The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

Afternoon babes

saf-that's a horrible and shocking thing for your mum to have done. Just horrid!

Rural do not give in now, or you will end up like up me ; drinking, not drinking,drinking, not drinking repeat 'till you fall over.

I'm laughing a bit at the summer holidays comments,September is the only month in the year when everyone loves teachers. Stick it out for a further 2 days, it's not long.

mysterything I have magnesium tablets at the ready.Thank you for that,I hope they make a difference.

joey the toffee sundae was very nice thank you. I notice that carrie didn't share cake even though I asked! I think that you should send your manager our way,tell her she has to have an interview with the babes we have some things for her to think about.

Right, I'm not drinking today and I abstained last night even though I saw some friends.The tt has set his switch from demon to angel and is sleeping properly again. Sigh.

hate having to say this but i have been drinking.

for those who are managing to stay away currently know this: it is instant. the madness is instant. if you are an alcoholic the SECOND you have a drink you are back there. there really isn't even a warm up. you're back to everything feeling/being wrong unless you have a drink in your hand. it doesn't fuck about with you.

i feel like a massive failure and it would have been much easier to hide this but i have drunk and from the moment i did drink the alkie was back. everything felt wrong - literally the only medicine for that wrongness was a drink. this illness is not imagined or trivial. it is real and life destroying.

Oh sAf - hugs and you are right

I have spent the day with my cousin and her sister's kids. The middle sister is an alcoholic and the impact on the kids is horrific. If ever there was a warning to me...

Ah lovely Saf, we're with you. It is instantaneous and the desire to drink comes out of nowhere (me the day before yesterday). Please don't feel a failure - you're a strong and lovely person who happens to have problems with alcohol.

So many of us are on the drinking/not-drinking treadmill (you're not alone Gugg) and we're all trying to get off somehow. Any particular reason you picked up or was it just one of those out of the blue moments of madness?

SAF It's a horrible feeling - all that undoing of the good work. Other people said to me when I came back that I had done it before, so I could do it again. It's just that we would all so dearly love never to have to do it again, wouldn't we? If this time was always, certainly, definitely the last time. Like Soma said, can you identify what triggered you picking up? What was different this time to all the times recently when you haven't?

Guggs very sorry I never shared my cake. It all got eaten in a trice. I do, however, have some yummy cheese and watercress scones I've just bought from the local agricultural show - shall I warm one up for you?

Slip ups are just part of the journey, there's a Samuel Beckett quote I love: Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

As for me, I'm drinking moderately at the moment - partly because I'm viewing alcohol with a slight suspicion (madness to keep drinking in that case, I know :))

Trinity here

I haven't had a single alcoholic drink for 8 and a half weeks

hope everyone is ok

good luck with everything you're doing

yeah all that good work carrie.

and it's instant. instantly back to feel horrendous and the only thing that will make it more tolerable is a drink. at least i'm left in no doubt.

Woohoo Trinity! That's fantastic - I'm so ! Do you miss it? Has it been a breeze or taken every ounce of willpower? Do tell!

SAF, you sound soooo despondent - can you stop now, drink plenty of water and eat something sweet? Or has it gone beyond that? Sending you hugs x

Saf Did something happen? Can you get to a meeting today? I would be interested to hear what they say about relapses. My view is that everything is not undone by one slip up. You still have all those days under your belt. You do not need to drink. Maybe you need to drink right now but that does not mean that you have to do so the rest of your life. One Day. Is all it is, my lovely x

It has been far too easy tbh

only now I've started feeling a tiny bit wobbly sometimes

but I'm being strong and clever

there's a lot that happened and could be 'blamed' but essentially i just decided to drink.

on some level it was an experiment. i was the only person who'd never drank since they came in, i was the only one who hadn't had slips etc. that in itself wasa pressure tbh - like who the fuck do i think i am? add to that the sorting my home out, the being offered places on counselling msc's and even daring to turn them down and the who do i think i am business grew and grew.

what i can tell you is that IF you are an alkie, and i, without a doubt now, am, there is an instant response to drinking. you are very much back in the room. i am back in the insanity and there are but two choices - medicate the madness with the only medicine it resonds to: booze or deal with the unmedicated madness for the few days or so it takes in order to be ok again once i get through that week or so without booze.

as logical and obvious a choice as it is i can't tell you if i'll make the right choice or not.

i like to think i will make that choice but i can't tell you when i'll make it. big, terrible, not comforting it really is back to square one the minute you put it back in the mix. if i had any doubts they'regone now - this is alchoholism - this is what it looks and feels like. not big dramatic hoo hahs just this.

sorry.

sorry that's very muddled in writing.

what i can tell you is how it feels after a long spell of not drinking. you are INSTANTLY back there. there is no gradual lulling in - at least not for me. it is pure and simple alcoholism.

