Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex - H just attacked me

389 replies

Hidinginthewoods · 17/08/2012 23:31

I can't get hold of my BestFriend & had to call my DD's boyfriend to find my DD or BF
am on my own , 2 DS's upstairs aslepp.
Rang police- he's been arrested for drink driving
rang ambulance
cant stop shaking

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 03/09/2012 23:17

I daren't get anything clothes wise for the DD's too early in the summer as they invariably have a growth spurt. my excuse & I'm sticking to it...Grin

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 03/09/2012 23:38

I think you need to speak to your solicitor regarding contacst from the ILs. It'd not fair on your DD, or your cousin, or your friends to have to be gobetweens.

Is there anyway that something could be formalised where ILs can only contact you via your solicitors?

perfectstorm · 03/09/2012 23:59

I wish I could have done something constructive. You've been amazing through all this, I wouldn't be holding together as wonderfully as you have been.

I think the start of term frenzy is universal! I'm new to it - my DS isn't quite 4 - but I managed not to know when term actually started this year. (In my defence, their website has last year's dates on, but still. Motherly fail!)

The holiday sounds just the ticket, if you'll forgive the terrible pun. And I'm glad you're sleeping. Best thing you could do, to heal body and soul.

Original poster
Hidinginthewoods · 04/09/2012 09:17

Morning Ladies & Thanks for taking the time to follow my thread.

Well, I did no better today ! Woke at 8am again.
I will be relying heavily on alarm clocks the rest of the week.
I was exhausted from 7pm last night and finally fell asleep at 2am Sad at this rate my DS's aren't going to make it to school tomorrow! (DS1 bus picks him up at 8am)

I bought school shoes yesterday (huge trigger for DS1's ASD tendencies) luckily BHS had same ones in as last term so was a quick in & out trip.

Yesterday I also Froze joint B/Acc & got round to doing lots of little over-due jobs.
I also booked myself a hair appt !!!! & bought a rain-coat (in case) for our holiday.

Ex has text DD, 2nd time she said, just saying he loves her & to pop in and see him. We chatted about how she wants to deal with this (we're both very exp in this now- he will try and get round her 1st before upping the anti to me) she's still adamant she never wants to see him again; but we've been there before as well so I tried not to 'dictate' to her what she must do/say/feel.

However it set off the ripple effect & DD & I started our niggly/sniping at eachother about ridiculous things that we dont usually even bother to mention

-she said she's the tidiest member of our house-hold & I had to refrain from roaring with laughter as this was said whilst she was making a right mess with chocolate sauce/ice-cream at the time which she didn't clean up Confused

After a few minutes of snipy comments DD said "don't talk to me anymore" Blush & went to her BF's to stay night there.
DD is far too bloody sensible & did exactly the right thing of course (and texted me twice to say she loved me lots)

So sick of Ex doing this to us all, tomorrow can't come soon enough. Though I suspect I will not get any outcome that makes it all magically resolve all the issues.

OP posts:
Doha · 04/09/2012 19:33

Hope you get some sort of justice tomorrow Hiding, l hate that he is now playing on your DD to get to you.

perfectstorm · 04/09/2012 20:12

Your poor dd being used like that, Hiding. His timing isn't subtle, is it?

Hope tomorrow isn't too tough on you, and that it's the beginning of some resolution. You have a lot of people thinking of you. xx

IvanaNap · 04/09/2012 20:15

No wise words, just thinking of you, hiding. You've been through so much, you are a strong lady and are doing so bloody well. X

ToothbrushThief · 04/09/2012 20:22

Echoing everyone else's comments. You have been great

I hope you get a good result tomorrow

lunar1 · 04/09/2012 22:38

Thinking of you for tomorrow hiding.

lionsgorawr · 04/09/2012 22:59

Thinking of you tomorrow hiding! Would just like to say thank you to you...After reading your story, I've realized you don't have to put up with the shit anymore and am looking at starting a fresh new life for me and DD tomorrow!

lunar1 · 04/09/2012 23:12

Good luck Lion!

Original poster
Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 00:28

lionsgorawr Good for you !!! The best of luck & I'm glad if my thread helps anyone else put a stop to un-reasonable behaviour from the 1 person who should love them unconditionally. You & your DD will be able to live life again x

There have been so many stories in the news recently
(or maybe I notice them more now?)
of families being torn apart by suicide/familicide (sp) killing of children/ex's etc & it horrifies me to think how far some Ex's may go to wreak revenge Sad

My experience can only vaguely be classed as DV... I've been sep 20 months but because I share DC with my Ex I will never be free. I never thought it would end like this, I followed the advice on here, in RL and from the wonderful people at Al-Anon & still he refuses to accept only HE is responsible and only HIS issues need addressing.

