The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

I saw this and thought of you, as the old advert went.
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2012/sep/03/temperance-drinks-everything-in-moderation
Some nice unusual ideas and recipes for alcohol-free drinks - I know how the Brave Babes love their exotic mocktails!

Florence I remember you posting as Celia. Sorry things have been so hard lately. What Soma said, and keep on posting here.

Soma my lovely (it's Mia, namechanged again), stop torturing yourself and get back on the antabuse! Great news that all is well with your health, now get yourself back onto the peak form you were on a month or so again. You know you can do it, and you were happier without booze. You don't need it; you are fulfilled and strong when you are sober. Xx

Good morning everyone,
Just checking in.
DS has gone back to school today.
I have appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon so have to dash.
Two hour drive each way.
Hope all abstainers got through and have that clear headed feeling.
Will catch up properly later.
Koti BIG YES to putting on weight. Think its because can't stop eating chocs, crisps, biscuits, cake etc.
Starting a diet today, nothing fancy just cut down and try to exercise more.
Exercise thing difficult with my health issues but will try to get advice from ortho on that today. You must have that problem too.
nono Im Ok thanks. Sleeping a little better, not up to my normal 8 hours tho.
Didn't pick up last night so day 13 for me.
Wow just looked at time, got to dash.
Have a good day babesxx

{{{{{Bproud}}}}}} Saf I'm super-ashamed, probably was a bit over the limit and DD discovered an empty bottle of wine in the cereal cupboard this morning She was so upset because I'd promised not to drink so this time I told her I can't promise but would try my utmost to stop drinking. She seemed OK with that - "as long as you're trying mum, that's what matters." God I love her.

Joey you need to be 24 hours clear of alcohol so will be able to start the antabuse again tonight. I'm glad that like me you know it can be done - we just need to keep reminding ourselves how good life is without alcohol.Mia it is a golden September isn't it? Hope thing are good with you and thanks for talking such sense to me. NoNo glad DS is coping and well done on not drinking - don't worry too much about eating instead it's very much the lesser of two evils!

Well, my hangover is getting worse by the minute so it's going to be a long day. Wish I'd been able to play the film through to the end before I picked up yesterday. How many of you think alcoholism is an illness by the way? Sometimes I feel it helps to see it that way and but I know opinions differ enormously. I read something about the opioid reward system in drinkers' brains being more sensitive than non-drinkers, hence we get more of a buzz from alcohol. Certainly seems to apply in my case.

Wow rural - great effort

Hope drive goes ok today

Down to London for me for work meeting then paralympics!

soma i find it helps to think of it as an allergy in a way. we react differently to alcohol - not least because it instantly sets off a craving for more - it's like an allergy that compels you to pour more of the thing you're allergic to into yourself. if we don't drink we don't set it off, if we do drink we do.

in aa there is a lot of talk also of the similar minds that alcoholics have, ways of thinking and feeling and behaving that seem to be part of the 'illness' as well. sometimes when i listen it seems that we all found our own heads so unbearable that shutting them up with substances seemed the only thing to do to try and find peace. many talk of a period of their lives where it worked! they got that peace and things were easier, social occasions were doable, dealing with situations x, y and z was manageable etc.

somewhere along the line that ceased to be the case. it didn't work anymore - they couldn't find peace drinking or not drinking. not only did alcohol not do the magic wand trick anymore it also turned things to shit on a regular basis. then they were really fucked.

just sharing what i've heard and learned - not preaching anything. but yeah, listening to people it certainly seems like it is a condition - be that physical/mental/spiritual or all three. some say that condition was there (and they were drinking 'alcoholically') right from the start. others think they were fine for years and then there was a point where they became alcoholic. all agree that once you become alcoholic there is no way back to healthy drinking - whether that is something that has changed in your brain or your body or your soul who knows? but it's like from then on you and alcohol do not mix.

as i say just sharing - not preaching or saying THIS IS TRUTH! gavel! lol.

give yourself a talking to about the driving - no, there's no point beating ourselves with shame but there is point in facing the reality of our actions and their potential consequences. even if you don't believe your driving is impaired when drinking so don't worry you could hurt someone there's still the consequences of what would happen if you had your license taken away - what impact would that have on your life etc. it's not sane behaviour is it?

