The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

have a lovely time nono xx

Quick post from work because I need to fess up. I drank a bottle of wine last night which was possible because I'd decided last week to just take antabuse when I got a craving so I haven't got any in my system. This strategy was of course doomed to fail because when I got a craving yesterday afternoon I thought WTF, I'd really like a drink so I'm going to have one!

It hardly touched the sides of course and it makes me wonder what the last few months have been about; what's obvious is that you can come a long way and then just slip back with the greatest of ease. I don't want to rely on antabuse anymore, it's not going to solve my underlying problem and just acts as a sticking plaster. Time to take another good hard look at myself.

Thinking of you all, Squirrel it is hard to know which path to take and some days it will seem clearer than others, Carrie is it day 4 today? Well done. NoNo enjoy your kids and hope the weather holds. And Mystery I'll look out for the blue moon tonight, should be a clear sky if the weather this morning's anything to go by. 1st September tomorrow, start of the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness.

Oh Soma it is so easy to slip back! I don't think there are many people on this thread who haven't felt like you do now. I don't have any answers about where you go from here - although I know my mother had a slow release antabuse implant inserted (this was back in the '70s). Although you say you don't want to rely on antabuse, it really worked for you for a while?

I'm feeling strong, thank you for asking in the midst of your own tribulations. Day 4 today, and the wine witch is safely in her cage. I really need to discover why I find it all so easy for a while, then crash spectacularly. I liked the analogy of playing the movie through to the end - I can't remember who posted that, but it struck a chord with me.

Gorgeous weather today, and I am making the most of being sans kids to clean and tidy the house. Very cathartic. I love the start of autumn.

saf I am starting to feel very panicky about the amount of work on, but not convinced about going to HR. My experience is although they make a show of helping employees, their primary responsbility if to the company. For example my colleague who is hardly ever off sick (unlike me...) had 3 days off last year. The third time for a migraine, which she doesn't often get. Being off 3 times triggers an alert to HR and she had to make an appointment with them. Their advice was to get migraine medication from GP. Despite the fact she doesn't usually get them, and hardly wants to take strong drugs on the off-chance that she might get a migraine! It was probably due to stress from over-work anyway, but HRs job is to get bums on seats...

Also when my DH was made redundant last year, HR were extremely pro-company not pro-employee.

Cynical, moi?!

soma love don't beat yourself up! You made a mistake, its not the end of the world. Maybe you just need to take the antabuse for longer, what is the recommendation?

Soma the good thing is that you know that you can go long periods without drinking. If you want to stay off the antabuse and stop drinking altogether, then what about aa? You just need to avoid that first glass, you know those cravings will pass, aa can keep you focussed and on track.

Alternatively, go back on the antabuse.

I wonder, did you deliberately not have any on you so that you could drink? Did you feel the urge building up, even subconsciously maybe? Did you feel like you needed one last blow out before stopping complete? And, if so, do you feel like you have had that blow out now and are ready to stop?

Sorry for all the questions

yeah i have to say i don't mean see them as in they'll take care of you but as in see them and cover your back, get it on record that you have health problems and have asked for support, asked not to receive extra responsibilities etc and have been ignored. get it on record that your condition is being worsened by your treatment at work and is work related.

sorry if you thought i meant that they'll be on your side - they'll be on the side of making sure the right boxes are ticked and what she's doing is not ticking the right boxes iyswim and you would be showing you have a paper trail and evidence of those boxes not being ticked (re: you requested no extra responsibilities and hopefully have a record of that and a record of her then adding to your workload).

it's about the game really - know that's awful but it is about knowing how the game works and forcing hands that are refusing to do things just because it's right or fair or decent.

soma honestly i think you're probably going to have to face and name what's wrong with you and start dealing with it from there. only you can do that obviously. but without that then yes i believe antabuse will just be a sticking plaster and you already know how to 'play' it and just make it another part of the madness iyswim. no point beating yourself up but probably is a good time to think what needs to change because what you were doing obviously isn't working - that make sense?

Joey I agree with Saf about 'the game'. You need to fight your corner. The touble is, your illness is making it very difficult for you to cope at the moment and you probably don't have the strength to fight. This is where employers can take the piss advantage.

