The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

Squirrel you know plenty and must stay on the bus with us :) If you're not bingeing what's your drinking pattern if you don't mind me asking? And have you lined up a GP appointment yet?

Glad I didn't drink yesterday, the day after is always shite (even though I don't feel physically awful). It's more a case of the light being a bit too bright, sounds being a bit too loud and people being a bit too annoying. Combined with the tiredness and the deadness in my head it's as if I'm only half-alive.

Saf please come and say hello when you're up.

must have cross posted there soba.

i'm up. i'm ok.

not sure if i mentioned this is my waffle yesterday but the depressive thinking was instantly back for me - right down to stupid suicidal thoughts of how everyone would be better off without me. i need to put some distance between me and those bottles of wine. whatever it takes to get through today. i have to do it.

Morning babes
Hi saf hope you feel ok today. Sorry, but I don't think you have wasted time at all. 5 months is a brilliant achievement. What do they say about slipping up in aa? I'm not part of aa yet, will get there some day, but I suspect that a slip up is a normal part of early sobriety? In the long run, testing what happens if...is part of the learning process for everything we do.I think you will do ok:I can't imagine that you are planning to drink tonight. Have you spoken to your sponser? (not sure if that is the right word)

I drink because I'm lazy and can't move on from comfortable patterns of behaviour, but mostly I drink because it's a disease and it's addictive.

I'm in awe of anyone who gets to 5 months or 5 days,I have to accept that I probably won't ever get that far but I'm still doing better than I have done for years and years.

Big wave to all the lovely babes, odaat. Now about that scone, can I have butter or jam?

I have had shortbread with a cup of tea for breakfast. Diet starts tomorrow!

Saf I used to get blocked 'fuzzy' ears the morning after.

Squirrel, I agree with Soma, keep posting

It is just me, or is there a slight nip in the air this morning. It smells like September. I love this month, am looking forward to bright crisp mornings, cool air, warm fires, jumpers and boots, kicking through the leaves, scarves and hot chocolate.

Not looking forward to dark evenings and, even worse imo, dark, dark mornings! Here we go again babes, a new month, the start of a new school year and a fresh new start for us all

(Can you tell I am back to work tomorrow after six weeks off? Just psyching myself up )

A comment earlier made me wonder...does everyone equate being sober with being completely teetotal? If I say I have been one week sober does that mean with no drink at all? I would say I haven't been drunk for many years but I have had very very few non drinking days. Maybe that's just my tolerance level which tells its own story I suppose....

it's been smelling an awful lot like blumming november here faire for the last week.

starting to lose faith in my magical idea that come wednesday we're going to drop the kids back to you and the skies are going to clear instantly to reveal a beautiful indian summer that has just been waiting for the school gates to reopen

and yes squirrel - keep posting.

thanks for wise words gugg. yesterday it all felt so hopeless. today it's about working back to the positive.

how's the psyching up process going faire??

x posted - yep sobriety means alcohol free to me.

the first sip equals not sober.

Saf that's what happens with me too, the depressive thinking kicks in after the initial euphoria of having wine inside me wears off. And it lasts at least 24 hours and if I have another drink it starts all over again. Therefore when I drink I must be depressed a lot of the time. How stupid is that when I'm on SSRIs? Glad you're OK this morning and full of insight.

Ma interesting comment, that you haven't been drunk for a very long time but drink most days. Is it OK to ask how much you drink? I think it was Carrie who said that she drinks to get drunk and so do I, and always when I drink alone that happens. My tolerance is no doubt higher than it was though and one bottle usually isn't enough anymore. But yes, being sober means being TT for me. Faire loving the description of autumn, can't wait for the rustling leaves and the smell of bonfires.

I'm gearing myself up to phone a friend who's always trying to get me to go to bars because she has this idea that we should try meeting men (we're both in our 50s FGS). I'm a born-again singleton and have no interest in men and what with not drinking it would be torture for me (she drinks, a lot). I keep fobbing her off and just going round to hers for coffee/lunch instead which I enjoy. Wondering though if I should just be straight and tell her going bar-hopping in London isn't my idea of fun anymore.

soma - i cut down my ads a little every month after stopping drinking - was down to a third of what i was on and doing ok. the alcohol is definitely a huge player in the depression though i utterly used to deny that to myself.

i'd go with telling the friend straight that it isn't going to happen - you could recommend internet dating sites and say you'll support her in that? re: you are there for her and her friend and want to be supportive but you can't do it the way she wants because it's no good for you and that's fine.

have been to football practice with ds and he's now playing out with a friend. have a cup of coffee and then i must get on with trying to sort the house out a bit and write lists of what needs doing before school starts and get on the case with sorting it.

Thanks Saf, I'll try and do that.