Sorry xposted with soma. You are very brave to come on here and talk so openly about what happened. I am ashamed to say that I have also probably driven when over the limit. When I went back to work after having DS I was commuting for 1.5hrs daily on the train and a few times i bought a can (or two) of g and t in the station and then drive back home at the end of the train journey. .

I agree with sAf about stopping the noise in my head. It takes me a phenomenal amount of effort to keep myself on track and not drink. I suppose I am trying to find ways of keeping my demons at bay. I should no doubt deal with the demons but have spent hundreds on counselling over the years and never managed it. There is no easy answer. For now it is exercise, frantic activity, excessive MN-ing, going to bed late and eating junk. Better than booze I guess?

Many of us seem to suffer with anxiety / depression. I do too. Not sure if it is chicken and egg with that? I certainly suffered depression and an eating disorder before I discovered booze so perhaps my depression / anxiety did come first?

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Nemo's first official day at Pre-School is this afternoon, he's going to three sessions a week, 12-3pm. Because the statementing process has not been set up in time (thanks to the fuckwittery of others), I am still going in as his 1 to 1 support.

When we saw his Consultant Paediatrician last week, she said that he will get this level of support and also the member of staff who will be that support is going to be trained fully by his nurse on how to administer tube feeds and what to do should the tube become dislodged or come out completely.

Soma - Hey lovely...... Thanks for asking about DD. Nope, she is a real mess, I hope your DD is okay after her first day in year 8? I had my DD sobbing in my arms at 7am this morning and I have no idea why. She just keeps saying she hates school, and can I please home educate her. I have asked about bullying, in many different ways, but she's adamant that it's not that.

It's all getting a touch too hard for me if I'm honest, the needs of everyone else. DD, Nemo, DH..... as with most mothers, I am at the end of the ever growing queue when it comes to support, love, attention, help, anything other than chief cook and bottle washer.

Blah.

Nemo's nurse comes every two weeks to check that his tube is okay, that his skin underneath the plasters is okay, his weight is okay, bowels, bits and bobs are all as they should be. She's been an absolute Godsend. I resented her at first, he was my baby, I was his mother and I was going to be the one to do everything. She's become part of the family really and has a fantastic time playing with him when she comes.

I'm really worried about lovely little June after reading your post about her parents separating. You know how difficult change can be for children like June.......

Maybe we can talk about this off thread as not to air any dirty laundry and talk practicalities when it comes to you helping? Sorry, that sounds like I'm taking this off the thread because it's only between us, I don't mean it like that

I will PM you as soon as I get a chance xx

What are your plans re the drinking Soma? I mean really? I'm worried about you and I'm really worried about you letting DD down, dare I say again? Cast your mind back to your first few posts, her 'catching' you drink, her catching you hiding the drinking, the sadness and disappointment in her face, in her heart...... think about what you are doing. Think long and hard because you really do only get a few chances (if not one) to get this right and earn her support and trust..... xx

Wise words Mouse. My cousins's daughter is very ashamed of her mother's drinking. Clearly the situation is very different and I don't want to offend you by drawing a parallel because I am not. When we went down to see the family in February, I had her daughter in my car. She had been to the cinema with us and had been very quiet. She was clearly trying to suss out if she could trust us. She asked exactly how we were related and whether I was an aunt. Then she said 'you do know about my mum, don't you? You know she drinks'. It broke my heart. She was obviously having a nice time - something that doesn't happen much in her life - but before she could relax and enjoy herself she felt like she needed to make sure I knew her mum was alcoholic. Almost as in - I like you but you won't like me once you know about my mum. The very last thing any of us wants is for our kids to be damaged by our drinking. Your DD is upset by you drinking, soma and I am sure you don't want to let her down

One of the things that made me realise that I needed to get a grip of my drinking was when I was brushing Ds's teeth one night and he said 'I can smell wine on you'. . He is only 6. I was so embarrassed.

I hope Nemo has a lovely time today mouse. And that the statementing doesn't take too much longer.

Last night I wanted to get wasted for a number of pointless blah blah reasons. I didn't though.

DH said a few things that I really didn't want to hear, my behaviour has changed in the last 12+ months. He blames my ever changing medication medley which is a fair point but hearing him tell me how I'm behaving was like listening to him talking about someone else. It felt so raw, and it made me want to bolt for the door.

So much is going on right now. We're away with his family this weekend for an anniversary party, then my lovely friend's mother's funeral is on Tuesday and is a good 3 hour drive from here. I need to find someone to have DD so I don't take her out of school.