you have set the craving ball rolling and it will have to be either served (by drinking) or ignored by determinedly going through not giving in to the desire to drink. and it's not a theoretical desire to drink because you have reawoken the solid, physical desire to drink. fair play if you can ignore it, that's grand, but if you're an alkie and know you are powerless over that monster then it IS back in the room and screaming at you.

it is NOT a 'i'll have a drink because i'll enjoy it and it'll be nice' thing it is quite simply a 'i'll drink some alcohol because my skin might fall off if i don't - i'm 'itchy' from not drinking and having a drink is what will stop the itch'.

i'm not joking. i hope this makes zero sense to you and zero relation to your own slips. because if it does then woohoo you have the joy of NOT being an alcholic. congrats.

for those of you with me on the alkie arse bugger fuck shite poo train.... hmm. this is it then. whada you know shmo? shall we tackle it?

apologies to all this is random waffle to

Checking in. saf thinking of you. Don't have any answers for you. Sorry

no worries ma, there are no answers. i just literally have to go through the initial medicine-less interlude to be back into sanity land again. no one can make me do that other than me. same as, when i was doing well, there was bugger all i could do to convince other alkies that the minute they stopped drinking and faced they couldn't drink they'd feel better.

we're all sort of together yet alone.

how are you doing ma? how are things at home?

It makes total sense to me Saf. I hadn't been abstinent as long as you but still long enough to kid myself I was in control. And then I got an itch, and it got so unbearable that I had to pour a bottle of wine down my neck. I hope it isn't the first of many.

I'm pretty new to this thread so apologies if I'm talking rubbish, but SAF and Soma can you both try to think of it as a once in a blue moon type of thing (quite literally!) and get back on the wagon (bus)?

Alcohol's a depressant anyway so there is that in addition to 'breaking' your goal, but it's only a temporary setback.

It makes sense to me too Saf (I hope that's not a bad sign ).

It sound like you're in a complete free-fall at the moment so we've all got the play parachute out to catch you. If we all hold tight babes it should be strong enough.

I hear anger in your post too Saf and determination and intelligence. Not sure how it all fits together but you are coming across as quite strong. I don't think all is lost for you.

I wish JWN were around right now, and Venus and Mouse and Isinde or even MIFLAW with their wonderful words of wisdom, plain speaking and good old common sense.

x

Saf Hope to feel able to get out of the ring and walk away again soon. I have just the same reaction and feelings you describe when I pick up that first glass after managing to abstain for a few days. Yeah Im instantly back to needing to drink myself into oblivion every night to cope with my life.
gugg you sound positive and back on track well done glad tt sleeping well.
carrie thanks for the kind words of support, hope things going well for you.
trinity/pippa well done stay strong.

I have not picked up today and cannot now no alcohol and shops closed.
That means I have managed 9 days without alcohol.
I'LL Decide whether to drink tomorrow,tomorrow iyswim. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Hope you are still doing OK koti.
Another sleepless night coming up probably, have got the phenergan used to give it my daughter (it was prescribed) when she was a baby as she was diagnosed hyperactive-- didn't sleep much day or night, she.s the opposite now as is often the case.

Rural,well done.
I'm not even trying to stop. I don't have the energy to battle with ,myself.
Hang in there saf.

Btw I didn't mean that the rest of the babes weren't wonderful too, sorry folks

Well done rural

'Ello Kotinka, hope you are getting on ok with the cravings. Start again and best of luck!

I am really unsure about what to do with regard to drinking so if I am awful on here please tell me and I'll get off, so to speak :)

I have periods of my life where I've been unhappy with my drinking, I have felt very differently about it since the concept of mindfulness with responsibility sunk in and haven't binged since...but am still considering whether I need to stop entirely or not...that will have to wait til I find a good doctor.

koti at least you enjoyed your 2009 shiraz. Know what you mean about the cravings being worse the day after you have caved in. Hope you got through tonight and wake up without that foggy feeling I am very familiar with.
The insomniac is now going to try to sleep.
Goodnight allxx

thanks everyone.

augustsquirrel - the once in a blue moon thing did occur to me

well done rural on 9 days - stick with it, it is so worth it and you've done the hardest bit in terms of feeling crappy and craving and stuff imo.

faire - thanks. i found it so hard to admit to you all that i'd drank again. nearly 5months sober ffs. such a waste.

my sinus' are back to feeling full of dizzy inducing glue today. funny that even my sinus problems turned out to be alcohol related - hadn't had any real problems with them whilst i was sober i now realise. prior to that i had years of sinus pain and problems that would sometimes flare up to the level of needing treatment. weird.

right. it's gotta go back to one day at a time i guess! maybe even one hour at a time if that's what it takes.

friday i drank one bottle of wine, saturday i drank two. bleurgh.

day one.