The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

It doesn't necessarily mean you are unfit sAf. You may just have a naturally high max HR. some people do which is why the 220-age thing isn't very accurate. But if you went to a gym that is what they would quote you.

I haven't used a hrm for a while but when I used to regularly my HR would always jump to 140 as soon as I started running. It would then creep throughout the session until it was mid to high 150s depending on how far / hard I was running.

Thank you lovely babes, it's a huge relief just to 'talk' about it and no one has questioned why or suggested that I should spend time with my biological father.

Big, big, big relief. Thank you.

Yes, I'll talk to dh about changing numbers again,make sure that rellies KNOW they can't just give out my phone number. I think that he will try to show up on the doorstep,in that special 'popping over from another country' thing he does.

SAF- very insightful as always. I'm frightened for several different reasons. Some of it is just my mind building the situation up, anxiety from not knowing when he might show up. He's creepy, he wants something from me he can't have (relationship, there isn't a bond there), he lies and refuses to acknowledge my feelings.He was sexually inappropriate with me when I was a child, he was drunk constantly and repeatedly let me down.

It makes me physically ill to be next to him, so I want to put a stop to any contact at all. I'm beyond caring what he may feel. I'm not letting him anywhere near Ds.

And breathe!......SAf I'm sure you will be able to analyse some of that,( tho I'm sure you have better things to do with your time) It's such a relief to talk about it.I'm much too old to put up with crap anymore.

Right, normal service will resume shortly. I'm reading and thinking about you all, just being a bit "me,me,me".Welcome new babes, I'm normally well behaved.

Today is day 3 and I'm channelling my rage to ensure that I won't drink! Grrrrrr!

gugg feel free to spill as much as you want here, if it feels good to get it out. If he does turn up don't answer the door. If you open the door and he's there just shut it again. If he won't go away, call the police. He will eventually get the message.

Now, the important thing, as you say, is that this does not make you drink today. Anger is a huge trigger for many of us. What can you do instead?

NoNo I am in a notice of redundancy situation as well, and it is really worrying and unsettling, the immediate reaction is to imagine the worst possible scenario. I thinkin a way this is quite a good thing as it allows you to process the news and prepare for worst - BUT the worst may not happen.

As a part-timer you are a more agile and flexible member of the team. You may have to make some changes to your work pattern, but you shouldn't be expected to make snap decisions.

Is it possible for you to explain rationally why you cannot take the offered role? If you can phrase it in a positive way it will look better for you eg 'I was very flattered and tempted by the exciting offer, but after careful consideration have to regretfully turn it down due to my present work-life balance needs etc etc'.
Hopefully they will remember that you were positive and keen but that you need to work part time at present.
Try not to worry too much.

gugg - no one on here is about to suggest that you should spend time with him. given what you have written here and what you have experienced, there is no way that you should feel like you need to talk to him, let alone have him anywhere near you. the anxiety you feel about this is understandable, but please know that you are entitled to cut him out of your life and you should feel no guilt or anxiety about doing so. he lost the right to your affection when he let you down and abused you as a child.

i understand how hard it is to maintain no contact with a parent. this year i have decided to cut my parents out after they were reported to the police by a member of the public for abusing my DD at the local bus stop. (i was running back to their house from town at the time - only 5 miles. i had only left the DC with my mum for 45 mins when this happened). they refused to apologise for what they did and in fact blamed her (she was 2 at the time) for the situation. and me, of course, for having such a badly behaved child.

interestingly, i felt no guilt at cutting them out of my life, but it took me a while to stop feeling like i was 'depriving' the DC of grandparents. until i really appreciated that no grandparents who truly cared would actually do something like this to their granddaughter. and this has been born out by their actions since i went no contact with them. they have not tried to get back in touch (fortunately) and have stopped sending cards / presents. you see - it is obviously MY fault that this has happened. in their eyes.

and i am guessing that there is some of this about your situation too. perhaps you feel, in some way, guilty or difficult about your decision to have no contact. even more so if the rest of your family maintains some kind of pretence about the kind of man your biological father is.

not sure if that helps at all. apologies if it is way off the mark.

i have been to pilates tonight and on the way home had to stop for fuel. i spotted in the petrol station the wine in the chiller as i was filling up. a fleeting thought of picking up a bottle to drink and relieve the stress entered my head as i was filling up. i dismissed it. then when i went into the shop to pay i didn't even notice the wine - it had gone out of my head and it was only when i was back in the car that i realised i had gone in and paid without thinking about the alcohol. the weds night journey home from pilates was always an opportunity to pick up some booze as i was on my own...

Bproud - sorry to hear about your situation. i hope things resolve themselves for you. i have some insider information about our redundancies (my BF is a senior manager in the company), and it now looks like they are in such a mess with them that they may not go ahead at all. it is all such a confusing situation. i think i have done the right thing for now in turning down the job. i really can't believe they expected me to make that decision on the basis of a phone call with zero information and with about 18 hours notice... and if the redundancies don't go ahead, then the move to the other team would have been a very stupid thing to do indeed because it would have made my life infinitely harder for no gain.