Could you join a union?

"I really need to discover why I find it all so easy for a while, then crash spectacularly". You and me both Carrie but you sound really upbeat today so enjoy your time before DCs come home - DD is back tonight from over a week away so my house will no longer be empty.

Faire and Saf your observations are so helpful to me. And Faire maybe it was an unconscious decision to stop the antabuse. But as the day goes on I'm feeling more and more depressed and tired and pissed off with myself and I want these feelings to end, once and for all. And there's only one way to do that, I have to stop drinking. God bless this bus and all who sail in her (and on and next to her) :)

saf yes I see what you mean about getting it on record. I'm really just not sure how to go about it. Seems pointless talking to my manager, but I don't want to go over her head to The Boss.

soma some people have to take medication for the rest of their lives, can you see alcohol as a physical problem and just accept the antabuse?

I'm one to talk, failing spectacularly this week. I don't drink a lot 500ml is my limit, but when it gets to the stage where I want some every day and I know this is wrong...

Okay, I think I got it! I am going to send an email, cc'ing to her manager saying-

During the appraisal, you asked how my health was but I didn?t get a chance to fully explain since you interrupted me Yes, my health has improved since my GP has changed the medication, however I am still feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and would again ask that I not take on too many new jobs at the moment.
*
Is that okay? Oh and I can't drink tonight - last night yes, tomorrow yes - must have a day off... so will be on the bus tonight. Have a toffee fudge sundae to see me through - anyone want to share?

hey babes

Day one again. ho hum.

joey that sounds like a good idea and sending an e mail takes the pressure off having a face to face. Keep a paper copy of the mail if you decide to send it. I'll have some of the toffee sundae please!

Does your company have any written policies on ill health? If so quote directly from them in your e-mail as a way of backing up any requests you make. Download a copy and keep it on-hand to refer to.They must have some kind of policy on how staff should be treated in the case of ill health? It sounds like a horrible situation to have to deal with.

Rural and kot fantastic,keep going. I'm very

Aww Soma, I hope you don't feel too bad about it. Good luck if you do decide to try some meetings, there are various options out there, not just AA.

Sorry haven't had much time to post this week but have been keeping up with thread, another weekend here already, no plans other than to take it as easy as I can - was at doc today, respiratory infection, so seems I am to do absolutely nothing at the weekend - no cooking, no cleaning, no washing, no shopping :)
Day 26 here:) Wishing everyone a safe weekend and hope to see you all on Monday.

Obrigada, day 26 is pretty good going!! Enjoy taking it easy at the weekend.

(((((((Soma))))))) xxx

Joey I second what saf said about HR - it's about covering your back. Your boss clearly isn't going to be voluntarily supportive so you have to fight your corner. She's more likely to behave fairly and supportively towards you if she thinks she'll face disciplinary action herself if she doesn't do so!

Have you thought about looking for another job? New start, clean slate and all that. I know it isn't the best climate for moving jobs but maybe worth keeping your eyes open?

Be strong babes and well done on your first step alias. The email is a step in the right direction.

Happily camping. Have always drunk wine on camping trips previously - not loads but some. So bit odd not having any alcohol or even a bottle opener with us

Spending time with my cousin and her sister's kids this weekend. Middle cousin is an alcoholic and has had her kids removed from her...

obrigada day 26 is brilliant! well done.

mysterymia email was sent. Jobwise, I'm really happy where I am, its very convenient for kids school etc and also its a good job. I do enjoy it... tbh I would be doubly anxious anywhere else...

guggs toffee sundae coming your way!

No wine tonight, and I was trying to think of excuse for getting some Amazing to think just a few weeks ago during my dry spell I had no cravings for it. It's like one of those bacteria things where if you feed it, it doubles in size immediately...

hi babes,
Just checking in day 8 I think but losing my resolve. going to try to get through tonight though. Feeling on the verge of a binge.
koti hope you are holding out. Have some idea how you feel about school summer holidays. NSDH doesn't believe in holidays he says. What this means for me and dc is we don't have family holidays, what NSDH doesn't like doesn't happen. DS is 10 and has never even been to the seaside even for a day with his dad present. I have taken him but then had to face the wrath of khan from NSDH for wasting time and petrol and having the audacity to not be at home when his diinner should be on the table.
gugg hope day one done for you.

rural how are you doing? Did you manage to resist? If not, lots and lots of water and off to bed with you.