School......... there's that word again that makes her go pale and me feel pangs of guilt for making her go. I can't win on that one, she has to go and I have to tell them about the issues we now have.

Nemo is pushing his boundaries, he's 3 so of course he is. He gets no special allowances for bad behaviour, and they say he's also 'borderline' (whatever that means) autistic. Aren't we all? I know I suffer from OCD. Fact. I always have. I love lists, everything has a place so put it back there. Leave it alone, it's not a toy etc

My head is spinning and I can't retain anything, any info, arrangements, events, when and where etc.... which pisses DH off big time. He thinks I'm not listening but I am, it just doesn't seem to stay one it's in. I forget things, things we've just disused or are discussing.

My head is full, I need to slow down and empty the boxes for a while.

I'm hoping that these three afternoons will help to give me some more routine as well as Nemo.

I'm sorry that I've not read back again. You are all so important. KEEP POSTING SO THAT YOU KEEP IT REAL, KEEP IT IN FRONT OF YOU.

I need to get ready, be back later hopefully xxxx

Sorry rant.

Lovely Mouse it seems you're at the end of your tether and yet you managed not to drink last night. You're an inspiration :) It must be heartbreaking to see your lovely girl in such a state over school and especially as you don't have a handle of what's going on. Have you considered contacting the school and sounding them out? Does she have supportive friends? Re: Nemo's nurse, she sounds like a real help and I wonder if ex-H should see if he can get similar assistance for June. The trouble is he has such a low opinion of the medical profession he'd rather do it all himself and I don't know if this is the best for her. DD thinks the same but it's hard for me to get involved other than to try and keep abreast of what's going on.

I know with regard to DD that I'm going to run out of chances (if I haven't already) and how hard it will be to re-earn her trust. NoNo thanks so much for sharing the story of your cousin's DD - how old is she? It could so easily go the same way for me and I know I can't make excuses for my behaviour anymore. And Saf thank you for your long, insightful post and especially these words: all agree that once you become alcoholic there is no way back to healthy drinking - whether that is something that has changed in your brain or your body or your soul who knows? but it's like from then on you and alcohol do not mix.

Florence I hope you're feeling a bit stronger, how was yesterday? Maybe just reading about what we're all going through will make you appreciate how alcohol can take over your life for many many years and I do so hope that you get control of it while you're still so young.

mouse - i hope the statement gets sorted soon so you can get a few hours to yourself and equally so that nemo gets a few hours to himself away from home as just another little boy itms and to be one of the kids. to state the obvious with a body full of morphine and all the other stuff it is not surprising that you have trouble concentrating/remembering etc. people take these kind of drugs recreationally to get fucked frankly so... you know... obviously you're not going to be razor sharp! not sure there's anything you can do about that except keep exploring ways of moving forward that could involve less or no opiates. hope dd is ok and feels better once she's been and faced it - things often seem far worse in the build up than in the reality - hope that's the case for her x

soma - no worries - no real insight just stuff i've picked up from others or noticed from being around other alcoholics sharing about their experiences and feelings and stuff. hope your hangover isn't too brutal and you're not feeling too depressed and anxious whilst it gets out of your system x

ds is at school (woo hoo), i've done some more wallpaper stripping and some washing and given the lhasa a little facial trim - she has eyes!!! who knew?!? i feel a lot more bonded now we can make eye contact - before she was this random ball of fur that could've been up to anything under all that hair

must make myself eat something and then will plough on with some edging and clearing up the latest round of paper from the floor. slow progress but it's progress

oh and thanks for the text mouse - sorry - not being very religious with my phone as usual plus am way over limits and inclusive stuff at the minute so avoiding using the thing.

soma - I don't think you have run out of chances but the more times she feels like you have let her down, the longer it will take for you to gain her trust. You absolutely can do it. I am reminded of JWN's post about her DD's wedding and how she had turned around her relationship with her daughter once sober. You CAN do it - you need to step out of the ring and be prepared not to fight with alcohol any longer

My cousin's daughter is 9. She is a very sweet girl but very withdrawn. To compound issues she has never known her father and has basically been neglected by her mother to the point that SS removed her and her half-brother (who has a different father whom he also doesn't know) from their mother. The damage is done to these poor kids but still their mother cannot stop drinking. Not even when the threat of not seeing her kids is right in front of her. I have to think that this is an illness as it is the only way I can understand how a mother could get into this situation

