The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Still On A Sober Holiday, Waiting For The Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse

I'm one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus, it's HUGE and never gets full, the doors are always open, 24/7, every single day.

We're a mixture of people who have been drinking for most of our lives and in one way or another, abuse(d) alcohol.

Some of us have stopped drinking every day completely and are taking it One Day At A Time.

Some are trying to control their drinking with medication, willpower, AA, some of us aren't quite sure what we want or where we're trying to get, but we're here, we're all in the same boat Bus, and there's a seat for ANYONE who wants one.

You can find the previous threads HERE and where this Bus first started it's journey, thanks to a wonderful lady, who'd hit rock bottom face first (and she'd admit that to us herself), seeking help and advice from a bunch of 'strangers' on an internet forum........

Come have a peek, take a seat, we don't bite or judge. We listen and will try to help, best we can.

Hi mysterything

I'm hiding in the bedroom to stay away from the wine witch but I'm doing ok today.How are you?

Can I buy calcium and Magnesium in Boots/holland and Barret? Do you take a combined tablet or separate? And why,why does it happen? It's just plain weird! Thanks for that I will deffo get some.

evening babes

nothing much to say, miserable and depressed but at least I'm not drinking. That would make it worse.

alias - what is troubling you? Or is it general stress / work?

gugg - well done on taking the philosophical view about the sleeping. I am too much of a control freak to be able to do that and made my life unnecessarily difficult through sleeping blips.

Phew, glad I didn't offend you nono

Just a little worried that you will 'burn out' and crash. I know what you mean about feeling in control though. That's one of my difficulties. It's good, but it's also good to sometimes give myself a break sometimes.

NoNo I don't know what's wrong, I just ache all the time. My muscles feel stiff. And I'm so tired...

Also I feel guilty for wasting my life because all I seem to do is sleep. The only good thing is I can't blame it on alcohol.

alias - are you drinking enough fluid? Sounds like dehydration? Or perhaps you are actually a bit poorly? I ached all over last week and put it down to over exercising but I think it was a lurgy. I developed a cold which was quite mild but the aching / tiredness / grottiness lasted a few days. Hope you feel better soon

faire - I won't burn out. I never do. I think I probably suffer from some form of ADHD although I was not affected academically. I seem to be unable to switch off. Ever. I have to be doing something all the time. The only time I can allow myself to sit and stop is if I have a glass in my hand. Maybe that was my escape from relentless activity? Tonight I am packing for Friday and writing long lists. I will still forget loads of stuff no doubt because I flit between packing, cleaning, tidying, sorting work stuff for tomorrow, having a bath, going on MN, writing a shopping list. Nothing ever gets completed and I am always running with about 10 balls in the air. Unnecessarily I might add. I should just do one thing at a time but the thought of that makes me anxious about all the other things that need doing which I will forget to do if I don't stop the thing I am doing and do that. Get the drift?!

Joey, you sound like you have a virus - how long has this been going on? It could account for depression, muscle aches, lethargy etc - fantastic you are not drinking, though - maybe your body is telling you it just couldn't take it at the moment?

Faire, I agree - control of my life is the number one factor in keeping me sober. But it's chicken-and-egg; if I'm in control, I can resist the wine witch; once she has got the better of me, all control vanishes IYSWIM. I guess we all have different interpretations of what constitutes 'control'.

Day 2 done and dusted here. Off to bed with my camomile and cordial

thanks guys. On and off, I haven't been right for about 9 months. The GP thought I had CFS and prescribed an anti-depressant. This seemed to help with insomnia, but the last few days I've got funny again.

Physically I don't want any alcohol. Mentally - I want to get 'numb' and stop worrying about everything. Not tonight though! Bath and early night I think.

alias - I would go back again if you are already being treated by the gp. Any change to your symptoms needs to be investigated. Did the gp get any tests done on you when you went before or just diagnose CFS in the absence of anything obvious?

NoNo well there aren't any tests to diagnose CFS, but I had loads of blood tests to rule everything else out.

DH thinks I may have alcohol withdrawal symptoms

Did you have any muscle tests? A friend of mine had a whole raft of tests when GP suggested CFS. I would go back to gp next week if no improvement.

nono i'm afraid i here alarm bells too. i've noticed in life that there are two types of responses to stress/depression/anxiety/whatever the issue. 1) is not being able to do anything, needing to shut down, becoming very tired and feeling the need to dissociate from everything. 2) is never being able to be alone doing nothing, the need to keep relentlessly busy and in control of doing something and avoiding ever being sat with one's own head.

they can both be about the same issue expressed differently, they both have their consequences and they both need addressing imo. the person who goes slug mode needs to do work to learn to cope with stuff again gradually and the person who goes overdrive needs to learn to relax and deal with themselves. they're two extremes - two sides of a coin if you like and i really believe we all need balance and to try to find a middle path.