Lovely lady from police/witness support rang me today, they are sending a rep to court and will ring me as soon as case heard. They will ask Judge to extend bail conditions to bridge gap till civil injunction in place. Phew.

I have my hard hat on & my mask firmly in place ready for tomorrows' deliberation.

Thankyou for all your good wishes, I will keep you upto date.

It could go any way...
Fingers crossed

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/09/2012 00:43

As evidenced by the fact that you haven't been asked to attend, tomorrow is likely to be a formality, Hiding.

This will be his first appearance before the Magistrates and it's probable that he'll be further remanded on bail for 3-4 weeks - and possibly longer.

When the rep calls you ask whether there was any indication of how he might plead at a later date to each of the charges and also ask whether the bench comprised one judge or 3 magistrates.

As far as you are aware, does he have a clean driving licence? Were you able to find out how much over the limit he was? If not perhaps the rep can tell you.

If you can get this info we may be able to work out what his counsel's strategy will be.

seaofyou · 05/09/2012 00:45

Hiding...I am sure you get the outcome needed to protect you in future.

Yes you do notice it more once you experience it as you feel their pain.

DV often does not end up in actual violence and WA counsellor said the emotional scars are far worse! You have been in this situation for many years before splitting up and you deserve all the support a DV unit can give and more!

Sorry I was hysterical in early posts I get frightened I guess for others and I was for you but you are so strong and an ispiration how you have coped with all this and since...sending positive vibes for you tomorrow.

Original poster
Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 01:00

seaofyou it's lovely to have you back, I'm sure you, as much as anyone in a similar position, can understand I am hysterical enough right now and our fellow MN'ers only wanted to prevent mass hysteria in public, I have shared all your own fears & can only speculate what the future holds; but I do feel strong and I don't want to believe anything else can happen. I have to or I'd go mad- and that's not on the cards right now Wink

izzy my Ex MIL said (on the day after IT happened) "well that's the 3rd time he's been caught." Relating to driving, but I'm not sure if she means speeding or drink driving? I was under the impression there was no lee-way with D/driving. He may well have been caught 'the morning after' but wouldn't that have been an offence?

I imagine he will ask for Psych reports to be TIA, however if he has ret'd to work maybe his Sol has failed on that route & suggested he act 'normal' to show what a fine hardworking fella he is ?!?!

Ps: can you tell I can't sleep anymore ???

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:07

Given that you've been told one of the charges is failing to stop after an accident on the night he attacked you, if he was breath/blood tested the morning after and found to be over the limit that would account for the drink driving charge.

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:09

Without knowing the state of his driving licence, it could be that he'll try to delay being brought to account for road traffic offences if it means that any/some penalty points disappear in the interim, iyswim.

lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:10

I know the feeling hiding I feel so tired right now but dont think I could sleep if I tried! Asshole is currently in the same room as me right now and all I can think about is getting on that train tomorrow with my DD and starting our new life! I will be thinking of you tomorrow...Well...Later today! sending hugs your way!

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:21

My guess is he'll have opted for the 'temporary aberration caused by unfortunate combination of prescribed meds/alcohol/excessive stress/worry blah de blah' as I outlined earlier and you can put money on reports from any party/body/agency that can give credence to his claim being submitted in defence/mitigation.

If that's the case he'll have been advised to keep his nose absolutely clean in the interim which should mean he'll go to great lengths to keep away from you while he's on bail.

Original poster
Hidinginthewoods · 05/09/2012 01:21

lionsgorawr have you posted you own thread? Sending you lots of hugs & the strength to make good decisions x

izzy thanks, you really know your stuff. I'll get some answers tomorrow I hope.
I haven't lived with Ex for 20 months, I really know nothing about him anymore.

Going to lay in bed and count mosquitoes for a while. I am setting 3 alarms as DS1 bus is now coming at 7.45am- Hmm
Everything laid out ready ... can't stop thinking that's another day Ex has ruined.
DS's 1st day back at school & DS2 starting year 1...

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:23

You don't need to get on the train, lion - the police can sort everything for you if the arsehole takes your bank card/mobile.

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 01:26

As soon as you know more we can work out the probabilities, Hiding. In the meantime, get some sleep, honey, and try not to worry too much about matters that are in the lap of the gods now out of your hands.

lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 01:27

hiding Yes, I have. Thank you so much, you've made me realize I don't have to put up with it anymore!

izzy I took some money out the bank tonight and hid my purse. DD has a habbit of playing with it so can always say she must have put it somewhere if he's looking for it in morning.

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 02:00

In that case, if he tries to take your phone when he goes out ask him to leave it so that you can let him know when you find the purse that dd's put somewhere.

lionsgorawr · 05/09/2012 02:08

Already left it off charge deliberately so he cant take it in morning.