Obrigada Wow. Wow. Just wow, wow, wow. You are doing fab my lovely

faire thank you for your kind words. I did resist so now on day 9. I still want a drink and can't get off to sleep although totally exhausted. Going to try to sleep again now.
goodnight all, sleep well

Morning all babes!

Day 5 here - I nearly cracked last night - we had a power cut, and as the daylight faded at about 8pm, I wondered what on earth I was going to do with the rest of the evening. Popping out to buy a bottle seemed like a good idea. For about 10 minutes. Instead, I lit some candles and played solitaire and Mahjong on my laptop (no WiFi). At 10pm I took two Nytols and passed out

Rural your NSDH sounds a complete tosser! You are doing so brilliantly under those circumstances.

Kot I know what you mean about getting rid of the wee shites. Mine are off at the paralympics with their father. The peace and quiet is wonderful. I know I should feel sad that the holidays are nearly over, but they are just too long - my 2 can't be in the same room together for more than 5 minutes.

Happy weekend to all, sober and struggling x

Carrie day 5 :) sober and struggling is far better than hungover and struggling. Kot, Rural good to read your honest posts about what a struggle it can be over the holidays. It changes as they get older though - DD came home last night after more than a week away and went straight up to her room. Felt a bit sad, almost as if I was beginning to lose her (she's 12). But I went up and we chatted and it ended up with her saying how much she'd missed me and hugging me like she's never hugged me before. She's still my baby but in the guise of a beautiful long-limbed creature who I don't recognise sometimes.

Joey I was wondering how much you actually liked your work (as opposed to the job and the people). Does it fulfill you? Do you find it meaningful? If not, I agree with Mystery - could you start looking around for something else? I'd find it nigh on impossible to do a job now that didn't have any meaning for me (current one is in healthcare and I love it). I can't believe I worked for nearly 20 years in an industry that I found morally repellant (advertising).

Day 1 for me. I feel good because I get it, I get it that I can't drink sensibly and that I don't need to test myself anymore to see if I can. As little as a month ago I was writing in my journal that I could drink if I never had more than two and that I felt I could achieve this. All bollocks of course. When a craving hits hopefully I can be as strong as Carrie was last night. Pinch punch first of the month babes, the last weekend of the summer holidays is here :)

I should have said 'both sober, and struggling'.

Is that a Eureka moment for you, Soma? I know I can't drink sensibly, at least not when I'm home alone. I think I can manage it when out socially - my stupid pride being so strong that I can't/couldn't bear to make a prat of myself in public.

We're all experts at deluding ourselves - I guess it comes down to why we want to drink; I only drink to get drunk - it seems pointless otherwise, I don't particularly like or dislike the taste of alcohol - and I'd be being disingenuous if I think in future that I can have 'just one drink' to test myself, and get away with it. It'd be the beginning of the slippery slope (again).

I'll just settle for big mugs of tea. Comfort without the guilt

have to agree with carrie about the nsdh being a tosser. it also made me think of my mum when you said, 'he does not believe in holidays' my mum did not believe in illness (not anyone else's anyway) hence me being screamed at and bullied out of bed and to school when completely wiped out by glandular fever thus ending up with long term recurrent cfs/me which she also doesn't believe in of course.

'doesn't believe in' is short hand for refuses to fucking give a shit about other people's needs imo. but i'm obviously biased

well done on resisting carrie big mugs of tea rock.

pinch, punch back soba (you forgot to say no returns ). glad it's feeling clearer in your head. helps sometimes to think of it like an allergy - once alcohol is in you you set off a craving/compulsion that apparently doesn't happen with normal drinkers as someone said to me recently alcohol is the only thing they drink that the more they drink the thirstier they get. that made sense to me. we really do make our lives a hell of a lot easier by just avoiding that first drink that sets it off. easy said though eh?