I think you have made the right decision too NoNo, it would be impossible to know what you were agreeing to until it was too late. Wait and see.

Thanks for the running info. My top rate would be 150 but I usually go to 160 before I go back to walking. If I keep at it, will I be able to run for longer before my heart rate gets up there? I would like to be able to run a mile without stopping but can't do that yet because it pushes my heart rate up too far. I want to get fitter but don't want to kill myself in the process!

Oh and, yes, petrol stations and alcohol. What is that all about?

One of the great breakthrough moments for me was passing the petrol station as usual on the way home from work and seeing the giant coffee cup outside. I remember I thought to myself, ooh I could really fancy a coffee. Then it hit me. For the first time, I didn't think ooh I could really fancy a glass of wine

Small moments like that made me realise that I was changing those habits, it was getting easier, those triggers were changing, I was spending less time thinking about it and more time getting on with the life I really wanted, and deserved

faire - yes, if you keep at it you will improve. you are doing the right thing by not pushing too much though. you will find your CV function improves quite quickly and your HR will not shoot up so much the fitter you get. we always advise people not to run too far too soon - the walk / run strategy is best deployed to start off with to stop you overloading either CV or muscles and getting overuse injuries. if you can run for 1 min / walk 1 min and repeat, then increase to 2 min on / 2 min off etc, you can then progress to 2 min on / 1 min off and then build up from there. that is probably what the couch to 5k does - haven't ever looked at it though. and also you need to jog VERY slowly to start off with. don't sprint like you are running for a bus! that is a key error people make when they start off. you should be able to chat comfortably while running so you need to take it at a nice SLOOOOW pace so that you are comfortable and don't feel like you are about to have a cardiac arrest!!

NoNo I understand how you feel about trying to fit a job around childcare, but sadly I think some male bosses don't. A couple of weeks ago when I was stressing about my job, people were suggesting I look for a new one - but honestly in terms of school/commute etc where I am is perfect. It is frustrating to think I'm going nowhere in terms of my career (luckily I'm not a career-orientated person anyway, but maybe you are?) but I don't like to think I'm letting the boss down if childcare takes priority. Eg. have to take DD back to the doctors soon because the rash isn't getting better - who's going to do that? DH??! I guess you just have to think, what takes priority & if its being with your kids then so be it....

Thanks NoNo that's really helpful. I am going quite slowly, it takes me about 18 minutes to run a mile. I will try the minute jog/minute walk to see if it helps keep the heart rate down.

guggs if you don't think your father will listen to your reasons or explanations, then there's no point in even wasting your breath. Especially as it would just end up in an argument which would make you feel bad. Caller Display. Wouldn't be without it

I haven't asked DH not to get me any more wine yet, because he just placed a shopping order and it seemed a bit churlish, but I will.

faire - definitely do not try to run the whole thing to start off with. you are much better breaking it down into minute chunks. if that feels easy for you, do longer running chunks, shorter recoveries. once you can do 5 mins on 1 min off you are then well away because you can just keep going basically! if at any time you feel tired or completely out of breath, stop and walk. i still do sometimes and it is a recognised technique. in fact there are marathoners who walk a certain amount of each mile and still get round in really good times. so walking isn't cheating (in spite of what some running fanatics say!)

alias - i am no longer career oriented. but i do have a good job, which is quite responsible and relatively senior. i suppose that is the level that i am used to working at. not that i wouldn't take a more 'junior' role if it made life significantly easier. but from a practical perspective, a 9-5 job in a local office wouldn't make my life any easier than my current job which needs me to be mobile 2 - 3 days a week and takes me all around the country. because for 2 days each week i am at home with my kids - DS is in school but i do the school run and take him to after school activities. DD is at nursery in the afternoons but we do things in the morning together. i cherish the time i have with them - particularly in the holidays. and to lose that for a more local job with worse pay than i am on now would break my heart. it's not about the job i do really - it's about what it means i can be for my kids. and because i have to let them go to their father 6 nights a fortnight, i cannot envisage not being there for them on the days they are actually with me.

are you and your sister still close kot? i know what you mean about feeling upset for A mother, but not your mother. it's how i used to feel as a teenager whenever i was really hurting and had that ache where 'i want my mum' should be but it wasn't MY mum i wanted itms

gugg your reasoning sounds perfectly sound, i think you have every right to cut all contact. the stress might also be the feeling you have to justify yourself with family who've rewritten reality to be more pallatable. i haven't put that well but i should imagine it is stressful being pushed into having to assert i don't want to see this man, do not give this man my number when they think he's alright.

good meeting last night. i find it grounds me. if i'm feeling low or struggling it brings me up and strengthens me and if i'm feeling a bit too giddy, everythings easy la la la it grounds me with a bit of seriousness and a reminder to take my recovery seriously because that first drink is always waiting.

today i'm a bit stumped - what i should do is tackle the laundry backload which is mountainous again and do some serious cleaning and tidying. not very inspiring though is it?

morning lovely babes, glad as ever that you're here.