Have things to sort too, hope I don't find that DD has grown out of her uniform over the summer.

good luck. hanging onto the bus today i'm afraid so lots of posting from me.

i have made it through the morning. this afternoon i will not drink.

hey SAF and Soma sorry I wasn't here to catch you when you fell But good to see that you have managed to pull yourselves up.

You are both strong women and you WILL be able to beat it, just start all over again and keep on posting.

I think you are both right that there is no half way house for us, not drinking at all is the only hope for me, and I find that although it is hard to tell people that I do not drink any more (I do get some looks) the more people I tell, the more resolved I have to me, because I could not bear to lose face to my friends and family.

be not me!

Soma I agree with Saf (I could have that as a tattoo couldn't I ) about telling your friend it's not your thing. In any case, people who go out 'looking for men' generally end up with losers, imo.

Now, just going out with her for a change of scenery and a bit of a laugh, would be much more appealing I think, but if that's not what she wants then maybe stick to the coffee and a cake type of meet ups.

Ma interesting question. I think for 'normal' drinkers they would say that not getting drunk means that they are sober. But then, you can still be over the limit for driving and relatively sober. There is a point where drinking becomes drunk and I think it's probably different for all of us.

I don't drink to get drunk. In fact, these days, I hate being drunk, I avoid it at all costs and can't remember the last time.

I'm like you, ma, I drink but I don't get drunk. Hmmm, for me I don't have to be TT to be sober. But I do need to stop at one, possibly two glasses or I know I will cross that line.

Mouse how are things with you, how is your poor friend coping with the terrible tragedy? How is your lovely dh these days, still struggling to keep his patience? How I wish, now, more than ever, that we really did have a Babeland, where we could set up camp and pass hot chocolate around the fire and just . . . offload. Thinking of you, lovely mousie x

Bproud great to hear from you again

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Sorry to have not been around for the last few days, one of my closest friend's mum died very suddenly at her DD's (my friend's twin sister's) wedding for those who didn't know.

I'm sorry to see that some of the Babes have fallen off the Bus, especially those who were doing to very well and had managed to remain sober for so much longer than they had ever thought possible......

It just goes to show that we're ALL only one drink, one sip away from going down to the very bottom of a bottle or more.

For those who have fallen, just get back on the Bus, assuming that's what you want? See, sometimes it's not. Sometimes you just wanted a 'break' from the cyclical shit that goes with drinking every day or every other day......

The drinking depression, the emotional drudgery, the anger, fear, the terror of your actions. What have you done? You've undone all of your hard work but you've not killed anyone.... yes, you fucked up but you posted about it. You were honest, brave and admitted to yourself as well as us that you'd been/are drinking.

Whether that happened when you did actually drink is another matter but you've got it out now, and to me, that's what matters. For me, it's all about taking the label and stigma away from having an alcoholic drink, whether it be one or more, the honesty is what keeps it real.

I've been an enabler in the past, I'm not proud of that but I've sat with a friend and shared encouraged more drinking, just another two or seven.... oh and yeah, let's add my meds into the mix shall we?

Addicts lie

No matter your addiction, you lie. You lie to hide it, you lie to lesson the blow, you lie to stop the guilt, you lie so you can drink some more, if you want to. YOU LIE.

So what now? How many times are you going to get on and off the Bus? No-one can say for sure, there is no bigger picture with addiction is there? Not that I can see. I want there to be a bigger picture but it's still slightly out of focus for me.

An addict? You're not an addict though, right? Nope, nor me. You just use drink to 'cope', to 'hide', to 'forgive' yourself, to make it all better, to 'reward' yourself. An addict drinks in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, the time right?

It doesn't matter what time you use your weapon of choice, you still use it.

I am genuinely sorry to those who were doing so very well and now feel like they have undone all that hard, life changing work, for, well, nothing (assuming that you do) but what happens from here on in is totally up to you.

YOU.

The great thing about this place and AA, or whatever/whoever it is that helps you to cope, is that they'll always have their doors open. AA do, this Bus does, my friends do......

I know that if I'm wobbling (and this last week I have been drinking more to cope with not being able to hold my friend whilst she sobbed down the phone to me, not being able to just sit and hold her until she was so very tired of crying, of the anger, the raw emotions, that she fell asleep so I could watch over her all night) my real friends, my true friends will be there for me.

I'm lucky that I have friends who understand what it's like to use something as a crutch to support yourself with. Some are nearby and I can get to them in moments, others not so. I'm lucky that I have DH too. He has been brilliant this last week.

I've been a mess, trying to ignore it all, block out my friend's pain and of course my own physical ongoing torture.

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now. Sorry for the long post.

Stay Brave Babes xx

X post - Faire - DH is getting better, he's not great with change and hated the fact that he had planned 2 weeks off work and ended up working so couldn't get done what he wanted........ typical child, sorry I meant man

Communication is what saves us. I tell him he's being an arse and he apologies. I mean that in a nice way, he's much more accepting of my criticisms than a few months back.