the busy coper may never process their feelings/stress/anger/whatever it is and therefore drag it out forever prolonging the pain albeit they distract themselves from it endlessly and yeah i too worry with people like this that they will force their body to take drastic action to bring them to their knees to deal with stuff.

with all that exercise and busy-ness and need to do could you not include learning to relax in that regime as another thing important to do? maybe even a relaxation class? i must admit you sound a bit fatalistic about things - that is how i am, that is how i will always feel, i will never be ok with situation a, i will always be like b etc. so on the one hand busy, busy, busy controlling all the details and events of every day life but maybe avoiding dealing with the deeper and more subtle issues that can make a real difference to the quality of life - focussing on the icing and avoiding the cake or something?

sorry that's a massive post and tell me mind my own beeswax or just ignore or whatever - don't know where all that came from - think perhaps you remind me of a friend i used to know.

ok here. had a wobbly head yesterday that started teasing around with the idea that maybe i hadn't had my last drink, maybe i needed to go out there again and see etc etc. managed to ignore it and get myself to a meeting and then of course it passed and i was out the other side. this stuff isn't always easy. sometimes it's wonderful, i have all this peace of mind and sense of growth and moving forward and yet being in the day and i feel great - better than i ever did drinking. but there are tough days of wrestling with this alkie head of mine trying to weedle me into self destructing.

oh well. new day today

Well done Saf, those feelings may never go away but at least they are few and far between. You know how to handle them, you know you don't have to drink, you have made the right choice for you.

Kot I'm doing really good thanks. I discovered a while back that having a goal, something for me, something to work towards gave me motivation. So rather than be miserable thinking, oh no I can't drink, I decided to go down the healthy route of, yay I'm keeping my body booze free and healthy

So I've been working on dieting by eating all the good stuff and not much of the high fat, salty, sugary stuff and getting more exercise. I feel much better about myself, am getting fitter and have lost a couple of stone. Keeping off the booze helps with all that and makes me feel good about my choices.

It's called having a 'towards' motivation and Venus explained it all to me. It's great

saf very clever thoughts about coping etc. So many wise people on board this bus!

kotinka I had my appraisal this morning, it went okay. No credit given for the fact I have worked my socks off the last few weeks. But at least I didn't get any further 'lack of competencies' or jobs not done. I guess it will take a while to undo all the months of poor work and re-establish myself as a model employee. Very unmotivated though cause loads more jobs piled on.

Boss asked if my health was okay. I was going to answer 'Yes, a lot better, my GP changed my medication'; got as far as 'Yes-' she interrupted saying 'Good!' and changed the subject.

I'm 40-something, not a child. Why do I feel the need for my manager to praise me? God I want a drink.

hello?

alias - working but didn't want you to feel alone so will be back soon with words (useless)

right - i have 10 mins till my next call so thought i would pop on and give alias a hug as she sounds quite low. i understand the need for validation - i don't get it at work particularly, but i do get it in other scenarios. i think to some extent it is normal. but particularly if you suffer from low self esteem. it sounds like your manager isn't managing you particularly well, which no doubt makes you feel insecure about what you are doing and then increases the need for approval from her. it doesn't sound as though she understands how you tick at all or how to motivate you. that will make it a lot worse for you. with my staff i always try to work out what it is that they need from me to keep them happy - i have had many tricky characters over the years. it doesn't seem like she has taken the time to do this. i don't really have any useful advice about how you can change this - other than to realise that you are probably not going to get that validation from her and that she will only really talk to you when something is wrong. it's not a satisfying relationship and not something you can do much about - unless you force her into a corner and schedule regular reviews where you tell HER what you've done and basically force her to comment. but it doesn't sound like that would be very productive

sAf - you are right in that i am an over-do-er. always have been, and i don't know what to do to change it. i do go to a yoga session most weeks but i don't find it very relaxing as it is quite fast paced so i end up working up quite a sweat. i HATE the idea of meditation / relaxation tapes. the only way i used to unwind / lose myself was through booze... i am finding this week quite hard. i seem to be staying up later for some reason - maybe because i have problems sleeping so don't want to be lying in bed awake. i wait until my eyes are so sore that i know they will close before i go to bed. and i am up again by 6am most days, so only in bed for about 6 hours.

oo - got to go. another call now

call dropped out so back again briefly - going on to say that i am struggling with my eating. seem to be just eating junk again now and feeling rubbish, which always makes me want to drink. when i am being 'good', i am soooo good. and then when i plummet, i just eat absolute shite and then just want to self-destruct.

i am feeling a bit low about the end of the summer holidays as well. although it will be back to an establish routine which means less need to negotiated with exH, it also means DS back in school all day which means less time with him. DD is in nursery 2.5hrs per day so i still spend time with her on the days they are with me. but i love having holiday time with DS and miss it when he goes back to school.

i don't know whether it is normal to feel like this about my kids. i am not in a normal situation as they are with their dad 6 nights a fortnight, so i obviously spend a lot of time without them, including every other weekend. but the thought of him going back to school and me not seeing him all day even on the days he is with me is making me very sad.

argh typos - sorry babes. rushing before i go back on my call

Joey Don't let her play down your illness. Although it's not necessarily been correctly diagnosed yet, there is something, call it cfs for now, and it will affect your work.

