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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
ComradeJing · 28/08/2012 23:21

Still here too and so glad you feel you're managing better.

I'd second the thought of counselling.

THinking of you in the run up to court.

izzyizin · 28/08/2012 23:39

Even if he pleads guilty to all charges on the 5th, Hiding, it's unlikely that there'll be any outcome other than he'll be further remanded on bail to the Court pending medical/social reports prior to sentencing.

If this proves to be the case, the ILs will continue to be constrained to shut the fuck up keep it zipped with regard to communication with you relating to contact or any other matter.

You've mentioned some confusion over his bail conditions and now would be a good to clarify these with the police, your dv worker, and solicitor who should endeavour to ensure that whatever conditions have been imposed continue or additional conditions are imposed if it's deemed necessary.

The way to get through the coming weeks and months is to continue doing what you've been doing, which is to immerse yourself in the normality of your everyday life and build in as many treats as possible to lift your spirits and give you reassurance that you're going to go from strength to strength regardless.

It's still very early days, honey. It's not even been a fortnight since you were brutally attacked in your own home and, as the numbing effect of shock wears off, you are likely to feel emotionally vulnerable and tearful and, more especially, because you are still recovering from an op and processing the devastating effects of your double bereavement.

As for rationalising his attack on you, you'll be on a hiding to nothing there, my love. If he were to be honest about why he did what did, it would amount to little more than he did it because he could and because he felt entitled to do it.

He planned to attack you and, no matter what he or others may tell you, he'll have his own rationale to justify what he did. Although he may profess to be sorry for his action, not knowing what he was doing blah de blah, that will merely be for form's sake and to persuade the powers that be to show him the mercy he denied you.

The unpalatable truth is that, somewhere inside him, he's glad he attacked you as his twisted mind sees his assault on you as him having the courage of his convictions.

It is to be hoped that being convicted may go some way to put an end to his self-congratulations and that the sentence he eventually receives is commeasurate with his crimes and is sufficient deterrent to persuade him not to re-offend.

izzyizin · 28/08/2012 23:48

I should perhaps have made it clear that I wouldn't expect anything on the 5th other than he'll put in pleas of not guilty to all charges and be remanded on bail for a further period, usually 4-6 weeks, pending a reappearance at Court.

If he should fall on his sword and plead guilty, I'll be pleasantly surprised. Unfortunately, I'm rarely pleasantly surprised in these matters.

Hidinginthewoods · 29/08/2012 21:40

Well I've had a very difficult day today...

DS2 stayed with visiting family last night & I took my 2nd sleepy tab, woke at 10.30am!!!

I got a message from my lovely cousin abroad saying IL's had rung him again re contact & what did I want him to say in reply, also that ex has ret'd to work today... I instantly went into panic mode as I had been plodding on knowing he was at IL's and wasn't 'out n about' IYSWIM.

I rang my PC in the DV unit to discuss bail conditions in a panic & they were so lovely Blush talked to me for ages reassuring me & going over things (again).
They are very supportive of the no contact at all with Ex & his family & will re-enforce this in writing if I want them to.

I calmed down (a little) figuring that having had my 'mummy hat' taken off & having relaxed for the 1st time properly in 10days it was a to be expected bout of panic/anxiety.

THEN... my BFF rang, MIL had rung her to pass message onto me that if I didn't return Ex's lawnmower (that he left here) she would sell my DF's fishing gear stored in Ex's shed (I know, I know) to buy a new one !!!!!

FFS !!! Is that all this crazy woman cares about? a F*ing lawnmower?

MIL got very cross with my BFF & also said she'd been texting my DD and knew she shouldn't but this was all so ridiculous blah, blah, blah Angry

On her return from work DD informed me she would be returning L/mower & that her Nan had texted her, I read texts- they ONLY ask about mower not if DD is ok etc. I warned DD to not engage with them at the moment, emotions are running too high, we're all in a very vulnerable position etc, but DD duly took L/M to IL's (I'm sure expecting a hug/cry/kiss/reassurances they love her regardless) & was met by her Nan saying "why have you brought it here? You should have taken it to your Dad's" DD was a bit Confused and when MIL asked why she wasn't coming in replied " because you don't have the right to treat me like this". DD Stomped off & rang me sobbing.Sad

We've had a chat & she showed me text MIL sent her after saying "sorry but you're our only go-between".
I am just so cross & sad again and I just want this over and done with.

izzyizin I'm praying fervently Ex pleads guilty.

Someone restrain me from w ringing MIL 's neck

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 29/08/2012 22:05

Can you not change all mobile numbers, hiding? You don't need any of this shit :(
How are you feeling physically these days?
Thinking of you x

Guiltypleasures001 · 29/08/2012 22:25

I am so sorry this has all happened to you and your family, I would seriously put the matter of the IL's in the hands of the police and your solicitor, this is utter shit, and its time to get angry, because feck me im doing it now on your behalf..