Hello my friends,
Sorry not have been posting.
I had to sort of shut up shop for a while, and get on and deal with things here. Dc2 had a bit of a blip, thousands of miles away, just after we got back from holiday, and it was a very worrying time.
Anyway, all fine, he is back home, and back at uni now.

I have been reading your posts, and send my love to all of you going through difficult times with one thing and another. Uncertainty about work is horrible, I'm slightly in the same boat this term, working much reduced hours, but will have to wait and see what happens.
Mouse sending my thoughts and love to you, I'm sure you will be a tower of strength to your friend, just look after yourself as well.

Inde How did you get on the other night, after your train journey? Big hugs x
Ma I think you made the right decision with DD, once she's in, I bet they can help her sort a lot out with financing, and Congratulations to DD, what an achievement .
JWN Don't work too hard darling, how is your DD?
Venus I hope all is well with you and your family.

So sorry not to name check so many other people, but I just wanted to say hi again, and actually say thank you to everyone, as reading this thread has kept me stronger, even when I'm not posting.
Much love
T xxxxx

X posted! Morning SAF

def not nuts unless i'm nuts with you - must confess in my darkest hours i still get that ache and sense of lack i think of how much i care for my son and how much he'll be able to take my love and involvement for granted and it does make me realise what a difference that must make and think about how that 'lack' has shaped me. not on the pity pot here, it's just interesting what a fundamental difference there must be in the psyche of someone who grew up totally secure that they were loved and accepted by their mum.

oh dear is it therapy thursday?

i've managed to sort out a load of clothes that have been languishing in laundry baskets into rewash, put away or iron piles and get one wash on. ironing board has been dragged out and is stood in landing waiting for my attendance. this happens about once a year i do NOT iron except when these ignored baskets finally get some attention and i realise it would be nice to have a wardrobe for the next season. and when i do it it is like a new wardrobe!

my running shoes have arrived so i have no excuse. guess i could sneak off to the quiet field and give the week one podcast a go. why am i scared of running?

Morning brave babes. Well, I'm on to day 4 which is always tricky for me and am already beginning to panic at the thought of a weekend without booze. yesterday was fine until about 7pm when I just felt this overwhelming feeling of emptiness but managed to claw my way through it. I'm sorry so many of you seem to be having a difficult time. IMO having a shit time and still managing not to drink make you awesome human beings in my eyes. I just wanted to ask what experiences any of you have had of AA. I'd always woved it wasn't for me because of the God stuff and having to accept that you're powerless - a large part of my work consists of trying to make people realise that they're not powerless eg abused women. However, I'm a bit more open to it now but wanted to know how others have found it. Will catch up later xx

sAf - get out there!! i can't - i'm stuck in the office all day, so please do a lovely run for me. (oh and sometimes i still get that - not sure i want to do it - feeling, so i know where you are coming from)

another one here who sometimes wishes she had a mum to call on. very rarely but it does happen. i also have no next of kin. now i am divorced and have no contact with my parents, there is no-one. i have no siblings either. sometimes it feels very very lonely. but then i don't trust people generally so i probably feel the exposure of this less than others might.

oh dear, had wine last night DH and DD were arguing and I was getting wound up. It's no good though, I need to find better ways of dealing with stress.

This morning I swore at my daughter She's 10 (going on 13) and I realise she's upset cause she has this very itchy rash, and we don't know what's caused it - it must be scary for her. But aaargghhh I hate stress first thing in the morning.

oh, last night I was trying to relax - breathe, pilates, desiderata etc - and found myself resistant to relaxation.

A couple of years ago a therapist told me that our bodies produce adrenalin when stressed, and adrenalin is a drug which can become addictive. (Hence sporty type peoples etc) It produces a 'rush' which is, well not exactly nice, but pleasurable in a way [I hope this is making sense] and sometimes you don't want to let go of the feeling.

I thought it was interesting, and pass this information along. For free and gratis. (She was charging £40 an hour for gems like that!)

upsylazy - powerless over alcohol. acknowledging that you can't control it. by acknowledging you have no power over it you let it go and stop thinking you could control it and be a normal drinker if you did x, y or z. that's the powerless bit.

kot you have it a lot harder than me. i still have my family in my life and they do help practically re: ds stays there one night a week when they're around and in an emergency they'd be there for him. i could never turn to her for emotional support or understanding or expect affection or kindness or anything from her but she has been practically helpful as a grandmother.

aj - when you're like that ten minutes furious activity to use up the adrenaline is good - jog up and down the bottom step of the stairs or do some furious vacuming or something.