Bizarre.

Mouse sorry if I seemed preachy. I guess none of us can really walk a few yards, let alone a mile, in your shoes. None of us can even imagine what you are going through. I worked for a year in Great Ormond Street, so I have a tenuous grasp of some of the crap you are going through - but nothing more. Sending you hugs xx

Oh mouse. As others have said,can you get some home care to help you? If you can't get an NHS carer can you afford an au pair or housekeeper to keep on top of other things, thus freeing up DH and DD a little? Even a live put part time helper would be good.I presume you have tried acupuncture etc? DH is frustrated and angry. Angry that he can't take your pain away,frustrated that he can't cope and then hating himself for being angry! Can any family come and stay for a while? Is there a young carers group nearby where your wonderful did can get support?
How can I help you?

sorry i've spent ages catching up so can't say much.

mouse - i think you need to ring for a gp home visit - call the surgery say you need to see someone but you cannot make it in. if this doesn't feel 'usual', if it feels like you've done something then it needs checking out. also if you're struggling into the surgery then they're seeing a mobile walking woman you know? don't assume because you've had pain for ages that you're just supposed to put up with sudden, different, extreme pain and immobility without getting medical attention. i'm cross at your dh but others who are being more empathetic are probably right but then again he should open his mouth and say what he's feeling/why he's cross etc rather than leave you to deal with the terror of him being moody and not communicating with you imo.

ma i am so sorry. it must be so hard when you have ambiguous feelings about her parenting in the past. you got some lovely advice and ideas of ways to look at it on here from much better people than me! i would be a wreck of confusion trying to cope with those previous judgements and feelings about her parenting along with deep compassion for her loss. i'd find it hard to know what to say or think or feel. there are very compassionate souls on this thread who sound less muddle headed i am - could be because i'm an alkie i guess or it could be that i'm projecting stuff about my own mother and my unhappiness as a teen onto the situation.

all i'd say is take care of you too - it is really hard and emotionally costly to support someone through something as tough as this - obviously nowhere near as hard as it is for them but that doesn't mean you don't still need to take care of yourself x

right that's probably all incoherent. good day today - another meeting and managed to potter round town buying bits for my neice and nephews' birthday and stuff - not something i've gotten to do in a long time so trivial as it sounds pottering around shops on my own looking at stuff felt quite a luxury! my exciting life

hope everyone is ok. beginning to get a not long left feeling about the holidays now and starting to appreciate ds being home more - though that might actually be due to the fact he went to my mum's for 24hrs and only got back this evening ask me again on monday and i'm sure i'll be back to pulling my hair out and begging for school to start again.

take care everyone x

oh and mouse the loosing sensation in bed thing was how your reaction to anti convulsants started last time and you're back on them again so bear that in mind and mention it to gp and keep an eye on it.

Morning babes

How are you mouse?

Only 1 more sleep for me till kids are back. I can't wait

Just in from Pilates. Aching so much still from weds Pilates and yesterday's intervals so this morning was very uncomfortable! But i am just grateful that I can do it as I know several of you have huge pain problems

Day 10 here. Double figures

Hi can I join? These kind of issues are my line of work but I still have a bit too much of a reliance on drink to relax..and of course I have put on weight so am heaviest ever been,I can't do this anymore as I live alone with 2 young DC and work full time,I have to get better in lots of ways but still struggling with separation.so marking my place please!

Dippy - of course. Hop on board. I haven't been here long - only a week. But the support is terrific. And there are many of us who are separated - I left exH 2 years ago this month. Only realised that it was two years as I was driving back home from Pilates this morning. Hideous court battle over the kids last year, but now divorced and with shared residence. My kids are young as well - 6 and 3. So many of us will understand what you are going through.

Thanks no way...that's good to know.most people seem to understand the stresses of two lively sons,2 and 4 years, but get a bit judgemental when alcohol comes into the equation.