I would stop all contact with them via whatever route they are taking right now, you ruin the risk of your DD becoming more involuntarily involved than she needs to be and hence over time affacted by all this.

They have no thoughts for your safety or the kids feelings and that makes them uncredibly thoughtless clueless insesitive and complete fucking morans, its no wonder he thinks this is ok behaviour with the apologists he has for parents ffs.

Shut them down hun they are treading on your daughters feelings yet alone your. huge unmumsnetty hug x

tribpot · 29/08/2012 22:32

I cannot believe the callousness of these people towards a 17 year old girl. Whatever they do or don't think happen between you and your ex, Hiding, whatever line of BS he has fed them, they must know it's wrong to involve a child in this. Let alone their own grandchild.

I am unutterably sorry that your dd has to had to suffer through this. I honestly would tell the police about the text and the implications for your dd. They should be warned not to contact her again.

If she has an Android phone, btw, there is software that can (with some difficulty) make it possible to block numbers.

I think your cousin needs to take it on the chin for you with the ILs, btw, and actually say flat out "I have told you already there is no possibility of contact, please do not contact either me or Hiding again". And then preferably not tell you this has happened - although it's fantastic he is fielding the calls it's only diminishing the stress not actually taking it away from you. Likewise BFF needs to tell MIL she is not a go-between for messages. It would have been unbelievably cruel for your late DF's fishing gear to have been sold, but would it have been worse than what your DD has had to go through? I fully appreciate you couldn't have known this is how it would turn out, but clearly they are going to try and hurt you and get to you by any means necessary. I imagine the fishing gear will be held to ransom over something else in the near future now they've seen it works as a way to get a response :(

There needs to be a wall around you, between you and your ILs. It'll be tough for your friends and family as well for a bit but they need to be part of the wall and keep them out.

Hidinginthewoods · 29/08/2012 22:52

I caved in & rang them Blush
I wrote myself a script & stuck to it:
(I asked them)
Are you ok to speak to me?
How are you?

How are elderly IL GP's?

Are you getting support from friends? (MIL's had a nervous breakdown in the past herself)

I had written a list of answers to potential Q's they might ask me, but they didn't, only about contact, have exp emotions running too high, not only my choice- deemed to be in DC's best interests.

I've agreed we will meet up at some point for them to see DS's after court...

MIL didn't discuss Ex for which I'm grateful, but ended our conversation by saying

" none of us want to lose him (ex) & it came very close"Hmm
you'll all be proud to hear I replied

"I don't think anyone wants to lose me & it came very close" & put phone down Wink

OP posts:
tribpot · 29/08/2012 22:57

Good for you for the final comment, Hiding. But now you really must cease contact with them or you undermine any possibility of claiming they were trying to break the bail conditions.

Again I see the contact was all about the dses, not your poor dd. Is this really contact for them, or an underhand way of your ex getting contact?

Either way - set shields to maximum and keep them completely away. You deserve a break from their constant worrying at you.

ComradeJing · 29/08/2012 23:12

Oh well done for saying that Hiding.

The whole lot of them really are poisonous aren't they?

Your poor DD. Is there any counselling you can access for her and for you too?

Hidinginthewoods · 29/08/2012 23:17

tribpot I know Angry at myself
but also
I feel a bit better about myself as well Confused, to be fair, IL's were amazing support when my DP's were ill & good friends to them too & to not ask about her very elderly parents for a few weeks just felt so wrong.

This is all so surreal- it's like he's really isolated me from as many people as he can, at the moment he's winning but when I've re-charged my batteries I'm damned if I'm going to let him hamper my life!
I shall buy a tazar thingy (sp), live my normal life & zap the bastard in the bollocks if he comes near me ever again (joke Wink )

OP posts:
izzyizin · 29/08/2012 23:33

High five! Respect! YOU did well, honey. Way to go.

Instead of a sleeper, have a Wine tonight and give your dd a drop of bubbly too - jeez, your girl is truly wonderful. Please tell her from me that she is an absolute star who will be a lightbringer to many - but not to any man whose aura is darker than that of a black hole.

I very much doubt that he'll cop a plea next week but in any event I would advise you to utilise any/all resources at your disposal to stop your ILs contacting you or any member of your family including your poor put upon and ill-used - by them - dd.

To my mind your dd has already been put under considerable duress and this has to stop forthwith - she may be wise beyond her years but she's still a minor.

tribpot · 29/08/2012 23:33

I think you were goaded beyond endurance into contacting them, Hiding. It was clear they were going to continue harassing your friends, family and particularly your dd until you responded.

But now the behaviour has worked and they've got what they wanted, you've got a different problem to contend with Confused

I quite agree with ComradeJing, btw.

izzyizin · 29/08/2012 23:38

Slow typist - cross post!