Mouse - you have so much on your plate. I hope you have emotional support from friends. How is communication generally with DH and does he also have a sounding board?

soma - I don't think you have run out of chances but the more times she feels like you have let her down, the longer it will take for you to gain her trust. You absolutely can do it. I am reminded of JWN's post about her DD's wedding and how she had turned around her relationship with her daughter once sober. You CAN do it - you need to step out of the ring and be prepared not to fight with alcohol any longer

My cousin's daughter is 9. She is a very sweet girl but very withdrawn. To compound issues she has never known her father and has basically been neglected by her mother to the point that SS removed her and her half-brother (who has a different father whom he also doesn't know) from their mother. The damage is done to these poor kids but still their mother cannot stop drinking. Not even when the threat of not seeing her kids is right in front of her. I have to think that this is an illness as it is the only way I can understand how a mother could get into this situation

Mouse - you have so much on your plate. I hope you have emotional support from friends. How is communication generally with DH and does he also have a sounding board?

Oops. Said it didn't post first time. Obviously it did!

Afternoon babes,

A beautiful day here, just the kind of september day you imagine- cool, bright and sunny. I managed last night af, but only just, the witch really had her claws in me!

rural 13 days! almost a fortnight. Hope the appointment goes well.

mouse you sound so tried of running around after everyone, of course they are the people you love, but you sound tired. May I make a suggestion? While Nemo is at playgroup,when you don't have to attend as his 1-1, please just stop and sleep and rest.Perhaps your dd just has start of term nerves? Maybe when the 1st full week is over she'll feel a little calmer.

soma that was a very honest post.

kotinka I meant to say to you that I'm starting an OU course in october, It's only a module but I'm very, very excited. My brain (I typed that as Brian lol) hurts a bit from reading the introduction to a text book. This has come about because of you lot: when I had my (long distant) sober stretch earlier this year I applied and sorted out what I needed to do for the course. So,I'm expecting to do really well and that you lot will be prepared to write a few essays for me? Also kot I hope you didn't mind me teasing about going back to school, it's just that I'm usually on the OTHER side of the door. In the past when I've opened the door in September, parents shove their offspring in with cries of ' thank god the holidays are over' and by the end of the day, you know what they mean! So,I didn't intend to be unkind when you mentioned about looking forward to the kids going back to school!

31 days:) time now to tackle the weight I have definitely put on, going to give low carb a go and chocolate and crisps the door

lordy, I miss ONE day and this bus is speeding off down the motorway, throwing kids out to school, trimming dog hair, and I don't even know who's driving today! Haven't seen silver or greyhound for a while?

saf you're right of course, mirtazapine is an appetite stimulant, that's the excuse I'm using for eating all this chocolate

NoNo work seems better, I had the courage to ask the manager (overall boss, not my manager, I went above her head...) to give one of my jobs to a more appropriate person. Again, a very insignificant job which barely makes a dent in my workload - but the fact that I asked and she said yes - has improved my self-esteem. And my actual boss is acting all grateful for everything I do

soma aww hen, don't beat yourself up. Perhaps its a more realistic promise to say you will try your hardest not to drink, rather than never-ever? And your DD learns that adults do sometimes make mistakes, and we pick ourselves up and try again. (and again. and again...)

saf an allergy to alcohol sounds about right! My daughter asked DH what alcohol was like, what being drunk felt like... he replied "A little bit of alcohol makes people feel relaxed and happy, too much makes them feel ill." Of course he speaks as one who can have just one beer and then stop. My experience is its soooo much more complicated than that! He didn't mention any of the emotions, the cravings, the obsessing.... we're in different worlds...

mouse hello dear, I will try and do some more work for you tomorrow. Let me know if there's anything specific you want me to look at. Sounds like you need a break from everything... do you really need to do all the visiting family & friends? Is your DDs stress some reflection of whats going on in the family (thats just a wild guess) My DD was miserable at school for a while, and it does break your heart to have to send them off...

Posting from the Olympic village to wish everyone a calm evening. Surrounded by people with pints of beer and stalls selling wine and champagne. Argh!! And it is blisteringly hot. A pint would be so welcome. But no. I won't. Have been on the bus for 3 weeks now - have had one drink about 10 days ago. I am not wrecking it now.

Be strong NoNo and think of all of us sitting on the bus with you!