She will need to understand that. It's not your fault, it's not her fault but it is her responsibility to manage her staff correctly and the way she is going about it at the moment is counter-productive. Her problem, not yours. Sorry, but that's what she's paid for.

Your responsibility is to do everything you can to keep healthy, work to the best of your ability and to let your boss know if there's a difficulty which she needs to resolve. Maybe she will have to take some of the workload off you. Maybe the company will need to employ more people to cope with the workload. Whatever. That's down to them, it's not your responsibility x

when i am being 'good', i am soooo good. and then when i plummet, i just eat absolute shite and then just want to self-destruct

I'm like this NoNo which is why I call myself an 'all or nothing' kind of gal

I have had to learn a new way. I've done it the same as my drinking, one day at a time, one hour or minute at a time if need be. If I eat badly that doesn't mean I've blown the whole day, or whole week even, it just means that I recognise that eating like that makes me unhappy. So I try not to do it.

The same as drinking like I used to made me unhappy, so now I use all the strategies I've learned to stop doing it to myself. I know I don't like it, so I just need to not do it. This bus has been marvellous in showing me how to do that. I guess that's where all your exercising comes in, because you are doing 'something else'. It's a good strategy to avoid drinking but I don't think you can use it to avoid life.

I used to miss my kids when they were at school. I never wanted them to start school but they were perfectly happy and made lots of friends. It just all came around a little too quick for me. It's great that you enjoy being with them so much. I find that the older they get, the quicker the years seem to go.

When my dd was born, I even missed her being inside me, how weird is that? Even now, when I look up to my 13 year old ds I miss him being a toddler. Even when he's standing right in front of me, I miss him

faire - ok, it's obviously not just me being soft in the head about my kids then. DD is still small and cute but VERY stroppy and madam-ish and oh such a demon, so i don't miss her too much yet when she goes off to nursery for 2.5 hours. i just go for a run (did you predict that?!), prepare the tea and then it's time to pick her up again and i have forgiven her for painting the kitchen and herself purple before i dropped her off. i shall no doubt have a HUGE wobble when she starts reception next sept though. but my poor DS is so different. he is very much more of a 'loner', and although his social skills are good and he isn't shy, he just doesn't go out there and grab everyone's attention like my DD does. and i just want to scoop him up (even though i can't even lift him up as he is so big and heavy these days) and protect him and stop him from getting upset when his peers are mean to him. and i love the conversations we have and the funny things he says and his earnest look as he describes things to me - even though it is just the battle his star wars lego figures are having and i haven't got a clue what he is talking about.

i am missing them both so much now even though they only went to their dad's yesterday afternoon and i am collecting them first thing in the morning

i need to take some lessons on my attitude to food too. i had an eating disorder in my late teens and although i 'recovered', i have never had an easy attitude with food and am ALWAYS on a diet or trying to restrict what i eat. i hate myself for eating shite and always end up doing it. but unfortunately i can't just cut out food as i can with alcohol

the urge to binge now is VERY strong. only a couple of hours till running club - still waiting for a call back from a guy in India who is trying to fix my PC however...

But if you binge, will you hate yourself for doing it? Do you have another way to cope for an hour or two? What about sorting out cupboards, bagging up some old clothes for charity? Do you think you could take up painting or something that requires concentration and skill?

I have 101 jobs that you could help me out with. I expect Saf does too because we're both tackling our houses and redecorating and stuff. Keeps us out of mischief

oh yes, i will hate myself for doing it. i need to stop eating now (have just been in the chocolate spread jar) otherwise i won't be able to run at 7pm as i can't run if i have eaten anything for a few hours beforehand. if i don't end up running, i will just eat more crap and feel even worse

i am supposed to be working now - i have an audit report to type up and keep finding a million reasons why i am not going to do it. but i HAVE to do it tonight as i am off tomorrow - going camping with the kids. so it has to be done. i have to find a way to keep myself out of the cupboards and get on with my report.

oh and i need to stop buying chocolate spread. i kid myself that i buy it for my children but neither of them likes it

right - here goes...