Living your normal life will deliver considerably more volts to his genital area than any taser, honey. Let's see how he likes his shrivelled sacs them apples Grin

Lueji · 29/08/2012 23:49

Nice reply. :o

Meanwhile, you should probably get rid of anything they might want or use to mess up with you and your family, including getting things back (or just forget about them).

Hidinginthewoods · 30/08/2012 00:07

Thanks Ladies Blush nice to know you understand why I snapped,
well, I don't even understand why I caved in but anger has always made me incredibly calm & eloquent for some bizarre reason ( & I was sick of people ringing me/telling me IL's were harassing them too )

It was a terribly formal/stilted talk .. do you think they recorded the call?

izzyizin Grin but no wine alas as DS home & that would contradict my whole alcohol policy, and I probably would drink too much. No sleeper magic pills either but I've coped for years with little sleep due to the late night ramblings of DS1.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/08/2012 00:39

I feel it's unlikely but it is possible that they recorded your call.

However, no matter how provoked you may feel, it is not something that you should repeat again because the fact that you called them can be proved through phone records unless, of course, you had the foresight to use made the call using an unregistered PAYG simcard.

IME people such as your ILs will go to any lengths they deem necessary to trivialise/normalise his attack on you and will stop at nothing to marginalise you or show in any way they can that you are unreasonable.

For this reason, you are best advised not to make contact with them again and to ask the police to make it clear to your ILs that it is not in their/their ds's interests for them to attempt to pass messages or apply any undue pressure to you and/or your dd either directly or via third parties.

perfectstorm · 31/08/2012 22:28

Have a good weekend, Hiding.

Hidinginthewoods · 02/09/2012 08:51

Morning and thankyou for all your messages/support.

I'm still having up & down days, Fri was a very bad day but I took my DS's out yesterday & a friend stayed o/nite with me & I was asleep by 11pm !!!!
I think I just relaxed with her here & the tiredness just hit me.

No contact with In-laws since tel call.Shock

Just waiting for Ex to appear in court on Weds and go from there now.
Hopefully when the children are back at school I can start to catch up on everything else I've been neglecting the last few weeks !
Hope you all have a lovely Sunday, weather's nice here for a change, hope the sun shines on you all too.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 02/09/2012 12:56

It's horrible and cloudy here, glad someone is getting some sun!

You're bound to be up and down, tbh that's probably a good thing. If you were very calm it would be shock, I would think - this reaction is a very human one, so it probably means you are healing. And I'd also imagine you will feel better with Wed out the way.

Glad the in-laws have left you alone. With any luck the harassment that forced you into calling to make them back off will now end, and you will get some restrictions on contact to ensure that.

Hope your day continues to be sunny and you enjoy the last few days of your DC's summer holidays. Thinking of you.

lionsgorawr · 03/09/2012 00:44

Just sat and read all of this tonight. You are incredible! I have no idea how I'd cope if I was in this situation. Hope all goes well on Wednesday and the git gets what he deserves! Your DD seems amazing as well and you must be so proud of her. I'm thinking of you and will keep checking in. Stay strong, you've been fantastic...You can do this!

Hidinginthewoods · 03/09/2012 09:18

perfectstorm Thanks you have been an amazing support, I really appreciate all the great advice too, it's so kind of you to take the time to help me.

lionsgorawr Bless you for reading it all, hope it didn't give you nightmares Blush.

Well I really need to get my ass into gear, I woke up at 8am today & have 2 days to get back in a normal routine before DS's return to school. Aaargh !!!
I'm sure I'm not the only disorganised Mum at the moment - but, every year I plan to sort school stuff out at beginning of hols, and every year I'm rushing around buying new shoes/PE kit at the last minute.

I also need to write a list of the items Ex has at his that I need back :
Ds' 1 medicines, Wii, Ds 1 laptop, my spare car key.

Also need to confirm my holiday booked in a few weeks and write my holiday packing list, but think I'll wait until after Court to do that.

Hope you're all more organised than me and get to enjoy the last few days of the hols Smile

OP posts:
lionsgorawr · 03/09/2012 13:25

Oh no, not at all. I'm just glad to see you're managing and not letting the bastard get to you :) Hope you enjoy your holiday! You certainly deserve it.
Schools went back here in Scotland last week, thank god I have another four years until the mad rush! Just remember to make some time for you, even sit with a cuppa and a nice book...That normally helps me relax after a tough day and LOTS and LOTS of bubble baths :)

mamij · 03/09/2012 13:29

What an awful thing to happen. Hope you're ok op.

GoldenSeptember · 03/09/2012 23:13

Thinking of you OP (I've namechanged since I posted on your thread) and glad you're bearing up ok considering all the awful things you've been through. I hope it goes well on Wednesday. I'm full of admiration for you and how you've coped with all this, and also for your DD for what a strong and supportive young woman she is!

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