Life can be just as hard for him as for me and I too need to realise that. No sleep is what kills him. He just can't function on no sleep, or rather broken sleep. I can do weeks

Thanks for asking after me Faire - I missed you guys xx

saf aww [hugs] you sounded so angry with yourself last night - I think the alchol-triggered depression was obvious from your posts. Don't beat yourself up, everyone makes me mistakes.

soma actually I do - usually - like my job. What's getting me down at the moment is there seems to be so much paperwork, and also there's just such a lot... but I honestly think that would be the same, or worse, werever I went. The manager does seem to have given me extra stuff to do lately, I don't know how to say to her - I can't manage this.

And no, I don't do what some hard-working conscientious types do and drive myself to exhaustion. I just don't do the jobs, bury my head in the sand, have a drink to block out the worry and then get told I'm on being monitored for incompetence. The fact that I was 'diagnosed' with CFS after they said I was incompetent makes it seem like I've come up with an excuse.

And part of me still believes it is an excuse, I'm just lazy, forgetful, hungover... actually I'm dreading going in to work tomorrow. There's a sort of anxiety that comes from thinking I'll never manage it all... I get this feeling of paralysis or panic or something....

god I feel really pathetic writing all this down! Sorry.

Last night we had the in-laws over, got very merry and it was quite nice. Kids behaved - mostly, but thank goodness for school next week! - managed not to argue with MIL too much. Drank too much, but managed to pour my final glass down the sink. (Just habit that I poured it out in the first place I think!)

I think alcohol in those situations would be okay - if it didn't trigger a binge the following day. Unfortunately there is wine leftover, which is going to sit on the shelf and haunt me.

I'm torn between drinking it tonight and getting rid of it, and then planning a 5 week ride on the bus. Or leaving it till tomorrow and using it as something to look forward to for making it through work. Yes I know both those options are wrong, but I can't think of an alternative that doesn't involve my head exploding!

Sorry these posts are so self-centred, I woke up late feeling very CFS-y this morning (alcohol? hmmm?????) haven't walked the dog or done anything and just feel guilty and pathetic.

Haven't been able to read back. Ds has fractured his elbow and we have spent all day in a and e. feeling like I need alcohol but mustn't.

Hi all. I don't drink to get drunk,never have. Hate the spinning head and puking that goes with being drunk so can honestly say I have been sober . i.e not drunk - for years.
However I drink pretty much every night,from two glasses to a bottle. Way too much. So I have a drink problem,not a drunk problem. Semantics

Evening babes

I love the idea of babeland and I love the name 'babes' too. When I read posts I 'see' amazing, strong and very, very clever women fighting the demon booze.I hear people run themselves down too which makes me sad, not the way I think about you lot at all.

mouse great post, I'm glad that for tonight, I've abstained, and read your post instead.We've all tried to own up honestly to drinking and to climb back on the bus as soon as we are able.

ma I can see that there are different definitions of sober,I would only say that I'm sober if I've completely abstained. My stretches of 'sobriety' only stretch for one /two days at the moment, so I doubt that anyone would describe that as sobriety. It works for me because it's all I can manage right now.

nono is your Ds ok?

joey lots of jobs seem to come with a huge quantity of stress as an added extra. I hate it, the whole process of analysing productivity, setting targets, moving the goal posts,the politics behind it all. It's a really uncreative part of modern life and I'm not convinced that it's productive at all, I mean in general not your particular situation.

Kotinka the wine witch nearly got me today. Hard isn't it? bugger.

NoNo how did your DS manage to fracture his elbow? At least he didn't do it at the begining of the holidays and spend 6 weeks being unable to do anything except watch TV. (how many times can they repeat Tracy Beaker??) How is he feeling now, did they give him painkillers?

guggs yes there is a lot of setting targets, statistics etc. I spoke earlier about my 45-point workplan! I think its the same wherever you are, sometimes I just feel very panicky that I might forget something or get it wrong. We have a huge online folder where everybody puts their work to share, and sometimes folders go missing or get moved, and I feel overwhelmed just typing this actually... but isn't everyone in the same boat? I can't go whining to my boss saying I can't cope with all these statistics, she'll just say that my counterpart in xxx office has to, we all have to.

Dear Mouse, what compassion you have. The time you spend on your wonderful posts even when in the middle of such sadness. Thank you so much. Bproud I often think of you and how you've decided not to drink at all and wish I could be as strong as you and stick with it. Losing face is also a huge issue for me, DD in particular would be so disappointed in me if she knew I was drinking again.

Faire, Ma I would love to be able to drink and not want to feel the buzz. It never gets to the stage these days when I throw up or get what I used to call the "whirling pits" (lying in bed with the room spinning around) but being pissed is the whole point of drinking for me. So it was when I discovered alcohol at 14, so it is now. Well, we've all made it to the end of another week, wobbles and all.
Onwards and upwards babes :)